Wisdom from my walk

They say you should “be careful what you wish for”. In the last year I’ve wished, or rather, prayed for certain things. Some of the most common requests are for health, restoration, and the guidance to know what is next as far as ministry and career. In the last year I’ve found renewed health. My marriage has been restored. As a result of those answered prayers, I’ve realized without those first two the third would never happen.

If I’m too unhealthy to work or serve then what use can I be? If my marriage isn’t stable or healthy how can I expect to help others who are struggling? This last year has been full of struggle. Physically, emotionally,and spiritually. When we pray for health, we often expect miracles. There were no miracles this year. My healing came after I worked hard to improve my health and take care of the temple, this body, that God gave me. We are called to be good stewards of all He gives us,including our bodies. I wasn’t being a good steward with my temple. The result was I had a frail, worn, and broken temple.

I wasn’t focusing on building up my marriage. The result was that the devil was slowly working to destroy it. The signs were there, and I even saw the effects of it but felt helpless to fix it. It wasn’t really a miracle that fixed my marriage, it was faith that God would provide even when I didn’t understand how. The months leading up to the moment where our marriage began to get repaired were spent in prayer. I prayed for God to help Dean and I focus on each other. That we would have a renewed commitment to one another. Ironically I was praying that God would help protect us from temptation. The words for these prayers amaze me when I look back at what has taken place in our marriage in the last year. God protected our marriage, but first the walls had to come crumbling down. Sometimes you can’t patch holes in a cracked foundation, sometimes you have to tear it down and start over. I think that’s what happened this year, in my marriage and for my health.

Sometimes we pray for what we think we want or need but don’t have a clue about the whole picture, but God does. He knew I needed healing, but He also knew I wasn’t doing my part to take care of the body he’d given me. He knew my marriage was in trouble, but knew there was nothing I could do to fix it. The only way for it to be fixed was for it to break, or rather for one of our wills to be broken.

So next time you pray for something and don’t see the answers you expect, remember that God sees the whole picture even when we can’t. His way of fixing something might seem a lot harder to us, but sometimes it’s necessary for us to find wholeness, restoration and joy. If you are in the middle of a struggle and are praying for God’s help, know that He may have already answered your prayer by allowing you to be going through what you are now. What can you learn from the experiences you are facing? How can you grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically; even in the midst of the difficult times.

C.S. Lewis says, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” What is God trying to say to you as you suffer pain or difficult circumstances? Are you listening or are you just expecting a miracle? Take time today to listen as He desperately seeks to get your attention!

“You’re the God of every story,
You see each tear that falls.
We may not understand but one thing is certain.
You are faithful, You are faithful.”

Last night in a meeting I attended, someone mentioned the need for an emergency disaster plan.  As I thought about times when disaster has hit our home, our marriage, our health, or our family I remembered what we did.  The first step, aside from getting to a place of safety if needed, was to call our closest friends.  We would then ask them for help or sometimes just talk through the situation with them.

We are blessed to have people in our life that we know we can call in the middle of the night if needed. Some of those friends are close by and others live further away, but when disaster strikes they are the first ones we turn to for help.

This reminded me of the importance of sharing life with others.  If we didn’t have these friends in our lives what would we do when trouble strikes? Who or what would we turn to for comfort?

The people we know we can rely on when we need help are friends we have committed to sharing life together with over the years either through small group events, frequent phone calls or emails or even just keeping in touch despite the geographical distance.   My closest friends have at some time or another in our past been in a small group with us.  Some more recently than others, but those bonds were established and built over months and even years of growing our friendships.  We know that we wouldn’t have weathered through years of struggle without a strong community of friends walking the journey of life with us.

When disaster strikes in your life who can you call? Are there people in your life you can depend on no matter what time it is or how far away they are? If not, what can you do to build relationships that will grow into lifelong support for you and your family?

We’ll be starting a community group that meets in our home in a few weeks. If you are local we’d love to have you join us.  We believe community groups allow people to build relationships that transform lives.  We’ve been blessed by the benefit of having friends in our lives that support us and we’d love to share that gift with you!

It’s the last day of 2013.  It’s time to sit down and reflect on the year gone past. This year you’ve likely followed my journey towards health on facebook, my blog, or in real life.  You know that a big part of this journey has been about casting off the baggage of years of bad habits.  The truth is this journey has been about a lot more than just poor eating and lack of exercise.

Earlier this year I was confronted with a harsh reality in my marriage. Addiction comes in many forms, and something I’ve feared came true in my own home.  This year not only did I break my addiction to food, but my amazing husband severed his own bonds and broke free of a major addiction that threatened the health of our marriage.*  Not many people know about this struggle, but we’ve been fighting an unseen battle for a long time.

Having the foundation of your marriage and home shaken makes you question what else in your life is not as solid as you once thought.  In attempt to regain control of the chaos in my life, I took the chance to hit the reset button on my life.  Looking back, I know that one struggle caused me to fight another.

I’d been coasting by for the last 15 years in the shadow of lies, told to me by the one person I trusted the most.  My self esteem took a sharp hit and I floundered under the weight of the pain.  This is not the me you see today when I post pictures.  I have let go of that pain and that person.

So how did I get from the deepest pit to standing on top of the mountain in just a few months? I locked arms with my husband, my Savior, and got on my knees.  I prayed for the strength to endure every day.  Eventually I asked for extra strength to conquer my food addictions.  I asked for more strength to learn to run. I asked for the strength to let go of bitterness and anger. I asked God to help me see the beautiful woman He created me to be.  Today the woman I am is not who I was a year ago, not even 6 months ago.  I will not be the same woman today that I was yesterday.

Sometimes it takes an earthquake to force us out of our homes so we can see the danger around us. This year we’ve had many things force us to rethink and re-prioritize our lives.  None of it was easy. A lot of it hurt more than I can ever explain.  Many of you don’t know that part of my journey this year.

I was too scared to share it with anyone because I didn’t want anyone to know how my heart had been broken by the person I love the most in the whole world.  The dust has settled and today I woke up and realized that my journey doesn’t end when I get to the mountaintop. There are lots of you down in the valley, struggling through unseen battles alone.  Fighting battles only you and God know about.  I encourage you to not do it alone.

I know our story isn’t unique. Marriages break and sometimes are irreparable. Today I want to tell a new story. A story of forgiveness, love, and grace.  A grace that helped us break not only the bonds of addiction, but to repair the brokenness it caused.

This year in addition to shedding 60 lbs from this weak vessel, I shed years of pain, brokenness, and despair. I claimed rights to the health, happiness, and joy that God was waiting to lavish on me.

I know that even as I anticipate great things in 2014, that there will be more tests, trials, and suffering.  It’s a given. Life is not easy.  When you see me posting my successes, know that each one was paid with a price.  I post my successes, and here my struggles, because I know that it’s hard. I want you to know that you too can break free from the past.  You can change your present and your future.  I’d love to walk alongside you on that journey.  It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

*If you want to know more about the struggle we faced this year, we’d be happy to talk to you about it.  We believe that stories have the power to transform lives.  We would love to share our story with you.

I have a little problem.  When things are going well I can find joy in it and celebrate. When things aren’t going well I quickly spiral into a deep well of negativity.  This week I’m extremely stressed out. On top of that I am sick. Too much to do + little energy – not enough time = overload.

I’ve tried to push through it but several times I’ve lost my cool with Dean or the kids. Even worse is the way I talk to myself.  The scale isn’t moving this week. How do I know this? Because my other little problem is being a slave to the scale.   Several times this week I’ve told myself I’m going to get fat and am getting fat. Truth is I’ve not gained a single lb or even parts of a lb. In fact, the scale has moved by .2 or . 4 any given day. It moved down, not up.  Instead of taking this as a sign that I’m doing ok I immediately wonder what I’m doing wrong.

Being unable to exercise today and yesterday makes me worry even more about meeting my goals. Today I sat down and looked at my goals. I was thinking a different number in my head as my next goal to meet. When I saw the scale not moving I freaked out. Today I realized that I have 2 weeks to lose 2 lbs to make my current goal. That is very doable.  Assuming I get well and can exercise again soon, which is an easy assumption to make.  I haven’t gained weight at all.  I’m not getting fat, but in my head the scale not moving made me afraid. I am afraid I will gain the weight back.

This last week has proven that if anything I can maintain my weight loss. Even if I don’t lose another lb, I’ve been able to consistently maintain my weight. That in itself is a huge success.

So today I am trying to remind myself to not let setbacks ruin my dreams.  Even more so I need to not let that negative voice in my head affect me or my family.  It’s a constant struggle, but I think admitting it is half the battle. I’d love you to hold me accountable to being kind to myself and others.

Christmas is only 19 days away.  it’s the same time every year, yet it always sneaks up on us. Every year we say we will budget for it so it’s not as stressful, but with just one income you are only ever one emergency away from losing it all.  This year has been tough. I stopped working in January.

We got through the initial loss of income by withdrawing Dean’s 401K money.  The more medical things that came up the harder it got. I had surgery this year and the doctors office wouldn’t do the surgery without us paying our deductible up front. On one income that’s tough.

Point is, we’ve been struggling. I’ve shared this with some close friends, but this might be news to some of you.  The mortgage has been late more than once, one of our credit card bills is months behind.   Dave Ramsey says its better to pay your mortgage and feed your family before paying creditors so that’s the route we take, the first thing to go unpaid is usually our credit card we don’t even use anymore. it has a balance but not paying it doesn’t’ really do much except make them call us more often.

The last few months I’ve been able to earn some extra money doing some work for friends, basically doing cleaning jobs.  This is hard on my body but its helped keep us afloat.  With the holidays, we knew the kids would expect gifts under the tree. A few weeks ago when we were looking at the budget we realized we weren’t going to able to do Christmas this year.  The bills were backing up and we refuse to go into debt for presents since that will just make the problem worse.

I have been applying for jobs, sending out at least one resume a day to job postings.  I had one interview scheduled but that ended up being a waste of time.  As we get closer and closer to Christmas, my homework was piling up, and so was my stress level. Today is pay day. I was working on balancing the checkbook and was going to try to figure out what could and couldn’t get paid and how much if any we had to use for Christmas gifts.

At some point Caleb said he was going outside so I asked him to grab the mail. I opened an envelope that I wasn’t expecting.  In it was a check.  The amount really doesn’t even matter. It’s more than enough to put a few gifts for the kids under the tree and maybe some groceries so we can pay other bills with Dean’s paycheck.  I was in tears.

I hate being dependent on others for money. I hate admitting that we are struggling.  I’m not working, but it’s not for lack of trying. I’ve been putting my resume out for at least a month, I check job ads several times a day and send at least one resume out a day.  Finding something part time that fits my needs is difficult. I’m in school. I need a job that lets me be there for my kids and keep up with my homework. I need a non-physically demanding job.  This seems nearly impossible.  For weeks I’ve spent more time looking for a job then on my homework.  Because of this gift today I can take a break from job searching until after the holidays so I can focus on my school work and my family.

Earlier I said I don’t work. The truth is I don’t usually work for pay.  Every now and then I work and get paid. I spend the majority of my time serving others, doing homework, and exercising.  For me, those things are more important than a paycheck.  But, they don’t pay the bills.

I long to be in full time ministry one day,but I know that that may not happen. For weeks I was trying hard to apply for jobs that would give us the financial security we needed. When my interview was a bust earlier this week I realized maybe God was telling me to stop trying to meet our needs.  So I kept looking each day at job ads but really made it a non-priority. I started praying more.  I know God has a plan for me. For now it’s serving my family and others.

Today’s financial blessing allows me to do that, at least for a few more weeks. I am praying God will continue to provide and guide me as to what’s next. For now I’m going to keep focusing on what he has given us and the tasks he has put before me.

As I sit here looking out at the snow, I realized I’ve spent the whole day today inside. I have been still a lot today.  While sitting and being still God provided a miracle.  I think I’ll try to do more trusting in His way, which is better than ours, and stop trying so hard to make things work my way.  His way is always better than anything we can ever imagine!

Today is going to be a difficult day in many ways. So like any good mom I got out of bed (despite the pain), put on my running outfit and shoes, and woke the kids up by telling them if they got ready fast enough I’d take them for donuts!  They did just that and we all enjoyed a delicious unhealthy breakfast, but my muffin was reduced fat so that counts for something right?  Then I dropped 2 off at the elementary school and 1 at the middle school.  Then I headed to the track. I knew I didn’t want to overdo it since my legs are still complaining about Monday’s run, so I took it a little slower and only did 1 mile but I did it.

The most important part of mornings like this is that when I hit the track it wasn’t to lose weight. Today’s run wasn’t even about teaching my legs a lesson. Today’s run was about me getting alone with God.  For me, my best prayer times come when I’m outside communing with nature.  For a long time my back yard was my prayer spot, until the devil got smart and ruined that for me.  (that’s a whole different story).  So, I have found that when you are running all alone at the track you are alone with your thoughts and if you listen hard enough, with God.  Because as you run, every breath is his gift to you. As you run, every step is a gift to you.  The beautiful view around you is his gift to you.  The ability to find time, let alone energy, motivation, and have the mobility to run or walk are his gifts to you. So I often enjoy spending my running time in prayer.

Small tangent, the owl in that pic on the right, well that’s an amazing part of the story but I don’t want lengthen this much more. But I honestly believe sometimes God shows up to us in different ways that let us know he’s there. For me, God almost always speaks through nature.  Thus my affinity for being outdoors in prayer.  This morning this owl was my reminder that I’m never alone. Take it or leave it, but for me it was a gentle reminder to push through the craziness of life because God is always watching out for me. I’ve had other experiences with owls before in my prayer time so I’m pretty sure there’s a special meaning to it, but I don’t want to seem to fanatical since some of you might find that weird.  😉

I asked God to speak to me today. I’m under a lot of stress and I can’t control very much of it. What I can control I do or as well as I can, but there’s much I can’t. Today as I finished up the mile I realized I didn’t really hear anything, but what I saw and felt were enough at that moment.

I walked back to the car and stood outside the van to stretch. As I stood there looking at my reflection in the van door I heard a still small voice ask “Who is she?” It’s a question I’ve been asking for a long time and been unable to answer.  I’m no longer a stay at home mom really since my kids are all in school. I am still a wife, although I can sometimes fail at being a good one.  I am a student, for another few months. I am a volunteer. I am a worker, sometimes when people need my help.  But those are all things I do, not “who” I am.

Today I have a job interview.  As I think ahead to questions they might ask I need to know who I am and who I want to be. In all honesty I don’t want to be an employee, not here and not this way.  I am exactly who I want to be right now. A mom, a wife, a student, an athlete (ok I exercise everyday so that’s the best word I could come up with), a volunteer, a leader, a daughter, and a friend.  But who I want to be and who I need to be are two entirely different things.

So who is God asking me to be? Who does he think I am? Those are the questions that matter.

Another thing that matters is if your life reflects those things to other.  Sure we aren’t supposed to care what others think, but if they see in us things that are not living up to godly standards then it does matter.  So today I challenge you to think about it. Are you reflecting a Christlike character to others?  Do your priorities align with your values?

Today I took my kids for donuts but later I’ll try to convince them they need to exercise today. I’m sending mixed messages. I say health is important but I continue to feed myself unhealthy choices. Are you feeding bad habits? I know I am. I know what areas I’m struggling with.  I’m not happy about it and it’s going to be hard to fix it, but I want to be able to look in the mirror and know I’m doing the very best I can to be who God has called me to be.  What is your reflection saying about you today?

I finished week 2 of Slim Series Express today. I’m exercising for 28-35 minutes a day 5-6 times a week, the results have been amazing. In the last two weeks I’ve lost 7 lbs, 3 inches off my waist and 2 inches off from hips. Total inches and weight loss is below:

I’m really excited about my progress throughout the last few months. My current goal is to lose 10 lbs before Christmas since I met my Thanksgiving goal weeks ago. I’m only 3 lbs away from my Christmas goal. If things keep going this well I’ll be setting a new Christmas goal soon!  Gladly accepting donations of size 12 clothes!