Do you ever play the “what if ?” game with yourself?  I have found myself lately doing it too much, I want the thoughts out of my head but it’s hard to manage that.   I wonder if we did the right thing getting married so young, having three kids, if Dean would have been happier with someone else.   If moving here was the right choice.  I know we are happy, our kids are happy, we are doing really good as a family, in many ways.   but the thoughts keep invading, and lately they are causing my dreams to be crazy.   I think a lot of this stems from my guilt over my health, I know I blame myself for not only my health  but my children’s health issues.   Maybe if I hadnt done certain things in my past I wouldnt have to deal with this now.  My kids would be better off with someone else as a mother, that thought haunts me frequently.

I know most of this today stems from me feeling bad.  yesterday we went to see Suessical at a local community theater, friends of ours were in the production.  We left Zeke with my MIL and FIL and took Bo( it was his first show, I was so proud of that!) Caleb, and our neice Laura.  After that we all went to dinner.   Shortly before we left for dinner I got a headache.  I wasnt in the mood to eat but did anyway.   We went to walmart to get some things we needed then came home.  Through the night I started to feel worse.  this morning I slept about an hour longer than everyone else, and woke up feeling horrible.  we went to church but by the time we were done there I was ready to throw up and/or pass out, thats really how I felt.   I came home and went to bed.  Poor Dean has had the kids by himself since then.  they left a little bit of go to spend time w/ Dean’s family.   I made myself get out of bed after I talked to Dean on the phone and he apologized for the house being a mess, the control freak in me made me get up and investiage.  An hour later, a sparkling house and laundry running I feel terrible again, heck several times while cleaning I felt like I was going to pass out.  I am hoping it’s just something w/ me wrong, not something the kids or Dean can catch, because I feel so bad and wouldnt wish this on anyone!

but the point was, I feel so guilty that on his day off Dean is stuck caring for the kids on his own.  I admit on the weekends I rely on him and make him do more than he would on other days just because I want a break, but I hate for him to have to do it all by himself.   Three kids can be hard to handle, i know because I do it frequently!    So I laid here feeling guilty and like a bad mom because it’s  beautiful day out and here I am in bed ( or on the toilet)  I want to be out spending the day at the park, or swimming at the Y as a family like we had planned.   Instead I’m home alone (which isnt so horrible!) and Dean’s out fending for himself w/ the kiddos.

I often think they would all be better off without me, but I also know that God put us all together and hand created our family, just like he uniquely created all of us.  When I start to doubt it’s easy for me to remember that had I ended up with someone else, they probably would have ditched me as soon as the illnesses started piling up as do the medical bills, esp. the more unreliable I become.  You may all think this is strange, but after I met Dean and we knew each other for a while, yet weren’t always together as a couple, I would pray that God would change Dean’s hearts or that the right guy would come my way.  Wouldnt you know that He not only heard my pray but did what I wanted, gave me the love of my life to be with forever.   Sometimes I think  that that was selfish of me, but then again, I believe that God plants in us desires, and that they are there for a reason.  He knows our future, and he knew well before we were born that one day Dean and I would be together, where we are now and what is to come.

Sometimes I think that if I hadnt prayed that would Dean and I still be together ?  the truth is it doesnt matter, we are here and now and this is our life.  I may be sick and somedays that may mean Dean has to bear the burden of things, but I know one thing, before I ever got sick I was in love with and still am in love with this man who takes care of me and loves me  unconditionally.   I know that my life would not be as richly blessed if I didnt have him in my life.  I also know how grateful I am to have a husband who is willing to take care of me and the kids when I cant do it by myself.  Thanks honey for taking such good care of me and the kids, especially on my bad days!!!

I’m tired, my head hurts, my neck hurts, my stomach hurts, I think all of me hurts.   but the house is quiet, and now clean, so I’m going to nap some more before the family gets back in hopes I can give Dean the break he deserves today.