Sometimes it’s so nice to just talk about things instead of letting them settle down deeper in your hurt where you’ve buried them for so long. It’s been a tough evening, the day itself was great though. Of course we started it off with church, and suprisingly I feel so at home at Dean’s old church. I’d even say I have people I’d call friends there already. Caleb cooed and smiled all through the service I had to keep from laughing and crying with joy at how blessed I am. People always ask us if he is always so happy and good, and mostly he is, except for when he gets the hiccups.
Dean & I came home to enjoy a nice lunch, which he prepared all by himself, and it was yummy. We sat and watched as the war unfolded in Afghanistan. I cried as Dean held me as we talked about the possibilities of what going to war would mean and how it would affect not only the world around us and the our sons future world. Yesterday Dean made the comment that Caleb would never know the world that we lived in before Sept. 11, that is a scary yet very realistic truth. Then we all settled in for a nap, but Caleb decided he and Daddy would just bond while mommy got some much needed sleep.
I awoke to find out my parents had come home only to learn they were leaving again, so we’d get the house to ourselves again. So Dean went out to do something for my dad while I mixed up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We sat around watching tv and playing with Caleb. Dean decided to call his parents while we had the time. Stacey came over to visit while I baked and Dean talked to his parents. Shortly afterward my parents got home ,and this is where it gets rough. My step dad told Dean to get off the phone and since Dean was already upset because he was missing home he told his mom good bye and started to tell my step dad how he felt about him being so disrespectful of us. I got Dean to go to our room and quiet down and my step dad stormed out of the house.
Over the years I had gotten used to my step dads rudeness and attitude and I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut and ignore him. Dean feels that he shouldnt have to put up with it seeing as we are all adults, even though we get treated like we are kids by my stepdad. So in the whole mess Dean had said we would move out and that set me off cause right now we have no where to move to or the money to do so, at least not for another week. So seeing as Stacey was witness to the whole argument we gathered ourselves and the baby and headed to her house to think things out. We sat and talked about things and calmed down, well all of us except Caleb , in the rush we’d forgotten his pacifier and burp rags so he had spit up all over himself and me and was quite upset about it so we called my mom and told her we were on our way back, and luckily my step dad hadnt returned yet.
So for the first time ever I actually talked to my mom about some of the feelings I had kept in about my step dad and I learned a lot about my mom and realized she knew a lot more than I ever gave her credit for, I guess even though you realize how bad things are in a relationship you can still be naive to put up with it, I always figured she just didnt realize how bad things were. But what it comes down to is that she’s been trying to deal with things and even through years of counseling she knows my step dad has problems, and the one that we have to deal with on a daily basis is his childish selfish attitude that when coupled with his overbearing temper becomes quite an obstacle.
Now those of you who have been reading my blogs for a while may now realize that I come from a very dysfunctional family. At times I am very embarassed about this and other times I think I am very lucky for turning out as good as I did. I mean I know I more than likely have a lot of unresolved issues, lots of which I had to face tonight when discussing how I feel about my parents and our relationship with Dean. And I came to realize that for years I have just helped my family push things under the rug. We’d go and be good Christians at church and they’d even testify how things had changed and were going great at home, but heck anyone close to us knew the truth. It’s been almost 5 years since I moved out and moved in with Stacey because things were getting so bad, I ended up going back home eventually but shortly after that I moved to Ohio with Dean. We moved in a few weeks ago and things started out good then the truth slowly crept up on us. Some people can talk the talk but just dont walk the walk. My step dad is one of those people. He’ll be the first to condemn you for watching trash on tv or a movie. He’ll be the first to yell if you dont wash the dinner dishes before you’ve even finished your meal. He’s one of those people that always stands up to testify in church about how God is so good and how he is changing his life. He always tells other people they need to get right with God and how the things they do are wrong. Yet he never looks inside at himself and sees all the sin dwelling there. He never realizes that yes verbal abuse is just as bad as physical. He will never realize that pride is one of the biggest sins. He will never know how truly ignorant he is. And today Dean stepped up to the plate to help him realize that he truly does not care about other people. My step dad always talks about how important it is to touch lives and help people but he never once really has cared for or even attempted to touch the lives of those close to him, yet despite that we all stick by him and put up with him. We even are stupid enough to care about him in return for nothing but pain. Ironic thing is, I do the same thing with my real dad. Now my dad isnt a hypocrit, he admits the sins he commits and wouldnt step foot in church unless he was sincere. But point is, even when he hurts me I love him in return.
I dont claim to be a goody goody christian, and more often than not I will admit that I am lacking spiritualy and I’ll be the first to admit I need God’s help on a daily basis. I dont claim to be a saint and I will never act like I am. But the one thing I will do without fail is to love others unconditionally. Days like today make me wish I wasnt so naive. No matter how hurt I get or how angry I can be at someone, I always end up caring for them so much that I end up being the one apologizing even when I did nothing wrong. I only hope that is the reason why my dad is coming around and changing his ways. But in the back of my mind I keep wondering when he is going to hurt me again and I know even if he does I will still love him. I cant help but wonder if I have terrible issues with the males in my life, I mean how stupid can I be to put up with men who treat me so badly yet give them nothing but love and care in return?
Which reminds me of how I got Dean in the first place, which is a whole different story but point is, when Dean and I were dating when we were younger we got together and broke up more than a few times. Each time, and despite how rude Dean was to me at the time, I continued to care for him and had hope that in the future he would wise up and we’d be happy together. I remember being on the phone with him once, I know I was in high school at the time, either sophomore or junior year, we werent even dating at the time. We were talking, and it was one of those calls where we hadnt talked in a while and I had thought I better check up and see how he was doing so I did and of course he was his usual self, he’d be rude and act like he didnt care about me or our friendship. Sometime during the conversation I got upset and finally had the nerve to tell him how I felt, and I told him I loved him. Sure I dated a lot of guys before and after that call but I distinctly remember knowing that when I told him that I loved him I meant it. I was so upset that he didnt care even after I told him. I put my heart on the line, but what did I do, I let him go, I kept loving him and waiting for him to see the error of his ways. And finally, he did. But the important thing I learned was that sometimes the easiest way to someones heart is by letting go. So despite how Dean felt I held on to the good times we had and the look he woudl get in his eyes every time we were together. he’d even tell you that everytime we’d see each other he’d want to be with me but he sure didnt act like it sometimes. I guess the point is, with Dean, my unconditional love ended up being returned, it took awhile but in the end it was worth the wait. Seems the same thing may happen with my real dad. For years I have tried to be the good daughter and despite his continual failures as a father I have loved him. And lately I have seen that loved being returned, he may not know how to tell me or show me in the ways a normal father daughter relationship should be, the very fact that he is calling and talkign to me lets me knows he cares. But after years of trying to love my step dad despite the hurt and anger that is still there, things have not changed. The sad part is my real father isnt a christian yet he understands how to respect others and treat them as equals, yet my step dad, you know the goody goody christian, he cant even pretend to care about Dean and I.
yes, I know, I probably need a good therapist, but heck that’s what I’ve got you for right? No really, I probably should sit down with someone and talk these things out but it’s just easier to write it out and get it off my chest, if I talk to someone about it I’ll have to hear the truth about what I should do next, and I’m happy to keep pushing things under the rug, I think today though I did a little much needed vacuuming and I hope that being back here(in Baltimore) I can deal with the rest of the dust bunnies hiding under there…..
ah! I just remembered something Stacey said the other day….in high school we had a huge falling out with one of my friends. At the time I chose to keep Stacey as my friend and lose the other friend due to differences in opinion. I mentioned something about visiting with that old friends parents at my old church and Stacey said she’d understand if I wanted to be friends with that friend again. The ironic thing is, there was a fight between stacey and my other friend. I stayed friends with the other friend first but after a while I felt so guilty about hurting Stacey that I tried to get her back in my life, and my other friend thought that was a dumb idea and didnt know how I could even forgive Stacey for the things that had happened. Just another example of how I care for others. I may hurt someone by my words or actions but I end up caring too much for them to let the pain continue, I always try to go back and mend things.
A little over a year ago I tried to locate that other friend, I was in so much pain over the pain I had caused her that I just coudlnt deal with it anymore so I called her and sent her letters but to no avail. She just couldnt get over the situation. what makes one person able to forgive yet others incapable of any understanding or forgiveness?
As I write this I wonder if I am naive, but it cant be possible to care too much about others can it? I try so hard not to hurt other people and I always worry about others feelings, even strangers sometimes. yet all around me there are people who just dont care. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother……
