Wisdom from my walk

Dean went back to work today, so it was my first day since surgery that I’ve been allowed to do much with Caleb. It’s been okay, except Caleb decided he didnt want to sleep last night so he kept us up most of the night so this morning I was exhausted and hurting a little. Since then he has napped some, and is napping now. I will probably catch a cat nap in a few minutes too, but I thought I’d update first.

Got news that my dad is not doing very well, he got diagnosed with diabetes in the last year and he never tells us how he is really doing, heck we’re lucky if he talks to us at all. But he called my brother, which is even rarer than him calling me! My brother said he had to fight it out of him but he told him he is having trouble not being able to feel his feet. It’s scary because one of our uncles, on my moms side of the family, died of complications from having diabetes. I know my dad has health problems and he hardly ever tells us anything until after he’s already been to the hospital, we dont have the best of relationships with him, but we do try. And I knew one day I would get the call I never want to get, that my dad is really ill, and it may be sooner than later. He’s not lived a very healthy lifestyle and he doesnt take care of himself at all. I always yell at him to go see the dr when he gets bad but # 1, he’s a man, #2 he’s very stubborn. (wonder where I get that from) He has several dr’s apptments for this week so I hope this time he tells us what is going on, I’d rather be prepared than to find out in a week or so that he’s in the hospital or was.

Dean & I had our first therapy session on Saturday, the dr talked to us separately but said eventually we will talk to her together. We arent having problems, at least not anything major, I mean of course we argue over money and stuff but it’s not bad. Since the baby my mood swings have been very bad and I am stressed and tired all of the time. So I went to my dr and she said it be best to get counseling , for me. But we found a christian counselor who said it would be best for me and my marriage to do it with Dean. Dean doesnt mind, he said he’ll do whatever it takes, plus he said he is sure he has issues that need dealt with, dont we all? So I felt really good after meeting the dr and talking for a bit, I think it will indeed help me and maybe even my marriage. They even do financial counseling there so we might do some of that too, especially now that we have a mortgage and only one income, and a kid to raise!

Aside from that, not much going on lately, just trying to recoop from surgery and get back to life as normal. We had a great few days, despite my condition. We went to the park several times to fly Dean’s kites, Caleb likes being outdoors and exploring. And Dean and I like the chance to get out of the house and do family things. I hope this lovely weather keeps up so we can continue to have weekend outings together. Well I better grab a nap while I have the chance, we are hoping Caleb’s sleepless nights will mean an emerging teeth or two, but it’s hard to say if it’s that or just all the changes in his schedule lately.

Well I think Dean got upset by my last few blogs, I didnt mean to imply he couldnt take of Caleb by himself, I just was trying to say that I know he must be having a hard time since he is sick and has to take care of all of us. He did decide to take Friday off too, the babysitter is still going to come in the morning, I told him he needs some time to rest himself since he’ll be doing baby duty for a few more days without help, unless I start feeling better. I was dumb enough to lift Caleb today, I couldnt resist. He can definitely sense something is wrong but that still doesnt help him feel comforted when he wants his mommy. But he is loving all the daddy time, today he went to the park with Dean and watched Dean fly his new kites. It was around 60 degrees today so it was a beautiful day to get out, but I just napped while they went out. And I broke into tears when Dean said Caleb loved the swing, it was his first time in a swing and I wasnt there! No its not that huge a milestone, and I glad he got a first with his daddy, but it just was hard on me, knowing they had such a good time while I sat drugged and in pain in bed. I’ve broken down and cried a few times the last few days, its not bad enough feeling bad but I hate not being there for my son or my husband , especially when they are both so sick too. I dont have much of a choice though.

I did manage to get out today though, we went to Walmart for a little bit. I dont know if that was such a good idea though, when we got back I noticed one of my incision sites looked much worse, it is now really swollen and bruised and I cant help but wonder if I had only listened to my mom and stayed in bed….but I hate doing that, plus it was SO nice out today. I hated being stuck inside even if we did have the windows open.

I feel really good right now, then again I took some medicine and fell asleep for a bit and now am wide eyed and looking at the clock to see that it is indeed bedtime and everyones in bed but me. Its nice to be feeling okay but I know that its only temporary, and its not like I can take advantage of this feeling since everyones in bed. So I thought I’d blog about how I was doing so no one would worry. My family keeps calling to check on me to make sure I am resting, and I am doing a lot of resting but like I said I cant just stay in bed. I am a neat freak and its hard to get out of bed to see toys scattered all over and dirty dishes, so I have at least tried to keep on top of the dishes, the toys are okay since I cant quite bend that well yet to pick them up, I kind of have just been kicking them off to the side of the room so no one trips over them. I was smart about freezing some meals earlier this week so we’d just have to heat things up, tonight we enjoyed a yummy lasagna!! It was so nice to not have to worry about dinner, just defrost and pop in the oven. And we didnt eat it all so we didnt even have to wash the pan, just put it back in the fridge for lunch tomorrow! And Stacey made lots of chili last night so we have leftovers of that too to eat.

Speaking of Stacey, before I forget, thanks!!! I feel like I am taking advantage of her being here, but it’s been great having her around to help out. It makes it a little easier on Dean if he can sit on the computer while we watch tv and know she can pick him up since I cant. I know she wants to help, but I cant help but feeling like we are abusing her presence, but I dont know what we would do without her these last few and next few days. I can sit and watch Caleb but if he needs something I cant much help. I’ve at least been able to enjoy feeding him his meals, as long as someone puts him in his high chair, so we do get some time together. But I cant hold him to give him a bottle or even change his diapers since he’s so squirmy. I will be so glad when this is all over, but I am sure there is something to be gained from this experience, I am just not sure what it is yet. Maybe it’s just to teach me I am not in it all alone, as it sometimes feels when you are in charge of a little one for what seems to be 24-7, when really Dean is here and does a lot to help, and so does Stacey if we ask. I guess I am just so used to doing it myself that it’s hard to accept Caleb will be fine if I cant always be there for him, which is a lesson I really needed to learn before returning to work, so maybe it’s a sign that when everything calms down I will be able to get a job and feel comfortable leaving him with someone else, but it sure is nice to be home with him and enjoying him all day. So lets not even think about that right now, we’ve being doing fine with me being home, financially that is, but it’s only been a few weeks. But some more good news we found out that our mortgage payment is going to be a lot less than what we had figured since the agent had rounded the numbers up when estimating so now that the numbers are just about set it looks like things will work out better than we thought. Well I guess I will try to get some much needed rest even if I do feel okay right now, after all I know that once I am better I wont be getting much rest, so I think I will take advantage of all this down time …..good night all!

My poor poor hubby, as if its not bad enough that he had to change my bandages and help me get up and down, but he has to be on baby duty fulltime. It’s a job I am very used to and despite the countless night wakings I ussually do okay, but poor Dean doesnt feel good himself and is having to tend to a sick wife and baby. I am not sure he’ll be able to go back to work tomorrow, he may want to though just to get out of the house. Caleb’s cold came back and sounds worse than it did, so Dean will probably have to take him to the drs today.

My mom babysat yesterday while we were at the hospital and when we got home the house was a mess, and it was so funny cause my mom is obsessive about cleaning so I told her I couldnt believe how messy it was, and I really was suprised but I could also see how exhausted she was. I knew she wasnt at all prepared to keep up with Caleb but I also knew we had no one else who could do it. I have told her how mobile he is but its a lot different when you have to watch him all day then just hear about it. And boy did she learn. She couldnt even manage to get his diaper on right because of course he wont stay still that long, but I’ve got used to putting it on backwards or whatever way I can get it, but his diaper was falling off his bottom when we got home yesterday! He sure is a handful for a baby so young, I am scared how it will get the older he gets. And I dont think Dean realized how hard it is to do either, to do it 24-7 at least. And I think he keeps forgetting I am not very mobile, cause this morning I told him I was cold all night cause he didnt cover us w/ all of our blankets and he said you could have gotten up and gotten it and I just gave him a look, and said oh really. Then it clicked, sure I could have but I probably would have fell over trying! It’s been so hard, and its not even been a full 24 hours yet, not to hold my son. Especially when I can see Dean struggling to handle him all by himself. It’s not that Dean cant take care of him, he’s just not very patient with him, especially when they are both tired but Caleb wont give in. Plus I dont think Caleb understands, he keeps trying to come to me and when he gets to close Dean grabs him away, and he gets upset. I tried to hold him last night and afterward I had to keep gasping for air cause I just wasnt ready to lift him, even if I was laying in bed doing it. But Dean had to go get a bottle and left a squirmy baby with me who just wanted to be with his mommy or climbing on her so I had to do something. I hope I start feeling better soon cause I dont know how well we are going to be doing if I cant do stuff with him soon. But it doesnt help waking up feeling like you got run over by a mack truck…..

CAUTION: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART TO READ !!

Well this morning I went in for my laproscopy. I was a lot more at peace with the idea of being in the hospital again than I thought I’d be but I am sure that having so many people praying for and with me that helped. Dean was with me before the surgery and we played a game together while we waited for me to be carted off, so that helped take the stress off too. My biggest fear of the day was the waking up from anesthesia part, and even that was better than I thought. Except just like when I had my tonsils out I woke up crying because it was kind of like waking up from a nightmare, I mean I hate drs, and waking up to a bunch of nurses around you and feeling immense pain is never a good thing to awaken to. So they gave me some good drugs that made it all better. I kept asking for Dean and at first they said I couldn’t see him because I just woke up, but I really wanted him to be there then. Then when I was more coherent and asked for him turns out he had gone to get lunch! So I had to wait a bit then made the nurses call our cell phone to tell him to come cause I needed to know he was there with me. At that point the pain had still not completely diminished.

But a little later I was doing much better and had finished off what seemed like a zillion cups of soda trying to quench a still unquenchable thirst while Dean and I played a game again. The dr came and told us what had happened during surgery, they had to take care of a medium sized cyst, not as small as most but not as big as big can get. And they removed some scar tissue from the c-section. But it wasn’t until I was about to be discharged that I realized more that had happened, and I am still not sure why, but I have 3 incisions not just one. I was told it would be a small incision by my belly button which is what I was prepared for, but the reason I was having so much pain is because I also have two other incisions closer to my scar from my c-section, I didn’t have the nerve to ask what that was about, I was more afraid to know than not to know. But I was not prepared at all to see three bandages instead of a small one. I will ask the dr more about that at my follow up appt.

So far I am doing okay today. The hardest part is knowing I can’t lift my son for a few days. Not only should I not but since I have 3 wounds instead of one it will be physically harder to hold our little squirm worm. But he did nap with me (only because Dean barricaded him w/ pillows since he loves to kick me in the stomach while he sleeps) for a little while, I made sure Dean made it so I could see his sweet little face, that made it a little easier on me. I missed him so much this morning and talked about him to any nurse available, he was my coping mechanism I guess, and my motivation to get out of the hospital quickly, and the nurses said I did a great job, but now that I am home things are getting harder.

I am a little upset with the hospital since I was only bandaged w/ bandaids and my one incision bleeds a lot more than one little band aid can cover, but I guess they thought it wouldnt be that bad, so who knows. So I had to send Dean out for some bandages or qauze, hopefully that will help. Luckily Dean is not squeamish, me I can handle blood and stuff but not as well if it is my blood! But other than that I really was impressed with the hospital staff and the hospital itself, I’ve never been to that hospital before and no one I told that I was going there had been either so I wasnt sure what to expect. After having such a bad experience of childbirth and even my tonsillectomy wasnt a great experience (I was 17 when I had that done), I am not thrilled about the thought of going to the hospital but today’s experience was a lot better than I thought. Well, I am impressed with myself for being so coherent , the drugs must be wearing off, which would explain that stabbbing pain….no seriously though, I probably wont update for a day or two, Dean is off and helping with the baby and a babysitter will be here Friday so Dean can go to work, so I am not sure if I’ll be allowed out of bed or not. Stacey came home from work and was ready to banish me to bed, but it’s not that easy to do, I didnt do it much after my c-section so I surely wont let a little outpatient surgery keep me in bed, but of course it’s nice to be waited on hand and foot too, so I may take advantage of it some, heck Dean even thought of using the baby monitor as my calling device so I can just lay in bed and have them on hand just a word, well mostly, if Caleb isnt keeping everyone preoccupied.

I feel so bad for my hubby, his birthday was yesterday but the baby and I felt miserable so it wasnt that grand a day. We had given him his present on Saturday because I am so bad at that stuff, I want to burst out and tell someone what I got them as soon as I get it. I felt so bad yesterday that I didnt even get out of bed for church, Dean went to the late service and left Caleb here. Not even 10 minutes after he left Caleb got up and he was up almost the whole time Dean was gone so I didnt even get to sleep in. I napped through the afternoon until it was time to go have dinner at my moms then we went to pick up some furniture for Stacey, she moved in our place this weekend. This morning I wasnt even able to talk to Dean before he left, I was a mess. I managed to nap some today but I cant wait to hand off Caleb when Dean gets home so I can lay down for some peace and quiet!! I hate being sick , not to mention having to think I have surgery this Wednesday!

Happy Birthday Dean!!!! I love you!

Last night we purchased this balance ball for me to work out with and Caleb enjoyed it more than any of us! He loved it! So hopefully he’ll share it with me! I did the work out with it this morning while he napped and my legs are so sore, I am sure it doesnt help I just started doing my joga stretches yesterday so I am aching, but it’s a healthy ache at least!

It’s been a mostly uneventful morning so far, and we’ve no plans for the day, except maybe a run to the grocery store, I am planning on learning how to make lasagna, the kind you make not just pop in the oven!