Wisdom from my walk

I really hope everything I have read about Kiddo knowing how I feel and that it will affect his life for years to come isn’t true. Before I was pregnant Dean and I discussed this, and I side with those who say that kids whose moms didnt want them but had them anyway distinctly knew and that is why they end up with so many problems later in life. I fear that my thoughts, as trivial as they are, will forever torment Kiddo. Yet it’s not that I don’t want him, I just can’t cope right now with so much at one time and I often find myself blaming him. When, as Dean constantly reminds me, it was me who all along wanted a baby(although now it seems as though he is much more excited about the concept than I). And yes when you try for two years you tend to forget what you were trying for, so now that I am hormonally unstable and a physical wreck I can’t help but wonder: what was I thinking!? I am only 22 ! I have tons of time left, but yet I really have 3 months (give or take) left. And really I don’t even have that because I find more and more things in my life that I simply can’t do as well or at all now and I still have 3 months of this left. I am having to limit my job at work just because I can’t bend down as far as my 125 lb non pregnant co-worker so I cant find or return patient’s chart to their rightful place if their last name happens to be on the bottom shelf of our filing system. And that is just a minor thing. And it is not as though I really have awful thoughts about the baby, more like frustrations. Like if I wasnt pregnant I wouldnt be so fat or wouldnt be so tired, but the thing is, guess what, I am pregnant. I guess it is just hard for since I always have issue with my weight and now I have no control over it even if I do eat so much healthier now than I have ever in my life. If it wasnt for the baby I would probably be losing weight! But I am having a baby, and I am thrilled. But I am not thrilled that I can’t do as much and that I cant take care of my house and husband as well. And I hate the fact that there is so much to do and so little time. And that there is so much I want to do for the baby that I can’t. I want to be a good mom but I guess I just don’t know what that means right now. I feel as though I should have the baby’s room painted in adorable colors and patterns, the house spotlessly clean, all the laundry done, done things to make Dean happy, and worked a full 40 hour week. But alas, life is not this kind. I can barely work 40 hours and come home with enough energy to force myself to eat so Kiddo will get big and strong. Yet I still end up somehow with it all done. But I cant help but wonder what Kiddo is thinking or feeling, as I sit here with a growling tummy denying him food because I just ate 2 hours ago so why should I be hungry again. But I am. And am I an awful person for not responding to his demands for food when I am truly too tired to make something or even to go downstairs to find something to munch on. I would say so. Last week I told Dean that I am worried I am not eating enough and I know there are times when I should eat but I just cant bring myself to force more food down my mouth simply because I dont want to. Then all of the sudden I think I am eating too much because in the last week I have gotten a huge baby belly. So Dean is confused and cant figure out why one day I worry about eating too little and now I worry about eating too much yet I still sit and ponder these things as the growling in my tummy gets louder. So I am sure if he realized that not only do these things confuse me, but that I have no clue why or how one minute I can feel one way and another minute feel so utterly opposite. Must be the hormones. Point is, I worry …..ah I suppose that is my # 1 problem……that all of my mixed up feelings about and towards Kiddo will one day come back to haunt me and as mothers day approaches I cant help but wonder what he would say about me as being a good or bad mother up until this point in his life. But I guess if I would just stop worrying about everything maybe everything would be just fine…..ah that would be nice……but if you know me you know thats just about impossible. …….

Well, my ob’s office is so efficient it is almost too good to be true. Today they called me three times at work! It is so funny. The first time she called I was impressed the second and third time it was just hilarious because there they were at another dr’s office working on stuff for me their patient while I sit at work taking care of our patient’s problems. And the funny thing about it is, they initiated the call not me. So I am dealing with patients who call and bother me with work but they are calling me with things they need to do. Anyway, point is, they called to schedule me to get a RHOgam shot. First of all I knew nothing about what it was or why I needed it so I asked her a zillion questions. Turns out since my blood type is O- I need to be careful that Dean’s not RH positive and if he is we may have complications. So he will need to be tested, so I am sure he is thrilled. So I called my mom to see if she had to go through all of this and of course not, her blood type is positive so just another one of my dad’s flawed genes. Oh well…..and of course just another thing my mom dind’t have to deal with with her two pregnancies, it seems as the way she remembers they must have been perfect cause every time I mention something she is like ” well I never had that problem” or “I’ve never known that was a symptom” Oh well, maybe when Caleb is 22 I will have forgotten what all this was like too. We can only hope……..

Ok, I am going to try my best to update as often as possible seeing as Kiddo is getting closer and closer to his arrival, well ok, still a few months but I would hate for him to be here and me to have forgotten so many of the great feelings I have had before he showed himself to us. I am getting bigger and much to my dismay people are noticing. I am so serious, a week ago I did not have what I call , my baby belly. Even Dean agrees! It was like overnight that I all of the sudden I had a baby belly. And now it seems to grow more revealing every hour or so. But I know that is all in my head. I know though that I am still not very big, but I guess I finally look pregnant, and at 26 weeks I guess that is good. But as I notice my size more I am getting even more worried about Kiddo’s lack of movement. It seems like he is always sleeping or something cause I haven’t felt him nearly as often as usual. And last night I didn’t even notice much movement in bed and that is ussually when he is the most active. I had a rough night, I couldn’t get comfortable and I kept having to go the bathroom. I think I was just worried about not having felt Kiddo. So this morning he was up around his usual time but still not as actively as usual. Maybe he’s too tired from all that growing. Our next dr’s appt is Thursday so I hope to find out when our next ultrasound will be. In the meantime I am trying to take care of the other baby, the big one, who is miserably sick and Dean never gets sick. So, I’ll go try to cater to him, if he lets me get close enough, he usual feels smothered when he is sick. So we’ll see. I might just go back some cookies, yummm…………

Dean has got me hooked on some online journals and now I do whatever I can to find them on my own, and well when people link to others it is easy. So I found one with someone whose due date is closer to my own, so that is exciting. All of the other journals I read are of women due before me by a month or so. It’s nice to be able to read someone talk about the same feelings I am having. Scary almost. But my favorite ones to read to date are : this and this one too. Unfortunately both look so much better than my own, better have Dean sit down and show me how to make mine prettier again, I knew once but seem to forget everything anymore…just another pregnancy thing.

An update on my entry about my dad coming to visit. Well, last I heard he was coming on May 4th to visit. I called him once a day for everyday this week trying to confirm this fact. And I finally talked to him on Thursday and he said he would let me know first thing in the morning. I never heard from him and still haven’t. In between all of this, I had to work for 2 hours on Friday so when I got off around 10 a.m. I came home and decided I’d better call and cancel the reservation at the hotel for dad. They said sure we can cancel but you will be charged for the first night plus tax which would be around $100 total since I didnt call 24 hours in advance. Now this took the cake. Not only did Dad let me down again but my own stupidity led me to believe he’d come so I wait to cx his reservation and it costs me $100. I asked for the manager and was told they’d call me. Hours later still no news. So I called back and got news that the manager was busy. By this point I was so upset about paying for dad’s failure and knowing we really don’t have $100 to spend on nothing so I told Dean the deal and he called and was told someone would call him back. So later on Dean calls to tell me he got it taken care of and that we wouldnt be charged, but only because Dean told them my dad had a medical emergency and couldnt come. The funny thing is the first time I called the girl even told me that they didnt follow their policy and never told me about it because they never sent me a confirmaton letter and I was never given a confirmation number. So they knew they were wrong but it took Dean having to lie to them to get them to ease up even when they knew they’d messed up in the first place. The irony is, when I worked at the hotel we always let people cancel or didnt’ charge people if they called the next day cause they never showed up for their reservation. But no, the favor cant be returned, at least not that easily. So on top of trying not to be angry with Dad for not coming I had this to contend with, so to say the least I spent all of Friday vigorously keeping myself occupied with household chores so I wouldn’t have time to sit and ponder my true feeling about this most recent rejection from him. So then I made sure we had plans for Friday night, we went to a great couples seminar at church. And Saturday was filled with working, and then we went to visit this castle near us and took some great pictures. Well and we also went shopping, then we came home to take a nap which turned into other things which was interrupted by in laws calling to discuss dinner plans. But regardless, we still had a great day. And today I have planned to keep myself occupied as well. And if all goes as planned by Monday I will totally have forgot that dad was supposed to have been here and been leaving on Monday ,only to have the issue daunt me when my mom questions how the trip went, so hopefully she’ll forget that he was to come too.

Sorry it’s been so long, between working, producing Into the Woods, and producing this kid I am worn out. Not to mention we’ve gone camping one weekend in there too. I just started my 26th week with kiddo. And in the last week it looks as though my stomach has doubled in size. One day last week my back was killing me, and since I’ve started physical therapy it hadn’t hurt in a while. So I was frustrated but then the next day I was fine and that’s when I noticed or began to feel huge! Okay, I realize I am not really huge, not yet anyway, but it seems like all of the sudden my weight has shifted and gotten heavier. My theory is that that day when my back hurt kiddo was getting resituated and has now found a comfy new spot a little higher up. Dean thinks I look beautiful, me I am just happy I can still wear my clothes. I am getting worried as summer draws nearer that I will need some maternity shorts but so far all of my clothes that I need for work and my summer dresses still fit. So I’d rather wear a sundress over shorts anyway so I may not end up buying maternity clothes until the end which will seem like a huge waste of money, but ah, thrift stores are great!

Oh yeah, since we were out til 3 or so last night we decided to be bad and miss church this morning, and with the time change it would have been even harder to get up. So at 8 this morning, no it is really 9, we havent officially changed our clocks yet, my dad calls. The man who for years never calls back when he says he will, calls at 9 am on a Sunday morning and you can hear his irritation that we didnt answer on the answer machine, but despite that I am highly impressed that he called, even though I dont know what he wants yet, the fact he picked up the phone and dialed 11 digits is a miracle. Well we see if he calls back…….but who knows, people do change.