Wisdom from my walk

I started working on Dec 19th. Since then I have left early 2 times and called out two times!! Nice track record huh? One day well I think it was even my first week, I left early because the babysitter had to take her grandson to the er for his 104 degree temp. Then this past Monday we were carless so Dean and I both stayed home with the baby. Yesterday I left work at noon so I could take Caleb to the dr. He is really sick. He was sleeping through the night really well then he started not to and woke coughing. And he was burning up, it was hard to take his temp but he was obviously fevered. So I took him to the dr yesterday, she said it is acute RSV,which is a respitory infection in babies. She didnt give him any medicine just said to nurse him through it. So he seemed to better last evening so I thought I’d be fine to work today but then around 2 am he decided he was miserable and stayed up most of the night. He was either coughing or struggling to breath all night. This morning I took Dean to work and came home to a crying baby!! (by the way my brother in law is currently living with us so he has been babysitting) I figured if Caleb was fussy all night with us that Darren would have no chance for peace with him today. But he’s been okay, I dont doubt he has separation anxiety and that is making this week harder on him when I do go to work. I gave him a bath this morning, he loves the bathtub. And he always sleeps almost immediately after getting all lotioned up and in a diaper, sometimes he is asleep before I can dress him. So I knew that was a sure way to help clear his chest, with the hot water and the soothing vapor bath stuff. And it was a sure way to get him back to sleep, and it worked, he slept of and on for about 1 hr and a half. Since then he’s been fussy off and on but mostly okay. He’s clingy and keeps sweating and burning up even with tylenol, but at least today I have gotten him to eat. Hopefully , well kind of with hope, I will be back at work tomorrow. I want to go so I have money then again I’d rather be home with Caleb, especially knowing and seeing how much he needs me. Well he is calling me…..

Its been busy since the holidays, good and bad things have happened. I sought medical help for my anxiety, or somewhat, it seems to be helping. Things would be a lot better if I wasnt working and was at home with my son, but then we’d be poor. Today I almost quit my job. This Sunday my car broke down, the only one left that was working. So now we are carless. The babysitter fell down the stairs, I was already struggling with leaving him there so I was happy to stay home with Caleb on Monday, despite my co-workers anger. I forced myself to work today , mostly so we can afford to fix my car. Luckily my brother in law arrived from Ohio last night so today he babysat while I borrowed his car to take Dean and myself to work. The house is coming together nicely. We’ve spent a lot of time with my family lately which makes me feel great about being back in Baltimore. But other bad things going on include Caleb being sick. He was rejecting his bottle today and doesnt play as much. He’s also had a lot more messy diapers. I am hoping it is just teething as the flu going around sent another baby his age to the er to get an iv!! I would hate that. So sorry I havent posted but working is so draining , especially when you must get up to tend to baby at night (he usually sleeps all night, a good 8-10 hours, but since he’s been sick he’s not sleeping as well) and getting up early enough to get myself and baby ready and to drop Dean off at the train station to commute to D.C. By the time I get in the car to drive home at the end of the day I have to fight to stay awake. Which is harder when I have to go get baby, then go pick up Dean not to mention never leaving time for grocery shopping or dinner prep. So I’d much rather be at home and am considering starting my own daycare as I love kids and am good at watching them. Plus our house is big enough for it, and we now have tons of toys. So at least til we can afford to settle on the house and get the car fixed and maybe a new one, well til then I am holding on to my job. They love me at work and it is good for my self esteem, mostly, but worrying about baby all day has been draining the last few days. So forgive me for not posting,I’ll try harder in the next week. I hope I can keep up….

I think I am having a nervous breakdown, or some strange reaction to the birth control. My emotions are going crazy, so badly that I went from having such a great day yesterday to being in tears and yelling at Dean. I was mad at him for not helping meanwhile he had made dinner and bathed and fed the baby. I was a mess. I had him call and make me a drs appt for Monday so he can go with me. I think this may be time for me to say I have always dealt with depression and was suprised when things kind of got normal after the baby. But now it seems I am going back to how I used to be, those pregnancy hormones are gone and now the birth control is messing with my body and mind. Not to mention all of the changes around here. At this rate dean will be kicking me to the curb if I dont do something. We have been doing fine lately but yesterday was the breaking point for me,I was even about to call work and say I didnt want the job today because I couldnt handle it, but like Dean had said I needed to go. And I did and now I feel better, for now. We had half a day of work then a Christmas party where I drank more than I should have but I didnt want to be there anyway so I had to do something to make me less tense. Then I came home and cleaned house some and prepared tomorrows lunches, since Caleb and the babysitter were apparently not around. So I finally just called and they are there now so my time of peace and quiet is gone to be replaced with the normal chaos the evening. Pick up Caleb, pick up Dean, run to get baby products, come home make dinner, bath and feed Caleb, pick up Deans brother from the airport…did I mention the inlaws will be here tomorrow!! Argh! Where’s the paxil!!

I just awoke from a very satisfying cat nap. Afterall it was quite well deserved as today was my first day of work in 5 months! Last Friday I had another job interview, I went for the interview and got hired on the spot! They wanted me to start as soon as possible, but I told them I had other obligations until today so today it was. I got up around 6:30 am to get ready then finished feeding Caleb while Dean got ready for work and off we went. I took Dean with me, making him take a later train to work, to drop off Caleb. It’s a good thing I did I was a mess. I didnt cry until after I left his aunts house, as I got to the bottom of the stairs I started bawling. It was horrible. I was so tempted to bolt back up the stairs and call and say I didnt want the job, all while holding my son but I didnt.

All day long I fought the urge to call to check on the baby, until around 2 or so. He was fine, being the perfect angel he is. I missed him so much, when I finally went to pick him up, about 5:10, I was so happy to see him. Although he wouldnt look at me for a while even when I was holding him, its like he was holding a grudge against me. But once we got home he perked up some, no doubt because he loves his daddy so much. Nevertheless I got smiles and coos too!!

My job. I now work in a urologist office, I am a medical secretary. I make almost $2.00 more than I did in Ohio, which will be so nice on our budget, or the lack thereof. I really liked my first day, despite having to miss the baby so much. I felt so independent, and I impressed the pants off of everyone in the office. Around 9 or so this morning I did something, dont remember what but the boss said I am already glad I hired her. Near the end of the day a co worker said things were just going to work out nicely(due to my competent computer skills.) All in my first day I answered phones, checked in customers, mailed out documents to patients, filed over 50 medical documents, filed and prepared over 25 patient charts, updated some old documents like their time cards and fax cover sheets and replaced them with much nicer ones( apparently no one knows how to use microsoft word very well, but I will make sure that changes too),I went to one of our other offices to work for a bit, and did tons of little things. I told my boss that it felt like I had never stopped working, I just fell right into the swing of things there, and the funny thing is its a completely different kind of office than I am used to yet I did so much on my first day. Needless to say my boss was very pleased with me and I think I my skills shocked some of my co workers as well. Suprisingly, especially to me, I was very confident of my skills and even volunteered them when I realized there were things that needed done that apparently no one had time to do.

In other news, we are moved in, and about 20 % of the rooms are painted. We were going to paint tonight but I was too tired and so was Dean so we are going to wait til Saturday since we are going to have a lot of extra hands around. So if I am lucky I wont have to do much but take care of my son, by then I think I will need to spend time with him, more for myself than for him!!!

A big problem with working, day care. Currently Deans aunt is watchign Caleb but she will be unavailable soon due to surgery. So yesterday I called a ton of places, day care centers and home day cares, the worst thing was price; ranging from $120 – $175!!! I mine as well not work, almost anyway. Then the problem becomes age, not a lot of places cater to infants. then I get informed about waiting lists, some places had a year waiting lists, what about those of us who didnt plan to go back to work but do and need help NOW!! So we are meeting with a lady Friday night about watchign him, she does home daycare, has 4 children, 2 of which are part time and charges $120 a week. So if we are lucky we’ll like her. If not Dean and I will be looking on Monday, since we are both off!! Wohooo!! Gotta love paid holidays!!

Ah, the working woman, as if a mothers job is never done, it seems now it is 100 times worse when you are a working mom, all you single moms out there deserve a hug and huge pat on the back, dont know what I’d do without my husbands support. Love you honey!!!

We are working on a web cam, will let you know how to get to it when Dean gets it up and running.

A friend from church had a moving truck he was going to let us use, and was going to help us move stuff this evening. We talked to him yesterday and he told me to call his wife around 4 to get the details and times together. At 4:10 I called, no answer. i called around 5 and left a message. Stacey called and needed to know what was going on, she had her brother and his friends to help. She called back and said they’d be here shortly and we’d decide what to do. Finally got through to Julie about the truck about 6:15, Chris just needed directions. Right now there are 7 guys to move our stuff! I had started to think around 6 that we wouldnt be moving tonight. Now I am sitting around waiting to go to the new house since I dont need to move a single thing myself! God sure does take good care of us, I cant wait to see what else happens this week.

I hate to ask this, but I know that there are a lot of women more in the know out there than me, how soon after starting birth control is it effective? Like I said before this is my first time ever taking it, suprising at my age I am sure, and I still started it reluctantly. But if it prevents furthere cysts than I am all for it. I am not ready for that pain again.

Looks like we are packing up and moving for good tonight. Not only has my step dad made remarks about us leaving but now so is my mom. She has suprised me, but I think they are both being quite selfish, and that doesnt suprise me. last night I told my step dad that he just doesnt realize how hard it is for 2 people and a baby to move it all by themselves. Not to mention clean, paint, fix holes, and fix plumbing. So looks like we are moving in even though the kitchen sink isnt usable, but I dont think my parents care. Last night as I was asking Dean what we were going to do tonight my step dad, from the other room, he must have been eavesdropping, said moving out. Thats when I yelled at him. We would have moved out last night but I dont think i could have been much help to Dean movign out the bed and big stuff. So tonight we will have help and a moving truck.