Wisdom from my walk

I am losing my mind!!!!  thankfully the BGE thing is somewhat better, for 11 months at least.   but today we got a notice that our ARM(adjustable rate mortgage) is going to screw us…so we refinanced from an FHA to a conventional ARM in June 2002, or rather DEAN refinanced HIS mortgage,(yes I’m still bitter that both times Dean was convinced it was easier not to put his wife on the mortgage) that was a mess, the refinance went horribly!!   so….the first 2 years the rate was fixed, but…as the paper so clearly reminded us, the rate will change starting now and then every freaking 6 months!! so our mortgage goes up by an additional $220 starting August!!   so new BGE payments, new mortgage, our property taxes go  up in July, we havent seen that new bill yet, I dont want to!!!    so the rate on the letter today is not even factoring in the new property taxes since that will effect our escrow, guess it’s good our homeowners insurance went down some due to not filing a claim since we’ve had it.   I need a job I suppose.  We are going to see if we can refinance again and get a fixed rate at least lower than the new rate, which get this is 10.37 %, that’s the freaking rate on the mortgage starting July 1st.   that’s a ton!!!   Since getting this house in 2002, our mortgage payment has gone up and up…..I cant stand it!!   I can see why people go into debt or live in poverty….seriously…this is going to take a huge toll on us…raised gas prices, raised BGE prices, raised mortgage, raised property taxes, what’s next raised taxes on the food we eat??what’s left??   more diapers…more wipes.. this was the worst time for all of this to happen to us….I’d go to work but then I’d have to pay a sitter to watch 3 kids….looks like I”ll be getting a part time weekend/evening job or Dean will work his more often.   BAHHHHH!!!  I needed MORE stres in my life right now…..

Bo has a fever now, 101 something.   but he’s acting fine….I noticed he was coughing a bit after dinner but that’s all.  I swear last time caleb had strep the pediatrician told me toddlers cant get strep, but everytime Caleb had it Bo would end up w/ ear infections and a runny nose, so I doubt he was right.   I guess if he’s sick in the morning I’ll be calling the pediatrician and trying to get them both antibiotics, dean’s already on antibiotics for something else so he’s safe, I really hope Zeke doesnt get sick!!!

not sure I’m ready for my first summer with 3 boys!!  Today Caleb had a 1/2 day of school and as usual on the way home he asks what we are doing today.  Sadly most of my answers lately have been I’m not sure, or Mommy’s sick so we cant go to the park or insert whatever he comes up with for us to do.   Today we came home and I put Bo down for nap so I have time w/ just Caleb, and Zeke, but he’s been sleeping off and on.  I’ll put some pics up later of how we spent our afternoon.  He’s been working on some workbook pages and is now painting a craft.   I told him we’ll go outside when Bo wakes up, but I’m dreading that since I’m so tired, but it will make them all happy.   I cant believe I’m a mom of a kindergartner!!  I think it’s funny, for a while this past year I was mom to a preschooler and toddler, now I’m a mom to a soon to be kindergartner, toddler and infant.   My role as mother is constantly changing as my kids do and so many times I just am in awe that I have 3 kids let alone a school aged one, then I remember Dean and I have been married for 8 years so it’s not that odd for us to have 3 kids but still.   A school aged kid, what’s next, college?  😉

Last week I had a parent-teacher conference with Caleb’s teacher. She’s a first year teacher, and a darn good one at that, so she met w/ every parent at the beginning of the year and wanted to do so at the end of the year. The only negative Caleb had this year was his attendance, the boy got sick, alot. She said she hopes next year he doesnt have to miss as much. I do too.

Yesterday my dr asked me why I had my tonsils removed. In my memory it was due to frequent tonsilitis, I’d get these horrible white things in my throat that made it feel like something was stuck in my throat, and in fact there was, those little white things, whatever they were. (later my mom reminded me it was due to frequent strep as well)I had my tonsils removed when I was in high school, I missed a few weeks of school. I ended up failing a college class, I was an over acheiver, I took college courses while still in high school because it was a speech class and I missed my final speech. by the time I was well enough to give it I forgot I had to and got an incomplete in the class. the plus side to getting my tonsils out, I lost a lot of weight fast…right before I started dating Dean again. In fact I believe he called right before or right after my sugery. but my memory might be off….

during my earlier years in school, while still an overacheiver I know I had problems with frequent stomach problems, so much so I had to get tests done of course they found nothing wrong. I know that despite my health I excelled in school and I know Caleb will too. I just wish they didnt make such a big deal about his absences, he was sick every time. it’s not like we let him just stay home because.

but yesterday when I woke up I felt horrible, the thing in the back of my throat, think it’s called the uvula or something, was very swollen and red. I couldnt talk and every word or cough felt like it was going to explode or something. (watching the season finale of House recently didnt help with my fear of it exploding either) It brought back horrible memories of after my tonsillectomy when after getting home from the hospital I hemorraghed and was coughing up tons of blood in the bathroom sink, my mom called 911 of course only to find out it was normal sometimes after surgery. I think yesterday the dr was wondering why I didnt get aednoids removed, as most kids do when they get their tonsils out, she mentioned I had strep recently, when Caleb did once. So now she’s concerned and I dont want to know what will she’ll want to do if I get it again, so I am hoping I dont! I really dont want to get my aednoids removed but if I ever have to wake up w/ my throat that swollen again, ugh!! i know its happened in the last year and it was just as painful, but then I didnt have 3 kids relying on me, I dont have sick time to rely on or a back up sitter so my being sick affects our family in a big way. But the more I think about it, this being sick as an adult thing shouldnt really suprise me, while I wasnt this unhealthy as a child there were definitely times when I was sick a lot. I was reading somewhere about strep yesterday and it said that kids get just as sick as adults when they get strep but that adults get bitter about and complain more, kids dont complain. I wonder if why I dont remember those frequent bouts of sickness as a child is because as a kid I got over it easier or it didnt bother me as much. or more than likely as a kid you have little or no responsibility, sick meant not having to go to school, that was a good thing to a kid. as an adult being sick for me means I cant take of my kids, thats tough to handle, physically and emotionally. and as often as I get sick now it’s been very emotionally challenging to me, knowing I had children that I feel I cant take care of most of the time on my own. I hope one day I will look back and that I will have forgotten how hard this is on me and my family, and I really hope my kids dont remember mommy as always being sick.

I just want my kids to grow up to be healthy and to enjoy life to it’s fullest, I want to be a good example to them, but it’s hard when I just dont feel good most of the time. I admit I’m trying a lot harder to fight feeling bad, or just ignoring it when I can, but I wonder if they still know, if they can see under the facade, kids are smart like that you know….well it seems I’ve jumped around alot and dont know if this entry makes any sense, but hope it does!! I’m sure you’re forgive me for not making any sense!

I have strep throat…Made Dean stay home because I couldnt even call to make my own drs appt, I could barely talk.   Not to mention I feel horrible.   Talked to her about the other stuff, you know the old symptoms that they dont know what to do about, and she said she is going to consult w/ some of her colleagues and another dr she knows and then she’ll call me.   I’m going to eat some soup and go to bed, I havent been able to eat since lunch yesterday because I felt so bad and now drinking is hard so I’m going to try some soup.   what a way to start the week…

So I felt bad when I woke up this morning, sore throat, Dean convinced me it was because we slept w/ two windows open in our room and the air was cold, I tend to get a sore throat like that sometimes.  So it got worse so I took motrin.  pain went away.  while shopping w/ dean tonight I got the chills, bad!!   I could barely get myself out of the van when we got home.  came in, made him take care of the kids and crouched under a blanket and fell immediatly asleep, I woke up and now have a fever, 102.2!!   I just had this a few weeks ago and felt like I was dying, remember I said I almost went to the ER?  but w/ that I had vomitting and diarrahea, I’m scared it’s on it’s way….PLEASE PRAY!!    I feel horrible!!  Dean has to work tomorrow of course but I think I’m going to go to the dr since i just had this and felt like I was dying, freaking non working immune system!!   the plus side of today, well kind of, we went shopping for bathing suits, they were on sale and I had a coupon!    but I am depressed at the size I had to buy, a few sizes above my current jean and shirt size, which makes no sense to me…..I was hoping to go to sleep and wake up feeling better, now I want to go to sleep and not wake up until I”m better…irony…we had communinion at church this morning one of my prayers was of course healing, for everything, now I feel like dying….I am not so happy….so again, GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

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