Wisdom from my walk

it’s a done deal. we no longer have a “home” in Baltimore.   I’ve come to tears over it today several times, probably hormones and the fact I’ve been off one of my meds for more than a few days.  Ironically I got a call this afternoon, 2 weeks after calling to get it refilled, that the insurance finally decided to cover it so it was ready for me to pick up.   I hope it kicks in soon, knowing it probably wont.

just so any one who reads cares, I havent been able to read any blogs in weeks, so I dont know whats going on with my usual reads lives, it’s sad.  I hate not knowing how everyone is doing!!  Karen -just got the time and availability to catch up on yours, and will call this weekend!!

Zeke is sick.  he’s sleeping again, he already took 2 2 hour naps today.  he’s got a horrible cough and runny nose.  he just looks miserable.   he just sits and stares blankly, it’s very sad.   I knew something was wrong when he started to want to be held, usually he hates to sit still long enough to be held.   bo’s been throwing up frequently again, but in a suprising twist since his eval for speech on monday he’s talking much better!  now if he’d just stop throwing up…yesterday the poor kid made it to the bathroom on his own and was trying to get the vomit into the trash can (which is right next to the toilet) but managed to end up with it all over the floor.  I was in the other room and wondered where he’d gone off to and found him there throwing up on the floor, at least he’s learning where to go if he knows it’s going to happen, sadly today he awoke from nap and threw up, less than 20 minutes after he’d fallen asleep.

well Dean’s got a friend over to play games on the new big screen tv.  I’m drinking a glass of wine (my newest bad habit, heck my only bad habit that I know of,  i told Dean it was wine or cigarettes or I was going to lose it so I’ve given in to a glass of wine in the evenings if I feel the need) and looking for furniture online.  I cant wait to get our new king bed and eventually van!!

hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Today I went to the moms group at church.  The kids played and had fun, someone actually got Zeke to fall asleep in their arms and he was sleeping when I picked him up.   the group meets from 10 am -12 pm. every other week, childcare is available at $5 per family.  (pretty good, 2 kid free hours x 2 kids).  I got home from group, pulled into my snow covered driveway, then into my 2 car garage.  Unloaded myself and our junk into the house before going back out to get the kids.   As I walked into the house I felt such a peace wash over me.   This is our home.   A home so perfect in so many ways.  The morning was so perfect, despite a lot of not so great things for me physically.

as of tomorrow evening we will no longer own our home in Baltimore, someone else will.   I kind of wish we had planned to go there to see the house one last time, it’s now been completely repainted head to toe so to speak.   friends helped us by emptying the rest of the stuff out this week.   They took some pics but we havent seen them yet.

Yesterday Dean spent his work yearly bonus on a big screen tv, 42 ” of pure joy for he and the boys when playing games, watching tv, what have you.   I could care less really.   I am anxious to have the house sold tomorrow.  The van keeps driving oddly, we are counting down the days til we have the money from tomorrow to put down on a new van.

so much going on…I really needed to write last week, a few days ago…so much to say…little quiet time w/ me and a puter to do so.   I am just taking a quick minute to now since I felt the need to get these feelings down before I lose them, as I will.  My mind is a mess these days.   I swear I dont know which of my kids is which, I get their names wrong frequently.  this past Sunday while grocery shopping I had a list, would look at it walk a few steps and forget waht I was looking for.   I am having serious issues healthwise, dont want to think about it really.  trying to keep busy so I dont have to.   but every flight of step is pure pain for me.  I can barely get up and down the steps without falling if I am holding Zeke.   it’s great really….

things are good, things are bad….but one thing is for sure…life is good.   God is good.   and with each challenge a new strength is gained.  I realized that this morning at group.  I’ve learned alot having been through so much w/ my health.  A lot I dont even realize until someone says something that makes it all so clear.    and today was one of those days.   I am an emotional mess this week too, darn hormones and illness will do that to you.

tomorrow ends that chapter of our lives.  the final closure to the move I suppose.   yet when I talk to my friends on the phone, it’s like I just saw them yesterday.  I miss you all and know we’ll be back to visit soon!!!

sorry for the random back and forth of topics…but that’s how my brain works these days.

back to the hustle and bustle of being a stay at home mom…a job I struggle with but really do love.

Bo had an evaluation for speech therapy today.  They send us the report in the mail and then will call us after the insurance lets them know if and how much they will cover.  But she did say she is recommending that he goes 1 time a week for an hour and is referring us for occupational therapy as well for his sensory issues.   so we’ll need to get an evaluation for that soon too I suppose.   We know his hearing is fine and that he understands a lot, its his language and speech that are the problems.

I went to the dr this afternoon after having a horrible weekend.  Several times I considered going to the er because I was in so much pain.   I figured I’d wait til today and save money and go see the regular dr.  it too was a waste of money.  I wish we were in Baltimore with the doctors who know my history.  this dr doesnt want to treat any of it, she wants a rheumatologist to make the decisions.   I made an appt with one for a week from today, but it’s not the dr I want to see.  so when I got home the other drs office who I have been waiting to call to schedule an appt with finally called, get this…so my dr sent them a referral saying I need to be seen asap.   so the lady says she can get me an appt on Feb 28th.  I cant believe that’s the first asap appointment.  it’s so stupid.   I dont know if I should keep my appt for monday w/ the drs I dont really want to go to or wait it out for a few weeks to see the other one.   all I know is that i feel horrible and I dont know what I can do about it.  my dr today did give me another RX for pain, I’m already taking a ton.  this will be the 3rd time I’ve switched meds since being here.  I just want to feel better, soon.

Dean stayed home this morning to help w/ the speech evaluation appointment and I asked him to take the day off so I could go to the dr this afternoon.  After he gets caleb from school I’m hoping to get a nap.

Zeke is getting some teeth this week so he’s a little fussy.   Caleb has a runny nose and cough and is grouchy.   I am grouchy from feeling bad.  Dean is grouchy from putting up w/ all of us and having to do double duty w/ the kids and cleaning up since I’ve been trying to rest while he’s home this weekend and today.  so it’s fun around here lately!

it’s freezing outside too!  and it’s chilly in here too….well gonna go so I can find a blanket to cuddle up w/.

I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES. dont know why I was waiting until we got insurance to get medicine since the new insurance wont pay for the meds I’ve been on for months.   I have one pill left and if I cant get it worked out I’ll start going through withdraw in about a day after taking that med and I really need that medicine too so it’s not going to be fun to be me or be around me if the insurance wont pay for it.   I have to wait 2-3 weeks for the new rheumatologists office to call me and schedule me and appt, and who knows how soon after they call me I’ll actually get an appointment.   I am in pain.  only advice I was given was go to the ER if it’s that bad.  but not like they’ll do anything for me, since no one knows what’s wrong w/ me.   if I cant get this medicine I will probably admit myself in a day or two to make someone do something to help me feel better.   I’ve been in tears all day.   I need to pull it together though, Caleb has an appt this afternoon.  Dean’s co-workers wife is coming to watch the munchkins while I take Caleb to the dr.  I’m supposed to be going to dinner w/ the moms group from church tonight but I feel so crappy.   well I need to go call my primary dr to see what if anything they can do for me.   the pain meds she gave me last week arent helping, if anything the only thing they are doing is keeping me up at night.  so i cant sleep well on top of already being worn out….I’m so done with being sick!!!  oh well…like I said…gotta pull it together…gotta busy afternoon ahead…

I want to really write a good entry…but I am sooo tired!!!  today Zeke is 10 months old… I took him for his 9 month check up today.   dont have his “Stats” in front of me, i think he’s gained just about 2 lbs since his last appt, 4 months ago.  but he’s still in the 20th percentile for weight so she wasnt too concerned.  he’s in the 75th precentile for height, 29 1/2 inches I believe.   I think he weighed 18 lbs 11 oz. yeah, that’s right.   so a tiny guy weightwise but pretty tall !  he did great getting his shot and a blood draw today.   no major concerns w/ him, thankfully.

after Zeke was finished being seen the dr asked if I had any questions about the other boys, so I had her check Bo’s ears.  he’s back to throwing up a lot again.  he might just have the stomach bug I had last week though, hoping that’s all.   but I also asked her about his speech and how to get a referral for a speech evaluation.  so she tried to get him to talk, and of course the only thing he did say was jibberish.   so she agreed it wouldnt hurt to get him checked so he has an appt for an evaluation next Monday morning.   he talks every now and then, says some things clearly but most of the he doesnt.   he will pull you by the hand to take you to do or see what he wants and that gets to be annoying, especially w/ two other kids to care for.   it amazes me this child who doesnt speak well knows how to go to the bathroom by himself and says pee when he has to go to let me know.  crazy actually.

well I am worn out.   Caleb goes to get his hearing rechecked this Thursday.  tomorrow I get to spend the day catching up on laundry, our dryer which has been on the fritz for months in Baltimore finally died.   we didnt want to leave a crappy dryer there and we didnt want to have to buy one right away when we moved so we’ve been using it and it finally started destroying the clothes too badly to be worn again and started making really bad noises.   so…yesterday we went and bought a new one, one that has a sensor so it will stop drying when it senses that the clothes are dry..to save energy!  I’m all for that..and i think it is a little bigger inside than our old one.   i really wanted this 1000 dollar one but I settled for a cheaper one than that…one day though..I mean I do so much stinking laundry…

so last week new furniture, this week new dryer..in a few weeks when we sell the house we start looking at a new van….things are definitely looking up financially….now if on the health front we were all good then things would be great!!

well I didnt want to write much but I’m waiting on Dean to get home from getting some groceries for the rest of my beef stew recipe so I can get the slow cooker ready this evening for tomorrow’s meal.

hope all are doing well….

wow!  there was a deer in our front yard just now.  dean and caleb got pretty close to it, had Bo been quieter I am guessing they could have gotten even closer.  got some pics I’ll try to post of it later.  was pretty cool!  bo was scared of it, Caleb was so excited.   he wants to make the yard a “habitat” for deer and other animals.  I’m just not used to having wildlife in such close proximity to our home, at least it’s not harmful animals!!  so far…

what fun!!

Dean & I today

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