I went to my eye drs today w/ the hope that no matter what happened that I would walk away being able to say yes I need eye surgery or no I dont. I didnt want to be the one making the decision. My dr told me my eyes are perfectly healthy and he doesnt know why I am having the problems w/ vision or floaters that I am having. Seeing as he was the one who did my eye surgery last year, I am hoping he was tellign the truth and not trying to admit the surgery failed and that it needs redone. Dean doesnt think this dr would do that and I hope not, but….it is good news for me. I dont need to consider eye surgery. It doesnt help us figure out what is causing these symptoms, or rather is it just too soon for him to see the problem yet, are the symptoms showing up because the condition is worsening and because I had surgery the eye wont be further damaged but it still gives me symptoms that I had pre surgery? Who knows. I know I dont. I know I should accept this as proof that things are getting better but it’s still hard. I still feel sick and the symptoms are the same. So now we wait for Monday to see if the spinal tap clears up any question about why I am so sick. So pending how that goes and if lowering my dosage of meds helps me feel any better, we will then decide whether to stay on the meds for longer or to go ahead and talk about getting a shunt put in. I dont think my symptoms are bad enough to warrant the shunt but if I cant go off the medicine to keep the pressure from rising then it might be worth it. If not I stay on these meds and get sick from the meds, if I go off the medicine I get sick from the elevated pressure. As is I am having symptoms still of elevated pressure so does that mean I need more medicine??
I could have lived very happily w/out ever having to deal w/ this condition and the daily struggles of it and the horrible effect it’s having on my marriage and son. Would I be the same person in the end probably not. I dont think I’ve learned the lesson yet that God wants me to so more waiting. yes, I’ve always never been good at being patient w/ God. Let alone w/ trusting anyone even Him. I have tried hard to give this to Him but right now I feel so alone that I dont think I’ve done that completely. I know I’ve been trying to do this on my own and I dont have the energy to keep fighting w/ Him about it, so I know I should just give it up and let Him take control. And since I lost control of this whole battle about a month ago anyway theres nothing much left for me to hang on to, it’s just letting Him get close enough again for me to know that though He’s allowing it it doesnt mean he’s causing it. I blame Him. I blame myself for being a horrible person. It’s making me mean and angry.
Looks like I’ve come to grips w/ things a little more today, dont know why I cant just look at today’s appointment as a blessing. If I felt better I might accept it as so, but just because the dr said it it doesnt take away my symptoms. It’s like saying I have been healed then walking into the ER because I am bleeding profusely all over the place. How can you accept something when what you see and feel are so different than what you are being told. I thought faith was trusting in things hoped for and not seen or something. I can see the symptoms I can feel them, and I hear the dr say my eyes are ok, but it’s like saying you’re someones parent but the DNA test saying you are not. Dont know if I am making any sense and I dont really care if I am. This is my blank page and I had to write to think it all through for myself. Sorry if you’re more confused then you were before you stumbled along my page. I feel like lately all this is about is my sickness and the sadness that goes with it. I am sorry for that, but if this is the only place I get that out of my system than if anything I’ll keep doing it for me and I wont mind if you decide to not come back for a while .
Meanwhile my baby boy is trying to sleep despite his waking every few minutes to cough horribly. It’s breaking my heart to hear him be so sick. I imagine that’s what God’s been saying about me lately. I only wish I had the power to make my baby boy feel better. He told me today that he doesnt like mommy that he wants daddy. this was no after telling him no or yelling at him, it was while I played a game w/ him on the computer. I know he knows I am sick. He’s been to several doctors’ office waiting rooms lately and all he knows is mommy is going to the dr. I asked him today why mommy went to the dr and he said momy go dr I go w/ Daddy. that’s how it’s been. Dean either goes w/ or keeps Caleb so I can go. Today they went w/ since I couldnt drive very well w/ my eyes before or after the appointment. Caleb fell asleep in the dr’s waiting area while I was taking a test and seeing the dr. I hate that he has to go through all of this. Once we got home and Dean went to work we took a nap together, he woke up and played in his room while I continued to try to sleep for another hour. He’s hardly been out to play w/ friends or to do much until daddy gets home from work. I can understand why he wants daddy and not me. It still hurts though, it’s not like I am hungover and cant play w/ him, I am just too sick or tired to. I do my best to make sure he has time to do art work w/ me everyday or lately to bring a bowl of snow in the house to play w/ w/ me or tonight we made a huge mess w/ packing popcorns! But w/out those naps I would be rendered useless to him for those times even if they are breif compared to the whole 9 hours I have him alone w/ me all day. It’s no life for a two year old, but we cant afford a nanny or even a mothers helper. Next week he will have fun as my mother will have him two days and my brother and nephew will be up one day to play w/ him. Tomorrow I am hoping to take him to a nearby mall that has a playground in it, but that’s if his cough subsides and my energy level gets a little better. He’s the son I waited for for 3 years, and now that he’s here I feel like I’ve abandoned him.
