Wisdom from my walk

Is it too late to call and cancel my repeat c-section??? God I dont want this tomorrow. Why cant I just go into labor, if one more person tells me I should be glad I wont have to labor I”m going to hit them, and hard. You have your freaking kid ripped from your stomach and have weeks of recovering from sugery, and tell me thats got to be better than doing things a little more naturally. It’s not like I had a bad c/s the first time, I just am scared to death of surgery. My last few hospital stays were hell, and I”m not up for that again. Sure it will be different this time and things could be great, but it’s still major surgery which means major health stuff and for me that stuff is never easy. I want my baby boy in my arms now, I am just not ready for force things and have him taken out in such a vicious way. I guess if God thought we were interferring in His plan he’d do something about it huh? I’m running out of faith that I could go into labor between now and tomorrow morning and it’s depressing. Everyone keeps saying now it’s best for everyones schedules to stick to the plan but screw their schedules what about my feelings and the babys health. blah! this day is going to be a long one.

oh my, 24 hours to go!!! I think I’m going to go crazy!!!

Ok, so my pregnancy ticker up there shows I have 15 days left, truth be told it’s really less than 48 hours now!! the true countdown has begun. I’m getting scared out of my mind and despite orders of bedrest, worry= a super clean house. Or that’s what I was working on til I made myself sit for a minute, and then only because I could only see spots in front of my eyes so cleaning was getting to be a pain. So I’ll take a short break to check in here.

So Dean and the kiddo went to church tonight for our usual Monday meeting and I stayed home, knowing full well I’d probably clean the house top to bottom, but what nesting mom to be wouldnt especially when we’re expecting a house full of people the rest of the week, that and I am going stir crazy if I sit too long. I’m impatient and waiting for the big day to arrive just sitting around is going to drive me insane. So I’ll be doing a ton tonight and figure I can rest all morning tomorrow after I take the kiddo to preschool. Plus I’m contracting some or something is going on so I want to keep moving if I can just to keep myself from thinking about everything.

I feel bad for Dean, I’ve gotten quite lazy about meal times, which means I’ve stopped planning them. The most I’ve done is the grocery shopping and making sure there is at least food to eat, the whole what to eat when and who is going to prepare I could care less about these days. We’ve eaten more sandwhiches in the last two weeks than we’ve had in the last year! I really intended to make a meatloaf tonight but amidst a busy day full w/ two doctors appointments and having to go to the hospital to get pre-op lab work done, I forgot to defrost the meat, so we ended up w/ grilled cheese and soup. I feel bad because I know normally we eat really well, I tend to have meals planned out days in advance, these days those the only thing I’m concerned over is getting home ready for baby, meals have become just something that comes up and we deal with it then. I think Dean’s getting frustrated with this and I even made a point this evening to start the defrosting meat for tomorrow so we at least have tomorrow’s dinner done, and for the rest of the week they are all on their own, the whole dozen or so people that will be occupying my home while I am in the hospital. I cant even guarantee them I’ll go to the grocery store again for food, other than knowing we will need to get toilet paper tomorrow. Poor Deaner, but I figure after all I’ve dealt with for 10 months if the worst he’s had to worry about is meals and the kid a lot more than usual thats not too bad right? Heck I’m the one going through major physical pain and such what’s a missed meal here and there?? right? Ok no I really am more sympathetic than that, else I wouldnt be writing about it. I figure at least I’m still keeping up w/ the cleaning and doing what I can of laundry, I just wish I could still be super mom! I am afraid super mom wont be around for a good couple of weeks, and even then I dont know how super I’ll be at managing two kids and everything else I try to do around the house on a daily basis, but we’ll see. So I’m afraid this pattern of sandwich dinners might become something of a norm around here for a while, that or we’ll start eating out more.

well the cleaning I started is calling me again, or rather I cant sit still much longer so I’m gonna get. Hope everyone is having a good Monday!

It’s getting way too emotional around here these days. I feel like I have post partum depression now I am crying so often, it stinks. Then Dean goes and writes this. Geez, we’re all losing our minds waiting for this week to hurry up and arrive meanwhile all we can do is sit around and wait. I am so impatient.

Thought I’d mention I’ve given up on bedrest orders for the time being. I went to church this morning then was really bad and went for a walk w/ the family to the playground, for the last time for a while no doubt. Then I came home and literally crashed, couldnt keep my eyes open. I slept a bit and then did laundry. Cramping some more but not too much pressure going on. My appt tomorrow isnt until 1:45 so we wont know much more til later tomorrow afternoon. Tonight Dean and I are going to the movies, our last date night before being parents to two boys. I think we both need to get our minds off of this week and everything going on in our heads and hoping a good movie will do the trick, at least temporarily. Well nothing really new to talk about, same old same. I am doing a lot better today, I’ve managed to not throw up all day which is a major plus! So wohoo for that I guess. Hope everyone had a good weekend!

Is it too much to ask for a little understanding or at least straight answers?? we spent from 10 am – 2 pm at L&D today awaiting answers. The first few lab results to come in were great, better than they’d been. We were hopeful. Then of course they start asking how I’m doing, like they should have waited to ask, so I of course am honest and say, ok, headaches, seeing spots, still nauseas, threw up 2 times after leaving the hospital yesterday, but not feeling contractions anymore. So of course this baffles them. We had to wait a while for the one lab result thats been off all week, so while we waited for that they were consulting with the neurologist on call and considering giving me a spinal tap.

Ok, if you werent around for it my last spinal tap a few months ago was hell, and at that time I knew I needed one cause I felt crappy. So Dean had gone off to get some lunch for us while I’m battling the dr almost in tears about not wanting a spinal tap and told her that I dont feel that bad. I admit I will tell you if I feel so bad I think I need a spinal tap, heck when I had meningitis I would have begged for one if they hadnt given me one and also a few months back too. I know when it’s bad enough to need one, this was not one of those times. Sure I feel crappy but the headaches are being controlled and they dont want to stop the nausea and vomitting because if they try to cover it up then they wont know if it’s getting worse and they want to know if it’s going to keep up. So….a little later they decide that this is more than likely not pre-eclampsia, dah I could have told you that! My final lab results came in with the same levels as yesterday, so not great but not worse. If they had been higher we’d been whisked off to the OR, and I was somewhat dissappointed at that point because I wanted answers.

so there is still no telling what is wrong with me. I did my best to get my fears across to the dr and she did her best to find answers and she said I need to see my neurologist before the c/s. Another great reason to not have done a spinal today just if you needed a reason, but if I had it done then I might not be able to get an epidural for my c/s and then that would mean they’d have to put me to sleep for it and no way do I want to be out for the birth of my son! So when she said that I was for sure not going to let it happen. Luckily she was persauded finally that this probably wasnt as life threatening as they thought and are going to let me wait it out some more. I hate the waiting, especially when I feel so sick. Right now I’m awake since I cant sleep due to severe nausea again. But if it gives baby b a few more days to grow and develop and gives Dean’s parents time to get here then I guess that’s what we’ll do.

I’m also going to whine a little about this whole bedrest thing. All week long I did my best to induce labor naturally, walking and other fun stuff and it was working, I was contracting regularly and got to 2 cm dilated, then of course they put me on bedrest. I thought after todays ordeal they’d say just resume normal activity, apparently they dont want me to really labor and didnt even do an internal today and said more bedrest. cant really induce labor laying in bed, so unless a huge miracle happens and I somehow start laboring even while doing nothing but sitting on my butt all day then the baby wont be here before the c-section. I have a feeling had I not been put on bedrest and taking it easy these last two days I’d still be contracting. because the more moving around I do the worse I feel. it was nice to think on Thursday that I could try a vbac now they’ve taken that away from me unless of course God decides to intervene and get things moving again. Are you listening! ??

I’m not trying to be selfish, but I want this to be over. Not knowing why you’re body is reacting so badly to pregnancy is not fun. Not knowing why you cant see straight and cant stop feeling so sick is not how I want to spend my last few days of pregnancy. I want to going for walks with my son. I want to be out getting our last family photos done as a family of three. I want to go on a freakin date with myhusband tomorrow like we had planned but instead those darn doctors put me on bedrest. Sure I’ve never really listened to them before but after asking specifically today what she meant by modified bedrest I cringed, I’ve so not been following orders, like I said more than likely why I was starting to labor on Thursday. I had spent all day Thursday out and about doing stuff and all week I took at least one walk a day. That is not at all close to what I was told to do. And I guess it’s my own fault maybe why we spent two days in L&D but what I wanted more than anything was a chance to have a normal pregnancy, to be able to naturally go into labor and be given the chance to try to deliver the son God gave me. I mean does He really think a c/s is good for me, wouldnt it be better for me to labor and not have to endure a major surgery. I dont understand. I dont understand why pregnancy for me has to be so hard. Dean keeps telling people it’s only a couple of more days but I’m so done I am so ready for this fight to be over with my body. I love this child more than I can ever describe and I want what is best for him and I am willing to suffer for him, heck I told Dean if not getting a spinal tap means putting myself at risk to go blind (and if my pressure is up that’s what could happen on the severe end of things) then I’d do it because I’d rather me suffer than the baby. I dont care what happens to me and my body as long as the Baby comes out healthy and happy. But in the same respect I dont want to have to deal with this now. It’s hard enough being pregnant and miserable and add to that the unknown of what is going on with my body and it’s just too much to handle. So I guess this is enough complaining, the bottom line is the drs dont know what is wrong, just that we’ve decided this happens to me when I get to the end of pregnancy and they dont know what it is or why and that’s it. We’ll try our hand w/ the neurologist on Monday I guess but even then Dean said it’s silly since it’s only a few more days til the baby comes. My fear of course is future pregnancies. If this happens to me at the end of every pregnancy and seems to be different with each one then there is something happening. It may not be textbook but it’s something, is it really asking too much for the dumb doctors to try to figure out what is wrong with my body and pregnancy? I guess it’s too big a request today.

For now I guess we just wait and pray things get better or that labor starts naturally asap. I am going to do my best to follow doctors orders but it’ s hard when you dont understand their reasoning behind it. So I probably wont update again til Monday after my next appt unless labor starts up again. Thanks for hanging in there with us!

I know you are dying for an update! Well…. I went to my drs appt this morning and was sent straight to Labor & Delivery. I was not anymore dilated but my labwork results had come back a little more abnormal than Mondays had so they were being cautious. So off to L&D at the hospital for hours of monitoring and waiting for more blood work results. They were confused because my blood pressure was fine, better than normal actually and that didnt match up with what was going on with my lab work, so they waited for the new labs to come back. I had stopped contracting or so the monitor said but I kept having pressure cramps and pain and the dr said that sometimes the monitor doesnt always catch all of the contrax so that made me feel a little better.

the lab work came back with more abnormal results and the dr was confused as to what to do. It was decided since I was feeling ok, well mostly, that I could come home for a bit and return in the morning for more monitoring and more labwork. based on that lab work tomorrow they’ll decide if things are getting worse and if the baby needs to be delivered now or if we can wait it out another day or two. They kept saying if my water would break that would be great, then they wouldnt have to decide what to do as far as delivering, but they wont break my water yet, they want me to deliver closer to 38 weeks which I find silly since it’s only a few days away. So….we wait it out tonight and pray I go into labor, being being on bedrest wont help induce labor naturally so I doubt that will happen. Actually since being home and resting the pain has subsided which really stinks, I was hoping things would progress and then tomorrow they’d be ready to help labor along. So for now no news, just confusing news that no one understands. I’ve got strange lab work which doesnt add up with my blood pressure but does match up with some symptoms I’m having so they are confused. The last thing you want to hear is that the dr doesnt know what to do, but thats how it went.

So my mom is here tonight just in case something happens and will keep Caleb tomorrow while Dean accompanies me to L&D again. I somehow doubt I’ll get another chance to choose to come home unless my lab work improves, but we can only wait and see. Sorry for this not being a post about the baby being on his way, but we dont know. If anything we know the baby is doing well despite how I am doing, and it’s more about what’s going on with me, unless of course the labwork gets worse which could in turn mean problems for the baby. So unfortunately we really found out nothing and are just hoping the baby is developing fine and that if he needs to come that his lungs are well developed. So keep praying for us and that tomorrow the drs get the info they need to make an informed healthy decision for me and the baby and that we dont have to keep waiting it out since I’m feeling pretty miserable.

on the plus side, I found out the hospital food is good and will get to experience those fun trial runs in labor and delivery a lot of moms to be get. heck I didnt even think I’d see the inside of a l&D room, just the surgery room and yet I spent all day in a L&D room and will spend a good deal of time there tomorrow, just ironic cause at the hospital tour I kept waiting for them to talk about stuff for moms to be who have scheduled c-sections and all they talked about was what happens when you go to L&D for vaginal deliveries, so I’ve had my turn in L&D and it’s not too bad! Was lonely since no one was with me, but it was probably a good thing becuase I was really tired and in pain so I wouldnt have been the best company. So we’ll see how tomorrow goes and if I get stuck there Dean will send out emails to let people know.

I said a huge tearfilled prayer before leaving for my drs appointment and it seems He may have not only heard me but wanted to answer me quickly, because at my appointment things went just swell. I was on the stress test for about an hour and was contracting the whole time, didnt know it other than feeling achy and uncomfy the whole time. Then when I finally saw the dr and told them how I was feeling so bad and nauseas and achy she said that is odd and that she worries about patients who have morning sickness in the 3rd trimester. She then preceeded to do an internal check and I am 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced!!! She told me to come back tomorrow or to call if something changes through the night. Unfortunately it seems if this is it it will again be mostly back labor, which sucks but if I am already at 2 cm I might be able to handle it a little better. it tooks hours of pitocin and cervadil to get anywhere close to 2 cm dilated w/ caleb and then I was 40 weeks pregnant so I have great hope that this might be it. So the dr said to go home and rest, and of course my thought is rest, no way man I’m going for a walk or five!!!!! so we’ll see, I’ll settle for a walk and then a good nights rest. My appt is for 10:30 tomorrow morning so all of you who have been praying keep it up because the big man is listening. the countdown is on now, 2 cms down, 8 to go and I’ve got 5 days to do it to avoid a c-section. come on baby!! we’re ready! and for those worried about the baby being ready, the u/s today showed him to be measuring ahead, and weighing about 7 lbs 3 oz. so he should be just fine if born between now and c-day (c-section day) so off to find look up some labor inducing things and try some!!! wohooo for me! I couldnt be happier that I might be able to labor. And if it makes any difference, caleb was sunny side up, or facing front and until today so was this baby, the u/s today showed he’d turned and is now facing the right way for me to labor easier. so thats another miracle. my blood pressure is still good, another miracle. so things might just be working out the way they should this time round, please God please keep listening and answering!!!