Wisdom from my walk

please pray for us….things are looking a little better now than they were a few hours ago.   sadly I know some folks are praying we dont move, which is wrong in my opinion…we are moving and we have faith that God will provide even in the midst of struggles.   knowing at the end of this we’ll have our family together, a job dean enjoys, and this house is good but it’s so hard while we wait for things to work out.  the important lesson we keep having to learn is that our timetable is not the same as God’s.  everything is happening for a reason and we’ll get by/through it all.   I’m very thankful that our basement is barely wet despite horrible rains that have left the yards around us looking like rivers are flowing through them.    it’s nasty outside today, raining and windy but there’s a warm breeze blowing through our home, a refreshing breeze.  earlier today I laughed to myself at the weather, I was thinking it was mimicking how I felt, that the clouds were crying w/ me..but I couldnt cry today.   it’s odd how that has happened lately.  sometimes I let things so overwhelm that I just cant get through without crying all day.  today it took a lot to bring me to tears, mostly seeing my husband struggling so much with all of this.  I do have faith. it’s very hard.  and anymore when it’s just one thing after another I’ve learned that that usually means big things are in store for us, things we couldnt even dream of as we endure the struggles to get us to that point.   it’s amazing to know that even when the day seems to be going horribly that there is hope.  to know that this is just another thing, it’s always something I say.  always something…sometimes lots of things at one time, sometimes big challenges by themselves.  it’s one of those months around here again.  we go through this alot, these seasons of struggles.   I spoke w/ my grandmother today and it was so great to hear her comforting words.   I dont often speak w/ my grandparents but knowing they’d raised more kids than us and had done so in times when things were a lot harder to begin with, I knew we’d be ok.  I knew she was right.  I’m grateful for my family, I really am.  I am really glad that we are together today as a family, that we didnt have to deal w/ these things alone.    I guess God knew I couldnt take much more bad news by myself so maybe if Dean’s gone for a few weeks at least nothing worse will happen!  wishful thinking!  :-)  um..maybe I should make him go away before I talk to my dr tomorrow!  no..it’s probably best that we deal with whatever they do or dont know about my diagnosis together.   trying not to stress over that, and I’m really trying but sometimes I just wish I was healthy and didnt have another thing hanging over me.   oh well..this was meant to be a more promising entry..but there I go getting all gloom and doom again…so off to refresh my spirit with little boy hugs and kisses…these kids keep me going that’s for sure.   they have no clue what we’re going through to insure a happy healthy bright future for them….and I hope they never have to…I just hope they can see how hard we are trying to be good parents…

just what we needed…massive rains threatening a wet basement, right now it’s dry but if it keeps falling at this rate we’re screwed…

doh dean just came up, water is coming in a little bit…great just great!

on a good note… Dean had signed up for marriot rewards since he was staying at a marriott for so long in Ohio and we have enough points for 5 nights at a hotel for next week…so the kids and I might get to be with Dean for thanksgiving!!  but now the van just needs to get fixed….

still no word from my dr.  I’m going to wait til tomorrow to call them if I havent heard from them by then.

I woke up feeling really bad.  I got up showered, got the kids ready for the day and started doing some chores.  Dean got up took Caleb to school and then he and Bo went out to buy a salvaged part to fix our van to save us some money, lots of money.  I cleaned, did laundry, put Zeke down for nap and laid down myself.   when the phone rang I still felt crappy but at least I felt like the day was going well for me since I had gotten things done and had some rest.   Then the bad starts…..the part Dean got for $100( a new part costs $500) wasnt right so we need to decide if we can spend the $850 to fix it right now.   I called Dean on his cell since the shop called here and he said he was having the worst day.   His work told him they recieved his expense reports and would reimburse him but that that he has to be at work on Monday and has to pay his way from now on.  so that hotel room and airfare to get back to move is now gone.  I dont know how we are going to make it work now.  as long as working was paying for the transition we were ok financially.  I dont think we can do this any other way.   He was in tears and said he’d call me back. I finally got him back on the phone and convinced him to come home so we can deal with decision making together, he had gone back to the car shop to see what he could find out from them.   so not sure we’re going to ohio for thanksgiving or even if the move will work now….this is a major blow to us and I dont know how we’ll manage.   so we need to fix the van. and figure out how to get dean back and forth to ohio for work and then our move.   should be fun!   at least his family is close hopefully he’ll be able to stay there to work.  I’m sure he’s majorly rethinking even going back to work there now though.   major prayers would be appreciated…. in other news…I’m hoping to hear from my dr today about my test results.  i think if I dont I will call her since I feel so bad.   but I might wait, dont need any  more bad news today…

I want another baby, I know you must think I am nuts.  As if 3 busy boys and moving isnt enough.   This week we had what most folks would call a “scare”   I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  Dean was relieved and I was actually upset about it.   The irony is for months we had no worries about being pregnant, Dean had a vas. and my reproductive system was going haywire so we knew I wasnt going to get or be pregnant.  So we knew that if I was pregnant it would be a miracle.  When discussing having more kids we agreed financially we shouldnt.  but a part of me is so sad.  I get a little jealous every time I walk by the maternity stores.   As I watch Zeke crawl all around the house and sitting up all by himself, I know that my days of having a baby around are numbered.   Dean thinks this is why it bothers me so much that we arent having another.  that as the boys grow up I’ll crave their baby stages.   it’s true I’m sure, but theres so much about another child I’d like, but I know it’s not healthy, for me or the child.

Bo is having some odd symptoms, I am really concerned that he may be diabetic or having thyroid problems.  we are going to wait until his 2 yr old well baby check unless things get worse, but I am so afraid that the kids will develop my bad health.   as we await this new diagnosis for my current ailments I am scared that my boys (as they get older)will spend time and money in and out of drs one day because I passed my genes on to them.

well I have to run….the house was quiet, Dinner was cooking, Dean, Bo and Caleb were outside and Zeke was asleep, but they all just came in and the timer for dinner is beeping at me.  so back to the craziness.

and it’s just about that time….for more craziness!!   got an estimate on fixing our van, that we havent driven in about a week since it was overheating…it’s going to cost $846 to fix.   Umm..not gonna happen.  we have spent way more money than the van is worth in the last year, basically since we got it, and that’s just nuts.  we are hoping when our home sells to buy a new to us(used) van.   we cant do that yet due to the cost of buying a home and moving, so what do we do??  I think I might just stay home from Ohio instead of going this weekend and next for thanksgiving, that way we can buy a few weeks until our move to figure what to do about a van.  the kids fit tightly in our car, we’ve been using it to get around but Dean’s been the one getting caleb’s seatbelt buckled, not sure how i’ll be able to when he’s gone.  last week I just let him sit up front even though it’s not safe.   I just dont know what to do, I cant justify spending money to fix it, I couldnt the last few times we’ve had to fix it either but we needed a van.   I wish we could just buy a new one.    so didnt need more stress right now….

Went to see the endo. today, he said I definitely have a goiter on my thyroid but since my bloodwork levels were fine that he said they will just retest my levels in 6 months.   I also passed my glucose test, well mostly.  I didnt “fail” completely, my fasting was high which means I have impaired glucose something or another, and am Pre-diabetic.  If I lose weight and exercise regularly he thinks I can prevent full blown diabetes.   other than that nothing really worth noting about the appointment.   still waiting on the results of my test I had on Friday.    I am trying not to think about it, but when my arm really hurts I wonder.

Dean is working from home today.   I am ready for a nap, I get so worn out after my appointments, or after anything really.   so I’m hoping that when Bo gets a nap I will get some rest too.    Dean went to Caleb’s school for donuts w/ Dad, from 7:30- 8 this morning, glad they dont have things w/ mommy that early!  when he got back I got ready for my appt and he hung out w/ the little guys while I went to the dr.  now he’s working, and I should probably clean up and work on laundry, but I’m sooo tired!!

Thank God that’s over!! I just wanted to let everyone know that I didn’t find out much from my appt and test today.   He said we’ll know something more next week and did some additional blood work to make sure things weren’t getting worse than they were last week when I had it done.  When my other dr told me that I had an elevated CK level last week I said ok, and she said it’s not bad enough to hospitalize you.  I just assumed she was being funny, since my other dr has said that to me before, about my thyroid I beleive.  But today my neurologist had gotten a copy of the other drs notes but not that labwork so he asked me if I knew the number of how high it was, I said no but repeated what she’d said.  He in turn said that’s good to know.  I said I thought she was kidding, he then explained that if that level is too high they do hospitalize you and flush the toxins out of your bloodstream.  DOH!!   So he redid the bloodwork today to make sure it’s not getting worse, I didnt think it was that big a deal until today. So  they are trying to narrow down what is wrong, right now all they are saying is that they think it’s a muscle disease and they are trying to narrow down just exactly what kind, which apparently is a painful process!   I am so glad that test is over with! that test was pretty painful, I was in tears even at some points.   they did an EMG and a nerve conduction study or something similar.   the second part was easy, just odd feeling.  the emg was ok except I was already in pain,I never looked at the size of the needles, that probably helped too.  so they stuck this needle in my already aching body, then pushed it in further and made me move that part of my body, needless to say some parts of it really hurt.   overall it was better than I expected,  but the few places where I’ve been in the most pain it was pretty bad, and it’s still hurting now worse than it was before I went this morning.

and because what fun would a day like this be without car problems, when on my way to the appt the van started to overheat as I got to the hospital’s parking garage.  I went to my appt since I figured after it cooled down while I was there it would be ok.  but on the way home from getting the kids it overheated again.   just what we need now, a non working vehicle.  I’m going to drive our car tonight, with Caleb in the front passenger seat since all three dont fit in the back.   hoping the car acts ok, it had been acting up too but we havent used it a lot so we were hoping it was just because it’s been sitting unused for a while.

as always, fun things for the McKenzies.  Dean comes in late tonight, hoping I am asleep when he does, but it’s been hard for me to sleep through the pain, and especially fall asleep with all the pain I’ve been in.  we have no plans for the weekend, but we’re excited it’s going to be great weather so maybe we can get out and do fun family things!  —like raking the leaves in the yard!  🙂

have a good weekend everyone!!