AmyMckenzie.com

I faxed the last week

I faxed the last week of my blood sugar readings to my dr today and they called and said I need to start taking some medicine to control it. Today my sugars have been very high, I cant help but wonder if it has something to do with my feeling under the weather, but I sit here with a grumbling belly and unable to eat because if I do my already high sugar level will go through the roof doing God knows what kind of damage if any to Kiddo. So I will just be hungry I guess. Tomorrow is my first ob appt that I will go to without Dean. He is trying to save his time off for once Kiddo is here, not to mention at least a few of those many upcoming ultrasounds. So I dont mind too much, but I still am always worried about these appts especially now with the sugar and iron problems and it helps to have him along to comfort and well basically to talk to so I dont worry. But I am sure it will be fine, I know there are tons of women who go to almost all of their appts alone and I know I am blessed to have Dean go with me.

I spent the evening at Dean's rehearsal. I wanted to go so that I wouldnt be so alone this evening, especially since I will be off of work all day tomorrow and I wont really have any time to spend with Dean until 3 weeks from now.(until his show is done with). It was nice to just be there with him, especially since I dont know the play and only know what he tells me about the cast and play. It was fun but I guess I will never get used to Dean's other life, the theater. He has much stronger relationships with other people than I think he even has with me, but I am sure that is just because they spend so much time together so often and I rarely get to spend time with Dean during this time. But I always feel left out and rejected when he works on a show and it is a hard blow now that he is so tired when he comes home and I am getting so fat and ugly, or so I think. But he keeps saying how beautiful I look, and I know he means it, but he isnt gaining weight daily and feeling so huge. So I guess it is just harder to see his close friendships with the theater friends when I already feel so left out nowadays because of my pregnant state. Which reminds me how tired I am right now, so I think I will call it a night.......Dont want you to think things aren't going well with Dean and I, sometimes I just hate the theater, and then other days I love it. I guess I just know that Dean is having a tough time with it lately and is always so worn out, and that makes me frustrated. I guess I just wish he could always enjoy it but it isnt always so easy to do when you work 40 hours, have a pregnant wife, and have 2 people waiting for you to fix their computers in your "spare" time, as if he really ever has any......just wish he had more time to do what he enjoys, that's not too much to ask is it?

It is getting harder and

It is getting harder and harder to get myself up and about lately, mostly because if I go from laying down to sitting up or walking I feel like I will fall over. All of the sudden my belly feels heavy. It's like I constantly feel like I have a full bladder or stomach, kind of like after you eat a huge meal, but it is all of the time. And it doesnt help that every now and then I get reminder kicks and movement shifts that make me realize that Kiddo is really in there. It is so odd, I can't even explain how it feels really, no matter how hard I try. I just know that in the last few days the weight has shifted and feels much heavier, I guess that is what they call the bloated feeling or something. I wish I could explain it better but I just can't.

I may really end up getting a day off every week, I asked over 1 and 1/2 months ago to go to a 32 hour schedule because I am so tired and now I am just getting fed up with my boss. I keep telling her when my drs appts are and I mean I have an appt this Thursday and I had to track her down today to make sure she knows that I will not be at work on Thursday. I told her that I will need Thursdays off at least half a day starting June 14 and I was scheduled to start having Thursdays off after June 25th but I need off every Thursday before then except for June 7 so I told her this and she said we will discuss it tomorrow. And after having this conversation with her I find out she just told my co-worker that she would be transferring to another office on Thursday which would make it impossible for me to have off every Thursday yet I asked off for these days well in advance. So none the less it ended up that she told me that tomorrow she will evaluate the office staff schedule and see if we can start to give me my 32 hour schedule starting this week, but this is the third time , at least she has said this. I am tempted to get a drs note this Thurs at my appt saying I cant work 40 hours just to kick her in motion, but I dont think that should be necessary, I mean I asked months ago to reduce my hours because I just get too tired and here it is almost June and they still wont make up their mind. I guess you could say I am mad about it, but mostly just frustrated that I have been exhausting myself over my job and no one cares. But this is my own fault.

I miss Dean a lot when he has rehearsals all of the time. But tonight I met him for dinner then went shopping for a few hours to occupy myself. I never go shopping alone, okay, not often, but I always feel so good after I do. I was so proud of myself for buying hardly anything. But I still end up missing time with Dean. yeah, we live together and all, but when he is working on a show he is never around, or so it seems. And I know this upcoming weekend will be even worse because he has to work on the play then too. I guess I should start to make plans for myself now so that it wont be so bad. I hear babies r us is having a huge sale Saturday! ;-)

Yesterday was another gloomy looking

Yesterday was another gloomy looking day for the most part. So we went to church then to a picnic at my in laws church, it was a good thing it was under a tent because it started to pour down rain while we were eating. Then we all came home and took a nap, I hadnt been feeling good so I needed to rest. I have been having odd belly cramps, no doubt just some sort of growing pains, but it hurts none the less. Then we went to babies r us and got the pack and play we wanted, my grandmom buys all the grandkids babies those so she had sent a gift slip for it so I thought my mom would like to be w/ us when we bought it. And we got the diaper stacker that matches our set. Not to mention a cute outfit that was on sale for Kiddo.

But mom left early this morning, it is always strange having them come visit, especially when they stay with us and not at a hotel. We never have anything planned to do and this weekend it was too nasty out to go do much. So we usually sit around or go shopping. Oh well. Not to mention this time I was too tired most of the time. But I am sure mom understands. I am glad they came, now she knows how nice we have the house for the baby and all the nice things we have for Kiddo.

Today Dean and I are going down to the Taste of Cincinnatti which is a festival held downtown with lots of food and concerts. We're going to meet some friends for lunch and go watch Katie Reider. Hopefully I wont get too tired and grumpy but the way I've felt this weekend I doubt it will be too fun for me, not to mention I hate fumbling through big crowds. But Dean will enjoy it and we will have time to spend with friends. I am soo glad we had off today, I wouldnt want to go to work today if I had to. It is getting harder and harder to get myself out of bed in the morning, one because of my growing belly and secondly because I am always so tired. Well, heres to a great day! Now if we could only get that sunshine to stick around .........

We decided to go shopping

We decided to go shopping this morning, to get me some maternity pants, with not much luck I might add, but I did get 2 shorts on sale and one pair of pants for work. I had a hard time finding ones in my size, but oh well. So then we went to eat lunch and came home and took a nap, everybody but Dean. He watched a movie. So once everyone was up we decided to call Dean's parents and tell them we were coming over, because last night Dean's mom said we should stop over this afternoon to visit. So after Deans movie was done we headed over to his moms. I opened the door and there sat family and friends and lots of gifts!!! I almost cried. They had suprised me for sure. It was a few theater friends and Dean's parent, sister, and my parents. It was a small gathering but lots of gifts. My mom had sent out invites to everyone in Baltimore asking for them to send gifts w/ her since I couldnt make it home. So my mom had stopped at Dean's parents yesterday to pick up a key to our house and dropped off all of the gifts from back home, thus why mom hadnt given us any thing she had said she bought last week. I had no clue!! So here I got gifts from friends here and my grandparents and few aunts/uncles had sent gifts w/ my mom. So we ended up with lots of good stuff. We even got our comforter crib set and the bath tub set we wanted not to mention lots of little essentials. So here I was complaining about not having stuff and Dean and his mom and my mom had been planning for a month to have a shower today! I had no clue. I cant believe I didnt even think about it. Not once, and it even took me a few minutes to understand what was happening when I walked in the door. So todays been full of suprises!! Caleb is so blessed, and well so are we. Thanks everyone! Especially to my wonderful husband for thinking about me and asking my friends to come!

Yipee!! My blood sugar readings

Yipee!! My blood sugar readings were all good yesterday. This mornings was high but I had an extra snack last night, just a biscuit from Popeyes, but I am sure it was loaded with lots of carbs. So I think that is why this mornings was high. So, even though the dr said I am in the high risk category and would probably need medicine and a new diet I think he is wrong. I think if my readings keep being the way they have then he will be very suprised. My mom said it is because there are lots of people praying for me and the baby, and I have no doubts about that. But I still want weekly ultrasounds even if I can control my diabetes, I hope the dr will still do them. Well, at least one more to make sure if we are really having a Caleb or is it really going to be a Brynn?

My mom and step dad got in yesterday afternoon. We went to a concert at church last night, it was great. Lots of great music and worship! And it was strange because not only did my parents go but Dean's went also. So it was a family outing. It was nice to have us all together. My parents and Dean's get along very well, my step dad actually got up this morning and went to breakfast with my father in law. Since they are early risers and the rest of us wanted to sleep in, even if I did still get up at 8 but that is still sleeping in considering Caleb was awake at 6 and kept kicking and telling my belly I was hungry. But I was able to sleep on and off til 8. And by the time I got up and got ready for the day Dean was ready to wake up and mom was out of the shower and dressed. So now we just need to decide what to do on this gloomy blustery day.

Dean & I spent most

Dean & I spent most of day at the hospital for my diabetic education appointments. The first lady we met with had very bad communication skills and it about drove me nuts. But we got the information we needed from her so that was all that mattered. I am on a 2100 calorie diet which is probably more than I eat now and I have to eat 3 meals a day, 3 snacks a day and check my sugar four times a day. Now for me eating 6 times a day is way too much food. Sure I used to overeat and all but not in 6 meals, maybe at one meal I would eat too big of a portion. So I asked her if I had to eat snacks in between meals and she said yes because it keeps my blood sugar more stable. So I think this diet will just make me gain more weight but we will see. Since I have been watching what I eat my sugar has been good. I have to fax the specialist my sugar readings in a week and if they are still high he will put me on medicine but for the last 2 days the levels have been fine. So who knows. They said it takes 3-5 days for your sugar to lower once you change your diet and well that's about how long its been since I stopped the sugar so hopefully I wont have to take medicine to control it, that is my goal anyway, the dr seems to think I wont be able to since my readings were so high but today and yesterday they have been good, so we will see.

This new diet thing has Dean watching his carbs and sweets and I am sure it is good for him. We tested his sugar a little bit ago and it was great so I guess he is fine but I am sure eating healthier wouldnt be a bad idea.

I got another dreadful leg cramp last night. It's been about a month or so since I had them really bad so I am not quite sure why I got one last night seeing as I took all my supplements and ate my banana. My leg is still sore from the cramp last night. So I dread waking up tonight with one. Hopefully I wont get another one, we'll see.

My mom comes tomorrow! How exciting! Well kind of, I am sure it will be somewhat stressful, she will fuss about my sugar and what I eat and no doubt make numerous coments on my weight seeing as she hasnt seen me since January and then you couldnt even tell I was pregnant so she will probably be in shock for a while. But I look forward to seeing her. It ought to be a nice visit. I hope Dean survives it! He always gets mad at me for getting so crazy about having the house nice when she comes and I think this time is worse because I think she will analyze more because the baby is coming soon. But the house is in tip top shape so it should be okay. Now I need to rest, it's been a long eventful day. I'll try to write while mom is here but if I dont get to it I apologize ahead of time.

Today I got an invite

Today I got an invite in the mail for a baby shower for a friend of ours from the theater. I got mad at myself because I actually got upset over it. I guess it is just hard knowing not to expect a shower since all of my family and friends are still in Maryland. Not that I want gifts or anything I just want to enjoy the fun of having a party for Kiddo, and playing all of those goofy baby shower games. I think my mom is kind of bothered about it too, she had told me before that she feels bad for not being able to have a shower for me since I cant make it home before Kiddo arrives. Oh well, I dont know why I let it get to me, but whenever I think about all of the things Kiddo will miss out on since most of his family is so far away, I get upset. It was our choice to move here not his. And I know we still have Dean's family here and our church family but it's just not the same as my family. I probably shouldnt get all worked up over it as is there is no changing things now, but sometimes I cant help but wonder what Kiddo will miss out on being here and if we did the right thing moving here to begin with. But then when I think about where we are now and the friends we have it's hard to imagine leaving this either. So it's kind of a no win situation. Too bad we cant just put all the people we love in the place that we want to live all within the distance of a short drive, instead of a ten hour one!

Today at work the girls

Today at work the girls were talking about when they were pregnant. It started by them once again telling me how big I am getting. They repeatedly say, you sure are getting big all of the sudden. So today they were getting on me about it and asked what the name was we picked out, even though I have told them several times, and I told them that for now I just refer to him as Kiddo, and it's mostly "hey kiddo, stop kicking me!" So they all started telling me about the times when their babies would get settled up against their ribs and stay there. And then Linda said one time the baby stretched out completely and her whole belly flattened. And I just sat their thinking, one day I will be able to tell stories like that too. But for now the baby is still kicking me and staying low, below or at the area around my belly button.

So tonight as I was sitting down to rest after touching up the paint on the bathroom, I noticed a strange feeling. It was like my whole stomach flipped or something, but this time it was higher up, above my bellow button. So I thought maybe it was just my imagination because I hadn't felt him move up but apparently that huge flip I felt was him moving up further. So for the next 15 minutes I watched my stomach move and jump all sorts of ways. But this time it was in a different spot, and since it was higher up I just sat there watching and being amazed at how different the kicks and moves felt from when he had been lower. And I almost cried. It was so strange how just earlier I was thinking that maybe he should be moving up higher soon and sure enough tonight he did. I mean my mid section has gotten huge lately and I was so worried because I was getting fat there and the baby wasn't even occupying that space. But now, all that room is being taken up by Kiddo. So I dont feel so bad. I can't help but wonder maybe if before maybe his legs were just lower and now his head is down or something. Who knows. I think about it too much. But the sensations were so new and exciting this evening. I was tempted to call Dean on the directors cell phone to share with him this news seeing as I know he will take great delight in watching the baby move this evening.

Yesterday Dean had read online that right about now the baby can detect light changes. And it said that if you shine a flashlight on your belly you can see/feel the baby move towards or look at the light. So of course Dean wanted to see. So sure enough last night he gets out the light, turns off the lights, and plays with Kiddo. And wouldnt you know it, Kiddo actually kicked and you could see my belly shift as he moved about when Dean shone the light towards him. Dean got such a kick out of it, and well I literally did too! I think it helps him know the baby is really there when he sees my belly move like that. For me it is just awesome until I start to think about the fact that Kiddo will shortly be out of me which scares me because I dont just know how that is going to go, the whole delivery thing, and well I'd rather just not think about it. I guess my theory is, it has to happen sometime so why worry about. It is kind of like knowing you have to go to the dentist to get a cleaning and you know how awful it will be but you know you have to so you just deal with it. Or like knowing you will have to get out of bed every morning to go to work so why worry about it, just do it. Or like when I knew I had to go take the glucose test, I knew I had to do it, so why worry about it or fret over it, it was going to happen and whether I liked it or not it did. Okay, having a baby is a lot different than those things, but the point is, one day I will have to have this baby and whether or not I am ready or know what to do, it is going to happen. I am just glad I get to enjoy these times with Kiddo just watching him move about in there!

So I am no longer

So I am no longer worried about getting the baby's room ready , cause it is! We spent most of the weekend painting. It was so exhausting, but worth it. It looks great. I will post pics when we take some, we have temporarily misplaced the digital camera! We ended up having a lot of yellow paint left so I painted our bathroom yesterday, by myself ! And that was a bad idea. Now I am sore and achy all over from working too hard all weekend.

Well my ob's office called again today, to let me know when I have to go see the dietician and have a visit with a nurse. So all day this Thursday I will spend getting education on gestational diabetes! Wohoo! Sounds so fun! Not really. But I am looking forward to getting the rules in writing. I have avoided all sugar and thus have horrible w/draw headaches, about as bad as when I stopped the caffeine. Maybe it's just pyschological, but I think the two are directly related.

Kiddo is much more active today, which is good because I was getting worried about him. There for a while he wasnt doing much but all day today he has been up and about.

My mom comes to visit this upcoming weekend, and I've heard that she will come bearing baby gifts! I am so excited! I am tempted to look at our registry to see what was bought but that would be no fun so I'll let you know next weekend! Dean's mom and I went shopping last week and got an adorable baby outfit! I cant wait to see Kiddo in it! ;-)

As I sit here staring

As I sit here staring at the ugly pale walls in what will be the baby's room I am filled with fear: fear that nothing will be done before Kiddo arrives. We still have 2 1/2 months til his arrival, yet when I look at my schedule and Dean's schedule for the next month or so it is unbelivevable. The worst part is my mom will be here next weekend. I was thinking, oh we have time to clean and get the house ready they aren't coming til the end of the month but then I wake up from my nice nap and reality strikes, that is soon!!! I wanted to have the baby's room at least painted before they came but this weekend is the only time to do it and we have a birthday party on Saturday and we may as well forget about doing anything productive on Sunday with all of the stuff we already have to do.

Then aside from having the

Then aside from having the baby's room painted the only things we have for the baby are a crib, cradle, rocking chair, one outfit complete w/ hat and booties, and of course the adorable hat Dean bought kiddo months ago. (speaking of which, where did that go to, last I knew Dean took it to work to show his friends!) Nothing else though; I know that is a lot when you think about the big things but not really when you think we have 2 1/2 months to budget for or recieve the rest as gifts. And I dont really expect many gifts yet I dont want to think we wont get any, I mean my brother made out great with gifts for his first child but they dont live 10 hours away from the family either. I think that will hinder a lot of gifts for us, not that I am greedy, but we aren't rich by any means. So I would love to think we'd get lots as gifts or as hand me downs, like we did our cradle and crib. But as the days go by I cant help but get panicked about it all when I know that God will provide all of the details since he did create and bless us with this child, but I am impatient and I guess that is something I must work on. Certainly he wouldn't provide us with a child he didn't intend to take care to meet his/her needs in life.

I was telling Dean the

I was telling Dean the other day my silly thoughts about what I think the baby does all day(when he's not wrestling around in there) And my theory is he plays with the angels that God gave put in charge over him. So I think all day long he plays with angels and listens to God's comforting words and then sometimes I think he listens to Dean and I. As I read what I just wrote I know that I probably sound crazy but dont you think that God knows that 24 hours x 9 months of darkness would be boring? I mean if the bible says he knew us before we were even formed in our mothers then you would think that we too knew him before we were born, even if we dont realize it. But what would motivate the baby to kick and move and grow if not for the nudges and encouragement of the angels and God himself. If he cant hear us right away he certainly can hear God's voice. Or so I think. Who knows. Maybe I just hope that is how it is, and it may sound silly, but I only hope those angels that play with our baby daily stick around to keep him/her company every day for the rest of his/her life. I believe children often are entertained by angels and that is why sometimes they are so content to play by themselves, or so we think. Oh well... for all those non believers out there, just call my crazy but I'd like to think our baby's life so far is as blessed and joyous as is ours.

I had to have my

I had to have my three hour fasting glucose test this morning. I was so worried about it, and I wasn't looking forward to sitting around by myself for three hours so I took a book to read. I was able to keep the nasty sugar drink down and I didn't even feel naseaus once! Then the girl kept asking me if the baby was being super active and I said no, and actually he wasnt do much moving at all the whole time. So I don't know if that is a good sign or not, I cant help but wonder if I am diabetic because then the baby would be used to such high quantities of sugar so he wouldnt be any more active than normal, but I am probably just thinking about it too much. Maybe kiddo was just too tired and hungry today. Since I've been home he's been much more himself which makes me feel better. It's been a lovely afternoon so far, we are having some bad storms again today but it is nice to sit and listen to the rain. It's the lightning that bothers me the most. I was hoping for a nice warm sunny day so I could go swimming but I dont think it's going to happen. I think I may just take advantage of the dark skies and take a nap. I am sure kiddo could use a rest too, it's been a stressful morning.

Last night there was a

Last night there was a severe thunderstorm warning until midnight. So when Dean got home earlier than expected I was thrilled. It wasn't bad out yet but I worry about him sometimes. So he comes home and tries to pry me away from watching Dark Angel to accompany him on a ride. I made him wait til the show was over and then got dressed as I was in my pajamas and we climbed in the truck to go who knows where. But then I noticed he had a blanket and pillows with him. So I knew he was up to no good.

So we went to a nearby park and laid in the back of the truck watching the lightning storm. It was so beautiful and relaxing. We finally got uncomfortable and decided we better head home before the real storm hit so as we pulled ino our drive it starts pouring down rain. We barely had enough time to get the car windows up and not get drenched! It was a lot of fun, I have the greatest and most caring husband out there. I am so lucky, and I can only imagine how good of a daddy he will be since he already takes such good care of me!

Well about our weekend. We

Well about our weekend. We spent the weekend at our friends parents house on Buckeye Lake. I had wanted to stay at a hotel on Friday just because I thought it would be nice to get away but they would hear nothing of it so we stayed with them in a beautiful house that Melissa's dad designed and built himself right off of an inlet of the lake. I was thrilled about having a chance to wear my new bathing suit but the weather didn't cooperate and luckily , unlike when I forgot to take warm clothes camping, this time I had a pair of jeans and a jacket. So we spent most of the weekend indulgiing in nice homemade meals and tons of junk food, all sugar free of course, except that one brownie I stole while no one was watching. Then the rest of the time we played games and Dean and I spent a lot of time cuddling and talking to the baby.

Dean was so sweet this weekend, being so protective of "us" and always rubbing my belly and talking to Kiddo. I dont know if he knows how concerned I am about those test results we got last week, and I cant tell if he even realizes how big of a deal it is. I never can tell how he feels unless I ask him and then he tells me it's nothing to worry about. But even so I think these are things we should be worried about, so instead of worrying about that I have decided to worry about painting, which is another thing Dean doesnt seem too concerned with and actually he is oppposed to it as we will be moving a few months after the baby comes.

But about our weekend.....so we were lazy all day Saturday and were going to leave on Saturday night so that we didnt interfere with their mothers day but they again insisted we stay and drive the 2 hour return trip in the morning so we spent the evening playing cards and munching. We all turned in kind of early and were awakened to a much nicer and walmer Sunday. So we had breakfast together then headed out to meet Dean's parents at Old Country Buffet by 1:30 and we were even early considering we stopped on the way to see the Longenberger basket building, Dean's favorite part of the weekend, and I am being serious here. So we spent the rest of Sunday continuing to be lazy and we were so exhausted you would have thought we worked hard all weekend, but I think the 2 hour drive made us weary, that and all that good food. So it was nice, even though we never went out on the boat or got to fly Dean's kite for real, but I think it was good for us. We needed a break only to work hard all week and then I am going to put everyone I can find to work painting the baby's room next weekend, just because I feel like I should. So it was fun. I am sure Dean will have pics up soon.

Well, I was asked to

Well, I was asked to produce Into the Woods for Mason Community Players this summer. And I was thrilled to be asked but now I feel so horrible because I am not going to be able to do it. Today I came home from work and couldnt even eat dinner because I was so tired. Dean got on me and told me that I needed to make calls about the show but I couldnt keep my eyes open, it was a wonder I made it home w/out getting into an accident. So, I crawled into bed and slept for a few hours, but I really only thought I would sleep for a little bit and wake up feeling better but I must have been out of it. And this is how it has been, no doubt because of the anemia, but nonetheless I can't help but feeling as though I am letting everyone down by not being able to do the show, and I really want to work on it but I emailed one of the girls tonight about resigning from producing. Of course I blamed it on my health but I cant imagine it is a good thing for me to be so stressed about it on top of all the other stuff going on right now with my health. So I am sure Dean will be very upset with me for not going through with my job but I think I made a good decision and I probably never should have agreed to take the position considering the show opens less than a month before my due date and ends 2 weeks before my due date. And now with the possible diabetes chances are if I do have diabetes that the baby will be born before the due date anyway. So here I sit convincing myself I am not a loser just a concerned mother, but I keep hearing Dean in my head and I am sure what I think he wil say is nothing compared to what he will say. Oh well. I guess all that matters is how I feel and I think resigning from the position when I still can is best as opposed to holding on to a job I cant do when there are others capable of doing it well. So now I think I will go back to bed because I am still soooo tired!

I just got a call

I just got a call from my ob's office. They sure like me here lately. Okay , I had my blood drawn yesterday for my glucose test and they said they would know by Monday at the earliest or Tuesday. So she calls today and I assumed it was to check to see if I had scheduled to have my RhoGam shot, but no, her first remark was we got your blood test back. Which was bad to begin with because yesterday she said that no news is good news, meaning if they dont call me then I am fine and if they do call me there is a problem. She then says my iron is very low and I need a supplement, thus my fatigue problem. So that is fine, but worries me because of mom's thryoid problems and I know I've been tested for that prior to the baby but maybe the baby is draining what little iron I have even with the prenatals it's not enough. So, I assumed then that that was all she was calling for. But blow # 2, your sugar was very high. Doh! Now I need to get that dreaded 3 hour fasting sugar test. I've had that done before, pre-baby, and it was quite nasty. Not to mention you have to sit there all that time just waiting. Strange thing is Kiddo was quite nornal yesterday, not too much more active then usual. So who knows. I am just hoping Kiddo's recent lack in energy isnt because of my low iron or high sugar. And to think I have been feeling so much better lately. Oh well. I guess this pregnancy was just getting a little too normal for Kiddo and he decided to kick it up a notch, and BAM!

Our drs' appt went well

Our drs' appt went well yesterday; except that I've gained 9 lbs since my visit a month ago! I guess it is a good thing I lost all of that weight in the beginning or I would be huge, but it also explains why I am so big all of the sudden. The baby's heartbeat sounded good. And he said he wants me back in 3 weeks, which scares me because I know that the closer you get to having the baby the closer together your appts get with the ob. So, I guess this is it, heading in for the homestretch here soon, just a few more months. This heat is killing me already though. I feel like I need a shower fifty times a day because it is so hot and I feel so hot and sweaty all of the time. Yuck! I guess we could turn on the ac but that would just mean downstairs gets cold and the upstairs still stays hot so we just opt to leave it off for sake of saving a few bucks. But so far everything looks good.

And I am feeling good, except after going to look for a bathing suit yesterday my self esteem is a little down but oh well I am supposed to get bigger and plus Dean thinks the new bathing suit is cute which is all that really matters. So today I get to rest and pack for a weekend get away, ok , it wont be too romantic seeing as we will be staying with friends at their parents house but we are going to go boating and Dean may water ski so it looks to be a great time! Not to mention free! And I am all about free fun. Just hopefully it wont be too hot and uncomfortable and if it is I will just jump in for a swim now that I am equipped with my cute swimsuit.

Here's a pic of

Here's a pic of my new haricut! Click to see larger image.

Before	After

Hey Kiddo! I sit here

Hey Kiddo! I sit here thinking that as I prepare to drink this nasty orange drink for my glucose test that you have no clue what is about to happen. And that based on the amount of sugar I am about to ingest that you will be on a high for the rest of the day. Please be kind to me and don't kick too much. I did not decide okay today I will eat all the junk food I want it's just that the dr, the one who tries so hard to make sure you are safe, has thought it a good idea to fill us up on sugar to see how my body likes it. No doubt this will make you super active so please remember, this wasn't my idea and be nice to mommy today! I think Daddy like going to the dr with me so he can hear hsi favorite noise, the swoosh, swoosh of your heart. I think it helps him know you are really there, but I think it will be more fun for him once he gets to really see and feel you. Well here's to an orange high for Caleb......and a gross breakfast for mommy!

Just a warning..... I may

Just a warning..... I may or may not be alive after Dean comes home and sees what I have done, or rather what I had done. I have been threatening him for weeks that I would go and do it, and well today I broke down and did it. I went and got a haircut. Now most people would ask why does it matter so much. Well, Dean kept telling me to not get it cut until the baby comes hoping that if I waited that long to cut it that I just wouldnt seeing as this is the longest my hair has been since early high school. But as the heat gets worse, I just couldnt cope with it. Not to mention by the time I get up, shower and blow dry my hair every morning I am ready to go back to bed. So in an attempt to spare myself some energy and sanity I went and got it chopped off. It's not as short as it was when Dean and I first go together so he shoudlnt be too angry but I think the fact that I did it anyway will still frustrate him. But then again I didnt complain too much when he dyed his hair cranberry, or whatever shade of red that was. Funny thing is I am soo happy I got it cut I really dont care what he says, but then again I know that once he gets home I will be so self-concious, I just hope he doesnt hate it. And if he does, well I will remind him of what he always tells me, it is just hair it will grow back. But honestly I think I look cute and I suppose that is all that matters, but unfortunately I also think what Dean will think matters too. I was about due for a good beating anyway, so if I'm lucky.................

I really hope everything I

I really hope everything I have read about Kiddo knowing how I feel and that it will affect his life for years to come isn't true. Before I was pregnant Dean and I discussed this, and I side with those who say that kids whose moms didnt want them but had them anyway distinctly knew and that is why they end up with so many problems later in life. I fear that my thoughts, as trivial as they are, will forever torment Kiddo. Yet it's not that I don't want him, I just can't cope right now with so much at one time and I often find myself blaming him. When, as Dean constantly reminds me, it was me who all along wanted a baby(although now it seems as though he is much more excited about the concept than I). And yes when you try for two years you tend to forget what you were trying for, so now that I am hormonally unstable and a physical wreck I can't help but wonder: what was I thinking!? I am only 22 ! I have tons of time left, but yet I really have 3 months (give or take) left. And really I don't even have that because I find more and more things in my life that I simply can't do as well or at all now and I still have 3 months of this left. I am having to limit my job at work just because I can't bend down as far as my 125 lb non pregnant co-worker so I cant find or return patient's chart to their rightful place if their last name happens to be on the bottom shelf of our filing system. And that is just a minor thing. And it is not as though I really have awful thoughts about the baby, more like frustrations. Like if I wasnt pregnant I wouldnt be so fat or wouldnt be so tired, but the thing is, guess what, I am pregnant. I guess it is just hard for since I always have issue with my weight and now I have no control over it even if I do eat so much healthier now than I have ever in my life. If it wasnt for the baby I would probably be losing weight! But I am having a baby, and I am thrilled. But I am not thrilled that I can't do as much and that I cant take care of my house and husband as well. And I hate the fact that there is so much to do and so little time. And that there is so much I want to do for the baby that I can't. I want to be a good mom but I guess I just don't know what that means right now. I feel as though I should have the baby's room painted in adorable colors and patterns, the house spotlessly clean, all the laundry done, done things to make Dean happy, and worked a full 40 hour week. But alas, life is not this kind. I can barely work 40 hours and come home with enough energy to force myself to eat so Kiddo will get big and strong. Yet I still end up somehow with it all done. But I cant help but wonder what Kiddo is thinking or feeling, as I sit here with a growling tummy denying him food because I just ate 2 hours ago so why should I be hungry again. But I am. And am I an awful person for not responding to his demands for food when I am truly too tired to make something or even to go downstairs to find something to munch on. I would say so. Last week I told Dean that I am worried I am not eating enough and I know there are times when I should eat but I just cant bring myself to force more food down my mouth simply because I dont want to. Then all of the sudden I think I am eating too much because in the last week I have gotten a huge baby belly. So Dean is confused and cant figure out why one day I worry about eating too little and now I worry about eating too much yet I still sit and ponder these things as the growling in my tummy gets louder. So I am sure if he realized that not only do these things confuse me, but that I have no clue why or how one minute I can feel one way and another minute feel so utterly opposite. Must be the hormones. Point is, I worry .....ah I suppose that is my # 1 problem......that all of my mixed up feelings about and towards Kiddo will one day come back to haunt me and as mothers day approaches I cant help but wonder what he would say about me as being a good or bad mother up until this point in his life. But I guess if I would just stop worrying about everything maybe everything would be just fine.....ah that would be nice......but if you know me you know thats just about impossible. .......

Well, my ob's office is

Well, my ob's office is so efficient it is almost too good to be true. Today they called me three times at work! It is so funny. The first time she called I was impressed the second and third time it was just hilarious because there they were at another dr's office working on stuff for me their patient while I sit at work taking care of our patient's problems. And the funny thing about it is, they initiated the call not me. So I am dealing with patients who call and bother me with work but they are calling me with things they need to do. Anyway, point is, they called to schedule me to get a RHOgam shot. First of all I knew nothing about what it was or why I needed it so I asked her a zillion questions. Turns out since my blood type is O- I need to be careful that Dean's not RH positive and if he is we may have complications. So he will need to be tested, so I am sure he is thrilled. So I called my mom to see if she had to go through all of this and of course not, her blood type is positive so just another one of my dad's flawed genes. Oh well.....and of course just another thing my mom dind't have to deal with with her two pregnancies, it seems as the way she remembers they must have been perfect cause every time I mention something she is like " well I never had that problem" or "I've never known that was a symptom" Oh well, maybe when Caleb is 22 I will have forgotten what all this was like too. We can only hope........

Ok, I am going to

Ok, I am going to try my best to update as often as possible seeing as Kiddo is getting closer and closer to his arrival, well ok, still a few months but I would hate for him to be here and me to have forgotten so many of the great feelings I have had before he showed himself to us. I am getting bigger and much to my dismay people are noticing. I am so serious, a week ago I did not have what I call , my baby belly. Even Dean agrees! It was like overnight that I all of the sudden I had a baby belly. And now it seems to grow more revealing every hour or so. But I know that is all in my head. I know though that I am still not very big, but I guess I finally look pregnant, and at 26 weeks I guess that is good. But as I notice my size more I am getting even more worried about Kiddo's lack of movement. It seems like he is always sleeping or something cause I haven't felt him nearly as often as usual. And last night I didn't even notice much movement in bed and that is ussually when he is the most active. I had a rough night, I couldn't get comfortable and I kept having to go the bathroom. I think I was just worried about not having felt Kiddo. So this morning he was up around his usual time but still not as actively as usual. Maybe he's too tired from all that growing. Our next dr's appt is Thursday so I hope to find out when our next ultrasound will be. In the meantime I am trying to take care of the other baby, the big one, who is miserably sick and Dean never gets sick. So, I'll go try to cater to him, if he lets me get close enough, he usual feels smothered when he is sick. So we'll see. I might just go back some cookies, yummm............

Dean has got me hooked

Dean has got me hooked on some online journals and now I do whatever I can to find them on my own, and well when people link to others it is easy. So I found one with someone whose due date is closer to my own, so that is exciting. All of the other journals I read are of women due before me by a month or so. It's nice to be able to read someone talk about the same feelings I am having. Scary almost. But my favorite ones to read to date are : this and this one too. Unfortunately both look so much better than my own, better have Dean sit down and show me how to make mine prettier again, I knew once but seem to forget everything anymore...just another pregnancy thing.

An update on my entry

An update on my entry about my dad coming to visit. Well, last I heard he was coming on May 4th to visit. I called him once a day for everyday this week trying to confirm this fact. And I finally talked to him on Thursday and he said he would let me know first thing in the morning. I never heard from him and still haven't. In between all of this, I had to work for 2 hours on Friday so when I got off around 10 a.m. I came home and decided I'd better call and cancel the reservation at the hotel for dad. They said sure we can cancel but you will be charged for the first night plus tax which would be around $100 total since I didnt call 24 hours in advance. Now this took the cake. Not only did Dad let me down again but my own stupidity led me to believe he'd come so I wait to cx his reservation and it costs me $100. I asked for the manager and was told they'd call me. Hours later still no news. So I called back and got news that the manager was busy. By this point I was so upset about paying for dad's failure and knowing we really don't have $100 to spend on nothing so I told Dean the deal and he called and was told someone would call him back. So later on Dean calls to tell me he got it taken care of and that we wouldnt be charged, but only because Dean told them my dad had a medical emergency and couldnt come. The funny thing is the first time I called the girl even told me that they didnt follow their policy and never told me about it because they never sent me a confirmaton letter and I was never given a confirmation number. So they knew they were wrong but it took Dean having to lie to them to get them to ease up even when they knew they'd messed up in the first place. The irony is, when I worked at the hotel we always let people cancel or didnt' charge people if they called the next day cause they never showed up for their reservation. But no, the favor cant be returned, at least not that easily. So on top of trying not to be angry with Dad for not coming I had this to contend with, so to say the least I spent all of Friday vigorously keeping myself occupied with household chores so I wouldn't have time to sit and ponder my true feeling about this most recent rejection from him. So then I made sure we had plans for Friday night, we went to a great couples seminar at church. And Saturday was filled with working, and then we went to visit this castle near us and took some great pictures. Well and we also went shopping, then we came home to take a nap which turned into other things which was interrupted by in laws calling to discuss dinner plans. But regardless, we still had a great day. And today I have planned to keep myself occupied as well. And if all goes as planned by Monday I will totally have forgot that dad was supposed to have been here and been leaving on Monday ,only to have the issue daunt me when my mom questions how the trip went, so hopefully she'll forget that he was to come too.

Sorry it's been so long,

Sorry it's been so long, between working, producing Into the Woods, and producing this kid I am worn out. Not to mention we've gone camping one weekend in there too. I just started my 26th week with kiddo. And in the last week it looks as though my stomach has doubled in size. One day last week my back was killing me, and since I've started physical therapy it hadn't hurt in a while. So I was frustrated but then the next day I was fine and that's when I noticed or began to feel huge! Okay, I realize I am not really huge, not yet anyway, but it seems like all of the sudden my weight has shifted and gotten heavier. My theory is that that day when my back hurt kiddo was getting resituated and has now found a comfy new spot a little higher up. Dean thinks I look beautiful, me I am just happy I can still wear my clothes. I am getting worried as summer draws nearer that I will need some maternity shorts but so far all of my clothes that I need for work and my summer dresses still fit. So I'd rather wear a sundress over shorts anyway so I may not end up buying maternity clothes until the end which will seem like a huge waste of money, but ah, thrift stores are great!