Today I went into “work” at church.   I like to call it work, # 1 because it is actual “work” and #2 I like to think I have something real to do every once and a while!   But…it’s not a paid gig, other than the free childcare, which really is a good deal when it comes down to it.  So basically I went into my volunteer job today eventhough I felt pretty bad.  On the way there there was stopped traffic on the highway so I took a different exit and went a longer route to avoid sitting in traffic since I was already nearly falling asleep, but I guess others took the same way I did so I still sat for a while in lights and traffic!   I got to work late and felt even worse than I did before I left, but I figured at least I wouldnt be doing anything physically engaging like taking care of two rotten toddlers, so it would be helpful for me to sit and do some work on the computer for a while while I could enjoy the peace and quiet.   After talking to my boss, who I like to think of as becoming a good friend through the process, I went to the desk where I usually work.   It’s a desk w/in the office where the normal church employees work but this desk is empty and is generally used as needed by volunteers.    Today I walked up to my cube, yes, I even go as far to call it my cube because I spend all of my time there when I’m there, and thought I’d been replaced.  Or at least that my desk had now been occupied by a real employee and that I’d have to find another empty one, I thought this because there were plants and a nicely decorated bulletin board and the space was nice and neat and had lots of little decor of personality strewn about.   I figured whoever it was wasn’t obviously in then so I’d sit there since it was only my short day today so if they came in I’d leave and find another computer to work on.

But a little while later my boss came over and said ” oh yeah I forgot to tell you” vand I interrupted( i have a bad habit of doing that to people…that’s a skill I really need to work on) and said yeah I figured I’d stolen someones desk and would have to move eventually…..” she explained that it was indeed my desk and that she’d made it homier for me and that I could add anything I wanted to the space.  So basically she’d decorated my desk and made it so nice just because!   I couldnt believe it.  It was sooo cool to know that she wanted me, a lowly volunteer, to feel at home amongst all the paid staff.  folks who make me feel so inadequate, folks that when I walk by make me feel like I’m in the wrong place….simply because they all do so many great things, their jobs alone are ones I’d only dream of being able to have one day.    to be able to call this place your “work” is a great privilege in my mind, and I’ve told Dean time and time again how much fun it is to work there, and all I do is volunteer.   to be at home amongst people who call the ministry their full time job……I love our church for so many reasons and being able to feel so invited and welcomed into their “work place” makes it even more awesome!!  thanks Claudia!

As I left I knew I’d needed that…that one another “bad” day I needed to feel needed and cared for.    I slowly made my way to the kids and got them into the car and realized the drive home was going to be another challenge for me.   I have been so tired and my head so fuzzy and overall just plain out of it that I dont think driving is a good idea but sometimes have no choice.   I called Dean and begged that he come home early so I picked him up on the way home and as soon as he was in the car I closed my eyes and prayed it would all go away.  I came home and went to bed and stayed there til I heard our friend come to pick up caleb for his first baseball practice…I didnt mean to nap that long and really wanted Dean to be able to go out this evening to a get together to say good bye to his closest co-worker who is leaving for Florida, but here I am in bed and feeling just as miserable.  I didnt think sleep would help but I dont think I’d be up for watching the little ones alone w/ feeling so faint and dizzy.   I’m hoping once the kids are in bed he can go out and I feel horrible for keeping him home for such a special night.

I’m hopeful that most of these symptoms may go away once I’m sleeping w/ the cpap machine, it’s amazing what lack of oxygen can do to you….and that’s on Friday.  Also on Friday is the appointment to get my MRI results.   I keep telling myself I just need to make it to Friday…that the end is in sight, that if nothing else I might get good sleep and have more news about whats really wrong w/ me.    I’ve got plans to work again tomorrow morning and Dean and Caleb have cub scouts tomorrow night, so I’m solo w/ the kids again in the evening.   It’s kind of good to have things to keep me busy but today at work I knew it was bad when other people could tell how badly I was feeling.   I tend to hide things well when it comes to how I’m feeling.  Today I didnt have enough in me to do anything and put on a happy face, so I just went through the motions of the day and tried to get through it.    I told Dean it must be pretty bad for it to have gotten to me so badly.   I am usually able to get through the day and still laugh w/ the kids and enjoy things.   the saddest part was I know how awesome it is that Claudia went through so much trouble to decorate my cube, yet as I sat there I wasnt able to enjoy it, I was so miserable feeling that all I could do was acknowledge it.

I hate feeling this badly, so badly that I am actually getting depressed.   I just want the pain and crazy symptoms to go away…..but for now I guess I’ll just veg in bed and accept that today’s not that day and be grateful to a hubby who’s sacrificing so much for me right now that I feel even worse for keeping him home from his good times.  both of us shouldnt have to be miserable…..