Wisdom from my walk

Ugh!! Not long after my last post the dr calls. My test results are improving. What does that mean? I dont know really. The game plan is to get more bloodwork done on May 4th and see what the results are then. The thought is that the thryoid will normalize then become underactive. Right now it’s working on improving from being overactive. He’s still clueless about the tingling in my face. He said the words I so didnt want to hear, you need to see the neurologist. He talked to my neurologist and he wants to see me. I have an appt set now for May 4th.

the last time I saw the neurologist he told me to stop nursing to take migraine meds. I told him fine but went home and after talking to Dean we changed our minds. thus the predicament we are in now, the boy is still nursing exclusively. So I’ll have to go face this dr and explain why I’m not on the meds he prescribed and tell him why I havent been to any follow up appt since then. blah! I was hoping to just deal w/ the migraines and only have to see him if I had to. Looks like I dont have a choice, I need to see him. The receptionist said he will probably do tests that morning, in office. What kind of tests I have no clue. The endo said it sounds like a cervical spine injury. I was like ok, in my mind thinking whatever! He said (the endo.)I could exercise if I could tolerate it. so basically since now I’m freaked about it being a spinal injury I am not going to exercise til after my next appointment. Like I said nothing can ever be easy. I was hoping it was some sort of vitamin/mineral deficiency but now who knows what will happen. the tingling is constant and annoying and now I have to wait a week and a half to find out (possibly) what is causing it.

Still not being put on any meds so I guess we have time to wait out the nursing issues, which is good I guess. I just want to feel better and to not have to keep going to all of these doctors appointments, is that really too much to ask? Oh well, at least I know that I dont have to wait til Monday to hear back from the dr. that’s as good as it will get for today I suppose. I am glad I guess that the thyroid is getting better, at least for now. I guess. I’m so confused I dont know what to think or feel. I know I am tired and sick of feeling crappy. Not a new feeling to me, but it gets old fast, feeling this way. Sounds like Bo is awake, glad I didnt start to work on decorating the cake yet…..

You’d think I’d get better at handling the waiting for test results. I’m doing better than those around me who keep asking me if the drs called yet and what is going on. I want to know, it’s driving me crazy. I called the drs office around 11:15 today to ask if I can start working out again yet or if I should wait….thinking maybe a call in will remind them about my bloodwork. My biggest fear is that the results are in and that the dr is sitting at his desk twiddling his thumbs trying to figure out what to do next. my first two rounds of test results were all off and together they didnt make much sense. I’m not hopeful that this last set of labwork will be much better.

I was remembering being in the hospital the weekend before my c-section waiting on repeat bloodowrk because the first tests came back abnormal. My bloodwork results never make sense. something will be off but I’ll either be feeling fine or it will be normal and I’ll feel crappy. it’s so annoying. My body is a mystery to everyone. I am hoping that maybe the test results just werent ready but I doubt that as he thought they’d be ready Wednesday afternoon.

we went to bed early last night, all of us. Dean was asleep by nine as were the boys. I debated finishing the laundry but gave in and was asleep around 9:30. I woke up at 1 am, or rather Caleb woke me up at 1 and I felt really awake, like it was time to get up. I finally fell back asleep and Boaz woke me up at 5:45. He nursed back to sleep and I slept til 7 when I showered and got ready for the day. All morning long I have been so tired. The last two days(before today) my energy level was doing better but maybe it’s catching up with me because today I’m feeling bad again.

some friends have offered to take Boaz for a day next week so that he could get used to being away from me and taking a bottle. I so dont want to force him to stop nursing and until the dr says I absolutely have to(and only if it means I will be really sick if I dont take the meds) then I am not going to stress over it. I have been trying to give him a bottle a day for weeks with no luck. Dean is going out w/ the boys tonight so I can decorate the cake so I’m going to make him take a bottle with him and try it. I’m hoping he’ll take it fine from Dean if I am not in the room or anywhere nearby.

well I need to get, Caleb is antsy from being in the house all day. we’ve done a ton of art work stuff today and he’s been fine but he wants me to play with him now so I better go tend to him. hopef everyone has a good weekend.

I am one of those people who love vacuum lines (yes I know I really should be evaluated for OCD, I have this problem about keeping a clean hous) and I tend to make the same rule for the grass. So I’ve been thinking for a week about how I can manage to cut the grass w/ two kids, with caleb last summer i was able to get it done by myself so I’d like to keep it up if I can. So today we went for a walk to the playground/park and Boaz slept. When we got home he was still sleeping in the stroller so I told Caleb we could play outside. He wanted to go out back so I figured I’d see if I could get the grass cut. I managed to just about finish out back before Boaz woke up, yes the strange child slept in the stroller on our porch and slept through the noise of the mower. So I finished up the little bit left and we came in. I love the look of a freshly cut lawn. So seeing our crappy looking front lawn compared to our next door neighbors freshly cut lawn I was determined to finish the front yard too.

So after bringing the boys in and finally get them both down for a nap I took the baby monitor outside and finished cutting our front yard. It looks so much better. i feel like I accomplished a great feat, having a 5 month old, an almost 4 year old and being ill yet getting the grass cut, after being out all morning then walking to the park and chasing caleb around(we were literally playing a catch me game) I love feeling like this. I love feeling like I can manage things, I dont know how long this will last, and as I sit here I’m wiped out but I’m doing ok. the lawnmower felt crazy to push because my hands were all tingly to begin with so after pushing the mower it felt horrible but oh well. Now Deaner doesnt have to come home after working all day to do it, I think thats one of my other main motivators, to do something he doesnt want to do or that takes up a lot of his time when I have all day to do it, even though it is harder for me to find a way w/ the two kids. It’s amazing how I can get both boys to nap for at least an hour of the same time, sometimes longer than that. I dont know if that will last either but I’m taking advantage of it as long as I can. I think it’s nuts when I hear people say any of their kids under 3 dont nap. Especially when people say kids 2 and under who dont nap. Naps are healthy and good for kids, unless of course all they’ve done all day is sit in front of the tv then well it’s pointless. but w/ our crazy busy schedules caleb needs his nap and I need the break too. yes it might be about me needing a break from him but he sleeps so good and he still sleeps at bedtime so no harm done. Sorry didnt mean to upset anyone who’s kids dont nap, but for me it’s a good thing and if they didnt I’m sure we’d all go nuts in the afternoon, or we’d all be grumpy which is the case if he doesnt nap.

well off to make some lollipop favors to go w/ this cake I have to do this weekend. I made some earlier today, on top of the other things I’ve done all day. it’s been a busy day but I tend to do better that way, it’s when I stop and sit down that I realize how crappy I am really doing. that is what makes my evenings harder. by the time evening comes I’m truly spent and sitting down to dinner usually makes my body want to crash since I”ve been so busy all day.

well I was hoping to hear from the dr this afternoon but I guess he didnt get the test results back as quickly as he’d hope, so I’m guessing we’ll get more news tomorrow. I am hoping to get out tonight either shopping or at least for a family walk, we’ll see how my energy level is doing in a hour!

Had a super long appointment w/ the specialist today. What I found out:

A. I have Hashimoto’s Disease

B. My bloodwork is abnormal (again! lol!)

C. drs are not always helpful

well, despite those things I also learned that we dont know much and that I once again need to wait things out. He believes my thyroid is now overactive but it working on reversing and will be underactive soon and may stay that way for months but could improve on it’s on. There is a chance after it turns underactive that it will stay underactive for the rest of my lfie. We cant treat the thyroid until my bloodwork confirms that it is turning to underactive. My blood pressure is high, really high, and they cant treat that until they figure out what to do about my thyroid.

Tingling hands is a normal symptom of thyroid problems, but a tingling face, mouth and other areas is not normal for this condition. The thought is that this is a neurological problem or a vitamin definciency problem. He ordered a ton, at least a dozen if not more blood work levels today and expects the results this afternoon. He was calling my neurologist to see what his take on things. I caught him say something about some calcium something or another level being off but he didnt explain what that might mean, he’s waiting on todays lab work for more answers. I hate waiting for answers. I hate waiting for anything really.

for the past 6 years I’ve been waiting to find out what is wrong with my body. I was misdiagnosed w/ menieres disease (this was before having kids) After Caleb I was on high blood pressure meds and had problems w/ ovarian cysts. I even had surgery 4 months after my c-section from him to check on cysts and remove scar tissue. After those problems I got diagnosed w/ pseudotumor cerebri and got that treated. A year or so after that was resolved I got meningitis which made the pseudotumor recur. that resolved in a few months and I got pregnant. (and had insulin dependent gest. diabetes) I finally was free of diabetes and suprisingly passed the post partum diabetes test. now we’re here, new diagnosis of thyroid problems and waiting to see what other condition is causing the tingling. it’s been a fun few years, lots of tests and not so many answers. My body doesnt like to work right and I accept that as my life. i just wish that doctors could do there job and figure out why my health is always an issue. I guess it’s my lot in life to have problems but as my mom keeps reminding me, I”m young. As a kid we went through years of testing to figure out what was wrong w/ my stomach and to this day they’ve never figured it out. I am praying that this time will be different. that this wont be just another misdiagnosis and that we can fix everything at once. I want the whole picture. I’m willing to accept the answers whatever they may be, but the not knowing is the worst. So while I was hoping that by this time today we’d know more, well we dont. we just wait, some more. At least today I’m feeling better, a little. the plus side of switching from over active to an underactive thyroid is that my energy will get back to normal. I may have other new symptoms but I”ll at least have the energy to deal with them!! well going to get this boys outside, it’s a beautiful day, no need wasting the day when I dont feel good. I’m sure a little sunshine will help us all! did I mention I got a nice tan yesterday from our zoo trip…I LOVE spring!

Hopefully by this time tomorrow I’ll be a little less stressed out. We, the boys and I, spent the day at the zoo today. I was really stressed about going alone, well alone but along w/ the preschool too. So we got there and didnt really get lost which is a plus. we were doing fine and dandy, got the stroller loaded up w/ lunch and baby junk and were walking along to the front gate when barely off the parking lot caleb fell and cut his knee. he was bleeding and screaming. nothing would comfort him. he wouldnt let me clean off the wound, then it got worse, he peed himself. he was so distraught he just went all over himself. So convincing him back to the car, where thank God I had a spare set of clothes for him(I made caleb grab his backpack that I keep packed w/ spare clothes just as we were leaving the house, guess God knew what was ahead for me!) was not easy. I finally got him to let me at least hold a wet wipe on his leg and he said that that helped and he slowly calmed down but held his leg and his shorts from touching his owie for about 45 minutes. then he found the strength to run and play with his friends.

It was a horrible thing though, me yelling at me kid to sit down and stop crying because he was bleeding and it was dripping down his leg. he wouldnt sit or even let me hold him. It was horrible. The yelling and grabbing that occured to get him back to the car for clean clothes was even worse. I felt like a horrible mom, but all I wanted was the kids leg to be better and for him not to be in pee soaked clothes. It was fun. Luckily the rest of the day was uneventful. Boaz was an angel! I even at one point had Bo in the snugli and pushed Caleb in the stroller ( up a hill !) Bo fell asleep like that until we got to the top of said hill where I was wiped out so since Caleb had gotten out of the stroller to see the animals I put Bo down. He managed to only need to nurse once, while the kids ate lunch. I made it home in time for his next feeding so that was good. Now the boys are asleep but I’ve got a ton of things to get done.

I’m not doing so good keeping up w/ the house lately but hoping after my appt tomorrow morning I’ll better be able to deal w/ my health and in turn eventually taking care of everything will be easier, once I start feeling better. I cant beleive I managed the zoo trip today so that’s good. Now that I’m home though all I want to do is sleep and it’s hard to even keep my eyes open, but it’s a good tired at least, not one where I’ve done nothing and I’m tired, like it is when I wake up exhausted even after sleeping for hours. well I need to get a ton of paperwork done for my appt tomorrow and to get caleb enrolled in school for next year. I’ll try to get up zoo pics soon but not gaurantees. I’ll update again after my appt tomorrow.

big weekend plans that start today. I’ve just finished up packing for Boaz and I, were are heading to a womens retreat this afternoon. I am so tired and am really worried about being sick while I am there. I dont feel great to begin with and was up last night with an upset stomach. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m trying to eat less because I always get sick if I eat, and it makes it hard to go places when you are always in the bathroom. At least there will be lots of women to help out w/ Boaz if I end up not feeling well. There’s a long break tomorrow afternoon so I’m hoping I can nap if I need to, although I’m sure I’ll probably go shopping w/ the ladies instead!

I have no clue what Dean and Caleb will do while I am away but I’m just praying I dont come home to a messy house, but I know I probably will. I did at least 6 loads of laundry yesterday so that wouldnt be sitting for me when I get back. I was getting really behind w/ that and the housework. The house looks decent enough for now and I have no energy to really put into making it any better.

I had more bloodwork taken yesterday and am hoping they get the results today and call me w/ answers. Last week I had the bloodwork on Friday and they had the results on Monday so I’m guessing it could happen that since I went first thing yesterday that the results will be ready today. I hate waiting all weekend for test results.

well I do need to get motivated so I can finish up some chores and head to the store and dry cleaners. have a great weekend everyone!

Around 5 pm today I told Dean that when he got home I was going to go to bed because I wasnt feeling good. Since then I made dinner, some very good chili that we both enjoyed. We went for a walk as a family after dinner. I uploaded pics here earlier. I cleaned up a little bit, sat here surfing the net while Dean cleaned up. The kids have been in bed since around 9 pm. Dean’s been in bed since 10 pm. I’m still sitting in the living room. I was in the kitchen for about an hour working on a collage for a project to prepare for the upcoming womens retreat. I havent got much done chore wise all day. I sit here at 11:30 at night wishing the house was cleaner, the laundry was done and that I was so freakin tired.

I’ve not lost the motivation to clean or do things as much as the get up and go to do it. My brain will think ok I need to clean but my body cant get up and do much. I’m definitely struggling w/ my ability to multi-task. I used to be good at this, keeping up with things. Slowly the house is coming to shambles, yet I know I cant complain too much because more and more each day I’m spending sitting on the couch vegging or trying to stay in bed longer in the mornings. I’m worn out and feeling defeated. I’ve known these feelings were lurking and I knew I was falling behind in my normal household chores but I cant seem to get out from it. So I sit here late at night thinking and worrying about everything, and the worst part is at this time of night there’s not much I can do without waking everyone.

Dean told me hours ago that he was going to bed. I should have been in bed hours ago, like I said I was going to do. I cant do anything I say I need to do or even want to do. It’s like nothing gets past the thought itself. I know some of this is due to my health right now but I still feel inadequate. I know I can be a better mom, wife, friend, but right now all I want to do is be alone and have nothing to do. I keep saying all I want is some sleep but when I get the chance to I cant sleep. Sure I’ll fall asleep sooner or later but it’s the getting there that’s hard. I cant shut my brain off at night and during the day my brain is in such a fog. It’s a cruel cycle and I dont know how to fix it.

For one I know I can get off of here and go to bed, but it seems pointless, laying in bed thinking or sitting here getting the thoughts out of my head at least. I dont know whats going to happen in the days, weeks, months to come but I’m so afraid of what could happen. I’ve been at this place before, getting sick, finding out what it is or could be, waiting for answers and help. The biggest thing I’m dreading is the affect on the boys. I felt bad enough when caleb had to sit by when I was sick so many times before. Now not only he has to go through it but Boaz too. This could make me lose my ability to nurse him and that’s one of my favorite things anymore. It’s something I didnt get to do w/ Caleb and I’m not willing to give it up so easily. sure I’d love for him to take a bottle but it’s kind of nice knowing someone needs you and that for once you can provide what they need. I remember the days when I couldnt take care of Caleb because I was too sick. it’s not that bad now and it may not be, but it’s the fear that it might be. I know now it’s hard but I’m doing my best to manage. I’m forcing myself to stay busy w/ the kids to keep going, it’s when I stop moving that I feel the worst. when I have the time to give in to it, I dont want to give in to it, this time or ever. I keep thinking if I ignore it it will go away, but after today I’m not so sure. this isnt as bad as things have been for me, but I dont want to have to fall back into this, the being sick and needing others to care for me and my children. I surely have learned my lesson, that I cant do this alone, that I need God and others. Why do I have to keep reliving it over and over again. Is there something I missed all the other times or is life truly cruel? I really dont need to face this again to be reminded of you God. I promise. So how about a break, how about this all being a big misunderstanding. Maybe you misplaced my test results and this symptoms arent really there. Seems like a lot of us are dealing with crazy health stuff and we’re all young mothers. We should be enjoying our kids and loving life. I am in awe of howCheryl is an amazingly strong woman and I wish I wasnt so weak. I read their entries about their health and think I know I have it good, this is nothing. it very well could be fixed in a few months. It’s the not knowing what comes next. Will this be easier than dealing w/ meningitis, pseudo tumor cerebri, meniere’s disease, diabetes?? can I handle another setback? I know I can and will, it’s just when you’re standing at the window looking out at the dark clouds and pouring rain it’s hard to see the break in the clouds, let alone the rainbow on the other side.