We had a fun weekend. We went to a fall fest in Rock Hall, MD with my brother and his family. Then we went to the beach by their house. It was so much fun to be with them. Here's some pics, only a few, but some are better than none.
Caleb and Dean
Caleb and Dean petting a goat at fall fest
Caleb loves the water
I've heard it said that you learn alot about your parents when you become parents yourself. When you have children you make a choice, to raise your child the way your parents raised you or raise them differently then you were raised. More often than not people say they dont want to treat their children like they were treated when they were children. As Caleb gets older I find myself asking less and less questions about my own childhood. I think there at first being a parent put too much stress on me to figure out what kind of parent I would be, and yes you think about these things when your child is still young enough to lay in your arms and enjoy it. You wonder how they will grow and how you will be as a parent.
I've always been unable to remember much about my childhood, there are distinct memories that I have, most of which are not happy ones. Today while visiting my brother we were talking about something and I said I dont remember. He didnt seem to understand why. I dont know myself, it furiates me that for complete years of my life I have no recollection at all of any events other than those told to me. It's not that the things I try to remember happened when I was too young to remember, it's just that I dont remember. If I try hard enough to focus on a certain event, I can remember it better, but the events or times I do remember I cant put in any sort of time order. I couldnt tell you how old I was or where I was for the most part. Yet there are times when I will be doing something or catch a fragrance in the air that causes me to sigh and I remember. Just like it was yesterday.
The day starts out overcast and dreary. I dont remember anything about what grade I was in but I know what school I was going to, or I think I do. I just remember being picked up early by my moms friend and taken to a house. An empty house. It started to rain on the way to the house. Mom was there. My brother was not, that or I dont remember him being til later on. All I remember is a big empty house and a box of pizza laying open on the living room floor. I only remember how the rooms looked after we moved in, I cant picture the walls or the space empty, but I know it was empty, aside from the open pizza box. It was good pizza. Daddy wont be living here with us is what she told us.......it's another dreary gray day, filled with drizzles and dark clouds. Instead of school, I sit at work. I take a break. I make a few calls, I make the call. He's moving out, we are separting, she says. In disbelief I ask how she is, older and wiser now than I was back then. Now I can comfort her when before she had to comfort me. I cant leave work early, like I left school early that day so many years ago. I cant go be with her and be there for her like she needs, like she needed all those years ago too. Hours later I begin my drive home. It's still gray and dreary. Then it happens, the rain drops start to hit the windshield , slowly at first then faster. Just as slowly then as quickly the tears fall. I remember sitting in that car, I must have been 5 or 6 being driven to my new home, yet I didnt know it yet, I distinctly remember the first raindrop hititng the windshield. That memory hit me like a load of bricks on my way home from work on Thursday as once again I watched the first raindrop strike my windshield and then the storm erupt, inside and out. My mother is the strongest woman I know, despite all of her weaknesses. Years ago she made the choice to give my brother and I the best life we could have, even though it meant not being a true "family" This week, she made the choice to give herself the best life she could have, she is separting from my step dad. Or so she is trying, if he lets her. It doesnt affect me, or not really. I mean I am adult, it wont affect where I live or what happens to me. But the way my heart broke when she told me was worse than any pain I've ever felt. She's always worked hard for anything she had, she strives to make others happy, despite her own feelings. I was sad that she's been spending all of this time suffering alone, she's been unhappy. She's maybe even been miserable. I was just a kid when my parents separated, and like I said theres not much I remember. But the thing I will never forget is the pain my own and everyone elses. The memories I have, like hearing mom cry early in the morning or late at night, hearing dad beat on the door to see us and being denied arent worth remembering and maybe thats why I try not to. Maybe thats why we, as a family, never disccuss it. Why does life have to be so hard? God help me be the friend that she can turn to now. Help me make up for not being understanding enough the first time she went through this. God help us all remember that just because the memories arent there and that no one talks about it doesnt mean that someones not hurting inside, cause deep down we've all got scars that are covered with deep bandages that we never take off. Help me take those bandages off and heal those old wounds so I can help others heal theirs.
Tonight I sit here thinking. My son sleeps peacefully while my husband and his brother are out spending time together. I've spent the day with my brother and his family. I was working on sorting out our things. Going through the packed boxes in our storage room so we can make that room into more useful space. I come across boxes that hold for me memories that I just want to keep boxed up. I opened a box of my childhood things, looked inside and took something out then decided it wasnt worth the pain tonight. I need to open that box and throw a lot of things out. But if I do that, wont that be taking away the only reminders I have left of my childhood memories, some memories that only get sparked by that object. I am missing so much about my life, memories and even facts about what truly happened during times of my life when I just dont know, that it scares me that if I get rid of these things, there will be no me. My childhood will be gone. I know it is gone, but it's always been like it was never there to begin with. These things I hold onto, I keep for a reason, but anymore when I try to go back into that box and pull out those old chapters of my life it hurts too much. Too many regrets. Too many unkept promises. Too much emptiness. The box is full of empty memories. I'm tempted to throw the box out w/out sorting through it. I know this weekend my mom is at her house doing the same thing. She was going to clean out the things in her basement, I am sure she will stumble across alot more of my old stuff, and my brothers. Is she feeling the same emotions I feel as I go through these things? Is it worth it to really have memories that you dont want to remember? In our weaknesses we are strong, or so the saying goes, but how come it never feels that way?
Been a day or two huh? Well life happens.
What's been happening you ask? Well, my brother in law is visitiing so has been watching Caleb, except for today, because today his daycare provider was taking him to see Sesame St. Live downtown. I wish I could go, I know he is going to have a ball. Maybe next time we'll go as a family. I gave her some money to get him something, she said they always have stuff to buy. And of course you know we'd buy something for him if we went, or well I would, dont think Dean would be tempted, but I am a sucker for making my kid smile!
Aside from that, we are back to having just one car. But since his brother is here, we've been okay with it, borrowing his aunts car to use for a few more days. Starting next week though I will start taking the bus to work. It will add another 2 hours to my day, and I'll have to drop Caleb off early at daycare. Not looking forward to it at all. Means I'll have to do a lot of walking though, which will be good for me, except I have to dress up for work, so I'll tote along my dress shoes and wear tennis shoes on the way to work.
I go in two weeks to an audiologist for my hearing. A few years ago when I had it checked I had some hearing loss and some problems w/ a tear in my left ear, and it seems to be getting a lot worse lately. To the point I have to ask patients to repeat two or three times what they said and I am even noticing I am stumbling over my words more, like I cant get things out right. Dont know if its from lack of sleep or just cause my hearing is a mess. I cant wait to go to find out what is going on. I know Dean will be happy to if I can get it fixed so he doenst have to keep yelling at me!
Looks to be a dreary day, thats how I've been feeling all week, so it's appropriate. I am missing my son. He's been gone for a few hours and I've had time to do stuff, but the emptiness and quiet of the house is too lonesome for me. So off to work I go to more loneliness. My cubicle is not near anyone , well it is , but the desks around me are empty most of the time. The one person I did talk to a lot just got promoted and is too busy to chat until late into our shift at which point we usually get busy again so I dont have time to chat. Its sad how you can have a job talking to people all day but to feel like you havent had a single meaningful conversation all day!
What a great weekend! On Friday night, my brother and his family arrived late and stayed til Saturday evening. We sat around a lot on Saturday then went to a nearby outlet mall and shopped then ate dinner at a really good restaurant. The kids were so cute together! Neither of them wanted to share, but that made it even cuter. Caleb can take a beating and still keep going. Everytime another kid takes something from him or knocks him down he just goes and finds something else to play with. My nephew is 2 and so cute! My house looked such a mess after the two of them played all morning. But it was worth it. I love being able to be here now so we can see them more often. They still live a drive away, but it's not nearly as bad as when we were in Ohio.
Yesterday we went to visit our old church, it was emotional for me. But worth it. Then we spent the day with an old friend. We went to the harbor and walked around, it was such a beautiful day. Then when we got home I scrubbed our bathrooms for the first time in a while, it was amazing how different they looked. Thanks to Dana's tip on how to clean shower curtain, it looked like brand new.
For the last few days Caleb has been going to bed later and waking up like at 9 am . I just knew I wouldnt be that lucky today, or so I thought. He awoke around 7 and cried for a minute then fell asleep. I hear him stirring now, but at least I had time to shower and get ready for work and sleep in a bit later. Not to mention work on the dreaded check book and well, update here for once. But like I said, I hear him now. Good thing I was done everything I wanted to do anyway. Gotta go love on my sweet baby boy...
Help! I need some sleep! I've been getting up before 7, since Caleb wont let me sleep any later than that, and I dont have to be at work til 11. I have to get my shower before Dean leaves for work or Caleb screams the whole time while I get one later in the morning. Not to mention the last few nights he's not been sleeping through the night. Last night he woke up every couple of hours crying out, as if in pain. We just put him in bed w/ us, even though we did try several times to put him in his crib, but he protested too much. The night before he woke up around 5, and we put him in our bed, which makes sleeping for me almost impossible, I have no way to get comfy when he sleeps with us.
I was going to go to bed early yesterday but thought I had better start making the 10 dozen or so cookies I have to have ready for work tomorrow morning. We are having a bake sale and I volunteered to bring cookies, and it was originally set for yesterday, so Monday night I baked a bunch of cookies, and then finished making more Tues. night. But they switched it to Friday so I took my cookies yesterday and my co-workers ate almost all of them. So I started the process again last night and am going to try to finish baking this morning, but I also have to go pick up my new glasses and feed and bathe baby, take him to daycare and get to work on time! I hate all this stuff. No really, I love being w/ my baby in the morning. Our time is so precious, even if I am exhausted. Why is it I always try to blog when I should be doing a zillion other things??
What a great evening. I came home to a plate of meatloaf and potatos waiting all warmed up (I made it yesterady so all Dean had to do was cook it when he got home from work) and to find my son all comfy and sleeping. So after cleaning up a bit, since there wasnt too much of mess, which was also a nice suprise, I filled up the tub and took a long candlelit bath. It was so relaxing. But by the time I got done and dressed for bed Caleb woke up. He must have known that I was ready for bed and that daddy was enjoying his puter time. He still is not yet asleep and it's after 11! With any luck though this will mean he will sleep in for me tomorrow. So we all sat and watched CSI together and just enjoyed being together as a family. I love the sound of Caleb's laugh when he and daddy are playing together, it makes me want to cry and laugh and the same time, is that possible? I love seeing my husband in every little thing my son does(now I know 10 or 20 years from now I might not so much enjoy that, but for now, it's priceless!)
Last night I had a dream that I had a baby and didnt even know I was pregnant until I went into labor. I thought for sure as I was having the baby that it was going to be a girl, but when we checked it was a boy and we named him Ezekial. When I woke up it felt like it was so real. I've been wanting to start working on baby # 2 and maybe cause we'd talked about it last night it was fresh in my mind, but I think it's still a far while off, or so Dean thinks it should be. Right now we're too busy with work and Caleb to even consider it, even though I do often though I dont mention it much to Dean. (sorry honey!) Then today at work my co-worker was helping a woman whose sons name was Ezekial. When I heard him say the name I couldnt help but laugh, it is so odd when you have dreams like that, that seem so real. Speaking of dreams, I cant wait to be in dreamland all nestled in with my honey and probably Caleb too as Dean's trying to get him to go to sleep by laying in our bed with him. Which really means I wont be too comfy at all but if Caleb wakes me up w/ kisses in the morning I'll forget all about it, at least thats what happened this morning. Wonder what I'll dream of tonight....
It was the most freakinest scary movie I ever saw!!!! I never cried so much in a movie and been scared to death at the same time. Dean says it wasn't a scary movie, sure there wasnt the murderer waiting behind the shower curtain or under the bed, but the thought that not knowing what was behind the door or around the corner is much worse. needless to say I had to refrain from watching some scenes for fear I'd scream even though it truly wasnt goory or scary per se - just too darn suspenseful for my taste. I dont care if I have to watch blood and guts its the not knowing if I am going to have that kills me! Despite how I make it sound, it was really a great film. I had some much emotion and feeling for the characters that I cried several times. It was very well done, as are all of M. Shyamalan's movies, and definitely worth all the tears and fears! Not knowing what the movie was about when I went probably made it more scary for me, all I knew was that Dean said it was a Shyamalan film about crop circles. The crop circles thing made me not want to go, but I had to go at least see another Shyamalan film. At the beginning, before I got into it, I told Dean I was mad he took me to an xfiles film, all the corn fields reminded me of several x files episodes, not to mention the fact is was about aliens. But I soon forgot all about my lack of interest in such a film as I got more and more drawn into the story, and mind you it's not all about aliens. I love movie's that I cant analyze while watching them, I tend to think too much about the plot and such of movies making hard for me to enjoy it, there was no time for that in this movie, too much to keep you interested and too little info to get your brain going on what it could be happening, you had to keep watching or you might miss something good.
Well now that you know I enjoyed the movie, what I enjoyed more was getting home from work at 8:30 and having a babysitter waiting for us to run off and leave the baby with. Not that I dont love and miss my son, it was great to know my husband had planned some time out for us. It's not often that I agree to last minute plans, but for once I wasnt dead tired and the sitting around all day at work doing nothing left me in the mood for something worthwhile. And a date with my honey always is worthwhile!
Yesterday when I dropped Caleb off at the daycare providers she wasnt there. Her husband said she had to go out and would be back shortly so I left him w/ him, although I had second and third thoughts about doing so. Today around 9 am she calls and says that she wont be there today until 1 or so because she has somewhere to be but that her husband will be home to watch Caleb until she is there. I told her ok but I got off the phone and got so upset. I dont like talking to the daycare provider because she just doesnt seem to care what we think about how Caleb is cared for. So I didnt feel comfortable telling her that no that it's not alright for her to call an hour before I have to be there and say she wont be there!
I was going to take him but I cant do it. I dont particularly like our daycare provider but I dont have much choice until we find someone else. This made it so much harder, knowing that she may have been leaving him before but we were dropping him off earlier so I think it's just now becoming an issue because we are dropping him off at the times when she isn't going to be there so we know that she's not there.
Unfortunately Dean and I dont agree on what to do. He says he would just take Caleb and not worry about it. If my son didnt already come home w/ scratches and bruises of unknown and unexplainable origin and w/out his wipes and diapers and bottles and w/ unopened jars of baby food that he is supposed to be eating maybe I wouldnt care. But this is the last straw for me. I may lose my job because I called out for the third time but I dont know what other choice I have. Sure I could drop my son off w/ a complete stranger, but then I'd go to work and be unable to concentrate and be upset which will make my work suffer anyway so why even try. I dont know if I'm being too overprotective or just needing an excuse to get out of work, but I think I am being rational about my fear of leaving him there. I mean of course no one really wants to go to work, but I realize I need to. But I guess I just think my family should come before work. I am being silly?
Today was my first day on my new shift of working 11 am-8 pm. All I have to say is THIS SUCKS! I got up around 6 because I just had too much on my mind today, then Caleb woke up shortly afterward. Dean headed out to work around 7:30 while I fed and bathed Caleb. Caleb played while I cleaned up and put in a load of laundry. Then we read together and played together a bit. Then more laundry. Then we watched his Baby Mozart movie and cuddled til he fell asleep around 9:15. Then I had to get ready for work and get his diaper bag ready and my lunch together. By the time I did that and put a load of laundry away it was time to leave. I woke up my precious baby boy from his restful nap to wisk him off to daycare and then headed to work.
I didnt get a chance to eat breakfast or lunch. My "lunch" break is from 4-5 pm which is really my dinner, so by then I was starving! After work I had to run to the grocery store, since our fridge was bare since we'd been gone for a day or five. By the time I got home it was 9 and Caleb had already been in bed for an hour! Then I had more chores to do, including more laundry, and now it's finally time for bed. I figured it out that I do get more time w/ Caleb this way, since I am with him til 10 or 10:30 and w/ the old shift I'd only had from 6 pm-8pm or whenever he went to bed, so I think I get more time w/ him, at least more time when I'm not so tired. I'm such a morning person and this shift is definitely not for morning people! Too bad I dont have a say in the matter. All I can do is pray that God makes a way out of this mess soon.
Time to cuddle w/ Dean for a bit, if I dont fall asleep first.....did I mention Caleb's been sick and has a rash of unknown origin that started on his tummy and back? Yeah like I said, I woke up w/ a lot on my mind. A long weekend ending in the beginning of a long week....
