Lack of sleep and impending illness all around you tends to really mess with one’s head. I’ve been in a daze all day. The simple things have been hard and I keep forgetting what I am doing or if I did something. Caleb’s fever finally broke this morning only to be followed by nasty gastrointestinal problems. Boaz hasnt had a fever but was too congested to eat for most of the day, he seems to be doing better as the day goes on.
Dean came home from work today to help me out, my hero! I just couldnt figure out how to be in the bathroom constantly with Caleb and try to get a fussy baby to latch on and nurse. Of course as soon as Dean is home Caleb perks up and his stomach calms down. It was good though, Caleb and I got in a good nap and for once Boaz took a bottle for Dean which let me sleep longer than I would have been able to had he not been home.
Things are quiet around here now. Both boys are asleep, and if I werent writing here I probably would be too as my eyes are so heavy I’m having trouble staying awake. A little while ago Dean left to hang out with some guys from church. I’m kind of jealous actually, then went to a place to get wings. It makes me remember the times when, before we had kids, we’d work at the theater and afterward go out with everyone to a wings place. Good times I tell you. Funny thing is back then I would complain about going out so often with everyone but now I’d give anything for a night out without worrying about the children. Selfish I know but I feel a little drained today and in need of something. I mean I know I need sleep, but theres something just out of grasp of my mind that I cant get a handle on today. I’m in some sort of fog or something, it’s hard to describe and dont know why I’m trying to figure it out when I’m sure all I need is some sleep.
This time of year, around the new year that is, generally turns into a time of looking back and yet looking forward at your life. I tend to do this a lot more times a year then new years, for with every change of the seasons I’m reminded of memories brought on by subtle changes like the temperature, the smell of spring flowers or a spring rain, or the sight of changing leaves and eventually falling leaves. For me it’s those times when little things around me, scents or sounds or maybe even music, take me back to my past and in turn bring me back full circle to the present and I reflect on how things have changed in my life and relish the new memories of a new season or new event which this time next year will bring me another memory to recall. Yesterday we went to a chinese buffet and Caleb got some ice cream. I was tempted so I got myself a bowl and for some strange reason I decided to put chocolate syrup on it, I dont usually get ice cream at the chinese place let alone get chocolate syrup on my ice cream. When I went to eat it I was in heaven. the taste of the chocolate syrup reminded me of when I was younger and while I couldnt recall an exact memory, I felt good. it was like the chocolate syrup was a drug, while I couldnt recall the memory to go w/ the taste it was as if the taste alone was enough to trigger happy thoughts. Tonight I found myself going to the freezer for some ice cream again, I know I really need to cut out the junk, but I dont drink milk so I figure a nursing mom should get her dairy somehow, that and lately all I want is junk, forget the real food just give me cookies and ice cream. anyway, I found myself also going to the fridge for the chocolate syrup. I wanted to see if it was a one time thing or if there was something to this chocolate syrup feeling I was having, I think I was feeling too guilty for eating the ice cream to enjoy it this time and even Dean commented on my eating ice cream. I dont blame him, I’ve been walking around complaining that I’m getting fat so he was trying to remind me of those complaints while I sat downing my snack. I dont know that I’ve gained weight, like I said I’m in some sort of mood today and it’s affecting everything. If I didnt know better I’d blame it on PMS or something but that’s highly unlikely to be the problem. who knows, maybe nursing is messing w/ my hormone levels or something.
well the point was, as I look back over the year I cant really put things into perspective right now, mostly because I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing since being pregnant and having a new baby. You tend to rethink your life alot while carrying another life inside of you and then after you wish you could go back to the simpler times in your life. So for me it’s like the passing of days on the calendar were nothing to me, it was like I’d already changed enough in the last few months that changing of the numerical year was just another day to me. I feel sad knowing that, it’s like since I had the baby right before this years holidays I missed out on the joy of the holidays. While I have the joy from seeing and having my little boy, there’s something to be said when you feel like holidays are just another day. I never want them to be just another day, to me Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Years are all times of joy and celebration, but this year for me they are all just another day to get through. For me the joy and celebration was the day my baby boy arrived, and while that should be enough, I’m starting to feel the letdown of the postholiday season and as my 6 week check up creeps up, I’m also nearing the end of what’s called the postpartum period. I’m hoping it’s all just hormones but its all got my brain in a rut and I feel like I’m drowning in the mundaness of everyday life and it’s challenges.
sorry for the rambling, my tired brain does that. hope you got something out of my jumbled up thoughts…..
