Wisdom from my walk

Today at work a patient came in for an appt with her baby. He was so tiny, so of course we all wanted to see him and ask questions. Apparently he was 2 weeks old and weighed only 5 lbs 9 ounces. I asked if he was a premie and she said he came 8 weeks early, ok , folks that is like me having our baby anytime this week! He was 4 lbs 19 ounces when he was born. She had had a drs appt that morning and they did an exam and told her she was 7 1/2 centimeters dialated and needed to go to the hospital. She’d had no contractions and no pain. She said that morning she woke up with pressure in her pelvis and her hips hurt her but that was all.

She barely made it to the hospital and he was out of her in no time. I was somewhat jealous but all day long I keep thinking that I could have Kiddo at any given moment, or it could be another 9 or 10 weeks. Who knows. I asked the girl if she had had any problems or if she was high risk and she said she had a completely normal pregnancy. Which scared me even more since I am in such a high risk category right now.

So all day I have worried and pondered, am I really ready? As if it makes a difference cause once Kiddo decides to come I think he will do it his way not mine. I only hope it is as easy as her labor, but I realize that is absurb, I mean how hard is it to push out a baby less than 5 lbs. Oh well. But seeing her baby gave me hope that even if Kiddo comes early he will more than likely be just fine and as healthy as can be.

I see Dean has been talking and thinking babies today too, which is funny cause sometimes I wonder if he even realizes soon we will have one. And I told him a little bit ago, after relaying this same story to him, that at any given moment or upcoming day we could be in labor and life will change forever. Okay, I am really getting scared. To top it all off I registered us for a one day childbirth class on July 8th, and I kept joking that if I didnt schedule it soon the baby might come before we even go to class for it, and well it could still happen, hopefully though, and I dont see Kiddo arriving anytime before then, we will at least make it that far. But I dont know, this heat today is getting to me, so I cant imagine how it will be when I get bigger.

At work we were scrub like uniforms and nurses shoes and a week ago I asked if I could wear maternity clothes instead and they were fine with it. Then today I asked if I could wear different shoes, preferably my sandals and my boss laughed and said,”what are your feet swollen now too!” I said yes and she just kept laughing. Apparently no other pregnant employee has ever cared and well just wore what they wanted. But I didnt want to show up in comfy clothes and sandals, even if I do still dress professionally mostly , and then get in trouble for it. Today I wore a comfy dress and comfy shoes and all the girls at work asked me why I was dressed up. I laughed and said these are my comfy clothes. I’d rather wear dresses anyday and especially lose fitting ones , much better than drawstring waist pants. And they all said they’d rather wear pants or shorts, but I was happy to be able to sport my summer dresses and now sandals too! I’ll probably look more professional then everyone in the office though becuase they all wear pants and it will seem like I am the only one dressed up but the drs do dress up mostly, but not always.

One of the drs in our office is pregnant and due a month after me and today the nurses told me she is definitely bigger than I am by a lot and they cant believe she is due a month after me. That made me feel good. I felt good today because I realized you can only tell I am pregnant when you see my belly. If I am turned with my back to you you cant even tell since the only weight I have gained is baby weight it is all centralized in a big bulge on my belly. So I didnt feel too bad about it today, I guess knowing that I am not too huge yet helps, but I know that soon I will probably put on a lot more weight and quickly.

Just in case you didn’t notice- you’ve probably been re-directed to the new URL- http://amymckenzie.com/blog/bearlythere.html

I can’t believe I haven’t posted in the last few days, but we haven’t really been around much. We were dog/house sitting again. Friday night we had our Small Group meeting bible study, it was nice but I was really tired. I had just enough time after work to go to our friends house, let the dog out, shower , change and leave. Saturday was our lazy day, kind of. We spent the day at Dean’s friends house so Dean could set up the puter he built for him. I was thoroughly bored but he had made us lunch and I enjoyed that part of the visit!

Saturday evening we threw together a cook out with Ann & Dennis, a couple we met from the theater during Our Town. Then we went to see Shrek, yes, a bunch of adults went on a double date to see a pg movie. I think that is funny, but not as hilarious as the movie was. Dean and I laughed more than anyone in the audience, even the kids! But we had a nice relaxing weekend.

Today was pretty relaxing too. Of course we went to church, then we went to this Baby Safety Class which about put me to sleep. Then we went to visit Dean’s parents since they’ve been on vacation for a week. Then we came home to do nothing, well I did do some baking for a party we are having at work tomorrow, but that didnt take too long.

I’ve come to love Sunday afternoon/evenings. Dean and I almost always end up spending a lot of quality time together then. I think it is because we have had some time to rest from the long work week, and are realizing that we are about to start another long week so we do our best to take the time to enjoy each other and our time together.

I have to admit I am so glad we dont have to dog/house sit any longer, our house may not be that nice, compared to theirs, but it is home. And nothing compares to being able to sleep in our bed and wake up to familiar things. Not to mention to not have to get up several times a night to let the dogs out. Now I will just have to get up several times to go potty myself which is better than having to walk downstairs to let dogs out as well. If I just walk to the bathroom for me I tend to be able to go back to sleep but if I have to go all the way downstairs and do something by the time I make it back to bed I am pretty much awake. So here’s to a good nights sleep in my loving husbands arms….ah…I feel better just thinking about it…………

I talked at length today with my sister-in-law, whenever we get on the phone we tend to do that. You would think she was my real sister or something. Ironically her name is Amy also, so when she married my brother and since I was already married, she assumed my old name. So at our friend Joe’s wedding last weekend everyone saw in the wedding program my name as a matron of honor which indeed I was not, but she was. And since a lot of my old friends and family were there they looked for me. Funny thing is half of them, well at least the friends part of them, didn’t know I was even pregnant. So when everyone sought out “Amy Cullum” and found her not me of course they inquired about me only to be told she couldnt make it because of the baby in turn, which baby, and she proudly told them I am due in August. HA!

Most of these people I am talking about used to go to our old church and I didnt exactly leave them on good terms when I left and have tried at great lengths to avoid contacting many of them because all they do is gossip and backbite, thus my fear of getting into relationships at church, but that is changing with our new friends at church. But point is, I found Amy’s story, about how they all found out about Kiddo, truly enjoyable. I didnt even think about that aspect of missing the wedding til she mentioned it, and I am sure it would have been great fun had I been there to see the shock on everyone’s face.

See back in those days, when I was friends with these people I had two really close girlfriends, and we were like the cliche of the century. And everyone always joked about how I would be the first to have a baby then April then of course Natalie last, since she was the least likely to settle down. So ironically, Natalie marries a few short months before Dean and I and ends up pregnant shortly thereafter. And a few weeks ago I found out April has a baby already too. And even I thought I would be the first to bear child, but turns out they were much more fertile than I that or just tried harder, or as I perceive it, more often. So I delighted in all of this news today. And once again am so grateful I have such a loving husband and that we have been together for so many years before having a baby. There are so many people who either dont have any time with their father’s child to relish as just them or have just the few months that they are pregnant to do so. And I know that Dean and I will be so much more able to deal with the changes in our relationship brought by this little addition to our family because we have had so much time to get to know each other and to grow as a couple and this is just the next step in our relationship. I just thank God how blessed I am to have the family and friends I have now and to be where I am today.

So I dont know really where all that came from, I am still giggling inside as I think about what great fun they must be having talking about me and the baby and of course Dean, see many of the people there thought my attraction to Dean was just all in good fun and that of course he was just my back up plan, for when I didnt marry the man that everyone thought I would. But once again the joke is on them, I loved Dean for years and well just used my other relationships to fill in the time til Dean wised up enough to notice. And luckily for us it didnt take him too long to realize……..or else I think I’d be writing a completely different blog right now…….so as another year goes by in our relationship and more milestones are passed in our lives I cant help but laugh at those who thought and probably still do think that we’d never make it. Funny thing is, I think that with every day and every challenge Dean and I just get closer and closer and happier and happier, and I know as we look upon our new baby together we will grow in ways never thought imaginable and at that moment there will be no greater amount of joy in our life…….

This is my first official Thursday off of my new schedule, from now on I will always be off on Thursdays. This is good because starting next week I have to go get an ultrasound every week at the hospital which is quite a little drive from our house. But this week I probably could have worked, except for my back hurting so badly. So I have no plans today, and usually I always have something to do. I actually I am sitting in front of the puter and I rarely do that even. I am tempted to open our pack and play and assemble it, I mean it does fold right back up and has a convenient carrying case, but I just want to see it and see how it folds up, how easily it does, and hopefully it is easy. So maybe I’ll tackle that later.

I was reading Dean’s blog today, and I hate reading how he feels on a puter screen, especially if he hasnt mentioned those feelings to me yet. And it got me thinking about Baltimore, which is strange because I was just about to call my grandparents and they live there. But it is strange because it’s been a long time since I got upset about not being there. I was almost upset about missing Joe’s wedding and I was upset about misisng Stacey’s graduation but I guess I really had told myself it was because of the baby that we weren’t going, not necessarily because we were so far away, but if I werent pregnant the drive wouldnt have been a problem. I’ve driven it several times by myself and Dean would have gone with me so we could have split up the hour drive. So I guess I just rationalized things differently than Dean did. I have gotten to the point that I am being really selfish lately, but I think going 10 hours away right now with my health being so unstable most of the time would be a bad idea. I would have loved to be sitting on the beach this week with Dean’s family but who knows if by the time we got there if I’d feel up to much of anything.

My biggest concern about being so far away from my family is that the baby wont know my family very well but maybe by the time our child is older we will be more financially able to visit or even move a little closer so it’s not such a long trip to visit. But I think there is way too much here to leave that at this point we would probably be miserable leaving here too, then we would be sitting in Baltimore wishing we were back here. But I honestly have gotten over this and I suprised myself that I didnt let it get to me more with so much going on back home that I am missing out on right now. I guess I just have forgiven myself for chosing to come here when there was so much I left behind in Baltimore, but I know that this is where we need to be, at least for right now. Kiddo wont know the difference for a few years anyway, and he will have grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles here so it wont be like he wont have any family. But deep down I would love to be home and being able to take the baby to visit all of our relatives, but at least I have an excuse to want to go visit now! Sometimes it gets to big such a big deal when we go to visit that it makes us almost not want to go but I think with the baby it will be nice because everyone will give the baby attention instead of focusing on us so much. Well that is how I feel about moving back, maybe in a few years, but I guess by then I will care even less, well maybe. My thought is maybe if I dont go back to work full time, I could drive home more often and visit my family, well I guess I could still go visit more often and take the time off of work. I am already trying to figure out how soon after I have the baby that I can make the trip, but then I have to think about how much more difficult it will be to make the trip because I have to lug all the baby stuff and stop to change diapers all of the time. We’ll see……..

I had a really rough day today and I almost fell asleep driving home again. Then I get to our friends house where we are dog/house sitting and see that the garage door is open and that the dog is clearly not in her cage as she is jumping and barking at me from the kitchen window. So at first I thought, okay they came home early. Then I walk into the house to find Dean’s lunch still sitting on the counter where I’d nicely packed and left it for him to take. So I got panicked, okay, is Dean okay because surely something must have happened to him this morning after I left. But his car isnt there so he definitely isnt home and neither are our friends. So I got really upset, got a terrible case of the what ifs and searched the house to make sure there were no doggie suprises or strangers lurking for me. But all was well, except by now my horrible day had just been too much and I called Dean and got all upset with him but I think it was more that I just cant deal with working, being pregnant and tending to much else.

So now I sit here being mad at myself for getting Dean upset at me but I think that sometimes pregnant women should just be given a break every now and then when they get all teary eyed and panicked. I mean if I wasnt having such trouble walking because Kiddo is putting so much pressure on my back that every step aches and if I didnt have to do fifty billion things before our friends get home like clean up and pack up our junk and not to mention worry about how I managed to screw up the check book , again, well aside from all that, welll I think I would have had a decent day. But it didnt end up that way so now I sit here all upset and completely exhausted just prolonging the zillion things I must get done in the few short hours of energy I have left in me.

I told Dean I may call in sick to work tomorrow but then that would just make me more miserable because then I would just lay around all day and be alone until Dean gets home from rehearsal around 11 pm or so. But I cant imagine walking around with this constant back pain and with my sugars going up and down so often I have to check my sugar at least 6 times a day that I could get much quality work done.

Okay enough whining…..yeah, did I mention my feet are starting to swell like 2 xs their normal size lately, argh, and it’s not even like it’s hot and humid out, must just be the extra weight I am toting around.

In other news, a girl in the office next to ours at work is due at the end of the month, and just found out her baby weighs 9 lbs! And she has 3 weeks til her due date, and they just diagnosed her with gestational diabetes, and this is the girl who was giving me hope because she had diabetes in her first pregnancy but not this one, well until she found out last week. So so much for that theory, that you wont always have it when you get pregnant again. They havent decided whether to induce her early or to do a c section but I cant imagine carrying a baby that big and being at work , even if she only works 3 days a week. So as they talked about this at work today they all joked and starting making guesses at how big Kiddo will be and I said if they ever tell me my baby is that big I will demand they take him out right away. I have no desire to challenge my body to have a natural childbirth especially with a baby that big, okay maybe I am being selfish, but the last few months have been strenuous as is, no need to top it off with having a whopper of a kid and boasting that you delivered vaginally. Give me the drugs and the easiest route possible, if there is an easy one…..

Well, it’s been a fairly busy weekend, or so it seemed. Friday night we spent downtown working on setting up lights for Dean’s upcoming show. Then Saturday morning we were lazy and slept in. Then we headed back to the theater to work on the remaining set items that needed to be taken care of. We topped off the evening with a great dinner at Macaroni Grill, my absolute favorite place to eat. Then what did we do? Actually I dont recall. Maybe Kiddo remembers? No such luck, who knows, I’ll have to ask Dean.

Sunday was the same as usual, church and then we went to a cook out with our small group. And then we had to stop by our friends house to pick up keys so we can house/dog sit for them this week. I hate dogs really I do. I dont know what they expect from me and they stink. Not to mention they lick way too often. Okay I love petting cute little dogs but still for the most part I am not a big dog fan. So this is a bit much for me. I dont mind it too much seeing as we will be getting paid. Plus their house is so nice and huge. Not to mention they have a great entertainment center set up. Last night Dean and watched DVDs, ate chinese food, and later popcorn. Then we relaxed in their huge bathtub. It was quite a relaxing night. So if I dont post much this week it is because I am not around our puter but I guess I could use theirs….. Stacey graduated today. I hated not being able to be there for her. We used to be so close now things are so different. I miss the way things were, but I am so proud of her, seeing as she has made it so far by herself. Congrats!! I may never graduate and experience the things Stacey has but I am glad that she understands that I chose to make these decisions and thinks no less of me for having a family now instead of finishing up school, although I know at times even I could kick myself for my decisions.

Well it looks to be a fairly boring week folks, especially since Kiddo is draining me of all of my reserves. I have been feeling bad these last few day as is and its not helping that the new meds I started for my sugar are throwing me through a loop. Today I got so scared because I started shaking really badly, apparently my sugar dropped to quickly and I had to eat something even though I didnt even feel hungry. So it goes from too high one minute to too low the next. I will never understand this stuff. I just will be glad when things get back to normal with my body, at least as normal as can be expceted after having a baby. This is almost week 31 for me. Scary stuff, getting down to single digit weeks left, and next week is our first ultrasound of the many weekly ones to come. I am looking forward to it just to see if we are really having a Caleb or a Brynn but then again I am scared that something might be wrong with all these recent complications. OH well, we can only pray and be patient.