Everything went well at the drs this morning. Caleb was very active again on the u/s. And he looked so big! I can't wait to see what our little angel will look like! It is getting closer and so scary. Our childbirth class in next Sunday and I think it will really hit me after that.
The eye dr said my eyes look great, my vision is 20/25 but that pregnancy changes your vision so I have to go back after I have the baby and am done breastfeeding. And apperently seeing spots and having blurred vision are quite common at my stage in pregnancy. The most interesting thing I learned is that during pregnancy, especially after the 8th month, your cornea retains water, so kind of like my ankles have been swelling so much, so are my eyes, but you can't see it unless you are an eye dr of course. But that that causes visual disturbances and that it will go away post baby! I found that to be quite interesting. I guess I just never thought about it, but it makes a lot of sense.
I am still thrilled that my face is not swelling yet, yet my ankles are huge, and well I guess my corneas are swollen and my fingers a little, but my rings still fit and wont get stuck if I try to take them off. So I am doing really well. The dr laughed at me this morning when I asked if I should be concerned about my enormous swollen ankles, he took a look and laughed and said, you can still see your ankle bone! You haven't seen swollen yet! I said, YET!? I am really freaked out about the size of my ankles, to me they look so fat! I guess it is just that I can tell how bad it looks and other than my huge belly it's the only other visible weight gain, and it is just water weight in my ankles, but still. I feel huge enough already and when I look down and see huge feet it makes me feel worse. But it's not that bad I guess, I mean like I said despite my belly and swollen feet there's no noticeable extra weight. I guess we are always more critical of ourselves than others are.
I can't believe Cheryl is just days/minutes/hours away from having her baby. It could be anytime. I am so worried already, I cant imagine what it will be like when it is that close to happening. And from the way it sounds like she is feeling I dont doubt she'll have that kid soon! I love reading about how other "moms-to-be" are doing. And it is strange to think that soon we will all be writing about our babies instead of our pregnancies. Time sure does go by quickly, then other days I think it will be months til I have Caleb in my arms. But today has been so positive that I'd like to think he'll be here shortly. I cant wait to hold him and watch his Daddy play with him. I think I look forward to that more, giving Dean his son and just getting to watch them together.
Apparently the news about our jobs is that the doctors will be in control of who goes or stays since now the expense for employees is coming out of their money, not the company we work for. So that is good and it is bad. We will be moving in with another dr's office, which has more drs so if they decide we are overstaffed more likely than not they will get rid of the people they don't know or don't like. I know I am not any of our dr's favorites, and being added to so many other employees will make it more likely that I may get cut. So when I got home today I started working on updating my resume. I think I may use my 6 weeks off when the baby comes to decide what I want to do. I like my current job but with our consolidating with another dr's office it will not be the same and I dont know if I will like it, and if we dont move soon I may not work there that long before the baby comes so I dont know if I will have a chance to find out if I will like it or not.
Dean is in a great mood today, which upset me because he has been somewhat down lately, or so it seems, tired I guess mostly, and tonight was the first night he had plans with the theater and I didnt so I was frustrated that he had to be in a good mood tonight when the rest of the week he wasnt. Oh well. He is just so cute when he gets all happy and hyper, I told him he sounded high when he called me earlier. He was just so giddy. And the first sign that something was different with him is that he called, not once but twice while I was at work. So who knows, I told him he better still be in a good mood when he gets home or I will be mad at him! Maybe he's just nice and rested having a few nights to do what we wanted instead of having to be doing something every night. But the rest of the weekend he is rather busy and I have to work Saturday so it's a good thing we got some time together earlier this week.
Tomorrow is another ultrasound (the dr calls them bio-physical profiles because they are more extensive then a regular u/s) and I have an eye dr appointment. Frustrating thing is if I need glasses we probably cant afford them for a week or two.
I was remembering today when I got my last pair of glasses. It was senior year and I had to pay for them myself, I don't remember my mom's reasoning behind that one but I think it had something to do with the fact I was working and had money, well maybe it was the year after I graduated? Who knows, but I remember having to go get them and pay for them with my money so of course I got good ones but made sure it was a reasonable price. And it has been a while since then, so I know I am due for new ones if I even need them.
I dont have many memories from my child hood often, but as I sit here writing this I distinctly remember going to the eye dr and being told I needed glasses for the first time. I must have been 8 or 9 because I remember where we lived and that my mom had a decent job and insurance at that and on top of that could afford the glasses. But I can remember it like it was yesterday, which is hard to say about a lot of my memories. I can almost remember the smell of the office and the weather was gloomy. I know exactly where on the Avenue (Eastern Ave, a road in Baltimore that in that area was mostly storefronts and restaurants) it was and that is was next a restaurante where we went and got the best pancakes!! How strange. I guess I just never tried to remember anything but now that I do it is pretty interesting. The reason I remember it so well is because I was rather upset about having to get glasses but then after I found a pair I really liked I liked it because they made me look older.
Ironically as I sit here writing about Baltimore I get a call from Stacey! Who was in my thoughts a lot lately because I wasnt sure quite where she was since she graduated earlier this month. But I am super excited now because she is planning on coming to visit us next weekend, which is when the theater is having our baby shower for us and she was so upset about having missed my other shower that my mom planned so if she comes then she can go with me!!
Shew! I sure did write a lot and meanwhile I have gotten nothing accomplished this evening that I had wanted to, and before I know it Dean will be home and then I wont get anything done either! Maybe I'll try to conjure up some more memories while I work around the house.....
Tonight Dean and I had no plans really, and I was hoping to go swimming or to go see a movie, basically just get out. But we ended up going to dinner at a new Mexican place with Dean's parents. The food was great ! I stuffed myself which isnt hard to do with Caleb already taking up so much room. Then we went to the new theater we are working with to do some stuff. Even I helped out, and I was just going along to keep Dean company. That is always how it ends up with us and theater, Dean commits and I tag along. But I think from what Dean has told them about me that they know I want to help and are going to use me in any way they can which is just fine. I may just end up with a new job with them after the baby comes, in case my current one is no longer. So that is great to know.
It's been a long day and unfortunately this week I am off Friday instead of Thursday so although my body is thinking, okay you can sleep in tomorrow, I can't. And I really cant sleep in Friday because I have another ultrasound. Oh well, there's always Friday afternoon to nap!
Today at work the girls threw me a suprise baby shower!! I was very suprised and impressed with how much work they put into it. It was great. They even were kind enough to buy some sugar free ice cream and it was rocky road, my favorite!!! They bought us the swing we wanted and lots of little things.
It was funny though because I was looking for one of the nurses all over the office because she had a call to take care of and I couldnt find her and after checking everywhere but the lunchroom, I decided to look there. So I peeked in to see if she was in there and sure enough there were gifts on the table, food laid out and there she was. So I found out early and acted like I didnt know. So as my lunch time came and was going and I was still up front answering phones a nurse came up and asked me when I was going to eat lunch and they were so silly about it because everyone had went to lunch and forget to have someone answer the phones so I told her that I couldnt go anywhere until someone came to relieve me because someone had to answer the phones! They had all been waiting for me to come back and assumed I would but I was still busy working. I thought that was funny. But it was nice how even the girls who were off today came in for the party.
So even if we lose our jobs I know I will still have good friends to depend on if I need them and that is nice to know. So it was nice to have it today because of all the news about maybe losing our jobs and we all just took a nice long break today and celebrated despite what is going to happen to our office. They said they thought they'd better have the party soon in case we do all get fired and then they wouldnt be able to afford baby gifts! So I thought that was sweet of them.
So despite the crappy work day we had, the party made it worthwhile! Thanks gals!!!
The dr said everything looks great! He wants me to go see an eye dr to have my eyes checked, and it isnt a bad idea since I havent had new glasses since senior year of high school, so I am about due. Caleb kept kicking and moving so much that the dr had a hard time finding his heartbeat cause all he could hear was the kicks. But he says that is the sign of a happy and healthy baby. So I felt much better after going to the dr. I've lost a pound since my appt last Thursday which makes sense because I havent been very hungry lately and thus havent eaten too much.
Well we've gotten no official news from work about our job situation but one of my co-workers husband found this today online, so it could mean us or if we are lucky we are not included in that number but as far as we are concerned we are expecting to find out soon that we will be without jobs. Tomorrow there is a big meeting of office managers at our office so we may know more then, all this waiting is annoying! I just wish they'd tell us something!
It's been a long tiring weekend, despite the fact I haven't done much but sleep. Friday afternoon at work I started having blurred vision, seeing spots, and being very dizzy. So one of the nurses checked my blood pressure, it was fine at 110/80, and my sugar was at an okay level, it was 119 and the dr likes it below 120 after meals. So I sat around waiting for my vision to come back but after 30 minutes I got frustrated and couldnt get any work done so we consulted with the one Dr. that was in the office that afternoon and she told me to call my ob. So I did. They had to page the dr and call me back so I waited and the final news was , go home, go to bed and we'll see you on Monday. Not good because we are very busy at work and I knew it would be hard to get off on Monday but I worked it out. The annoying part is I just went to the dr Thursday and was doing pretty well but I guess I was doing too good for too long and we cant have that.
So all weekend long I have laid around for the most part, I am extremely tired all of the time and if I try to do too much, which isnt usually much at all, I get very lighheaded. Today I managed to force myself to do somethings. I washed all of Caleb's outfits and some of his towels and cradle sheets. It's a good thing I did too, it took me forever to de-tag everything and I know soon I wont even have the energy for that. I even cleaned out our closets and packed up what clothes Dean and I dont wear, in an effort to make room for Caleb's stuff. It is so neat to see his little socks and clothes! I cant imagine what he will look like and it is strange to think his feet will be that little!
Dean did a lot of theater stuff this weekend, and I was alone for the most of the weekend so I had plenty of time to wallow in the misery of the way I was feeling. I admit I have been downright depressed for the last few days and quite moody. I know it is probably just hormones, but I hate feeling this way. I am about sick of trying to control my sugar especially when the medicine usually gives me the shakes and half the time I almost forget to take it or to check my sugar. I just hate having to think so hard about how I eat especially when I will be so good and eat right but still have a high sugar level. It makes me wonder why I even try to control it because it isnt seeming to help. So that has had me very depressed and I've felt very ill lately, not sick really, just crampy and lots of back pain. And I have no appetite, I will eat a bite or two then be filled which makes it harder to control my sugar because I have to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day which is so difficult when I dont even want to eat anything. I really should discuss that with the dr tomorrow, if I remember.
So it's been a sad, lonely weekend, today was somewhat better though. I felt better getting some things done around the house, more nesting I suppose. And we went out this evening to meet with some people in a new theater group that want Dean to work with them, and the meeting went very well and was quite promising. They'd even take me on to help and aren't against having Caleb sit by us in his carrier or play pen while we work , and they can pay us a little for each show we work on. So it was very promising and helped me feel a lot better about possibly losing my job soon or not being able to work because the amount they would pay would be better than no money at all. So, we've spent the latter part of the evening dreaming about this new venture and how we can do it with Caleb around.
I'll write after my appt tomorrow night, I doubt I'll find out much more than I found out Thursday, if I'm lucky they'll put me on bedrest forever! Well Dean wouldnt be thrilled and I'd settle for having to just lessen my current work schedule but chances are I may not have a job soon anyway. I really do love my job but I just dont have much more strength in me to keep it up and feel somewhat healthy. When I got home Friday night my feet were about 3 times their normal size and I know it was because of working all day becuase since I've rested all weekend they have been fine. Well we'll see what the dr says, probably nothing new but they wanted to see me so they must be concerned. I told them it was no big deal, it was more just annoying than anything, I mean my vision was really screwed up for a long time and I could barely see. It's not like it hurt or anything but I couldnt function and it made me really dizzy. So I guess I should be concerned. I am more concerned about controlling this unconrollable sugar problem though.....but I dont know what if anything I can do about it that I havent already tried. Well good night folks, hopefully tonight will be more restful then the last few nights have been.
My ultrasound appointment was short and simple. The tech said they would just check for the amount of fluid and the babie's movement today since they did size measurements last week. And luckily today Caleb was up and about. He kept waving his hands and fingers as if he knew I was watching! It was soo cute. I could see everything much clearer today. I still think his feet look huge! And turns out I was right about all those cramps on Tuesday and yesterday, Caleb was repositioning himself, and the stubborn kid is definitely not head down anymore. Apparently he is doubled over, it is hard to explain, but his head is down by his feet, it's like if you were to stand up and touch your toes then look between your legs, yeah, that's how I'd describe it. And his butt and back are sitting right up against the sides of my uterus and his butt is about logged up under my rib. So that explains a lot of the cramps I am having, the dr said it is my uterus stretching to accomodate him. She couldnt get very good pictures of him becuase of the way he was, mostly just got shots of his back, feet and head. She said he did very well on his movements today and once again she could tell he was practicing his breathing, and you could see his little heart beating! It is the greatest thing to watch. But I was dismayed to find out at my ob appt that it looks like we will go all the way to August unless anything major comes up. I guess I just was hoping it would be sooner because it is getting so hard to work any more and feel so pregnant and tired all of the time.
The dr said my belly measured 34, I am not sure if that is inches or if I measured at 34 weeks, and of course I didnt think to ask. And she said the baby is definitely bigger than he should be but that they try to wait until 39 weeks if they have to induce labor because with diabetes the babies lungs take longer to develop but from the ultrasounds it looks like he is doing fine, but apparently they'd rather wait if they can but that if my sugar cant be controlled, and she said they are still on the high side, then they may have to induce me earlier but that it would be better if I went into labor on my own because inducing means labor takes longer. So who knows, I want Caleb to be healthy but I dont know if I can take another 7 weeks of feeling so worn out and the cramps and back pain are awful. I guess I am just ready to not be working so many hours is all but I dont have much of a choice seeing as the dr has no reason to put me on work limitations. Since the weather has cooled off some my swelling is under control so even that isnt a concern right now. But my blood pressure was up today and they wouldnt let me leave the ob office until I laid down and the reading went to normal.
The new dr I met today is nice, she is a woman, so it was easier to talk to her than my regular dr. And turns out she knows one of our theatre friends, who happens to work at the hospital I will be delivering out. So she said maybe if I am lucky, Kathy, our friend, would be working when I go into labor. I was wearing a shirt today from when we did Joseph and the amazing tech. dream coat with Mason and the dr walked in and saw my shirt and asked if I knew Kathy since she worked on that show too. It was kind of funny. But it broke the ice since I was nervous about meeting a new dr today. And when the dr saw what my blood pressure was she even said, probably just becuase you were worried about meeting a new dr, all I could think , was how did she know that I was worried!? So it wasnt too bad at all. The worst part about my appt today was I used the directions to get to the office that I got over the phone and last time I went alone I did that too and the way they tell you to go is the long way and there are tons of lights so I was running late for my appt. I rarely go to the office at that location and when I do you would think I would remember to get different directions because every time I go the way they send me I get stuck in traffic. Oh well, the next appt, in two weeks, is at the office by my work so I know where it is and it is much closer, and with my regular dr.
So things look pretty good today, and except for being so tired and stuffy I feel pretty good about things. I was just hoping to find out that Caleb would be coming sooner but I guess not, so it looks like another 7 weeks of work, unless I get laid off before then. But why worry about that now, I think I'll just take a nap and forget all about work.....for today anyway...........
I love my new page!! Dean helped me do it, I couldnt have done it without him. The links dont work yet but we will work on that later.
I talked to my sister in law about watching Caleb once he arrives. She said she will commit to the school year and for four days a week but that she'd prefer 3 days a week, and honestly I'd prefer only to work that anyway. I told her that is only if I dont get laid off, and apparently there is a big announcement coming at work on Friday, so hopefully we'll know something then. But it is nice to know Rachel, Dean's sister, is available if we do need to worry about daycare. Seeing as she has 4 kids of her own I am sure she will take great care with Caleb.
I am so nervous about my drs appts tomorrow. It will be my first one that I go to alone, Dean has always gone with, but someone has to work. So not only do I have to find my way and drive downtown alone, which I hate, I have to meet a new dr alone too. I am sure things will be fine, but I cant help but worry.
I think Caleb moved down yesterday, I had all those cramps yesterday and then today my stomach has changed it's shape and looks like it is bigger. I only hope he didnt decide to move his head up as he has been head down since the very first ultrasounds months ago, now is no time for him to decide to move his head up. But I woudlnt put it past him, he has been awful ornery since day one. He's so like his daddy! So I am going to get some rest and hope that everything goes well tomorrow at the dr, I'll write more after my appts.
I keep telling Dean his new hair cut is so sexy! I kept complaining about him wanting to shave it all off but now that he did I am not sad about it at all. I know he misses all that hair he had but I find it quite attractive. He thinks I am silly but gotta love a bald man! Well at least I love mine!
Rumors are flying around at work that we are getting laid off. It's been a rough 2 days so far this week and it doesnt look to get much better. As we speak I am baking a cake for my co-workers, apparently I have been moody lately and they all say is because I am "prego" but I dont feel moody, I just am not putting up with some of my co-workers laziness and stupidity and for once am speaking up for myself but apparently I am coming across as moody so I hope to woo them with my baked goods, it ussually works! We'll see. But it's been stressful on everyone and none of us are looking forward to any news from the "big guys" but we are doing well so far sticking it out and doing our best to get our jobs done, meanwhile we have to lie to patients as we tell them the merger of our office with another has been delayed and no we dont know why and no we dont have a new move date all the while the thought sits in the back of our head that soon there may be no merger or no office at all. So that's what is going on in my world lately.
Caleb is very active lately and I think I had a few contractions or something today. My back is killing me and I had some bad cramps earlier and I guess they were contractions or something. But I came home from work and took a bath and things have felt better since. I just feel like I am carrying around an extra zillion pounds in my belly and it is making it hard to get around and not to mention I am soooo tired! I am fighting my urge to call in sick tomorrow but if I can just get through tomorrow then I have Thursday off and maybe I'll get some news at the dr about my due date and how Caleb is doing. So til then I am nesting, I am tackling tons of things around the house that I know need to get done before Caleb arrives, but sitting here writing is reminding just how tired I am already. But I need to get something to accomplished or I know I will be mad at myself........
Today we got to see our little, 4 lb 10 oz. baby boy!!! He slept for most of the ultrasound and started to have me worried but right before she was about to give up he woke up and started kicking away. It was so neat to see him. It was much easier this time to see features. Everything looked so big! You could his little heart beating and it was neat to see how clear everything looked, I mena you see the umbilical cord and everything. So now I am on my way to buy a little boys outfit! My mom had gotten us a bunch of 6 mos outfits for boys but we have no small outfits and hardly any onesies. I just want to get something now that we are certain it is a boy.
We went to lunch with some friends, it was really nice. We went to a little cafe type place, the service sucked but the food was great. Then I had to drop Dean off at work, unfortunately one of us has to work. But I was glad he went with me to the dr and then to lunch. He had originally planned on going right back to work but yesterday afternoon he made plans to go visit Dennis at work and by the time we did that it was almost lunch time so we went to pick up Ann (dennis's wife) and we all had lunch together.
Now I just have a few hours to myself then I have to go pick up Dean and it's off to opening night of his play.......
Dean called to let me know he was leaving the theatre soon, but as he got to his truck he found someone had put a box in the back, so he went to take the box out, noticing it had a curling iron and other feminine items in. Then he noticed a purse had been tossed under his truck. So he put the box and purse back in his truck and called the police. They told him to bring the items in to the station. Dean said he'd call me and let know what time he was really leaving downtown. So not 10 minutes later he calls back....they didnt take hardly any info from him and that was that. I was kind of frustrated, I was hoping they'd at least take his name and all and call and let us know what had happened, now I am so worried about whose stuff it was and if the person whose it is got hurt or if their stuff was just taken. I have quite a vivid imagination, probably from watching too many episodes of Law and Order. So I said a prayer for whoever had had their stuff taken so that they would be safe and have peace about losing their things. I hope they find out who it belongs to and that they are ok. The area where Dean does his shows is downtown and not in the greatest of neighborhoods, and I cant help but wonder if someone was in the process of getting away with something then got scared or almost caught and ditched the stuff in Dean's truck only to come back for it later, well too bad for them Dean is a good guy and if we are lucky the bad guys will get caught! I told Dean it's not fair that all the exciting stuff happens to him. It's a pretty cool story and I am sure he will be mad that I wrote about it before he did, but oh well, I can never tell what Dean will or wont write about, and if he writes about it, I am sure it will be much better than my side of it, since I am only writing from what he told me.
So I had to start taking a higher dose of medicine to control my diabetes since my morning sugars are still pretty high, so I take 3 pills 30 minutes before dinner and one pill 30 minutes before breakfast. So I started the 3 pills tonight, I was taking 1 before dinner then last week started 2 before dinner, then today it's three. So I ate a salad w/ grilled chicken, some onion peels, and a peice of toast for dinner, pretty low sugar and carbs. So when I checked my sugar two hours after dinner it was 70, which is really low when my usual after a meal is anywhere from 110-150. And for the last hour I have had the shakes, so I figure since my sugar is low and I have to eat snacks between each meal even at night, that a small bowl of no sugar added ice cream would be okay, but I ate it and still I have the shakes so I checked my sugar again, and it is 69! This stinks. Problem is I have a feeling that it will still be high in the morning. So poor kiddo goes from too much sugar to too little. He must be so confused. I hate how this makes me feel too, I am soo shaky, almost too shaky to type. I'm tempted to eat something but I am scared that will make my morning sugar high so I am just going to deal with it for now unless it doesnt go away soon. Just thought I'd share, thought typing might help me not concentrate on this awful shakiness, but it's not helping, so I think I'll just go to bed.....
Today is exactly two months til my due date! And tomorrow is our next ultrasound, so who knows, my due date may change. I am so excited about finding out how big Kiddo is and to see how he is doing. Dean is going with so that will be nice. Hopefully Kiddo will cooperate and we will know for sure if we will have a Brynn or a Caleb. I held an 8 lb baby today, she was 2 mos. old but was a premie so was about the size of a newborn. She was so tiny! I told the girls at work that I'm just not ready yet!
They told me I look really good for as far along as I am. Yet my mom said today that she thought I looked big for my dates but then again my mom has always thought I looked big (pregnant or not). I am satisfied with how big I am, mostly because I know it is all baby fat. I still have no facial swelling or swelling in my hands, my feet are swollen but I am sure that is directly related to my standing and walking most of the day.
Dean and I went to dinner tonight, it was nice. Especially becuase Dean had somewhere to be but spent some time with me anyway. It meant a lot to me. His play opens tomorrow and they had some problems yesterday with their lights due to the storms we were having so he really had to be there early tonight yet he stayed with me for dinner.
I went looking for fathers day cards this evening. I got somewhat depressed about my dad, and found nice cards for my brother and step dad and I didnt even realize it but I actually left the store without buying my real dad a card. I think it was a subconcious effort to keep myself from getting upset. That and I was really tired. But it wasnt til after I started driving home and I started thinking about mailing my cards off that I realized I hadnt gotten Dad a card. Despite his treatment of me I almost always still send him a card so he knows that no matter what he does that I still love him, yet I cant help but wonder if it would really matter to him if I sent a card or not. And after thinking about it I have decided to be the good Christian and good daughter and go get him a card, but I will wait to look until tomorrow after the ultrasound because by the time I got done shopping and driving home I was too tired.
After meeting Dean for dinner I had decided to go shopping, mostly so I could walk around and walk off what little sugar I had had in my dinner. A nurse at work told me that walking after eating would help my sugar, but since it is so hot out I opted for shopping as my form of walking, and well it is walking. So hopefully, my sugar will be good in the morning, yet I am soo craving some ice cream, but I will settle for sugar free pudding instead. It tastes pretty good but I am really missing ice cream lately and all sorts of goodies. And it doesnt help when all around me other people can have their cake and eat it too. I actually made a cake this week for a girl at work and I told Dean I would make goodies for opening night of his show, I dont know why I chose to torture myself, but usually when I bake things for others I do it out of a pure desire to see them enjoy it, but lately I cant help but get jealous that I cant have it too. And before, by the time I put the effort into baking something I dont want it because of all the work and cleaning up I do but I think my lack of sweets is getting to me....but alas, I will none the less bake goodies for others and sit back and watch them smile all for the love of Kiddo.......ah, Kiddo , if you only knew what I've gone through for you thus far......
My sugar readings have been very high lately, higher today than since I started keeping track of it. I am really worried about how this will affect Kiddo and was getting very concerned about how I've been feeling, shaky and dizzy lately. Not to mention Kiddo wasn't very active at all for most of the day. But since I've been home from work I've done nothing but lay around and watch tv. And the whole evening he has spent entertaining me! I could sit and watch him move all day long, if he would. Several times he moved so much that I lost my breath, or at least that is what it felt like. So I felt much better as the evening went on, but I still worry about how my high sugar will affect him. I cant wait til Thursday when we go for our ultrasound, I am both anxious yet worried about it. I worry that we may find out there is a problem yet anxious to see how big Kiddo is, which in itself may end up being a problem.
Dean's been at rehearsal all night, and I've had to fight more than once to keep myself from calling his cell phone to tell him how much fun Kiddo was having. He would have loved to watch Kiddo playing. Usually Dean cant see him move because it is so sporatic that Dean could sit there for 15 minutes staring at my belly and see no movement yet all evening I sat and watched him! I think Kiddo knows when his Daddy is around. Lately if Dean talks to him or touches my belly he moves towards or kicks at him. I find that adorable. It's like hey Daddy here I am !!
We have a prenatal baby listener, and we usually try to see if we can hear Kiddo's heart beat. So last night, Dean was reading and I made him put on the headphones so he could listen too just in case I found anything worthwhile and sure enough for the first time, since hearing Kiddo's heart beat at the drs office, we got to hear Kiddo's strong heart beat with our monitor at home. It was amazing. At first I wasnt sure it was really Kiddo's heartbeat, then we listened for a while and it really was! It was the greatest thing. I mean we'd heard it before at the drs but sitting in bed cuddling and listening to Kiddo's heart was just amazing. I am looking so forward to holding our baby in our arms, even if the thought still scares me, but I cant help but wonder what our child will look like. All I know is that no matter how sick I have been and how much pain I may be in sometimes, it is all worth it to know that living in me is a life Dean and I created, with God's master design and help of course.
Today at work a patient came in for an appt with her baby. He was so tiny, so of course we all wanted to see him and ask questions. Apparently he was 2 weeks old and weighed only 5 lbs 9 ounces. I asked if he was a premie and she said he came 8 weeks early, ok , folks that is like me having our baby anytime this week! He was 4 lbs 19 ounces when he was born. She had had a drs appt that morning and they did an exam and told her she was 7 1/2 centimeters dialated and needed to go to the hospital. She'd had no contractions and no pain. She said that morning she woke up with pressure in her pelvis and her hips hurt her but that was all.
She barely made it to the hospital and he was out of her in no time. I was somewhat jealous but all day long I keep thinking that I could have Kiddo at any given moment, or it could be another 9 or 10 weeks. Who knows. I asked the girl if she had had any problems or if she was high risk and she said she had a completely normal pregnancy. Which scared me even more since I am in such a high risk category right now.
So all day I have worried and pondered, am I really ready? As if it makes a difference cause once Kiddo decides to come I think he will do it his way not mine. I only hope it is as easy as her labor, but I realize that is absurb, I mean how hard is it to push out a baby less than 5 lbs. Oh well. But seeing her baby gave me hope that even if Kiddo comes early he will more than likely be just fine and as healthy as can be.
I see Dean has been talking and thinking babies today too, which is funny cause sometimes I wonder if he even realizes soon we will have one. And I told him a little bit ago, after relaying this same story to him, that at any given moment or upcoming day we could be in labor and life will change forever. Okay, I am really getting scared. To top it all off I registered us for a one day childbirth class on July 8th, and I kept joking that if I didnt schedule it soon the baby might come before we even go to class for it, and well it could still happen, hopefully though, and I dont see Kiddo arriving anytime before then, we will at least make it that far. But I dont know, this heat today is getting to me, so I cant imagine how it will be when I get bigger.
At work we were scrub like uniforms and nurses shoes and a week ago I asked if I could wear maternity clothes instead and they were fine with it. Then today I asked if I could wear different shoes, preferably my sandals and my boss laughed and said,"what are your feet swollen now too!" I said yes and she just kept laughing. Apparently no other pregnant employee has ever cared and well just wore what they wanted. But I didnt want to show up in comfy clothes and sandals, even if I do still dress professionally mostly , and then get in trouble for it. Today I wore a comfy dress and comfy shoes and all the girls at work asked me why I was dressed up. I laughed and said these are my comfy clothes. I'd rather wear dresses anyday and especially lose fitting ones , much better than drawstring waist pants. And they all said they'd rather wear pants or shorts, but I was happy to be able to sport my summer dresses and now sandals too! I'll probably look more professional then everyone in the office though becuase they all wear pants and it will seem like I am the only one dressed up but the drs do dress up mostly, but not always.
One of the drs in our office is pregnant and due a month after me and today the nurses told me she is definitely bigger than I am by a lot and they cant believe she is due a month after me. That made me feel good. I felt good today because I realized you can only tell I am pregnant when you see my belly. If I am turned with my back to you you cant even tell since the only weight I have gained is baby weight it is all centralized in a big bulge on my belly. So I didnt feel too bad about it today, I guess knowing that I am not too huge yet helps, but I know that soon I will probably put on a lot more weight and quickly.
Just in case you didn't notice- you've probably been re-directed to the new URL- http://amymckenzie.com/blog/bearlythere.html
I can't believe I haven't posted in the last few days, but we haven't really been around much. We were dog/house sitting again. Friday night we had our Small Group meeting bible study, it was nice but I was really tired. I had just enough time after work to go to our friends house, let the dog out, shower , change and leave. Saturday was our lazy day, kind of. We spent the day at Dean's friends house so Dean could set up the puter he built for him. I was thoroughly bored but he had made us lunch and I enjoyed that part of the visit!
Saturday evening we threw together a cook out with Ann & Dennis, a couple we met from the theater during Our Town. Then we went to see Shrek, yes, a bunch of adults went on a double date to see a pg movie. I think that is funny, but not as hilarious as the movie was. Dean and I laughed more than anyone in the audience, even the kids! But we had a nice relaxing weekend.
Today was pretty relaxing too. Of course we went to church, then we went to this Baby Safety Class which about put me to sleep. Then we went to visit Dean's parents since they've been on vacation for a week. Then we came home to do nothing, well I did do some baking for a party we are having at work tomorrow, but that didnt take too long.
I've come to love Sunday afternoon/evenings. Dean and I almost always end up spending a lot of quality time together then. I think it is because we have had some time to rest from the long work week, and are realizing that we are about to start another long week so we do our best to take the time to enjoy each other and our time together.
I have to admit I am so glad we dont have to dog/house sit any longer, our house may not be that nice, compared to theirs, but it is home. And nothing compares to being able to sleep in our bed and wake up to familiar things. Not to mention to not have to get up several times a night to let the dogs out. Now I will just have to get up several times to go potty myself which is better than having to walk downstairs to let dogs out as well. If I just walk to the bathroom for me I tend to be able to go back to sleep but if I have to go all the way downstairs and do something by the time I make it back to bed I am pretty much awake. So here's to a good nights sleep in my loving husbands arms....ah...I feel better just thinking about it............
I talked at length today with my sister-in-law, whenever we get on the phone we tend to do that. You would think she was my real sister or something. Ironically her name is Amy also, so when she married my brother and since I was already married, she assumed my old name. So at our friend Joe's wedding last weekend everyone saw in the wedding program my name as a matron of honor which indeed I was not, but she was. And since a lot of my old friends and family were there they looked for me. Funny thing is half of them, well at least the friends part of them, didn't know I was even pregnant. So when everyone sought out "Amy Cullum" and found her not me of course they inquired about me only to be told she couldnt make it because of the baby in turn, which baby, and she proudly told them I am due in August. HA!
Most of these people I am talking about used to go to our old church and I didnt exactly leave them on good terms when I left and have tried at great lengths to avoid contacting many of them because all they do is gossip and backbite, thus my fear of getting into relationships at church, but that is changing with our new friends at church. But point is, I found Amy's story, about how they all found out about Kiddo, truly enjoyable. I didnt even think about that aspect of missing the wedding til she mentioned it, and I am sure it would have been great fun had I been there to see the shock on everyone's face.
See back in those days, when I was friends with these people I had two really close girlfriends, and we were like the cliche of the century. And everyone always joked about how I would be the first to have a baby then April then of course Natalie last, since she was the least likely to settle down. So ironically, Natalie marries a few short months before Dean and I and ends up pregnant shortly thereafter. And a few weeks ago I found out April has a baby already too. And even I thought I would be the first to bear child, but turns out they were much more fertile than I that or just tried harder, or as I perceive it, more often. So I delighted in all of this news today. And once again am so grateful I have such a loving husband and that we have been together for so many years before having a baby. There are so many people who either dont have any time with their father's child to relish as just them or have just the few months that they are pregnant to do so. And I know that Dean and I will be so much more able to deal with the changes in our relationship brought by this little addition to our family because we have had so much time to get to know each other and to grow as a couple and this is just the next step in our relationship. I just thank God how blessed I am to have the family and friends I have now and to be where I am today.
So I dont know really where all that came from, I am still giggling inside as I think about what great fun they must be having talking about me and the baby and of course Dean, see many of the people there thought my attraction to Dean was just all in good fun and that of course he was just my back up plan, for when I didnt marry the man that everyone thought I would. But once again the joke is on them, I loved Dean for years and well just used my other relationships to fill in the time til Dean wised up enough to notice. And luckily for us it didnt take him too long to realize........or else I think I'd be writing a completely different blog right now.......so as another year goes by in our relationship and more milestones are passed in our lives I cant help but laugh at those who thought and probably still do think that we'd never make it. Funny thing is, I think that with every day and every challenge Dean and I just get closer and closer and happier and happier, and I know as we look upon our new baby together we will grow in ways never thought imaginable and at that moment there will be no greater amount of joy in our life.......
This is my first official Thursday off of my new schedule, from now on I will always be off on Thursdays. This is good because starting next week I have to go get an ultrasound every week at the hospital which is quite a little drive from our house. But this week I probably could have worked, except for my back hurting so badly. So I have no plans today, and usually I always have something to do. I actually I am sitting in front of the puter and I rarely do that even. I am tempted to open our pack and play and assemble it, I mean it does fold right back up and has a convenient carrying case, but I just want to see it and see how it folds up, how easily it does, and hopefully it is easy. So maybe I'll tackle that later.
I was reading Dean's blog today, and I hate reading how he feels on a puter screen, especially if he hasnt mentioned those feelings to me yet. And it got me thinking about Baltimore, which is strange because I was just about to call my grandparents and they live there. But it is strange because it's been a long time since I got upset about not being there. I was almost upset about missing Joe's wedding and I was upset about misisng Stacey's graduation but I guess I really had told myself it was because of the baby that we weren't going, not necessarily because we were so far away, but if I werent pregnant the drive wouldnt have been a problem. I've driven it several times by myself and Dean would have gone with me so we could have split up the hour drive. So I guess I just rationalized things differently than Dean did. I have gotten to the point that I am being really selfish lately, but I think going 10 hours away right now with my health being so unstable most of the time would be a bad idea. I would have loved to be sitting on the beach this week with Dean's family but who knows if by the time we got there if I'd feel up to much of anything.
My biggest concern about being so far away from my family is that the baby wont know my family very well but maybe by the time our child is older we will be more financially able to visit or even move a little closer so it's not such a long trip to visit. But I think there is way too much here to leave that at this point we would probably be miserable leaving here too, then we would be sitting in Baltimore wishing we were back here. But I honestly have gotten over this and I suprised myself that I didnt let it get to me more with so much going on back home that I am missing out on right now. I guess I just have forgiven myself for chosing to come here when there was so much I left behind in Baltimore, but I know that this is where we need to be, at least for right now. Kiddo wont know the difference for a few years anyway, and he will have grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles here so it wont be like he wont have any family. But deep down I would love to be home and being able to take the baby to visit all of our relatives, but at least I have an excuse to want to go visit now! Sometimes it gets to big such a big deal when we go to visit that it makes us almost not want to go but I think with the baby it will be nice because everyone will give the baby attention instead of focusing on us so much. Well that is how I feel about moving back, maybe in a few years, but I guess by then I will care even less, well maybe. My thought is maybe if I dont go back to work full time, I could drive home more often and visit my family, well I guess I could still go visit more often and take the time off of work. I am already trying to figure out how soon after I have the baby that I can make the trip, but then I have to think about how much more difficult it will be to make the trip because I have to lug all the baby stuff and stop to change diapers all of the time. We'll see........
I had a really rough day today and I almost fell asleep driving home again. Then I get to our friends house where we are dog/house sitting and see that the garage door is open and that the dog is clearly not in her cage as she is jumping and barking at me from the kitchen window. So at first I thought, okay they came home early. Then I walk into the house to find Dean's lunch still sitting on the counter where I'd nicely packed and left it for him to take. So I got panicked, okay, is Dean okay because surely something must have happened to him this morning after I left. But his car isnt there so he definitely isnt home and neither are our friends. So I got really upset, got a terrible case of the what ifs and searched the house to make sure there were no doggie suprises or strangers lurking for me. But all was well, except by now my horrible day had just been too much and I called Dean and got all upset with him but I think it was more that I just cant deal with working, being pregnant and tending to much else.
So now I sit here being mad at myself for getting Dean upset at me but I think that sometimes pregnant women should just be given a break every now and then when they get all teary eyed and panicked. I mean if I wasnt having such trouble walking because Kiddo is putting so much pressure on my back that every step aches and if I didnt have to do fifty billion things before our friends get home like clean up and pack up our junk and not to mention worry about how I managed to screw up the check book , again, well aside from all that, welll I think I would have had a decent day. But it didnt end up that way so now I sit here all upset and completely exhausted just prolonging the zillion things I must get done in the few short hours of energy I have left in me.
I told Dean I may call in sick to work tomorrow but then that would just make me more miserable because then I would just lay around all day and be alone until Dean gets home from rehearsal around 11 pm or so. But I cant imagine walking around with this constant back pain and with my sugars going up and down so often I have to check my sugar at least 6 times a day that I could get much quality work done.
Okay enough whining.....yeah, did I mention my feet are starting to swell like 2 xs their normal size lately, argh, and it's not even like it's hot and humid out, must just be the extra weight I am toting around.
In other news, a girl in the office next to ours at work is due at the end of the month, and just found out her baby weighs 9 lbs! And she has 3 weeks til her due date, and they just diagnosed her with gestational diabetes, and this is the girl who was giving me hope because she had diabetes in her first pregnancy but not this one, well until she found out last week. So so much for that theory, that you wont always have it when you get pregnant again. They havent decided whether to induce her early or to do a c section but I cant imagine carrying a baby that big and being at work , even if she only works 3 days a week. So as they talked about this at work today they all joked and starting making guesses at how big Kiddo will be and I said if they ever tell me my baby is that big I will demand they take him out right away. I have no desire to challenge my body to have a natural childbirth especially with a baby that big, okay maybe I am being selfish, but the last few months have been strenuous as is, no need to top it off with having a whopper of a kid and boasting that you delivered vaginally. Give me the drugs and the easiest route possible, if there is an easy one.....
Well, it's been a fairly busy weekend, or so it seemed. Friday night we spent downtown working on setting up lights for Dean's upcoming show. Then Saturday morning we were lazy and slept in. Then we headed back to the theater to work on the remaining set items that needed to be taken care of. We topped off the evening with a great dinner at Macaroni Grill, my absolute favorite place to eat. Then what did we do? Actually I dont recall. Maybe Kiddo remembers? No such luck, who knows, I'll have to ask Dean.
Sunday was the same as usual, church and then we went to a cook out with our small group. And then we had to stop by our friends house to pick up keys so we can house/dog sit for them this week. I hate dogs really I do. I dont know what they expect from me and they stink. Not to mention they lick way too often. Okay I love petting cute little dogs but still for the most part I am not a big dog fan. So this is a bit much for me. I dont mind it too much seeing as we will be getting paid. Plus their house is so nice and huge. Not to mention they have a great entertainment center set up. Last night Dean and watched DVDs, ate chinese food, and later popcorn. Then we relaxed in their huge bathtub. It was quite a relaxing night. So if I dont post much this week it is because I am not around our puter but I guess I could use theirs..... Stacey graduated today. I hated not being able to be there for her. We used to be so close now things are so different. I miss the way things were, but I am so proud of her, seeing as she has made it so far by herself. Congrats!! I may never graduate and experience the things Stacey has but I am glad that she understands that I chose to make these decisions and thinks no less of me for having a family now instead of finishing up school, although I know at times even I could kick myself for my decisions.
Well it looks to be a fairly boring week folks, especially since Kiddo is draining me of all of my reserves. I have been feeling bad these last few day as is and its not helping that the new meds I started for my sugar are throwing me through a loop. Today I got so scared because I started shaking really badly, apparently my sugar dropped to quickly and I had to eat something even though I didnt even feel hungry. So it goes from too high one minute to too low the next. I will never understand this stuff. I just will be glad when things get back to normal with my body, at least as normal as can be expceted after having a baby. This is almost week 31 for me. Scary stuff, getting down to single digit weeks left, and next week is our first ultrasound of the many weekly ones to come. I am looking forward to it just to see if we are really having a Caleb or a Brynn but then again I am scared that something might be wrong with all these recent complications. OH well, we can only pray and be patient.