Wisdom from my walk

Another 3-4 inches of snow this morning to awaken to! It sure does look pretty!! Dean bought this yummy smelling cookie candle and we burned it last night and it still smells delish in here. Yummy!! now if we just had some great tasting cookies to fill my desire! I’m more a cookie person than a cake or ice cream person. Anymore i’m not much on food at all, but I am sure I’d give any peice of chocolate a taste if I had some!! Not sure my taste buds would cooperate but I could try!

Have a great snowy weekend!!!

BLAH! that’s how I feel. Funny the way I write and say it sounds so different from the humorous way a puppet on Baby Mozart says it, BLAH! Caleb’s been watching that a lot lately, mostly cause the tv w/ dvd and vcr just happens to be in our room which ends up in me sleeping while Caleb watches something on tv. A horrible thing for a two year old I know but it’s not like he’s watching Springer and there will be brighter more exciting days, we hope. No really, I usually start our day this way so there are brighter and more exciting afternoons for him or even just later morning hours.

Had an uneventful doctors appointment, aside from how I could have made a great story out of it had I taken him up on his offer to send me downstairs to get a spinal tap today and then get sent home from the hospital shortly thereafter. Although quite a temptation for how to spend my Friday evening, I neglected to take him up on his offer and came home to a horrible evening at home. Caleb is grouchy, he’s getting a molar or whatever those big teeth in the back of your mouth are called, I just cant get words out lately, so we are hoping that’s all his problem is, that or he’s got major terrible twos happening all of the sudden. He finally collapsed in bed after a long bath and a dose of motrin, and after listening to a zillion books I read him. So he was fussy tonight. I was fussy about having got mostly bad news from the dr or rather no good news. Dean was fussy as a result of all of the above but still he was sweet enough to make me the chocolate chip cookies I’ve been wanting for days even though he hates baking cookies. I’ve got a list a mile or five long to get done by Sunday, we’re having a party here, bad idea to host when you are so sick, but it gives me motivation to get out of bed and clean. The housework has been getting done mostly by Dean which is fine but I have high standards for a clean home and lets just say his idea of clean for a party and my idea of that are two different things. I managed to clean the bathrooms and vacuum some today all which wore me out immensely and I am sure added to my horrible mood. Awaking to 4 inches of snow may be nice but not when you have to figure out how to get to a drs appointment in it. I’m a grouch. I admit it, I’m sure there’s a stronger more suitable word for my attitude tonight but I’d like to think when one is sick they should be given at least some slack for being moody to others. Although I dont condone my attitude I dont think it’s fair I should be expected to be all smiles and energy when I’m just not doing good. Not doing good, facing some major health decisions and having to figure out how and when those things will happen and what that means for getting childcare for Caleb and also means more lost money for not being able to babysit more once I make some of these decisions. It’s a huge mess. My life in a nutshell that is.

Dean just headed out to meet some friends at a coffee house. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a bubble for a month, sure I’ve had chances to go out places but by the time evening rolls around after taking care of myself, caleb and the house all day long is just more than I can take and add to that an evening out, although it might be a relaxing night out w/ the gals, it still requires some energy which I just dont have. I made myself go out Wednesday night but then of course that made me feel worse when I woke up Thursday. Blah. That’s about it.

Well despite my nagging bad attitude I do have to stop and add that my son has been loving the snow. we put his snow suit on and let him play this evening and he cried when he had to come in. He just kept playing in it and falling down in it. it was adorable. I took some pics, not sure when I’ll get around to posting any though. Maybe have Dean do so tomorrow. hint hint Dean!! So that was Caleb’s bright point of the day. He needed to be out running off that energy I am sure, and he just loved it.

well tomorrow looks to be a quiet around the house day for us, which means lots of time to rest and clean. we did our first christmas shopping tonight. caleb wants the things we got for his cousin, he kept saying they were his. so we had to promptly hide them. Not that he’s old enough for them but all he knows is the packaging makes it look fun so let me in that box gosh darn it!!

well the house is quiet theres fresh baked cookies on the counter and a bunch of christmas cards to write out. what a way to spend a snowy friday night!!

well our little boy loves the 4 inches of snow we awoke to this morning! too bad it wasnt enough to keep dean home from work. So we’ll wait to go out to play til he gets home, which may be early since he’s got to come home early as is and take me to the dr and guess pending how the roads and the time he may come home or choose to to go back to work. Guess it also depends on how well my appt goes. I’ve been quite sick since yesterday but now I’m wondering if Caleb and I have just caught a bug, which makes sense because the baby I watched tuesday had a 101 fever all day then. He’s just clingy and got yucky diapers and well me, I am always a mess. Well thanks to our crazy schedule today we’ll have to nap early, so here’s hoping this fussy boy is acting fussy becuase he’s ready for an early nap.

In other news, a friend from church came over last night and did a lot of repairs on drywall to our house. It was nice, except I was trying to sleep and they were noisy, but it was a small price to pay. We’ve had tons of holes in different places throughout the hosue since we bought it and after we got the house livable and all the big fixes done we left the little ones, this is year two here and we are now finally getting the rest done. It felt great to go downstairs and see some work had been done and now if Dean just finishes it we’ll be good to go and the house will finally be up to par, for me at least. well the fussy boy continues to get worse as he wants to go outside now and mommy is too sick to do so lucky me, why Dean cant get off when it snows drives me mad. Argh. gotta run……….

I talked to my dr today, my blood work isnt back yet, something about my insurance company and how they process the lab order. Even though I went to the hospital lab where my dr works they sent the blood work out to be processed so he has to wait longer for the results. He was concerned about how I was feeling and my symptoms so he said he wanted to see me as soon as possible, which for him is tomorrow. I am supposed to see my other specialist next wednesday but he’s out all this week on vacation or something and my dr that I spoke w/ today said I should be seen before next Wednesday, and that’s before he’s seen my blood work results, so that scares me a little bit. Hopefully the blood work will clear up lots of questions for us and hopefully it’s as easy as giving me some vitamin supplements or something like iron pills if not the outlook may not be so good. So today’s been rough, I’ve felt bad, very bad actually and had a lot to do since I was putting off grocery shopping as long as possible since it really is hard for me to do physically now, but seems they are calling for some bad weather tomorrow so Dean thought I should get as much done today as possible, which would be fine if I had his energy or better yet Calebs!!

Congrats Cheryl and Schaun, but Eli still needs our prayers!!

Figured I’d end on a happy note, did I mention tomorrow may be our first snowfall this season! wohoo!!

My son turned two in August, he’s always been a great napper. Today is no different. I dont know what I’ll do when he realizes he and Mommy are the only ones left in the world that nap in the afternoon and decides to ditch me for something better. I need nap time, for me personally and phsyically now too. Since I’ve been sick I’ve tried to make days where I dont nap but I never make it or if I do I barely make it through the evening w/out loading all the dinner and other housework and Caleb care onto Dean.

Yesterday I babysat for the first time since the end of October, and it was quite an experience. I made sure at nap time to give myself 30 minutes when all 3 kids were sleeping for my own nap and I did, and sure enough 30 minutes later the baby woke up crying. Sure I would have made it through the day w/out a 30 minute nap but at that point I felt like I was barely getting by on energy and didnt know how in the world I’d make it til 6:30 when they were supposed to leave. But we made it through.

I should talk to my dr tomorrow and find out about my blood work and stuff. I have an appointment next week w/ my eye dr who did my surgery last year, I am really dreading that appointment, it’s a major turning point for treatment. Things have hopefully improved themselves over the last two weeks but after how I feel today I have to wonder if thats true. But I may have just done too much yesterday. If things havent improved then I really dont know what the next step is, thus what I’ll find out next week from that dr. He holds a lot of answers for me, ones I am scared to hear answers to.

This time last year we were battling these same questions and at the same time I was working full time. I ended up getting fired from my job because I missed so much time from work being sick and w/ emergency dr appointments. I cant believe it’s only been a year. I feel like I’ve been a stay at home mom for longer. After I got fired we decided we knew I’d lose our health insurance there so the surgery I needed had to be done asap and thus the day after christmas I had eye surgery to correct eye damage from psuedo tumor. Theres no rush this year as far as having to worry about losing insurance, so at least we know we are stable as far as a job for Dean, at the time Dean was contracted and didnt have health insurance for us. So not only was I providing us w/ a decent salary but health insurance. Since then we’ve felt because of my condition and the cost of childcare it would be wise for me to just stay at home even as we struggle financially. Now we wonder if I should have sought out sooner if I was eligible for any kind of disability or compensation for getting fired due to a true medical condition, since that is quite illegal. At the time my bosses knew the situation they just didnt care. Funny thing is I worked for a health insurance provider, if anyone should understand how important someones health is it should be them, but no wait, I should no better than that.

needless to say, looking back its been an interesting year. Things have come around to us again, the same struggles yet somehow different and somehow easier. Having good friends around that are willing to help out makes a huge difference, I think if we had this relationship structure last year I might have been able to pull through more sitters and find more ways to get to work when I couldnt physically drive myself. But we didnt, yet we’ve made it through. we made tough decisions a year ago, and since then we’ve had many blessings despite my failing health. Countless times we’ve wondered if I’d be able to go back to work soon and things wouldnt work out or I’d get ill again. So we know this is part of God’s plan for me to be home, but like I told Dean yesterday, it’s hard to be the one writing out the bills and pushing aside some bills to pay late because we dont have money to pay it because I dont work and because I physically cant. He says he understands, but I think theres somethings men just will never understand. Being a stay at home mom and making sacrifices for the decision to do that is one thing and I am sure Dean understands how important it is to me to be home with my son, but I dont think he equally understands how important I feel it is that I should be making money for us when we are struggling. If it wasnt Christmas time this might not hurt so bad, but being sick and unable to provide and care for your loved ones when that is your primary job makes my heart break w/ every day that I feel like I fail them.

I just got off of the phone w/ my doctor, he has decided to take me off of the newest medicine I am taking, topamax. Fine w/ me, in a few days I will hopefully be back to myself, at least somewhat. Last night I got lost in a walmart parking lot, it was a bad experience, luckily Dean was still inside shopping and came out and saved me, not sure what would have happened if I had been out shopping alone. Did I mention I had Caleb w/ me?

I persuaded the dr to order some blood work, not sure if he was gonna mention it before I did or not, but he sounded ok with the idea and ordered several tests I was suprised he thought to think of, like checking my thyroid, which always pleases my mom, since all of the women in my moms family have some sort of thyroid disease. I told him I would just feel better to know things are ok considering I am not eating much at all and I am concerned since I am so tired and having shortness of breath. Well we are headed out to see some friends, good thing I can drive there in my sleep, so we should be safe to get there and back!! now getting to the drs office later today for blood work might prove a little harder….. I really should have my license taken til this medicine is out of my system….

Well we are home again. We’d been in Ohio for a full week, which was very restful for us. But we were ready to be home. Caleb was very ready to be home. He was the happiest little boy when he got home and ran around and when he laid down to go to bed you could just see his relief to be in his bed not the pack and play again. About half way home today he kept asking for grandmom and granddad and kept doing so and even once home asked for them, and I suspect he will for a few days, but he really did miss the comforts of home, as did we. We’ve slid very easily back into our routine, laundry is already being done, we’ve twiddled away at the puter for a while and now Dean’s ignoring me for some game , same old same old. It’s nice. nice to be home. Be nicer if we hadnt turned the heat off for a week though!!

It was a very quiet week, mostly. thanksgiving was spent w/ 20 of our closest friends and family there, but it was great. I particularly enjoyed getting to play cards a lot while we were there. Our neices helped watch Caleb some so we could enjoy the other adults, so he had fun and so did we! The worst part about being sick was not enjoying the great food that was made. Everytime I’d try to eat something yummy it would either taste horrible( my taste buds are all wacky from the medicines) or it would make me sick. So I ussually either suffered by not eating at all or by being sick. I preferred the not eating part much better. I was silly and ate a big breakfast today before we drove off for home and got very sick on the drive home, so that added a lot of stops to our already lengthy drive.

Speaking of eating or not eating, since I was in the hospital 3 weeks ago and started new medicine I’ve lost 20 lbs. I think it’s good but I am getting worried I’m losing too much too fast especially since it’s mostly because I dont eat or when I do I get so sick, I am putting off calling my dr because I dont want to have to find out what comes next, plus I dont mind losing weight that I need to lose, although I know I should do it the healthy way since I know it will be hard to keep this weight off if it’s from not eating cause eventually I’lll have to eat right? or maybe not if my stomach doesnt adjust to this new medicine.

Well theres tons more I want to say but I’m tired so I think I’ll save it for another day…. say extra prayers for Cheryl and Eli this week!!!