Wisdom from my walk

Last week despite a party that had to go on, I felt really sick and fatigued…as the weekend went on I felt miserable. I joked to Dean I was dying. I started to finally get rid of that bug and yesterday had my normal voice for most of the day but that was replaced by a killer headache and stabbing back pain. Since then I’ve come down w/ stomach flu symptoms and I really hate not being home and being this sick. Yesterday I was in tears at the zoo because I was in so much pain…it just isnt fair. I’m the pregnant one so things are hard to treat as is, but why cant someone else get sick, why is it always me?!?!? everyone else is upbeat and enjoying biscuits and gravy for breakfast, I just want to go home and be miserable in my own bedroom and bathroom! Yesterday several times I considered going to the urgent care because my back pain was so bad. luckily a heating pad and rest helped some but now this other stuff is making me miserable. I am always sick for thanksgiving week, can’t I ever get a break!!! ok enough whining…No plans today that I know of, caleb has tons of notions of what we should do, I’m hoping I can at least make it out of the house at some point.

When I first moved to Ohio, I fondly referred to “home” as Baltimore. that’s where I’d been born and raised and wasnt until love took me away that I learned theres so much more to this big world. It took a while to adjust to my new home in Ohio but Dean’s family was always there and supportive. I fit in and they accepted me. After a while Dean and I started searching for a church despite our hurts and issues with our past experiences of “church” we found the cincy vineyard and fell in love with so many aspects of the community there. during our time there I led a life group, worked in nursery, worked on the awesome media team learning things I didnt even knew I loved til I did it and eventually were particpants in a great life group of young married couples. we found friendships and were able to overcome the issues we’d faced in the past as far as church goes. it was a time of growth individually and in our new marriage. I remember exactly where I sat that first time I sat in a service and felt Caleb move in my belly.

last night we had the blessing of being able to attend the cincy vineyard. I was emotional knowing we’d get to go, in past visits we always just went to everyone elses church during our visits. I was grateful to get to go back finally. Last night we sat there being in awe of the “vineyard” experience, something that we always loved and missed. As I sat there I felt Baby E move and had to wipe away tears as I looked over to the section of seats where I remember sitting and feeling Caleb move in my belly when pregnant with him. The message last night was great and throughout the night I was reminded that this is our home, that family and vineyard and so much else about our life here made Ohio my “home” and since we’ve moved back to baltimore we’ve often talked about coming back. Last night Dean even mentioned to a friend that in a year or so he might look for a job here to come back to live here. he’s always looked at the job ads here just in case there was something that would meet our needs and make it financially ok for us to move back. I know that if we did that I’d miss a lot about Baltimore, friends mostly. but I do miss this place. being here is always such an emotional deal for me, memories of a past life, life when dean and I werent married yet, then our wedding here, then our first apartment together here, having our first baby here. baltimore held for me a much longer past full mostly of hurts and pain, memories of Ohio are just of fond times of discovery, growth and most of all the love Dean and I were enjoying as newleyweds and that we were able to finally feel at a church after years of painful memories of church experiences. Life is amazing.

a year after high school graduation I moved away to this strange place in the middle of nowhere just to be with the man I loved. i didnt know anyone and had nothing to look forward to but our love. We built so much during our years here, so much that has shaped who we are. I dreaded this trip for so many reasons, and although I am still feeling crappy, I’m coming to realize I ‘needed’ this. this homecoming of sorts.

we’ve spent days just in community with family and friends. stayed up late playing games and doing life together. I know Dean loves being a part of this family here. Dean’ parents home is like none I know. they house men who are recovering addicts and theres always someone new. the newest guy arrived days before we did but you’d think he was a regular member of the family. every guy fits in perfect with everyone else, there’s no way to know who will be here or when or how long but it’s always amazing. I used to have problems knowing that we’d be staying here, not knowing these guys and bringing my kids here to stay with them. the guys here now, well I’ve met them before and my kids love them. they are like family. it’s been good for Dean I know to be here, besides my MIL and I this is a houseful of men. Seriously, right now including Dean and my FIL there are 6 men who live here this week and my two boys. I keep saying I’m outnumbered, but it’s not been so bad. It’s just so different. I admit I get sick of “guy” talk but I guess I can get a glimpse of what I can expect when my two boys(maybe 3 even) grow up and come home. this is what I hope our kids can have for their homecoming when they are young adults, a home filled w/ love for each other and others. currently my MIL is en route to the ER , she’s been having bad back pain. we’re all on our own for church this morning and are heading to my SIL’s church. who knows what today will hold for us but I do know that it will be interesting…well time to go…sorry if this is all incoherent. lots of thoughts going through my mind today…

I might kill Dean, seriously. He was giving me some pills, which I thought were for upset stomach, and yes I knew I probably should not take them when preggo but I took immodium/maalox in my first two pregnancies so wasnt too concerned. but tonight when I asked for more he told mewhere they were on the shelf but all I found was claritin, or to clarify, loratidine (sp. is probably off) the name on immodium pills is loperamide, somewhat close but not the same. so instead of taking immodium twice today I had been given 2 doses of one a day claritin. I am so worried about how it will affect the baby but at least now I know why my stomach still is upset!!! I hope the baby is ok….ugh I am so upset…

I feel like a bad mommy, we didnt forget too many things when packing for our trip but once we got here and had that first grab the camera moment, we realized we’d made a huge mistake. we brought the digital camera and charger for the rechargeable batteries but the memory card is home attached to the device to upload the pics to the puter. So no digital pics, I couldnt let myself spend $40 at walmart on another when we have 2 sitting at home. we got some one use kodak cameras but it just wont be the same. no pics for the webpage of bo’s first birthday day. I’m bummed about it.

I really wanted to go shopping today, we used to always go shopping on Black Friday, my mom and I but havent in years due to my health usually. this year I should have no excuses, main one though is that we dont have the money to spend since we needed money for this trip and the new van when we get home. other thing holding me back was I got a killer headache yesterday and even after 12 hours of sleep, I was in bed when bo was last night and stayed in bed til 8:30 this morning, it’s still killing me. Tylenol isnt doing a thing and sleep didnt help, I really am concerned I havent had a headache this bad in a long long time. so needless to say no mad shopping at 5 am for us today despite my desire to save bunches on christmas presents. After we got Bo down for nap though I convinced Dean to join me at Fashion bug so I could use a coupon I have and get a pair of maternity jeans. I got a sweater and pair of jeans for $20!! it was a sweet deal and I’m so excited! My mil said I should have plenty of maternity clothes, and for the 3rd time I should, had I not lost 20 some lbs between pregnancies. All of my maternity pants are still swimming on me, I already bought one pair and I love them but I need more than one comfy pair. So I’m excited about my new pants and sweater, esp. since it was such a good deal. but that’s all the shopping I’ll do today.

we’re going caroling tonight as part of the festival of lights at the cincy zoo and it sounds fun. Other than that no plans today or this weekend that I know of. I am hoping my head feels better soon but if meds arent helping nor sleep dont know what else I can do to make it better. well bo is napping and Caleb, MIL and a cousin are heading to mcdonalds for lunch so dean and I have time to eat lunch in peace. this house is rarely quiet, which isnt helping my headache at all, so I’ll go take advantage of the peace while I can.

Just wanted to let everyone know we got here, Ohio safely. we left before 5 am this morning and got in shortly before 2 p.m. the trip went well, the kids slept most of the time, I read a great book! I started it during my one hour glucose the other day and read the whole thing today finished it up as we got w/in a few miles of Dean’s parent house. I hope to write up more about it later, some great qoutes in the book and Dean’s met the writer and overall it’s a great book so I recommend it…more on that later…just wanted to let everyone know we are here safely. it snowed during half of our drive and currently caleb is out playing in the snow in the yard. he’s one happy little boy; grandmom and granddad and snow! what could be better. bo’s content to discover his new surroundings and is being a sweetheart. I’m getting tired and Im sure we’ll be in bed early tonight but things are going well for day one!!

Doctors suck. Dean and I went today and sure enough they wont do a darn thing for me even though I’m the sickest of all of us, even Caleb. so both Caleb and dean got prescriptions and Dean is barely sick so here I am miserable and get no relief. I’m not happy to say the least. Since it’s just a virus and we cant do anything about it and the dr didnt seemed to think it should interfere w/ our holiday plans we are indeed going to Ohio. we’ll be leaving early early tomorrow morning. i just pray it’s a smart decision, I really dont feel up to it, but it’s stay here w/ the kids alone while Dean works or go there and let them enjoy their family there while i’m miserable. pray we get there safely and fast. i’m really not looking forward to it, but then again I wasnt that thrilled about going a week ago but what can i do. shouldntve gotten pregnant then I might not be so sick….dumb sex…..

Took Caleb to the dr , he has strep, the test turned positive immediately. So she recommended I go to my dr or at least since I’ve had all the symptoms even worse than Caleb. So I called my dr in hopes of just getting meds but turns out I need to actually be seen so my appt is tomorrow. No Thanksgiving trip to Ohio now, or at least as far as I’m concerned. Dean’s still holding on to false hope that we can still go. Bo’s been fussy all day and I wish I had asked the dr to look at him but he acted fine at the office, but once home all he’s doing is screaming again. I’m out of energy and like I said I’m much sicker than Caleb is except he’s the one w/ the fever. I just had chills w/out a fever. I didnt think much of the fact I kept losing my voice on Friday, just thought it was something that caleb had a few weeks ago, and I felt ok other than tired on Fridady and Saturday so didnt think much til yesterday and today when I’m feeling horrible. Last night my throat hurt so bad it kept me awake. So we contaminated a ton of people this weekend between Bo’s party and church on Sunday all because I thought I had a little cough and Caleb was fine until Sunday morning when his fever and headache hit w/ a vengeance. I feel horrible that we could have given germs to so many people but we just didnt know anything was wrong. Dr said Caleb should be fine 24 hours after starting the meds so now we just see how Dean and I do, yes now Dean is complaining of feeling bad too. …..