Wisdom from my walk

sorry for no updates…I am sick. the kids are feeling better finally but now I’m miserable, or more miserable than I was. so not going to write anything meaningful, sorry! hope everyone had a great christmas!

If I didnt know better I’d say I have split personalities. I suppose in reality it’s the result of who I want to be and who I am. I often think back and wonder who I was and how I got to where I am today. pre-Dean ( I love to think of my life that way! ) I was a different person, and somedays I am glad for who I’ve grown to be. I’m much more outgoing and open, although it’s hard for me. it’s not my normal personality, it’s something I’ve grown to do. It’s hard for me not to worry, it’s a family thing, a curse I believe. Truly, a horrible horrible curse, like an addiction that you cant rid yourself of. I honestly believe that I’ve had a breakthrough in the last few months, ironically shortly after Dean getting laid off and him leaving us to come work here until we found a house and sold ours. but some days that worry comes back over me in waves and I have to fight it, but more often than not I’m much more carefree than I was even months ago. A miracle if you ask me!

today was week 2 of visiting a new church. I had my reservations before even going last week, I had read their webpage and was filled w/ nothing but awe for the folks and the way they were choosing to live out their lives like Christ called us to. but it was scary, these were people doing something I could never dream of, living out community, every single day. living in house churches. years ago when my mom left our then church there was lots of talk of house churches and our pastor taught us how wrong it was to leave our church in seek of something else. that’s left a sour taste in my mouth, but for all the wrong reasons. So it’s not that I dont want to accept and consider going to a house church its that the guilt from what I was told years ago still nags me. are we doing the right thing. how can there be so many forms of christianity, what if we choose the wrong “church” and teach our kids the wrong things, and they grow up to have a sour taste in their spirits because of what we did to them.

I so desire to find an authentic community. our church in maryland had that, but nothing near the community dean and I desire. this holistic, truly “doing life together” mentality. but how do you live that out. how do you abandon the culture around us and better yet get rid of the fear and guilt of the things we were taught. and it’s not that I dont agree with different styles of “church” it’s that I’m afraid to screw it up. I’m afraid to screw my kids up. I dont want them to get in their 20s and have to figure out their faith, I want to teach them to be strong in what they believe, even if it’s not what we believe. but how can I do that when I cant even do it myself.

So today we went to church/, I didnt even question today where we would go. last week I really hoped to go to the vineyard we went to before, it was safe, comfortable. easy to get lost in the massive crowd, although when we used to attend we never failed to run into folks we knew from our life group or elsewhere. today I knew where we needed to go. we needed to go back, I needed to figure this thing out, I needed to get past my blinders and find out what this group of “house churches” was all about. I got a few answers afterward, as we ate lunch w/ strangers in a house that several families live in next door to the church. but more important is what I got during the service. worship, the word, and in the end a feeling of belonging. words given touched my heart, things spoken that had meaning only I needed to hear at that moment, words that brought tears to my eyes, not in pain or guilt or sadness but in joy, in joy that I have a hope and a faith that surpasses where I am or what I’m going through, that no matter where I am that my Father is meeting me there and will guide me.

it’s going to be a hard thing, finding where we belong and our purpose here but I’ve got hope. I’ve got hope that if anything this is a time for me to overcome the things I am holding onto in my heart that were placed their by misguided leadership years ago. what I need most right now is a place for me to strengthen my faith and to learn more about what I beleive and why I believe it, to figure it out for me, and to not say “because that’s what I was taught” i want to beleive and TO KNOW that I am beleiving based on God’s word and am doing what he’s called me to do, not what others think I should be doing. feels like I’ve been at this point before, but I feel so conflicted in my spirit and I dont like it. I feel like somethings happening and I need to be aware of what it is but I cant see past this, whats right in front of me. I want to be open and willing to accept whatever he’s calling us to, but I have felt for months that Dean and I arent on the same page about what that is, and for the most part that’s because we dont know, and we may never know but the important part is that we live each day trying , striving to do the things we should be doing. and that we raise our kids to do their best. and as my MIL says, maybe they’re just doing their best. and maybe that’s all we can ever do, is if we all just do what we think is right and try our best than what else is there. we cant fault others for doing things when they are doing what’s right and the best for them at that moment. help us all to be accepting of that in others. help me to be accepting of that in myself and in others.

today I did my best. I stepped out and into a community and I dont know what will happen next but I know I’m trying and thats the best I can do today.

**in other news..the kids have ear infections, Bo one ear is infected, Zeke has double ear infections, have been on antibiotics, but it’s a fight to get bo to take his. Zeke is amazing, despite being sick he is still all smiles and the happiest baby in the world, I beleive God has blessed us with this easy going baby because he Knows I couldnt handles anything else at this point in my life. with my own health issues I couldnt imagine having a fussy baby to add, esp. on top of the terrible twos of a certain middle child in our household. I need to find a doctor this week, the cough that I’ve had for over a month now is getting to be too much for me to ignore and my pain meds arent helping as much for my other pain so I think we’ll be finding me a new dr this week. I had a dream this week, it ended with me in a wheelchair, but that’s not even the worst fear nagging me lately, but I was reminded today that no matter how bad my health gets, I still have hope for a future, and I know God will provide for me and my family, I dont know how I’d get through this without that faith and hope.

did I mention our van broke down…..it’s not working at all since Friday, died while we were taking the kids to the dr.

life comes at you fast…there’s a commercial that says that…in our experience it comes fast and all at once, but it’s always so awesome on the other side of things….things are great, really great….considering……I cant wait to see what the next day, weeks brings…something big is coming our way and I dont want to miss out on it.

Dean and I sat by the fireplace last night wrapping Christmas presents for the kids. it’s not even christmas day yet but I feel like this is the best Christmas season I’ve ever had, and I’m saying that, with two sick kids, being really sick myself, having a broken down van in the driveway but life goes on….months ago I wouldnt have said that I would have been overwhelmed by the broken down van, sick kids with no health insurance currently….with life coming at us fast, but I’m not overwhelmed, I’m joyous even, overjoyed that Dean and I are here together doing life together and as a family we’re doing good.

well speaking of doing life.. got a busy day, I just had a lot on mind and havent had time to blog so I decided now is better than never, even if those cookies need baked and I need to get food for our christmas dinner being held in our new home tomorrow!! dinner tonight at my SIL’s house after going to their church….gotta run..

internet access that is…I am soo spoiled I know.   but being away from everyone and having no contact with anyone while Dean is at work makes for a lonely momma so I was dying to connect via email and checking friends sites….I will write a real entry about everything later on…just wanted to apologize to all who have emailed with no replies, I havent gotten my email for almost a week now.   so more later,  right now gotta go feed the kiddos, they’ve not been waking up til 8ish which is sooo sweet!!  they must love the new house as much as we do…more on that later….so much to share..so little time

I feel like crap, but thanks for asking….

busy packing and dealing w/ the munchkins….

so far we have 2 1/2 empty dressers, 2 full wardrobe boxes, 3 beds unassembled, TONS of packed boxes, empty kitchen cabinets, empty bathroom vanities, empty energy levels….

I really need a vacation to someplace sunny, warm, childless and when you arrive you automatically feel healthy!!   sounds like heaven, but I think there are kids there…

it’s a little past 5 and I just want to go to bed.. too bad it’s not going to happen anytime soon…

I really must say I will miss my doctors, at least a few of them.   My rheumatologist and my PCP are great, they are both younger woman, probably even not much older than myself.   I love them both honestly, as doctors and people.   They are great.   Today I saw my PCP.  I was only going to make sure I had new prescriptions with me in case I need refills before I get a new dr so I’d be covered w/ the meds I need.   But..a few days ago I started to have a lump under my arm.  It progressively got bigger and more painful.   I was thinking, great another great symptom.  I wasnt going to mention it today but it hurt so bad I couldnt not.  So of course she says if you werent moving this week I’d have you go see a surgeon at the end of the week to take care of it, it’s an abcess and needs drained, but it’s in a place she wont do it because there’s a nerve closeby that she doesnt want to chance hitting.  So….she gave me a prescription for antibiotics but said just so you know this works for most people BUT since I know your history if you get a fever or it gets bigger go to the ER ASAP and tell them you need it drained and they will cut it open and take care of it, but that she hopes the meds works because if I have to get the surgery then I wouldnt be able to do anything w/ my arm for a few days because I’d have an open wound that would need redressed frequently.   geez, and you wonder why I hate to go to doctors!!  I mean I may like my doctors but I’m at a point w/ these two doctors that they know me and my history so well that they feel comfortable and wise enough to warn me that I am not normal and that my body probably wont do what it’s supposed to in response to the meds so she wanted to make sure I knew what to do if things get worse and if I was on my way out of town.   I’m glad I’m prepared for the worst but I am so sick of talking to my doctors and hear them saying the word ER or hospital.

the worst part of my visit to the dr today was sitting in the waiting room honestly.  I go to an internal medicine office, for those who dont know that means generally most of the patients are elderly.   I used to work in an internal medicine office so believe me I know!   So I sat there, 27, knowing I was on just as many meds as these old ladies if not more.   there was this older woman w/ a walker, being escorted by her son and her personal nurse.  she didnt look that ill but I could tell she wasnt “there”  I started to wonder when I’ll get to the point that I’ll need someone to take me to the dr.   a few weeks ago when I went to the other dr she asked if I had someone bring me, apparently from how I felt when I talked to her over the phone she thought I shouldnt and wouldnt be driving myself.   I am young, I want to be able to enjoy it.   I dont want to need a nap before 10 am….or be in pain all night and most of the morning…and throughout the day even after taking my crazy amts of meds.   Most of all I dont want to have to depend on others to take care of me.    it’s not a good week for me to have to think about my health but it keeps coming up as I try to finalize my treatment w/ my drs here.   I’m scared of what the future holds for me.   I’ve always wondered if I’d be around when my kids get older, I wondered today if I’d live long enough for my sons to take me to the dr.   I dont want them have to have that burden, yet I hope I’m not alone when that day comes.   It reminded me of how hard this move must be on my mom and I’m glad she’s healthy enough right now that I feel confident that she’ll be ok without us around.  it might be hard emotionally but she’s physically healthy enough to be ok.  I dont look forward to the day when my kids have to take care of me, and I’m afraid that day might come before too long.  I’m afraid that that day will come before my own mom is that sick and old, not that I want her to get that way, I just think a lot of my family will outlive me and it’s scary.   It’s scary when your dr says your body is fighting itself,   one day my body is going to lose that fight.  when my dr told me last week that I’m not going to die anytime soon, I knew in the back of my mind that that really means that one day my body will just stop fighting.
i guess until that day comes I’ll enjoy my boys and do my best to take care of them in hopes that they wont feel as burdened when they have to turn around and take care of their sick old mother, or young sick mother….

sorry for the downer.. but it’s a rough emotional week, and facing my illness doesnt make this any easier.   I’m kind of glad we’re moving, I dont want my family to have to sit by and watch me to continue to be sick and maybe even continue get worse or to have to come take care of me.  I’d rather have to hire someone to help me than have my family bear the burden of seeing me deal with whatever may be in my future healthwise.

both of my drs are confident that I”m going to a place that’s good medical care wise, that if I was moving to the middle of nowhere Ohio they’d worry, seriously, my dr said that today, but she said I am going someplace that has the technology/resources I’ll need.

well, I need to stop procrastinating….there’s lots of work to do….

as great as going to a new house and being w/ my hubby is, I am dreading saying goodbye to everyone.  today is the last time we’ll see a lot of folks, at church then at a going away party hosted by my friend tonight.   My stomach is in knots at the thought of doing this today, I hate this!!  well I guess I need to accept that this is happening, in a few days we’ll no longer “live” here.   it’s so hard since we still havent had time to pack and probably wont start until tomorrow.   but did I mention how nice it is to have Dean home?? the kids are happy about it too.