Wisdom from my walk

it’s been snowing all morning.   we loved our house already, but our snow covered yard and community is beautiful….at least since it’s sunday and we can just stay home and enjoy it!!   we have a few inches already.  the kids are excited, hoping to get some pics taken later.

dean and I had our date last night for my birthday.  it was great.  the show we saw was interesting as always is for the theater we went to.  I have loved our recent chances to just be a couple and not just mom and dad.  I was in serious need of a mommy break, and have gotten a few this week.

I am still feeling lowsy.  the new meds arent helping.  in fact through the night last night I felt particularly out of it, it was kind of scary.  well I need to find snow gear for the kiddos to wear.   more later….

we had a late night last night.  Dean’s co-worker, wife, sister and their baby came over to play games.   Their baby is just a week or so older than Zeke.  Zeke had only had a half hour nap so we put him to bed right before they arrived, so they didnt get to play together.  but their baby stayed up and played while we played.  she was adorable!!  I love getting to enjoy little girls sometimes!  we played with our new WII for a bit, taking turns playing elebits and tennis.   then we played some “real” games.   they were here til about midnight!  it was fun!

Last week I was telling Dean I was hoping we’d move here and I’d be able to make friends and not have to mention my health.  that I’d be healthy and wouldnt have to worry about it, but as we were playing the pain got really bad again and I mentioned it to Dean and they heard me so I had to tell them about it.  I guess there’s no use hiding things, not the best way to start a new friendship huh?   but I would have loved to have that not be a part of my life.  I dont want people to feel sorry for me.

I felt bad but I really needed a social night, and having two ladies around helped!  last time I met his co-workers wife I told Dean how much I’d like to get to know her, we’d have a lot to talk about so it was pretty easy to talk to her again last night.   that makes things easier.   she’s a stay at home mom too so that’s cool.

today we are going to sign caleb up for soccer this spring, the options are volleyball, baseball or soccer.  Dean and I want him to play soccer but let him choose between baseball and soccer and the other day he told me he’d think about it.  this morning when I got up he told me he wanted to play soccer.

well I’m in the midst of a ton of things, the kids are keeping me busy, I’m tired and miserable but I’m letting Dean sleep in so he can be energized for later, plus I’ll take a nap when the kids do later and he doesnt take naps!  we’re going out to dinner and a show tonight at the theater we used to work with.  I’m really looking forward to it.  yesterday after my drs appt. I met w/ Dean for lunch then went to his office for a little bit to hang out.  it was so nice just to be me again, not mommy.  I need some more ME or ME and Dean time instead of always being on Mommy duty.   well I gotta run…bo’s getting into trouble.  what was I thinking, getting ME time to write while being on Mommy duty!?!?

saw the dr this morning.  She thinks I just have a stomach virus that is going around, I am not convinced but oh well, she gave me a prescription to help my stomach.  I havent been able to eat in days without getting sick, not even toast or a banana.   I made the appointment yesterday because I was getting to the point of being in so much pain from being sick and my other symptoms that I couldnt take care of the kids.   My SIL took the kids last night, Bo and Zeke, they spent the night and we’re picking them up later today. I was hoping to get them sooner than later but I feel much worse in pain now than I have all week which is dumb because my dr in Baltimore called in a new pain medicine for me yesterday and I started it  yesterday but today I feel worse?   So I am not doing well today.  I havent been doing well for a week or two but now it’s much worse.   She said if I dont hear from the new rheumatologists office by mid next week about scheduling an appointment to call them back.   waiting on the whole referral and junk to see a new dr here is driving me nuts, esp. when I feel so bad.  So my new regular dr gave me another pain prescription to hold me over, she said it’s not the best way to treat my condition but that she hopes it helps me feel better until we see what the new specialist says.   so it’s a short term plan, I hate that, but all I really care is that it works!  I cant keep struggling to take care of the kids.  I’ve been sleeping so much or at least laying in bed at every oppurunity the last two weeks because of how I’ve felt.   since the kids were gone I slept in this morning, which was nice but I feel so guilty, and ashamed that I cant take care of my kids.   pray the new meds make me feel better so I can get back to being supermom, or at least able to care for and enjoy my kids again!!  at least its Friday….hopefully by the end of the weekend and the new meds I’ll be feeling much better!   praying that at least!

anyone want to move in to help with caring for the kids?  if I dont feel better soon or the doctors cant help then I am seriously going to look into part time care for the little ones.  I feel like they arent getting the best care because I cant do much with them.  we just stayed cooped up inside all of the time.   oh well…the kids have check ups next week, hoping they are doing well health wise at least!!   I also feel guilty they got my genes…if I had known how sick I was going to end up being I dont know if I would have had kids….I dread what they could get because of all the sicknesses I have.

blah sorry for being so down…one of those weeks, days, months…whatever…things will get better…I know, they always do, but this struggle is getting old.

I wish I felt happy.   Last night we got some new furniture, that made me momentarily happy.   I am not doing so well healthwise.  I hadnt been doing that great then ran out of my one pain medicine and since we still had no insurance info I was trying to wait it out.  we finally got insurance info on Monday so Dean went to drop off my prescription to get refilled, well as of today the insurance still wont foot  the bill for it and it will cost $186!!   we’re not sure what the problem is with the insurance, I hope to deal with that tomorrow.   I need to find a new dr too, so that’s part of the problem the script is from my dr in Baltimore, hoping thats not holding it up.   So..I havent had that medicine since Monday, I thought the only problem would be the pain but since yesterday I got really sick, thought I might have the flu, but turns out it’s withdraw symptoms from stopping that medicine.  guess when it says dont run out or stop abruptly should be taken seriously.

so dean and I were going to go to dinner tonight but I am still too sick.  Food makes me worse of course and the pain has gotten almost intolerable.   so not sure what the next step is,  I tried to get online to look at drs on our insurance but since I have to use the real computer not the laptop it’s harder w/ the kids.  they keep getting in trouble and the puter is in our room which isnt kid friendly enough for them to play while I look online.   so now Dean and the kiddos went out for dinner leaving me here to rest.   too bad I cant call and schedule a drs appt now, the house is quiet finally!   hoping I get a chance to make calls tomorrow for a dr and about the medicine.

so no updates really, typing hurts my arms and hands, well just sitting does that!   please pray that I feel better soon!   I had being dependent on meds to get by, but the fact is even on the meds I am in pain so I need to see a dr to see what happens next.  I admit I’m depressed.   Being alone here all day and not feeling well will do that to you.    on top of things Dean lost the keys to our car so we have one vehicle til we find them, yup we’re crazy , only have one key for our car no spares at all.   so today Dean had to pick caleb up from school.   it’s always something!

other than me, the kids and hubby are fine.  dean is getting stuck w/ the kids more by himself when he’s home and I feel bad about it, but I dont know what other option there is.   so he’s tired more than usual.   caleb likes school.  bo is getting so smart, and every now and then decides to use real words.  zeke is a little trouble maker in the making, he has two masters to watch so I expect life to be fun in the coming months and years w/ the three boys!!

well it’s been a blah birthday but at least I’m getting time alone and time to write….now time to rest…that’s all I really need/want today…

wont be updating or checking email much for a while, my laptop is on it’s last leg….not sure when we’ll be able to get a new one.   so no internet access all day…blah!   I’ll have to wait to share Dean’s work one when he gets home so sorry if I dont respond to emails.

we’re waiting for our realtor to email us the paperwork for us to sign, we’ve got a deal so far as verbals go, we just need signatures then they move on to starting the process for the new homeowners.  I’m so excited!! not only will we be able to pay off the old mortgage but we’ll have some money to save and hopefully go towards a new van.   wohoo!!   Praise God!  we havent even paid the first mortgage payment on this new house yet, it’s so nice to know we wont have to worry about two mortgage payments.   Pray everything continues to go smoothly and that this closes when they want it to, they are aiming for Feb 2nd!  It’s kind of sad though, knowing we’re losing the connection to the house that Dean’s parents owned, lived in and let us buy from them.   it’s also an end to being able to go back, I felt like it still wasnt real until it was all finished, and soon all of the loose ends of moving will be dealt with.

I kind of want to be the one to go back and sign for closing so I can visit again, without kids, but we’ve really got to figure out what is the best thing to do since there are some things we left behind so Dean is thinking about flying out and driving a small uhual back w/ what we left.

so glad this buying/selling houses is almost over.   I so hated the whole process!!   at least this part should be much easier for us, I feel sorry for the new homeowners, I hated all the paperwork!

we counter offered the offer on our house…pray they dont walk away from this…we really want this to be the ONE.