Wisdom from my walk

Help! I am having a tough week, emotionally and physically. Mostly headaches and dizziness, not to mention the occasional flashes of light in my eyes. My biggest problem of late is anxiety. I am not sure what is going on but the other night I awoke from sleep and was overcome w/ fear. I thought someone was in our room and was going to attack us. I tried to wake Dean, but he always just rolls over and mumbles. I closed my eyes tightly and waited and nothing happened. I eventually ventured out and found the house empty. Today I was once again overcome w/ fear when I heard noises in the basement. Not your usual house squeaks, or so I thought. I hurried and locked the basement door so no one could open it from downstairs and just in case put the baby gate in front of the locked door. Yes, I was panicking. I made sure the front door was locked and listened. I still could have sworn I heard someone, and no way was I going down there.

After putting Caleb down for a nap I went downstairs w/ Dean on the phone w/ me and found nothing. Nothing unusual. Nothing moved. Dean laughed at me. But I cant get this horrible fear to shake off. I need a shower still but that too scares me, leaving Caleb vunerable in his crib. Not sure whats going on in my head, but it’s not helping that I have a pounding headache and the room keeps spinning. Goodness, I sound just as crazy as I feel. Maybe a good shower and nap will ease my tensions. If anything take the edge off this headache. it’s been months since I’ve had headaches this bad, and in the last 3 days I’ve awoken with these killer headaches and they’ve lingered all day. maybe its the change in weather, or just the fact we dont have health insurance would be enough to spark a change in my health, I mean bad things never happen when you are prepared for them. I am due back to the dr this month for my eyes and psuedo tumor anyway, 3 month check up, I should have been already though since I’ve been feeling so bad, but that would mean footing a drs bill which we simply cant do. Too bad, just wait it out. Dean finds out if he is going to get hired on permanently at his job next week, with any luck, or really a huge miracle happening, he’ll get hired and we’ll get health insurance finally. Until then, trying to cope, and not doing so well with it…

Well today is an exact opposite of yesterday. I still awoke not wanting to get out of bed, but the feeling has yet to go away, eventhough I am up and have already left the house and been back. The sky is gray and the rain is falling. I feel like the raindrops are all the tears I am not crying. I am very down today. Partly due to weather, partly due to circumstances, mostly due to my own storms that are brewing. I would have loved to stay curled up in bed and had Dean stay and tend to the kid, but that would never happen, it’s only Thursday. I am determined not to let these feelings take over my day, but I can slowly feel it happening. The desire to crawl up on the couch and veg while Caleb plays by himself. Will probably end up doing just that, if I can force myself I might go to the mall, theres one that has a huge play area and Caleb would no doubt enjoy that more than being in this dismal place all day. but I cant say I’ve got the strength, physical or emotional to do so today. More reason to force myself to …..well the little angel calls…..

It’s amazing what a change in the weather can do to you. This morning we were up and out for a walk around 9:30 am didnt get back inside almost 11 am. We went for a walk, went for “adventures” in the snow and melting snow streams, then made our way back in. I made Caleb some grilled cheese and got him some fruit ready and took his picnic table to the deck and we enjoyed lunch outside. Some moms walked by w/ their toddlers in strollers, we chatted a bit. It’s quite lovely out, getting near 60 is what the weather casters are predicting. It was supposed to rain today but no sign of clouds out there that I can see. Just a lovely day, heavenly almost. I’m slowly running out of energy, but I can definitely feel the motivation to get out and take advantage of the weather since we may get snow again soon and chilly temps. It’s a shame. I sooo cant wait for spring to finally arrive. Looking forward to lots of time outside once it does arrive, and lots of walk to shed these extra winter pounds. It felt great to be out walking today. Caleb seemed to love to sit in his stroller and take it all in, he was kicking his feet and talking up a storm. It’s amazing that this time last year when I took him for walks he was not talking and just sat there, now he begs to get out and run around. I love my little boy even if he is trying my patience, I swear he is already starting his terrible twos! but it’s worth it to see him learning and growing with each new thing he gets into

Yesterday Caleb was a perfect angel. I was even able to go to the grocery store w/ him and get everything I needed and have no “scenes” w/ him wailing to get out of the cart. Even at home he was angelic. This was a nice turn from how he’s been the last week. Today, I had to go to Sams club for diapers and prayed on the way that today would be as good as yesterday. No such luck. He demanded to be held as I pushed the cart and as I paid. He fought to not get back in the carseat. Argh! We have about 30 minutes until we have to go meet friends for lunch so his little bottom is in his crib sleeping it off, I hope! Hoping that he’ll wake up in a better mood and with a not so runny nose so we can all enjoy lunch out. If not I’ll live cause tonight is the ladies night out with small group so by then I’ll be ready to get out of here by myself !

Happy Birthday baby!

What a cruel joke! I was awakened quite early by our son and knew that we had had some rain overnight so I figured I’d go check on the basement. It had been dry for about a week, but temperatures had been above freezing mostly and we’d had no rain. I was welcomed by more water everywhere and a non working sump pump. I told Dean he needed to check on it and went on to ready Caleb and I for church. Told Dean again that it was getting late and he needed to look at the basement before we left. Finally he got up and was quite frustrated that I didnt tell him there was water everywhere and headed off to home depot for a new sump pump. As if the fact that the sump pump was not working didnt imply there was water everywhere!? Anyway. We missed church, again. We didnt go last week due to flooding related problems. Week before that we had a blizzard. Today we had plans for lunch w/ our church group so I called a friend and told them we might not make church but we’d definitely make lunch. And that is what happened. Got the basement resolved, mostly in time to go save a spot for our large group at TGIFridays.

Yesterday afternoon we had a power outage for an hour or so, then started the snow. A few inches of snow later we had another power outage, which made me miss the end of the lifetime movie I was watching and Dean missed the end of W/out a Trace. Woke up to power and about 6 inches of snow. Apparently we got more snow than some places, cause my mom is 15 minutes away and only got about 3 inches.

Spent the morning relaxing, Dean worked from home a bit and then he made us tuna melts for lunch and let me shower in peace before heading off to the office. It was SO nice. I hated to see him go. Monday’s his birthday, he’s going to be 25! Last night he bought himself some computer gadget that allows him to watch tv on his puter so now not only can he avoid me to be online he can watch tv here too. It’s pretty neat though. We need another tv and joked that it would be cheaper to just buy another one of those things(yeah he’s the techie not me) and put a puter in our room so we can watch tv on it instead of the tiny tv we have in there now, since unlike most people, we have way too many computers that sit around and get unused.

We have a social weekend planned, looking forward to it a WHOLE lot. Tonight we are having friends over for dinner and to play cards. Tomorrow nigh my wonderful mommy is babysitting so Dean and I can go out, not sure what our plans our yet, something inexpensive because on Sunday we are going out to eat w/ our small group from church to celebrate March birthdays. A friend,whose birthday is Sunday, is pregnant and her baby is due on the 10th of March. We are all hoping she goes early, and she’s already dilated a bit but we all know it could still be a while. Another friend from church’s baby is due this weekend and her husbands birthday is Monday too. Lots of March birthdays to celebrate!!