Wisdom from my walk

My morning started much as usual, with the all too familiar awakening to still feeling completely exhausted that only worsened as I got out of bed and got ready. Knowing today we were going to have to go grocery shopping didnt help any either, it’s always a chore when I have to take Caleb and we needed the essentials so we had to go. After stopping at the bank I had planned on going home to feed caleb breakfast, this after taking Dean to work, but Caleb told me he wanted to go to the store first and not home so thinking he was happy to go shopping I agreed. Got the essentials all loaded in the car and was ready to unlock the doors to put caleb, complete in his jammies still, into the car, but the key wouldnt work. It was my car. I could tell, I could see my cell phone right inside the dash where I had left it, and my purse was on the floor in the back seat, I had taken only my wallet in with me since we were just going in for milk and such. The key still wouldnt work and as soon as I muttered that the key was stupide the key broke in half, half stayed in the car lock. ARGH!! Like I said everything was in the car, including our milk and eggs!! I had to manage to get someones attention, I guess my tears and holding a toddler in his jammies wasnt enough to get people to notice, but finally I found a phone to use and talked to Dean. We have roadside assistance through hyundai and geico but of course the phone numbers for both were in the glove box! Since we have just the one car Dean couldnt help me, so he told me to check w/ the grocery store on what to do. So again after having to yell at a worker there that I needed help and being told to wait, they not so politely told me that the police dont help w/ that sort of thing anymore and asked my 20 questions about why I didnt have a spare w/ me and why I didnt have someone who could help me, all being none of their business! Finally asked to use the phone again and tried to reach Geico but got no answer at the one number I had, so Dean started calling people who might be around to help. My poor friend had to come get us, she lives 20 minutes away, and our house was only like 5 minutes from the store, but it was sooo cold out, if it had been warmer I probably would have walked home w/ caleb. It’s a good mile or two, but we could do it, if it had been warmer. thankfully I was easily able to find my spare key at home and then had roadside assistance come to the house to fix the key that was stuck in the door for free! I am so glad I have friends who can come help so easily. Caleb hated having to sit in the back seat w/a big kid seatbelt since we had no car seat for him, and that bothered me, but it was worth it. I was so happy to get home two hours after taking Dean to work. What a mess!!! I hope everyone else had a better day than me!!

I just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a week or five……….BLAH!!!! Too bad I cant even get one day off…..did I mention lately that my birthday is this weekend, I was looking forward to it, but not really. Looking forward to getting it done w/. Birthdays always stir up too much family junk for me to think about and thats the last thing I need now, more junk in my already screwed up little head.

AAAAHHH! I am super grouchy today, not sure why other than the fact I’ve spent every day since Friday painting my office and now I hate it! I had it mostly done on Friday but when Dean got home he thought I was doing something different than what I had done and me feeling guilty about it being his house too felt like I had to oblige him, so since then we took the room I loved and turned into a room I hate! BLAH! And it’s MY office!! But at least today I can say it’s one project I got done, even if it’s because I wore myself out doing it, okay doing more than 75% of the work myself w/ an already injured back, but it’s done. Well except for the ceiling, which is a whole project that will take Dean to deal with, but for now the room is much more usable to me. Even if I hate how it looks. Hoping after I’m doing grouching about it I can learn to like it.

We went to see Madison Greene in concert last night, and it would have been great had my back not been killing me. But it was still great, and I told Dean I would have liked nothing better for my birthday week than seeing them for the first time, so it was worth it. Caleb went with us and he had a ball dancing around to the music all evening. I love seeing him enjoy music. I had a hard time accepting that people could jus sit and not feel the music. It takes a lot for me not to get excited about music, even if its not my style, I almost immediately pick up on a beat and start tapping my leg, but people just sat in their chairs for hours after 2 bands rocked!! I loved seeing Caleb feel what I felt, and hopefully our taking him to concerts as he grows up will give him the oppurtunity to be able to continue to feel the music even when he’s older.

A friend is in the hospital this weekend and we’re not sure when she gets home , it’s truly breaking my heart today. i’ve said many a cryfilled prayer up to our Father for her today, I just hope it helps. I personally have been feeling mostly okay, despite bad back pain and headaches, so I feel grateful to be at home with my family today even if they are driving me nuts!!

Is it normal for a 2 1/ 2 year old to want a PB& J sandwich 2-3 times a day??? Last night about an hour or so after a perfectly good meal which he ate, he demanded a PB& J sandwich. It’s 3 pm and he ate lunch and he again demanded PB&J. I hate to not give it to him since he’s so stick skinny, but could he be unbalanced and need more protein thus the need for peanut butter? not sure what the deal is, but he’s been eating regular meals and adding an extra sandwich a day and drinks a ton all day. not sure where it all goes since he’s so tiny. if I ate like that I’d be huge. must be a growing boy is all, but we are worried about giving in to his demands for food after he’s eaten already. can he truly still be hungry? dont know but for now, I’ll keep making PB& J, it’s better than the days when he wouldnt eat anything all day, he goes through phases I know so maybe he’ll grow out of it, but Dean’s got a bad PB& J sandwich addiction so who knows. At first Dean was happy Caleb decided to like pb& j sandwhiches, now we are growing concerned at the amt he eats of it. oh well, guess he’ll survive, at least he’s not starving.

When we left for church this morning it felt like it was at least 60 degrees out. We came out of church to run for some lunch before a leadership meeting and it felt like it was almost 80 degrees!! Attended said leadership meeting, and started to head home. After discussing our tire needing air we stopped to put air in it. Half way home, as we were driving at least 65 mph on the highway, said tire blew out!! Luckily Dean was driving in the farthest right lane and immediately pulled off to the shoulder. Had we been in any other lane we might have had to deal with causing an accident. It was quite scary, luckily Caleb had just fallen asleep and slept threw the whole ordeal even as we waited for Dean to put on the spare. Dean said we lost the cover for the tire, I guess he means the one that covers up the ugly nuts and makes the tires look pretty? Oh well, it was a small loss to me, I was just glad we didnt have an accident. As Dean changed the tire the sky started to fill with fog and the temperature started to drop. Now it’s feeling like a brisk 50 at most and it’s dark and looks like it might rain at any given minute. A far cry from the sunny bright skies we had when we headed out to grab lunch.

Not sure why, but for me the change in weather as the day unfolded takes on great significance for me. For me, I feel everything that happens for a reason. If theres a rainbow in the sky and I see it, I know that that day God is speaking something special just to me. Why? Because for me, everytime something major has happened or changed in my life, I’ve always been comforted w/ seeing a rainbow, and for me thats my sign. no rainbows yet today, but the changes on the horizon do cause me to sit up and pay attention. It’s a tire , I know. But after the message at church, and in our leadership meeting, I knew to expect a somewhat challenging week spiritually. How does a blown tire effect my spirituality? well it’s not really the tire but how I deal with it and let it effect me. I would usually get upset and bent out of shape becuase we dont usually have money to deal w/ these little suprises. And was fine w/ having to replace one tire today, but Dean informs me you cant just buy one tire, you have to buy two, or rather it’s better for the car that way. So that kind of bothered me a bit more, spending twice as much money as I’d like. We got home and I checked the checkbook and by golly theres enough money for a tire or two and then some! Thats a rarity for us. The last week I’ve been looking at the checkbook and running the numbers two, three times at least as I wrote out bills and wrote down receipts. Not sure how it happened, but it’s truly a blessing, we’re going to be okay this month. Sure we were blessed financially last month in a big way, but I never thought it would keep effecting our check book. We’ve got only a couple of bills to pay for January and will do w/ Dean’s next paycheck, and the cabinets and fridge is full of food, and we stocked up on diapers and wipes….and theres still money for replacing a blown tire. It might not mean much to you, but I know that it’s only because of God’s grace and providence in our lives that this is possible. Heck, I was finally able last week to replace my winter coat that I’ve had for 6 years and buy a new one!! And we got Dean the game he wanted for Christmas! Little things to some, but big ones for me and my family. God is great, I just had to share today.

So as the new year has started, with it we’ve had quite a blessed time enjoying the gifts God’s given us, and best of all, I’ve lowered my meds and am feeling pretty good so far!! Despite a still nagging back pain that should not be related to my pseudo tumor at all, thats its.

I’m sure Dean’s biggest thrill lately though was attending the Ravens game yesterday care of Microsoft. They bought his department at work some tickets to the game and paid for food and drinks before and during the game! Me, I spent the day enjoying my son and undecorating from Christmas! Hope everyone elses New year is shaping up to be better than last year!!

For Christmas my mom bought me a sweater and skirt to wear when we go to the dinner theatre(she bought us gift certificates for the tickets there too!). I thought it was somewhat odd since she said to open the big boxes and little box last, so we opened the bigger boxes, mine was my outfit and Dean’s was a dress shirt, which she had told me she got for him. I didnt say it out loud, but I was thinking how odd it was that mom had bought me a dressy outfit, I mean I have tons of dress clothes just no where to wear them except church. Then we opened the box w/ our tickets to the dinner theater and it made sense. But what didnt make sense was what size clothes she got me. She swore she meant to get the next smaller size and thought she had but she hadnt. Which is fine, but I was a little upset at how big she thought I was in the size. So since she had the day off today we went to return my clothes and get something else. We started in the WOMENS section, since I typically wear a bigger size than the average woman, but I was thrilled after I picked the size she thought I should and when I tried it on the skirt was falling off of me!! So after deciding we’d try the regular sizes, I found two shirts I fell in love with. They were size XL. That’s what I’ve been wearing lately, not 1X or bigger, just regular XL, which I know is still big since I have lots of size S or M friends, but for me, I was so happy to be shopping in the normal size clothes section. The trick was if the clothes were cut big enough in the shoulders for me, and sure enough, I tried both shirts and was instantly amazed at just how much weight I’ve lost!! The pants I wore today were already baggy and I should have had a belt on but I dont have one or rather I dont like to mess w/ one. So my pants were falling down and the shirt I went shopping in was too long and baggy and I left w/ two new shirts that not only fit but look great on!!! I went through a big weight loss about 6 months ago doing atkins but gained it all back once I started eating carbs again. Since I got sick and lost so much weight 2 months ago, I havent yet gained it back. I’m eating smaller portions and my appetite is a little screwy still, but….I’m not gaining. I’m not really losing any more, I’ve been at the same weight for a month now and thats fine w/ me. Sure I want to lose a lot more, but if I can keep this weight I lost off that’s a better starting point then losing more and gaining it all back, I’d rather stick w/ what I’ve lost and make sure I can maintain it on changes in eating habits alone and then once the warmer weather strikes I”ll be out and about exercising away w/ walks w/ caleb and fun stuff outside again, so that will be good. I was so happy that I could leave the store w/ smaller sized clothes that look good! My fear was I’d end up w/ a bigger size and prove my mom right that I hadnt lost that much weight, but I think she’s finally getting convinced I have. I’ve been wearing baggy clothes so it’s not always to see the difference but now that Dean bought me some shirts the other day and the new ones from today, it should be much more noticeable when I’m out that I’ve lost weight. But really all that matters is that I finally feel better about how I look. Sure I need to lose more weight, but I’m doing good and trying hard to keep the weight down, and right now I look better than I did a few months ago, so that’s enough to make me happy today! I’ll feel even better after I hear what dean thinks about the new clothes, but he’s a little biased about how i look, he loved how I looked 30 lbs ago!! Not sure why, but guess thats why it’s called unconditional love….

I know I am getting my hopes up already, but…I spoke to my neurologist today and he says he still wants to try to take me off my one med since it makes me feel so bad. So tonight I start a lower dosage. If in a week I have no added or increased PTC symptoms then at that time the dosage will drop again and so on until I am off the med!!! I’ll still be on one medicine but I think thats fine w/ me, for now. My biggest thought right now is that if this works, if this is truly the miracle we’ve been waiting for, then we might be able to start thinking about baby # 2 again!! I dont think theres as big a concern w/ taking my one med and being pregnant, at least not as big a concern as taking the other one and getting pregnant. I know I shouldnt get so excited about something that might not happen, but for once in the last few months I actually have hope about feeling better soon. Now we just wait and see what happens!!!!! Say lots of prayers for us!!! I know this might just be temporary for me, going off meds, but if it gives me enough time off meds to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby than I’ll take it!! The waiting and seeing approach is never the best for me, but if I can at least have something to look forward to if it works out then it’s worth it. As opposed to the last few months of not knowing what was going to happen, I know at least now I might be able to enjoy food again soon!! We’ll know more in a day or two after the dosage has been dropped, so heres to a bright starting new year!! WOHOO!!!