Day light savings time isn’t affecting us too badly this morning. Caleb’s been sleeping in his play pen in our room for a week or so now, ever since he had that horrible flu bug and now since he’s having trouble breathing w/ this cold. Its nice because he can wake up see us and be comforted back to sleep. He usually calls out mommy daddy until one of us answers and we say night night and he’ll go back to sleep. It wasnt until 8:30 this morning that he really started trying to coax us up to get him some juice. But if he was in his room and woke up he would scream until someone came to get him. So this arrangement is nice because he’s not taking up space in our bed w/ us but he’s close enough to comfort by just saying hey we are here and he can see us right there w/ him.
Dean and Caleb are up and out already going to get Dean’s brother so he can go to church w/ us. Then they’ll swing back by here to get me, I am supposed to be getting showered and ready, but I couldnt resist a quiet kidless house that I could blog in!! After church we are heading to the shore for a birthday party for my brother and his son, their birthdays are tomorrow, the 7th. As is our friend Tronsters‘ too! So happy early birthday to everyone!
I think my best friend got married on Friday. Talked to her on Thursday, tentative plans were for them to go the courthouse Friday around 3, not sure which courthouse or anything. I guess I should even stop saying my best friend anymore. Because once you’re not invited to a wedding where you were supposed to be the maid of honor then I guess you’re truly not important to the other person anymore. I know she may read this and I could censor my feelings but I dont want to. I am hurt by her selfishness and I feel if there is something bothering her or if she just doesnt want us involved in her “new” life then all she has to do is tell me. But I dont think just bailing out on a best friend is the thing to do. Even if it wasnt me. I mean I cant think of a single thing I could have done wrong, but then again, I probably didnt. Sure people can get wrapped up in wedding plans and moving, but if theres anyone you should be calling for help it should be your best friend, you know the one you asked to be your maid of honor. Okay, enough ranting on about that. I just wanted to make it known that I did try, how many times to you have to call and give well wishes and offer help and support and get rejected before you just give up on the relationship all together? Well thats the point I am . I’ve been through this before. Sadly enough w/ my own father. People in my life tend to screw me over despite my nagging attempts at being supportive and of uncountable random acts of kindness. But like I asked, at which point does one just stop giving and stop caring. Right now I’ve given up on a relationship with my father. I’ve given up on a relationship w/ other lost friendships I’ve had. I am ready to give up on my best friend. I love her dearly but I cant handle another heartbreak. On the verge of all this heartbreak, I must go be social w/ my fathers family at this party today. I love them dearly but the fear that my father himself may show up spoils any attempt for fun I might have today. I love my father. Last night I had a dream I got a phonecall saying he was dead and that the morgue needed me to come identify him. I told them I couldnt possible do that because I dont remember who he was or what he looked like. I will never truly be able to forget what he looks like, my brother and I are spitting images of him. I hate that, but its a constant reminder that I do have a father, even as uninvolved and as unloving as he is. I awoke this morning half believing that the dream I had was true. It’s often that I will dream things that happen shortly thereafter. Not sure how it works, but it does. I pray this isnt so. Even though I may have given up on trying to have a relationship w/ him for my child and future childrens sakes I still pray that a miracle happens and he truly becomes the changed man he always try to say he is. And I pray that I too change and can become more willing and open to new friendships and that I do better managing them than I have in the past. It’s hard though to put time and energy into a relationship knowing my record of abandoned and failed friendships. But I know that God can change me and my heart and open the door for great new friendships to grow. Growing evidence of this comes every Sunday and Tuesday as we go to church and meet w/ our small group. We’re making a lot of new friends, but at the same time I dont want to lose the friends I already have, or at this point, I had.
