Wisdom from my walk

I talked to my boss this morning, told her I had a babysitter for Wednesday and Friday of this week and that I wasnt sure about next week yet. She said that Friday will be my last day then. So she is firing me kind of, but she said she wants me to write up a letter of resignation saying why I can no longer work there so I guess its kind of her letting me go early instead of with two weeks notice. So I will at least be leaving on good terms and she told me to call her when I am looking for a job again. She told me I have a lot of potential and that she was really looking forward to working with me for a long time but that she understands how hard it can be when you are young new parents. So as of Friday I am unemployed again, I will once again be Amy: mother, wife, maid and cook. Not quite sure how to handle this blow but I know I will be okay. And already this morning I have delved back into that role as I took my husband to the train station, fed the baby, changed the baby, made a batch of oatmeal cookies, and had time to write this. I will be fine, and if anything my marriage will be better off without so many difficulties to face each day. Until of course we run out of money……

Dean’s brother, the one who was Caleb sitting went to Ohio last week and came back yesterday. Today Dean’s parents were leaving to go back to Ohio and took my brother in law with them. I was the only one working today, albeit a half day, but I was the only one out of the mix of knowing this was going on. So since my brother was coming to visit today when I got home from work I kept calling Dean to make sure the house was staying clean enough and I happened to ask who was home and he told me and when I asked where his brother was he told me he went to Ohio!! I was very upset seeing as we were already on our back up babysitter plan as is. So I was upsest and talked to a girl at work, okay she is old enough to be my mom, but I dont know how to refer to her other than as coworker. She and I get along very well and often share a lot of communication and family , life, and religion during the day so I knew I could turn to her for guidance. Unfortunately all she could offer was do what you have to and reminded me how she didnt work until her kids were in middle school and then only because she felt she had to. So right before I was scheduled to leave I went in to talk with my boss and told her the situation. I was waiting for a call back from the girl who watched him last week but I already knew she’d said she could only do 2-3 mornings a week which doesnt help when I am scheduled 8-1:00 everyday. I was hoping to get her to watch him tomorrow but looks like she cant, but can Wed. and Fri. So tomorrow I think I will be giving my two weeks notice. All because I cant find daycare. We have tried to find someone but no one is available or Caleb has to be 2 to be in certain daycares. There arent even any at home moms available to watch him. So my boss basically told me she was finding someone to replace my hours but that she’d try to keep me on the schedule even if its just to come in every now and then to do filing because she’d rather not lose me. But that she cant keep relying on me and that I need to make a decision whether I truly want to keep working or not. And on that issue I am still torn. I like getting out a few hours a day and doing something I am good at. It’s good for me, but then again when I come home and see all the new things Caleb is doing, even in the few hours I am gone every week, it’s hard. That and we have no one reliable to watch him on a daily basis.

The bigger issue for me today was that there was a family meeting about my brother in law leaving again and it was decided he would go back to Ohio but no one even cared to worry about finding a replacement babysitter for him when he did. It was just all matter of fact when I was told that he was gone and he doesnt know when he’ll be back and to that I must say I dont know if he’s even welcome to come back in that case. We’ve had nothing but trouble with him, and I am trying very had to be tolerant, especially since he has been so helpful around the house and with the baby but I can afford to keep supporting someone else especially when I am having to quit my job because of that person’s irresponsibility. Theres a lot more going on with this situation and as most things are, too detailed to explain but point is, a major decision was made today by my husband and his family and due to that decision I am now forced to decide what to do about my job. A job I like and a job I need.

I am going to pray very hard for the strength and courage to talk with my boss and not cry tomorrow and I know she will be supportive as she has been but the fact is I am not ready to make another major change in my life especially after deciding to delve back into the work force which took great effort and thought on my part. I fought tooth and nail to make myself do it and when I did I struggled even then. Then things were going smoothly then we were having to switch to having my brother in law watch Caleb which was hard for me since he has no child care experience, but he was here and available. And Calebs such a good baby I knew he’d be able to handle him, unless of course he is still hungover and getting home at 6 in the morning that day, which was a main problem we were having. So things went well then not so well then very badly and then I cut my hours which seemed to help everyone but now things are a lot worse and now we have no childcare. So even though it seemed when I got the job that it was truly heavensent, things just worked out so well that I thought for sure it was an answer to my prayer to whether or not I should return to working. So I did it. Now as I deal with having doubts about working I lose my child care provider and find out I have to have surgery in a month and be out of work for 10 days then. So some are saying that should be my sign that I should not work anymore but I know that we shouldnt need signs, we should know what we are to do, I mean arent we supposed to be able to hear God talking and not always through what seem to be disasters in our life?

Tough times call for tough measures…..but right now I am not sure if I can step off the plate and do what needs done. I mean I hit the bat and got this far even ran to first base and got there just in time. Along the way I had to avoid getting tagged yet as I slid into base I knew I was doing things just right. Then I think I can steal a base and tag, you’re out!! Guess I can always do better next time up to bat…..but what if I never get the chance to be in the starting line up now……what if ………………it’s a game I’ll never win, but I will always try to do my best.

Dean’s parents are visiting but we will have little time with them, there’s so much going on this week. Seems like something is always going on in our household. Today I actually feel satisfied at my week. Looking back, for me at least, it was much less stressfull than prior weeks. Then again that’s probably because whatever came our way this week was sent to Dean’s direction so he had to deal with it all. I usually get stuck with facing things but I had a break this week. Except for the fact I washed a $300 money order that we received from someone anonymous and now we are out the money and so are the senders!!( since we dont know who it was.) Come on though, if you accidently wash a regular check it holds up, mostly. But the money order looks like a washed tissue or paper cloth. It’s very sad. I have tried not to think about it, I put the blame on Dean for leaving it in his pants pocket but he blames me for not checking pockets. But come on, being a busy mom he’s lucky I even had time to wash the darn pants so expecting me to have time to empty his pants pockets is asking a bit much.

The new babysitter was great this week. She wont know til tomorrow if she can watch him everyday (well everyday for half a day), and we arent sure if my brother in law will be back on Monday so I am a little worried but not much. I am content with the thought I may have to stay home with Caleb, although we really need the money but we’ll get by. Like always.

Caleb has mastered, mind you at a mere 6 months old, pulling himself up on the side of his playpen or crib and standing there laughing at us. He knows he is a handful!! And a ham. He loves the camera, we’ll have to get some recent pics up soon. He’s also learned to say “Hi!” The dr couldnt believe it, but he actually says it. Plain as day. It’s adorable.

Hope this weekend turns out better than my sad Valentines Day. I was dressed to go to dinner but we never made it because we were waiting on Dean’s parents since we hadnt seen them since they got in town so I ended up cooking and going to Walmart for baby products. how very romantic!! Yeah uh-huh. Sure. There’s always next year. But like Dean said, at least we were together and we have Caleb which makes everyday worthwhile!!

I stayed home from work today, again. I had a rough time sleeping the last few nights, no doubt stress related. I went to the dr last week, found out I need to have surgery, a laproscopy to be exact. It is supposed to be outpatient but I will be put to sleep so for me that is still considered major. They think I have endometritis or just scar tissue from my c-section which is causing excrutiating back and abdominal pains to the extent it hurts to walk. At any rate, its all due to the c-section and I am not at all thrilled about that. I was hoping they’d tell me I was pregnant, and I told the dr that and he said he wishes he could tell me I was because it wouldnt be so hard to deal with. Gee thanks!

So I told my boss today about it, she was out last week when I found out. So this was not good, especially seeing as I called out of work today for issues I’d rather not discuss here. Lets just say the childcare thing isnt working out. But on a good note I met with a girl about watching Caleb and she is going to watch him this Wed- Friday and pending another possible nanny position she may watch him all of the time. She’s really nice and her mom works with my mom so my mom trusts her which is already a good sign. Caleb enjoyed playing with her today. So hopefully that will pan out, but pending how my boss takes me taking off so much it might not matter much.

In other news Dean and I were talking about last Valentines day and well we cant remember what we did. I was saying today that for the last year all I can say about certain events is that I know I was pregnant then. How horrible yet how sweet. I remember events more because I spent them cowered over a toilet with morning sickness than I do because of the sheer joy of the occasion. Poor me!! Does that make sense? I told him it must not have been to great if neither one of us can remember it. Hope this year is better.

Stacey got a new job! Way to go girl!! And on top of that she should be moving in to her nice newly painted bedroom in our house within the next month! I dont know what I would do if she wasnt around. Despite the differences in our lifestyles we can still talk and have a good time together. I am so glad we have stuck together through the years and I cant wait to be able to play with her little boy one day, but I think I might have to wait a while!! Seeing as she needs a man first, but she has plenty of time, no pressure Stace!!!

Things are on an upswing for us lately , and I probably shouldnt mention it becuase you know what happens when you notice how nicely things are going, but its been more a little trial mixed with some blessings so its been more evened out than it had been, there for a while it was just test and tribulation. Makes ya appreciate the blessings much more that way though.

I have really been meaning to write, but we’ve been having trouble with our internet dial up, thank goodness we are going to dsl shortly. Lots has happened since I last wrote, mostly I am working 8:30a.m. – 1 pm everyday which has been nice. I still need to find daycare though, Dean’s brother is still filling that void but he is going out of town next week and we dont have a back up plan!!! ARGH! But I am seriously thinking about staying at home full time so I am not sure how hard I want to look for daycare.

My car had been broken down for a long time , but then a couple at church said they wanted to have their mechanic fix it at their expense!! I was in tears!! So at the end of last week I had my car back in working condition thanks to their generosity. Dean’s been home sick the last two days and yesterday he called me at work to tell me we received a $300 money order in the mail. I asked from who, and through his crying what I got was that the envelope was typed with our address and the return address was also ours. He said it had a Baltimore post mark so that ruled out it coming from his parents. My only thought is that it is from someone at church. We have definitely been blessed and are very grateful to the angels watching over us!!!

Friends of ours had a baby today, hello Madison!! She enters the world at a small 7 lbs 1 oz, 19 inches. Everyone thought she’d be a lot bigger but they said Caleb would be too, he was only 8 oz. bigger than her. I cant imagine him being that small. Especially now that we are coming up on his 6 month birthday. I am disappointed that Caleb still hasnt cut his first tooth, he’s been teething or so we thought forever. He is always drooling a river and chewing on everything. He doesnt have teeth, but he has almost mastered pulling himself up from a sitting position, it’s scary. he’s way too little to be so mobile and it’s so hard to get a minutes break now that he is mastering more and more each day. He is constantly “talking” to us and always amazes passersby when they find out he is only not even 6 month yet!!!

I have been enjoying my afternoons off, mainly because I come home and nap with Caleb , I am constantly tired and it helps to get ahead on housework. I am only hoping that I can catch up on sleep and have enough energy to start coming home and doing things other than napping.

Busy busy busy. Had a meeting with my boss this week, I am going to cut back my hours at work so I can see my son occasionally and not be soo tired all of the time. She said she’d settle for me working 4 hours a week than losing me completely as this is a temporary thing as Caleb wont be 5 months forever! I was thrilled, the whole meeting went so much better than I expected. And now I am being trained to do nursing things, I am doing urine testing and taking blood pressures as well as rooming patients. It is very exciting and worth working for the oppurtunities they are giving me.

I got a call from my mom last night, my brothers father in law passed away last night, i was so upset and talked to mom for a little while all while Dean yelled at me to get off the phone to tell him what was going on. I got off the phone and fell to peices. The worst thing about it is Amy(my brothers wife)’s sister is about 6 months pregnant and has had some problems so I am so afraid how this will affect the rest of her pregnancy. Not to mention their family was so close to begin with. All day long I kept thinking how blessed I am and that I dont know what Caleb would do if he lost one of us, and the thought is terrifying. Mind you Amy is an adult, but my 1 year old nephew saw his granddad collapse!(or so that is my moms understanding of things) And I am so worried about that little guy, I cant wait to go give him a big hug and lots of kisses this weekend. I love my brother dearly and I know he’s never had to deal with anything like this before so I am not sure how he will cope and I just hope I can be comforting to them but I cant even think of the words to begin to say anything to them. So hopefully this weekend my mom and I will be spending with them and helping take care of my nephew. Our world has been topsy turvy since we moved here and this just is another thing to add to the list. Hopefully things settle down soon…..

Today I turn 23!! I awoke in a very groggy state, apparently the night time cold medicine had not yet worn off. I was running behind schedule, I usually am up around 6:30 but it was already 7:15 and Dean was ready to walk out the door. He was running late and forget to even mention a birthday wish or anything but I didnt much remember until later this morning. I got Caleb up and ready for his morning and then I started to get ready myself, in between coughing up my left lung. I was all set to go and went looking for my car keys, or rather the keys to my brother in laws car, and I couldnt find them so I asked him and he said we had them last, and he was right, but not we but Dean. So I searched high and low and realized that Dean must have taken them with him. So I called him at work and sure enough he had the keys. So once again I called out of work, this week was going to be the first week I worked a full 40 hours, but not now. Since I am once again carless. It was kind of good though, I was as pale as a ghost this morning and am still feeling dreadful. So I am spending my birthday cleaning house and baby tending. Which is better than real work anyday.

I am seriously contemplating quiting work, I miss my son so much and every day a new obstacle arises to come in between my getting to work. Its like its a sign or something. With any luck I will get fired for calling out so much, I’ve only been there a month and have called out at least 4 times!!! They are being really good about it and they really need me there so I dont think I will get fired, but it would make my life easier if I didnt have to deal with worry about working and my son.

Tonight we are going to my moms for my birthday dinner and then Dean, Stacey, Darren and I are going out, hopefully bowling if there arent any leagues tonight. We were going to a movie but I decided that would make for a late night and we have to work tomorrow so we have been talking about going duckpin bowling so that sounded like a plan. My mom is going to babysit which she is thrilled about since she doesnt see Caleb as much now that we have our own place. Deans parents come to town tomorrow, again. They visit so often!! its great to have them coming, I am excited about it, except I have a lot to do this weekend so I dont know just how much time I will get to spend with everyone , but I know Caleb will be loving the attention!!

Happy birthday to me and Cheryl!!!!