Well since Caleb's bout with being sick I tried very hard to make sure he got breastmilk, and I pumped right before the next feeding to make sure of it. But alas, the supply is dwindling down. I had to submit to another try with formula, it's been about an hour and he is resting, but not so peacefully. Could be the formula, or the storm outside bothing him. I just attempted pumping again and got little again. So it seems my body is doing a good job at weaning itself.
In other news, remember my missing paycheck from last week? Well my boss said on Monday it should be here by Wed. or Thurs. It is now Friday and I hope it is in the mailbox this afternoon! She also said this problem may happen next week as well, and we really cant afford not to have my paycheck next Friday, gas money for our trip kind of depends on it. I mean we should be fine money wise, but it looks like we will be paying gas for four cars: the uhual, my car, dean's truck and a friend of Dean's brother who is going to drive his brother back since he will be driving Dean's truck there for us ( is that as confusing to read as it was for me to write it?) And gas nowadays is not cheap! So we are hoping to be okay but how can you estimate gas for that many cars for that long of a trip, okay, I know you can but I am not good at math and dont care to figure it out. I just worry immensely about our finances, seeing as I write all of the checks and make sure the bills get paid. And we are on the verge of having only one paycheck and I was really counting on my last two paychecks but we've had to survive on just Dean's for the last two weeks, and yesterday our acct was looking quite measely. But luckily Dean got paid today. If we werent dealing with the move and having to pay for it out of our own pockets, Dean's work is not footing the bill unfortunately, then we'd be just fine and would actually have a little extra money but since we have all of the expenses to deal with it is quite scary. And on top of that, since we are having to break our lease the rental place wants Sept and Octobers rent! We will only be here for 6 1/2 days in Sept and that is it. But since we are breaking the lease they want 2 mos. rent, but they said they will give us back our security deposit and we wont have to repaint the baby's room back to white. Seems to me if they can be lenient about the deposit and painting that they'd give a little on the rent too. They told Dean if they find someone to rent our townhouse before October then we dont have to pay Octobers rent, but from the looks of it, there are already quite a few empty townhouses in our complex so it's not like people are fighting to live here. So all in all, this move is proving to be a big expense, I am sure we are doing well enough to afford it but I know most companies pay for relocations, I guess we will have to settle with the nice raise Dean will be getting.
I received a letter from my work yesterday about my FMLA and it said that my return to work date was October 5th! That is still a whole month away! I didnt think I would be off of work that long, I mean before we found out about the move. But since I left work early and had a c-section I ended up with almost 12 weeks off of work anyway. But most of that would be unpaid, so like I said I should only have one more paycheck, I think, maybe two. I never know how these things work. All I know is that if I had to go back to work here, it wouldnt be til October and by then I'd probably be so used to being home that it would be so hard to go back so maybe the move will help me. Well Caleb calls.....oh to be a babe and so carefree....
Poor Caleb got sick last night, vomitting. It was definitely not your regular old spit up, and I immediately feared it was a milk allergy. As a baby I could not even put milk in my mouth, I would immediately spew it out.(so I've been told) And apparently Dean's brother did the same thing as a baby. So I was very worried Caleb would have a similar allergy. But we have since not given him any more formula, I have resorted back to pumping and actually had him latched on the breastfeed once since then. But my supply is dwindling down so we may have to do another test run with the formula and if anything find out that he is indeed allergic to it. I was a wreck when he was sick though, I completely blamed myself, I mean he had just completed a bottle of breastmilk and I took all the blame for making the decision to have tried the formula the feeding prior to that. But he is fine now and I am sure even if he is allergic to milk he will survive just like I did when I was a baby.
The packing is definitely well under way. I am so surprised how at much we have gotten done. I actually helped yesterday. The saddest part was taking the crib apart, Caleb currently sleeps with us or in the cradle. But we have the nursery painted so cute and his crib was all set with the John lennon set, and now we will have to do it all over again! Oh well, now we can make sure the next time it looks even better! I should have listened to Dean when he said we shouldnt paint, but we got to enjoy it for a month or two! Too bad Caleb hasnt gotten to!
It's down to 8 days before we are in Baltimore! The more boxes we pack the realer it seems. In the meantime Dean and I have had a rough few days, I've not felt well and between lack of sleep, working, and then coming home to pack he isnt in too happy a mood all the time either. So we've tried to get along but I think the stress is getting to us. I almost cried last night when I realized he'd fallen fast asleep and hadnt even muttered a good night or anything. We are always very good about cuddling and saying good night, and oh dont forget our good night kiss. So I was so upset with him but I know it's not his fault. He is working so hard for this move and for us, I appreciate it, but then again I didnt ask for the move or all the stress accompanied with it. I am sure we will both be glad once we are there and laying down to sleep in our comfy bed our first night back to Balto. Dean was so tired from all the moving and the rough night we had that he went into work late. He never does that. So I know it must be getting to him. Thanks honey for working so hard to get it all done!! Tomorrow night no packing! We are going out to dinner with theater friends for a last good bye! I dont know which will be more draining, packing or saying good bye!
I went to work today to drop off my letter of resignation, okay, my two weeks notice. And Karen had a gift for Caleb and I! It is a photo album, and it is so cute! Her daughter makes them! Nothing store bought could ever compare. So I have started making my scrapbook pages to put in the new album and am suprisingly amazed at how easy it is ! My biggest problem is that most of the pics I want to use are still on disk from the digital camera and we dont have a good printer so we are going to have to go to Kinkos to print some out so I can use the ones I really want. Having them on disk is great for the internet but I really like having hard copies, especially in album form, I am just sentimental like that I guess.
It's been almost 2 hours since Caleb's first bottle of formula and he's had no fit of vomitting or poopy diapers yet so I am hopeful that he is not prone to the milk allergies I had as a baby and that Dean's family has a history of. But only time will tell, but so far it looks like he doesnt mind the formula in his full little tummy!
Well Caleb just had his first bottle of formula and he didnt seem to mind the taste at all. But we'll see how his next diaper looks before we decide if it was a good thing or not!
I really intended to write yesterday, I dont know what happened to my day! Caleb was only awake for a few hours, but it always seems like forever when I am trying to get things done. I made dinner last night for the first time in a while, or so it felt. It wasnt anything grand, but it felt good to be back in the kitchen again. I really do enjoy cooking and baking, but I doubt it will be a while before I can really do much of it again.
Out of all of the cool things Caleb has, I think the one that works the best for us so far is his bouncer chair. Not only does he not mind sitting in it, but it looks so cute too! Plus it is light enough to tote up or downstairs, though I dont think it was a swell idea to do so with Caleb in it, but that we Dean's doing not mine. And the funny thing about it is it is probably the cheapest thing we have to entertain, it cost about $25, now the expensive swing chair w/ mobile gets some use too but Caleb usually fusses a little and Dean picks him up. But I love using the swing when I have to get a shower, I feel kind of guilty though, I knowingly put Caleb in it so he will fall asleep so I can get a shower. In my mind that has to be some form of neglect, but what else I am supposed to do with him while I bathe?
In other news, the move is moving along swiftly. Dean has packed up a lot, and did some much needed sorting and throwing away of unneccessaries. We actually have a uhual truck rented now, which makes me feel much better. We just need to call about a storage unit in Balto for when we get all of our junk there. Then once we are there comes the most difficult part, finding a place to live and dealing with Dean's new job. All of which I am sure Dean will bear most of the burden for, but I think I will have a hard enough time getting Caleb acclimated again to his new surroundings, and then again when we move into our more permanent place.
Dean sent out a farewell email to everyone he could find an email addy for, and slowly we are getting replies. I feel bad because I really havent told anyone anything about moving, unless it comes up. I just cant imagine that in a week we will be on our way to Balto and this time for good. It's not just another visit with the relatives, it's a life change to say the least. I dont want to face people because they always ask how I feel about it, and I cant say. Since we found out there was the oppty to go back I havent let myself get too into the idea, even now with the house filled with all the packing stuff, I still dont think it is real. I dont quite know how I feel. I know that this is a great thing for Dean, career wise, heck I'd love to say that I work at the Senate building! And I know that this may be the oppty I needed to be able to afford to stay at home with Caleb , but then again it may mean I have to work even harder, who knows how that will all work out. All I know is that I now have no job to go back to at the end of my eight week recovery. That saddens me a great deal. For all the complaining I did about not wanting to work, it was mostly because I physically didnt feel up to it. I miss work actually. I liked my job and I think it was something I could do for a while, and thats the first time I can say that about a job. I get bored easily with things but there was just enough change and challenge to make it interesting for me. And the possibilty of being able to have work pay for me to go to school was great, and I was seriously thinking about it since Caleb is here to support, it would be great if I could have a degree in something. I am still considering going back to school when we go to Balto, I mean if I dont have to work, I would love to go back to school. But I doubt we could afford it, and I am only one payment for paying off all of my old school loans, so why get myself more loans to deal with? But I think it would be good for me.
So I dont really know how I feel about moving. I am SO happy, and I cant describe how thrilled I am , that we are getting the chance for everyone to meet Caleb. But that is really all I wanted. I had said before I go back to work I would love to go back to Balto to show off Caleb to family. And now not only do I get that chance but he can visit them as often as he wants, until I go back to work or do whatever it is I end up doing with myself. So that is great. But I dont know if I could settle for just being a stay at home mom with nothing to do everyday but take care of Caleb and watch my soaps! Like I said I like work and I love going to school, and yes I love being home with Caleb, but I feel like I should be doing something else. I have always kept house and worked, that is what a woman does. And I know someone needs to take care of Caleb and it may as well be me, but I feel like right now my days are just spent sleeping and eating. I know things will change as Caleb gets older and needs less as often but for now I kind of wish I had something to go to everyday, like work. I guess it just is hard when I cant do much around the house right now because of my incision and the whole feeding thing with Caleb is not going well. Before the day is out I may have to give him formula and to me that is the biggest failure out there, not being able to feed Caleb myself. I know I said I wouldnt get upset if I couldnt breastfeed, but I didnt actually think I'd have problems doing so. Now I face a supply and demand problem, Caleb wants it and I cant seem to give enough. There have been issues since day one of breastfeeding, and I was doing good dealing with it and coped by pumping my milk for Caleb to have. but now that isnt cutting it, I am simply not producing enough. I attempted breastfeeding again last night. So far it's been a fify fifty thing, half of the time he latches on and it fine, but then the next time I try he doesnt want to even try - so I had to give him a bottle of pumped milk. So I guess if things were easier taking care of Caleb on my own all day then maybe I'd think it isnt too bad an idea staying home with him, but I cant help but think of all the things that I could be doing and doing right at work. I guess I just wasnt prepared to not be a good mom. Okay, I know I am probalby doing the best I can but it still is hard when Caleb cries forever for no reason and nothing I do comforts him. And of course he is never like that when Dean or anyone else is around, so I wonder if I am the problem. Who knows. Point is, on top of issues with Caleb and the move I dont really know how I feel about anything. I cant say if I want to stay home with Caleb or go back to work. I cant say if I think the move is a good thing for us or not. I just dont know. I guess in time I will figure it all out, but for now I'd rather not talk about the move with anyone because how can you talk about something when you dont even know how you feel about it or even the details of how or when exactly it is going to take place?
How is it that the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard always incite crying in Caleb!?
Dean got a lot packed up while I slept yesterday. I had the worst allergies yesterday, it started late Saturday night with just itchy eyes but come Sunday morning I was a mess. My eyes were so sore it hurt to keep them open and I kept sneezing and having the sniffles. So when Dean came home from church, Caleb and I had stayed home to rest, he was put on baby duty, but first he and the baby took a nap together. I managed to do some packing/cleaning while they napped but that took up all my energy so then I just got grouchy and more miserable. To top it all off I couldnt find any benadryl or even generic stuff anywhere! Hours later while packing up the kitchen we found some though, thank goodness. But then that just made me sleep more!
So I know I was completely unbearable yesterday and I kept telling Dean just to leave me alone but he wanted so hard to make me happy. But on top of the baby blues and being sick I just couldnt cope with the huge mess of boxes, packing paper, and packing tape all over the house! I will be so glad once we are finally settled in our new place, but God only knows when that will be.
Well Caleb calls.....
We started to pack today. *sigh* We didn't start til about 1:00 pm and we were supposed to be at Dean's sisters house at 4:00 pm for our neices & nephews birthday party. So, we didn't get much done because of course in between those hours Caleb had to eat 2 times and I had to pump before we left not to mention get a shower and get Caleb ready. So we finally arrived at my sister in laws at 4:30 and had to leave shortly after 5 to make it to church by 6 ! So to say the least it was a busy afternoon.
Tonight our church did baby dedications. Since our church is so big they only do dedications every couple of months; tonight there were 34 babies being dedicated! There were lots of friends and family there to see little Caleb get dedicated and it was great to know he is so loved. But on the other end of that I cant help but think of how many people will miss him when we leave. Everyone keeps asking when we can get together before we move. There are just so many people who want to get together and only so many evenings left; and it doesnt help that we have so much else to deal with like packing and taking care of Caleb at the same time. So we are probably going to be so busy up until the time we leave, then when we get to Balto everyone is going to want to get together to meet Caleb for the first time. So I expect the busyness of the next few weeks will not wear off until at least early October!!!
I keep asking Dean if he is sure about the move, I guess it is just hard to deal with saying good bye to many friends that it seems we just got close with. And it's not like I am emotionally up to such a big move so soon after having Caleb, but Dean kept being encouraging and trying to make me feel better. I think it will take a while to get adjusted and it wont be right away that we have our own place so it will be a while before I will even be able to feel somewhat comfortable with the situation.
I am looking forward to spending most of tomorrow packing up house, yeah, right! But I cant stand the mess we started making so at least I will be motivated to do some packing. We had a hard time today since Caleb of course was wide awake and demanding our full attention. So I think we may have to resort to having someone watch him for us so we can get some serious packing done. Today it was just hard trying to find a place close to keep him so we could keep an eye on him and still have him out of our way so we could have the boxes sprawled out all over! I know we'll get through this move but right now I cant imagine how!
I just checked my bank account and my paycheck isn't there! The really bad part about that is that now I will have to call my boss and face the question of when I will be returning to work! So Dean & I were trying to figure out how much more time left I have on my paid disability and we figured out that I only have 3 weeks left. And if I have to still give my two weeks notice that if I end up doing so today I will only miss one week of 60% of my pay ~ which isn't that much but is more than nothing. I can't believe I have already been off of work for 5 weeks! And Caleb is only 2 weeks old so if I was going back to work it still woudlnt be for 6 weeks and 3 weeks of that would be unpaid so basically moving doesnt change that much. I will just have to use that time to look for a new job in Baltimore. So with the move I will still have more time off without pay but even if we stayed I'd have to take at least 3 weeks unpaid and who knows if I'd still have a job when I got back, apparently a lot is changing while I am away. Two people have already given their notice or so I've been told, so I am sure when I do talk to my boss she will not be thrilled to hear what I have to say. But oh well, it's not like I nver intended to go back, it all just kind of happened. So just another thing to deal with today that will no doubt get the tears rolling soon.......I tried to call one of the girls at work to tell her before I told the boss so that she wouldnt get upset when she finds out from everyone else but she wasnt available so I hope to talk to her before I do my boss just to give them a heads up.
I thought now that I am not pregnant that I wouldn't be so emotional, but I guess it is that postpartum depression stuff. It's not bad, but with having to deal with a big move and still being so physically exhausted it is all taking it's toll on me. I have had no appetite since I left the hospital and am barely forcing myself to eat lunch and dinner, last night I made myself eat then I got the worst upset stomach, I am sure it is all my own doing. Dean tried to make me eat something, even brought food from his mothers for me, all ready just needed heated but I took a few bites and it just tasted awfult. That's been my experience, nothing tastes good anymore, except those brownies I made last night! Aside from being teary at every little thing and not wanting to eat I wouldnt be concerned about myself, but I know since Caleb is getting my breastmilk I better start eating better soon, at least I can comfort myself knowing at least I am still on prenatal vitamins, that should help him out some.
So we are supposed to be meeting with our small group from church tonight and they had wanted to come to our house but I said no. There is no way I am about to take care of Caleb all day on my own and have the house clean for company and then be up to being awake when they arrive. So they decided to meet at someone else's house, but today our leader called and said how important it was that we go, since it will be the last one we can attend before the move. He said it would help everyone have closure. I tried to stay cordial but after I got off the phone I was in tears. I felt so bad for even thinking about not going tonight, but then I reminded myself it's only been two weeks and I really have done way too much already. I guess they just dont realize how soon it is and that I really should be resting more, but I guess because I have been so up and around that they thought I'd be okay to go tonight. But by the time it rolls around for Dean to be home I am ready for bed! And I dont see why today would be any different. Oh well, like I said everything makes me upset and I was a mess after he called and gave me the guilt trip he did.
My brother just called to see how we were doing and we were talking about the move and I said something about not telling anyone we were coming back because we werent sure of our plans yet and he said everyone already knows because my aunt read our webpage then told everyone. I guess I just didnt realize who all read our pages! So hello everyone!!! I was telling Dean that I mostly write for myself and him. I dont think about who else reads it, I do it just to get things out of my head and out there. It helps me deal with things if I write about it, it helps me think things through. Like the move, and all of my baby thoughts, I feel like if I keep it all bottled up and never get it out I'll truly be a mess, so hence why I blog. So sorry for not calling and telling everyone first before I blogged but it's easier to write then have to answer questions that I dont know the answers to yet like the when and how of the move.
I have the greatest husband! Since day one with Caleb he has been there; changing diapers, feeding, burping, and loving on our little angel. When he got home from work yesterday he knew I wasn't feeling well and took Caleb over to his mothers for an hour or so and I had the most relaxing candlelit bath and was able to pump breastmilk without constantly checking on the baby. It was great! Then tonight he has gotten up with Caleb every time, I am only up now so I can pump so I wont wake up with a soggy leaking mess of breastmilk! I have slept at least 3 hours straight and it feels great! I feel so bad though, I know Dean has to work in the morning but when I offered to take Caleb from him he just said to not worry about it since this is the only time he can take care of him. I think it is rough on him , not being able to help out now that he is working, but I really do wish he'd get a good night sleep too. Oh well, maybe this weekend he can. Thanks honey! You really are the best!
I just got back from the dr, my blood pressure is down, not completely normal but a lot better than last week, so I am supposed to cut down on the medicine for a week and if I have no more symptoms stop altogether taking it. So hopefully by next week I wont need the medicine anymore. Caleb did great, he slept while I was at the drs office then we went to see Dean at work, so he could show off his little bundle of joy. Caleb cried a little but he was way past due for his lunch so that was understandable. And I think on the way home he either missed his daddy or was mad at me for not having changed his diaper yet, cause he kept fussing, and it was awful because I coudlnt see him in the car seat and I had to keep drivning, I almost pulled off on the side of the highway but everytime I considered it he would stop and then a few minutes later start crying again. I was a mess by the time I got home, I just wanted to hold him , but by then he had cried himself fast asleep and wanted nothing to do with being cuddled or talked to. Oh well,....I am just proud of us for making it out of the house and back in one peice! Now it's nap time for Caleb and mommy, my favorite part of the day!
I think the hardest part about being home alone, so far, is wanting/needing to take a shower. Today I have to go the dr, and of course every other day I take a shower when Caleb is sleeping but this morning he is determined to be awake, and somewhat fussy at that! Even when I have no plans to go anywhere I still enjoy starting my day with a shower and I have no intentions of taking one before Dean leaves for work because I dont need one bad enough to wake up that early! So today I jumped in and out of the shower while Caleb was half content with his pacifier. And sure enough as soon as he hears me back in the room he spits out the passy and fusses at me! Oh well, I really shouldnt ignore him to take a shower, but a mommy has needs too.
Dean is scheduled to be working his new job on Sept. 10 in DC, here it is August 23rd and we have one box packed! Yesterday Dean discovered we probably wont be able to afford a moving truck, but we kind of have to have one. So we are trying to think about what to do about that. Apparently my brother offered to help us pay for it, yes he is very excited we are moving back home! But I cant imagine how they have the money either, but I am sure he wouldnt offer if he didnt. Speaking of my brother, we just found out they are going to have another baby, this one is due the same time as their first child and ironically my sister in laws sister is due that same time with her first baby as well. So in April we will have more babies! By then Caleb will be ready to be out of the spotlight so I am sure we will be able to deal with that then. At least he has a few months at the youngest baby though, and since we'll be close to family it should be great.
We gave Caleb his first tub bath last night, okay, Dean did. We had every intention of doing it together but I decided to run to get the camera and Caleb decided he didnt like the water so Dean hurried to get done with the bath. Caleb never minded being wiped down with a wet rag but I guess being submerged in the water was a little much for him.
Well it's about time for the little one to eat, again. He is an eating machine, all last night it was every hour and a half, it is exhausting! Poor Dean was worn out this morning, I feel so bad for him since he has to work, I can make up for lost sleep and sleep during Caleb's day naps but Dean has to get up and work all day. He is doing a great job though, once he gets home he hardly wants to put Caleb down. yesterday my mother in law and I went out to have lunch with Dean so he could spend that time with Caleb and I think that helped him feel a little better. Well I hear Caleb stirring.............
Sorry it's been so long folks, I know you are waiting to hear how things went. It will be hard for me to go backwards in time but I will do my best to fill you in on the last week including labor and delivery. Around 4:30 on August 9th, my parents arrived from their long 10 hour drive from Baltimore MD. They lavished me with gifts and compliments on how I only had gained baby weight. I think my mom expected me to be really fat, but aside from my huge protruding belly there wasnt much more fat on me than before I was pregnant. And quite honestly I'd lost so much weight that my face actually looked thinner now than before I was pregnant. We spent some time talking then as each hour went by I got more anxious for what was ahead. We enjoyed a great dinner, my mother in law had made us a lasagna, so luckily none of us had to cook that day. I kept saying how it was my last meal, if I'd only known then how long it would be til my next meal!
After a breif nap and a quick shower Dean and I gathered up our things to head to the hospital. We left home around 9:10 pm, we had to be there by 10. The only good thing about going to the hospital at night, good parking! We had no problem finding a spot! After about 15 minutes of waiting on the busy labor and delivery nurse to admit us we finally found our way to our room. The first hour was spent getting informed about the plans for our induction and going over my health history with the nurse. Finally about midnight the cervidil was inserted, which was to start the process of thinning my cervix. I was told that that would stay in place for 12 hours, much longer than I had anticipated, I thought for sure by then we'd be well on our way to having a baby. So I was a little upset. About 1:00 am I started to have severe back pain and cramps. When they checked me at 3:00 there had been no changes, and apparently by then I should have started thinning more and becoming more effaced. By the way, we started out at midnight, 1 cm dialated and 50 percent effaced. So I was the same then. At 6 or so in the morning the nurse checked and said still no change, and that that might mean we get sent home to come back to try another day or that they might consider a c-section. I was definitely not going to go home and go through all of that again in a few days so I held on for hope. Around 7 the dr arrived and told us that he and the nurse would talk and would decide what to do next. So at 8 am they decided to break my water and get the ball rolling. And as the doc put it, there was no turning back now. And boy was he right!
It was not long after, even before 8:30 that I began having contractions every 2-3 minutes. This continued for a few hours and when they checked me next I was at 3 cm. Until this point I had been having non stop contractions on my own, but to speed things up they decided to start me on pitocin to make the contractions stronger. After that I kept having strong contractions almost a minute apart but I was not dialating any more. I got stuck at 3 cm and was in severe pain. I was given nubane through my iv to take the edge off of the pain because I couldnt get an epidural until I was 4 cm. But after another hour or so and no change and I was a mess, the nurse ordered for me to get the epidural. I was so scared. The anastheiologist was great though and his calming nature helped a lot. I cant believe I got through that yet I know that I couldnt have done the rest of the day without it. Almost immediately I went to 5 cm! The nurse said sometimes the epidural relaxes your body and speeds labor up, apparently I was so stressed and in so much pain before that that I had stopped the progression of my labor. At 5 pm I was still at 5 cm and we werent going anywhere. Around this time it was discussed that I only had a few hours left to keep trying or that they would do a c-section. I was very upset but knew Caleb was still doing fine. So when they checked me at 8 pm nothing else had happened, the doc said I was maybe at 6 cm but barely. It was decided that my epidural be turned off and the pitocin turned up. Before we knew it I was complete, at 10 cm and ready to push. I pushed, despite what a very rude anastheiologist thought, for 3 hours. I was so numb from the epidural that I had no feeling at all and had a very hard time pushing until the epidural started to wear off. But the anastheiologist kept saying I wasnt trying hard enough and that it wasnt his fault I couldnt feel my legs to push. He was covering his own butt is all. So his rudeness pushed me to push with all my might, and before we knew it the nurse told us she could see a head of hair! I was thrilled, we had kept wondering if he'd have hair when he was born.
But after 3 hours of hard labor, that little head of hair wasnt coming out any further. Around 10:50 pm I was told we would be going to across the hall to have a c-section. The hardest part after that was trying not to push through the strong contractions. I was terribly upset yet relieved that shortly it would all be over. There is a lot I have left out, but this is the facts of it. The iother important stuff is: during that 3 hours of hard labor when I couldnt feel my legs while I was pushing, I had my mom, my mother in law, the nurse and my sister in law, and dont forget Dean, holding my legs and helping me push. It wasnt until we got to the point where I had to push that I realized there was no way I was going to do this on my own. Until that point I had not decided who would be there or not. All I remember is that at one point the dr came in to check me and sent everyone out of the room. Sometime after that I was asked who could come back and I know I asked for my mom and Dean's mom came in. And luckily Rachel just let herself in (my sister in law). After that I was asked if certain people could come in and I said no, not to be rude but because I didnt want anyone to get upset seeing me in so much pain, my mom was already a mess and I doubt whether it was good for her to be there, but I am glad she was. Dean was great the whole time I was in labor, the whole 14 hours of it! I was looking at pictures of it the other day and there were some pics of us together, and ones of all of us laughing, and I remember that. I remember the laughs, the tears, and the pain. I also remember getting very sick during that last 3 hours and someone putting a rag on my forehead that kept falling off everytime I had to vomit, I eventually yelled about that dumb cloth on my forehead, I got so mad at it! I even remember yelling at my mother in law for taking pics while I was pushing. Aside from that I dont think I really got rude or nasty with anyone, I was very determined to get through , especially after I was at 10 cm and I was told about his head of hair!
I was wheeled off to surgery , but before I went I remember telling my mom not to worry about me, and through her tears she said ok. I remember that like it was yesterday. I will never forget how funny Dean looked all geared up to go into the O.R. with me! Surgery was a huge joke to me at the time, I think between being so numb and on so many drugs I was on a huge high. I kept laughing at every little push and tug I felt on my stomach as they operated. I kept saying it felt like I was being tickled. I kept asking how much longer, and that last 5 minutes seemed to last forever. Even before I heard Caleb cry the first time I knew he was no longer in me, I felt a huge weight being lifted off of me. And a few seconds later I heard him cry. I immediately wanted to see him but I couldn't. It was at least 5 minutes before Dean brought him over, I never got to hold him then, just got to look at him and his proud Daddy. I remember those first few minutes and how protective I felt of him, but after that I dont remember much. I remember waking up to voices later of my family and Dean. I think Dean showed me Caleb but I dont remember. I remember everyone saying they were leaving and after that I have no memory other than waking up the next morning alone in a different room - without Caleb or Dean. Around 9:30 that Saturday Dean showed up and they brought Caleb in sometime before or after that, but I wasnt very coherent much of that day either. It wasn't until Dean was around that I felt safe and comfortable.
There is a lot that I left out, but there is so much that happened that I cant possibly put into words here, and lots that I dont care to remember about the whole experience. I'd have to say the best part of labor and delivery was laying on that OR table staring at my husband and our new baby. From that moment on Dean didnt want to put Caleb down and took care of him until well, until today when he went back to work. I was told to take it easy because of the c-section but after being on bedrest for so long I couldnt keep myself in bed. By Saturday evening I was walking around a little and by Sunday afternoon I was walking the halls without help. The nurses said I looked like a whole new woman. We left the hospital Monday afternoon, not even 3 days after giving birth. I have had no pain, other than some stinging where my incision is since the day we left the hospital. I have been doing laundry, cleaning , and I even made dinner once. I know my recovery is not normal of a woman who's had a c-section, and I attribute it all to lots of prayers and a strength that only God could have given me. During the whole process of labor, delivery and recovery, I know that we have experienced almost every possible problem along the way, and I even had to endure the two greatest fears I had : an epidural and c section, and along there were lots of little things that happened during the course of events that I didnt mention that scared me even more. The end result that arrived at 11:19 on August 10th weighing in at 7 lbs 9 oz was our little angel Caleb Richard McKenzie.
SINCE THEN: At our one week check ups both Caleb and I did great. Caleb weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz. I weighed in 23 lbs lighter than I was the week before! And boy was I happy about that. The only negative thing was my blood pressure was still up and I have since started on some blood pressure medicine. Dean is doing a great job taking care of me and Caleb. From day one he has changed more diapers than me! It was hard for me because I was so out of it at first and then in so much pain, that Dean had to step up the plate right away and he has done great! Thanks honey!
We had some issues with our attempt to breastfeed so we are currently bottle feeding Caleb the breast milk that I pump. it's a chore but it gives him what he needs most, and Dean can feed him so it is helpful. Dean was off all of last week and stayed home taking care of us. Despite his orders and the drs I have done much more than I should, like laundry and cleaning, all while Dean tends to Caleb. Today was my first day alone with Caleb and we did okay, I am extremely exhausted, but I am sure that is completely normal.
Forgive me for not getting to posting earlier, I've been either in bed, feeding Caleb, changing diapers, or pumping for his next feeding. It's a vicious cycle! But it's all worth it to gave into his beautiful blue eyes, and we are so blessed because Caleb is not a fussy baby at all. When he does get fussy it is ussually because he is hungry or bored with his current postion so we just move him around and he is fine.
Aside from baby news, we just found out that we will be relocating to Washington DC for Dean to start working on Sept 10th at his companie's office there. It will be a huge move for us, but it is closer to my family that lives in Balto so it should make a lot of people happy. Well I've been neglecting my intake of food lately and Dean is pestering me to eat something, all I've had to eat today was 2 peices of cold pizza at 3 pm, and I know I should be eating a hearty 2100 calories, and I know I am no where close to that nor have I been since I came home from the hospital so better go find something to munch on. I'll try to write more often as Caleb allows. ...............
In about 7 hours I will be admitted to the hospital and as each hour has passed today I get more and more anxious, and scared! My parents havent arrived yet but should be here any time now. Stacey is not going to come til later on, which will give her more time to spend with us once we are home from the hospital. Just in case we don't get pics posted right away, the hospital should have a pic up shortly after Caleb is here, it is Christ hospital and just look under Amy & Caleb. Apparently they let you purchase picture packages too, well at the hospital they let us, but it is a neat option. I may just get a wallet or two, just so we can have his first picture, but Dean has the digital camera all packed and ready so there should be tons of oppty for pics. Well wish us luck and we'll write as soon as we are back into the swing of things, I will be glad to just not be on bedrest anymore! Wohoo! This induction thing has its pros and cons but I think the best part will be knowing soon I will be staring into the eyes of my son!
Last night I broke bed rest, again. It was Ann's birthday so we went to dinner, to a very nice restaurant, and then to her parent's house for cake and for her to open a zillion presents - you would have thought it was Christmas! The amazing thing was I ate a pasta dinner, probably way too many peices of bread, chocolate cake, and plenty of ice cream, yet my blood sugar was fine both last night and this morning. It puzzles me when things like that happen. I have an appt today with my specialist and I intend to find out how soon after having the baby I can stop monitoring my sugar and eat normally again.
My mom and step dad will be coming up tomorrow, they will leave Baltimore early tomorrow morning and be here sometime in the afternoon. I am hoping Stacey can make it up too but I will understand if she can't. Ann is thinking about taking off of work on Friday so she can be at the hospital and I keep telling her to just go to work and come up after. She's had off today and yesterday and I dont want her to jeopardize her job just to be there with us. I am not sure what the in-laws plans are as far as being at the hospital, they havent said much, except that they are excited. So it could be a crowded hospital room or maybe not. I am just hoping it is comfy and that there is a place for Dean to sleep if he wants. That and that we end up with a room with a shower, not all of the rooms have showers. So it's less than 48 hours til they start my induction! Aaaggghhhh! I am getting nervous and I already started double checking my hospital bag which I've already packed and repacked a zillion times in the last week. Today my plans are to go to my ultrasound appt, then go get some groceries since my mom is staying here for her stay and if Stacey comes so will she. So I dont want the cabinets to be completely empty! Not that they are but I dont think there is much variety either. I am sure mom will go shopping when she gets here anyway, she tends to do stuff like that, or she brings her own food with her?! I guess she just doesnt want to use up our stuff. Who knows. I am excited about everyone coming but I wish my brother could be here too. I talked to him yesterday but it's just not the same.
I have decided to try to contact my dad this afternoon, and with any luck I wont be able to reach him, no really, Dean said if he were in my shoes he wouldnt call him but I keep telling myself he is still my Daddy and this is still his grandson by his only daughter and he has a right to know, even if he doesnt care, he should have the choice to come or not come. So we will see how that goes....until then I am doing a little resting and a little cleaning since we will have company soon. I plan to dedicate all day tomorrow to complete bedrest, until my mom gets here at least, and then she will probably keep me in bed too, I am sure she will be more strict on me than Dean is. I would love to spend all day today in bed but I keep feeling like there is so much to do, I got up as soon as Dean left for work to clean the floors and start what little laundry there is left to do before tomorrow. I just want to make sure that once I get back from my appt and the grocery store I can go right to bed and stay there til tomorrow. But that means getting everything done before 10 am today! So if anything I will come back and just have to finish up laundry - which isn't too big of a deal. So it's another dull day, one of the last carefree days I will ever have.
I keep telling Dean I want to do something grand tonight for our last night as just us but he has to be at the theater and I really should be in bed. So much for romance and spontaneity (i am sure i spelled that wrong!). But I am sure we will find plenty of time together between Caleb's naps and there are plenty of people already volunteering to babysit. It may not be soon but I know we will find time for each other, and I think Caleb will bring us closer together. I cant wait to see Dean holding his son!!! He will be such a great daddy!
Have a great day folks!
Well, I just got back from my appt and non stress test. Of course Caleb is doing fine and my bp was okay. I voiced my concerns with the dr about how I was doing and how I didn't understand why we needed to wait another week if they were going to induce anyway. He said it would be better if my cervix was doing something on it's own and they were waiting to see if it would. He looked over my chart, he's not my regular dr, but I've seen him before. And he paused a while and said that he was going to call to get a time for me to go in Thursday night to start our induction! I was so excited, and scared. It gives me a few days to make sure everything is ready here, and some time to rest up before I am in labor. I have one last ultrasound, Wednesday morning which he said to keep. So we have to be at the hospital at 10 pm on Thursday night and they will insert the stuff to make me start to dilate! So looks like sometime on Friday we will have little Caleb in our arms.
Sorry it's been a few days, it's not that I've been busy, quite the opposite actually. Dean has been home all weekend and wouldnt allow me to leave bed very much. Although he says I always get my way, so I did make it out to his parents for dinner on Saturday night then we walked a bit at the Blues Fest that was going on. But by then I was so exhausted I was ready to be back in bed. And yesterday I went to church which wore us both out apparently because we both came home and napped for like 3 hours! I think all of his late nights is catching up with him (dean). Maybe he is just preparing to be up with Caleb.
Aside from that it was a pretty boring weekend, I stayed in bed and Dean played on his new computer. Same old same old. And of course my mom called at least once a day to check up on us!
Today I have an appt to get another non stress test on Caleb, but I know he will do fine. We know he is healthy it's me they should be concerned about. My emotional state is getting worse and worse and I told Dean last night in a fit of tears that I dont know if I can take another whole week of bedrest. I am also worried that I am gaining an extreme amt of weight since all I do is eat and sleep and my belly feels so heavy. It's not that I look heavier, I think it must just be that since I lay on my side all day that once I do get out of bed there is all of this extra weight that I didnt notice all day. I feel so lazy, and cant think of anything other than reading to do to occupy myself in bed so I just keep sleeping. Sleeping my life away so it seems.
I feel for any woman who was ever put on bedrest, it's been less than 2 weeks and I have cabin fever, I cant imagine those who have been on it for months. Well I'll let you know how my drs appt goes this afternoon. It's back to bed for me, wohoo!
Yesterday turned out to be a very long and stressful day. I had a morning appt with my ob, andI knew things weren't going well when my bp was really high and the dr usually does his exam then sits down and talks to us. Yesterday he did the exam said nothing except get dressed and I'll be back to talk to you - I knew it couldn't be good. So, he comes back and says we need to go be admitted to the hospital to get testing to make sure I am not developing toxemia. I was glad that they were finally checking, I've only had symptoms for about a month now! But I was in no way prepared to go to the hospital, especially after he said pending the test results we could have a baby tomorrow!
Luckily Dean had met me there so we drove our cars home, since we both had driven there, had a decent lunch then headed downtown to the hospital. We spent all afternoon there with me hooked up to a non stress test. They came and took a lot of blood for lab work and we waited. I think the worst part was that the nurse refused to let me sit up or even lay on my back at all. I had to be laying on my side constantly, and I got quite sore and miserable doing that. But the good thing was my bp ended up being the best it's been the whole time I've been pregnant, but only because I was really on bedrest, like I should have been. All of my tests came back normal and I so enjoyed watching the fetal monitor seeing how Caleb's heart beat went up and down with every little kick and nudge. So they sent me home with orders to return for more tests on Monday at my ob's office. I was also put on complete bedrest with bathroom privliges, no no computer privliges, yet I am sitting here writing aren't I? I can not imagine being in bed all day like I was yesterday afternoon but I know that I need to be for my health and Caleb's. They also told me to call my ob if I experience any more headaches, blurred vision or dizziness. Well hello folks, the whole reason I was there was because I kept having those symptoms and if I call the dr everytime they may as well have just kept me there! But I dont have toxemia and no one can tell me why I feel so bad, except, you are pregnant. But my symptoms aren't normal, but all my tests were fine so apparently I will survive another week. They said if it doesnt happen before August 12, I will be induced on the 12th. But like I said I go back Monday for more tests. So who knows how that will go, with any luck they will decide to relieve me and help move Caleb along and out into this brave new world.
So since I should be in bed, forgive me if I dont write often and dont worry, if we go into labor or are forced into it, we will let you know!
Why is life so difficult? I mean, sometimes things will be going so smoothly and you look around and think to yourself, hey we've got it pretty good right now. Just this morning I was sitting in the baby's room thanking God for all of the things we've been blessed with. Our townhouse isn't spectacular, and yes we've been waiting on the maintainance man to come fix even more bathroom problems, but overall we've got a pretty nice place for Caleb when he gets here. We've got more toys and clothes than he'll probably need. We have a nice new computer, compliments of Dean's hard work for the Know theater. It's all just stuff though.
About 3 years ago I moved here(ohio) with nothing but the suitcase my grandmother gave me as a graduation present packed with the clothes my mother had bought for me. How did I get here? I was driven by a tall gorgeous man who is now my husband. He whisked me away to a little suburb in Ohio that I'd never heard of before. Why did I come? To be free of my parents and all of the problems associated with my family and friends that had come to a climax in the last few months before my leaving. I didnt have it bad, not at all, but I was young and the only way I knew to cope with problems was to run from them, a lesson I'd learned from my parents. So I left it all behind, and figured it would all sort itself out in time. When I got here I moved in with Dean's parents, I had a small room with just a bed and a dresser that they provided for me. I was happy, as long as I had Dean by my side. A few months later we got married. We got our own place, and filled it with what little we had given to us and with lots of yard sale and auction furniture. It was our place. Today we live in a nicer place than our first one, but still only have a few articles of furniture that we spent real money for, most of it is still old used furniture, and much of what we own we are still paying off credit cards for. It's been three years, and since I moved here I have grown a lot - in my marriage and as an individual. I've since dealt with most if not all of the problems I was fleeing from when I came here, yet there are still a few loose ends that I doubt will ever be dealt with in entirety.
The decisions I made then changed my life forever. Less than a year ago we found out we were going to have a baby. We had never decided not to have children, and never did anything to prevent us from having children, another thing we probably should have considered before deciding or rather, not making a clear decision on. Today we face more decisions. We face these decisions with a lot more maturity and reason behind us, yet we also have a lot more to consider now. Not only will we be deciding on our future as individuals and a couple, but the things we do today will forever change our son's life, a life that he hasnt even been able to enjoy with us yet. I know many of you may be thinking, what on earth is she talking about, and all I can say is, every day we are faced with new and exciting things in our lives. Sometimes we are faced with choices that seem trivial and take little thought to decide on, but now, as we prepare to become parents, there will be no more decisions that are trivial or minute. Everything we do, say, think or act will affect not only us but our family! It's a very scary thought. We've had three years together as a couple and in that time we made many decisions and also didnt make a lot of decisions, or rather let fate decide for us on things, now we must think things through much more clearly. These are the things you dont think about when you look at those two little lines on the home pregnancy test, there are a lot of things you dont consider when buying that first baby outfit. And before you know it, you are hit head on by the mack truck containing every fear and concern you could possibly have about having a family, and the irony of it all, is that when Dean and I first met years ago, we were just children ourselves, now here we are having a child of our own. Life is a cycle, we can change certain things in our life, but I earnestly believe that all of those years ago when we met, Dean & I, God was up in heaven smiling down on us, thinking, if they only knew what their lives will be like in 13 years from now- and yes we make decisions every day but H knows what choices we will make even before we are faced with the question. Sometimes I wonder why I even stress over things because no matter how hard or long I worry and fret over something, the end result will always be the same, for God knows our every thought and He knows where we will be 10 years from now, so even if we spend days weeks months on one choice in our life, He knew all along what we would decide. I just wonder why He doesnt fill us in so we wouldnt waste so much time worrying!
Sorry for getting all deep on everyone, it's been a rather contemplative morning and I've had a lot on mind lately, more than I could fill up a 1000 page novel with, so to settle my brain I thought I'd blog a little, okay, a lot!
We weren't going to go to Dean's sisters last night, because I was feeling so bad, but then Dean called to tell her and they all wanted to see us so I felt bad about not going so we did anyway. At first I was still feeling pretty bad and having 10 kids running around with noise makers didn't help my headache much, but then it was time for the kids to get out of the pool and I got to swim all by myself! And it was SO nice. The water was warm and it had just gotten dark, so I laid around the moonlit pool. It almost felt like I was in a huge bathtub! So it made it all worthwhile. I really needed that time to relax, everyone had kept asking about the baby and feeling my belly, which is something I have come to hate, if I wanted you to feel my stomach I would invite you too! But oh well, I dont want to ruffle anyone's feathers, can't have family mad at me this close to a time when we will be needing their help.
So despite how bad I felt it turned out to be a nice relaxing evening. The best part about yesterday was when I got home from my sister in laws I returned Ann's call to us and we talked for almost an hour! We rarely talk, usually our husbands get on the phone for a long time and they make plans for us to get together, but last night Ann & I just gabbed away. It was so nice, even if it was mostly about baby stuff. I really am starting to get selfish, everyone is so concerned about Caleb, well I am the one going through all the trouble to give them Caleb but no one seems to care. Oh well....Point was, Ann and I had a nice long chat. She and her husband are so excited about Caleb, even more so then we seem to be but we have decided it is because they get to come play with him then leave him, we have to deal with the larger scale of things. I am glad that we have gotten to know Ann & Dennis, they've proved to be a great support for us and I only hope that they are benefiting from our new friendship too. Ann's birthday is Tuesday and it would be neat if Caleb's ended up being then too, but I dont know if I want to wait til Tuesday!
I have my regular weekly ob appt today, and I really hope Dean goes with, so we should find out what the plan of action is in us having Caleb and how soon it will be. They have told us before that it would be best to wait until at least 39 weeks, which is Monday, and that we'd have the baby before my due date which is the 14th! So I am hoping that they will schedule to induce me early next week, that way my mom can make plans to come since she will have to drive about 10 hours to get here. The only thing I am dreading about today is having to get blood work done, I haven't had any done since I found out about the diabetes, and that was months ago, or so it seemed, I was 28 weeks then, so it's been a while. And there is a big chance all of the symptoms I am having are related to toxemia(or pre-eclampsia) and the last thing I need right now is more complications. So I am praying everything is normal, but I know that the way this pregnancy has gone, I was lucky to get this far along and right now it'd be just one more thing to add to the list.....
Caleb did great on his ultrasound today! And my blood pressure was only a little up, despite the blurred vision and headaches I've been having. They will probably do some blood work on me tomorrow when I go see my regular ob to make sure there isn't a problem that is causing me to feel so bad. And with any luck we will find out if I am dialated at all tomorrow. I keep having contractions, painful ones, but not in any special consistency so I haven't kept time track of them. They are too sporatic to time, unfortunately. So all thing went well today, although I still feel pretty lousy. They sent me home for more bedrest and said to see my ob tomorrow.
In the meantime, Dean and I havent been up to much. Last night we had a great time, we went to his sisters to go swimming, and the kids weren't home so we got to swim alone which is rare. usually we have to play with the kids, all 6 of them! So it was a nice quiet evening, and quite enjoyable. And the swiming helped me cope with the painful contractions I was having. Tonight we are going back to their house for our nephew's birthday celebration, I just cant wait to go swimming again! I am supposed to be on complete bed rest but I cant imagine swimming could be bad for me, I think it will actually help me, especially if these contractions continue to keep up.
Well another uneventful day of bedrest! Yippee!!