Wisdom from my walk

I had a drs appt today, to help figure out why my blood pressuer is high. The appt itself was short and sweet. Then I had to go to the lab to get blood drawn and give a urine sample. Then I headed home to figure out how I was supposed to go get a chest xray with a infant. So I recruited Stacey to tag along to babysit while I got my xray taken. I didnt know why I was getting a chest xray, thought it better to not as the dr why. But they did the xray then said to wait to make sure they got what they needed. After what seemed like forever the nurse/tech came back and asked if I had high blood pressure. I told her what was going on. Then she asked if I had asthma or any other problems, I said no. She walked out then came back and said they needed to take one more xray. So they did, then I had to wait again to make sure they had what they needed, then I was allowed to go. All the while Caleb slept next to Stacey in the waiting room. So if I wasnt worried before, I am now. I just cant figure out why the xray tech would ask that.

The highlight of the xray was beforehand when they asked if there was a chance I was pregnant, every other time I’d had a xray I always had to say yes there was, but this time I quickly said no. So she asked when my last period was, I laughed and said well I had a baby 6 weeks ago if that helps, and she laughed. And I said I better not be pregnant, although I wouldnt be too upset if I was.

The weather here is awful; dreary, cold , and rainy. A perfect day to stay inside and sleep, but despite my desire to, I havent slept since 8 or so this morning. And last night I had the worst time sleeping, I think I was worried about my drs appt today.

Well I am sitting here waiting for my hubby to get home and hoping it’s soon. The days seem so long without him, and tomorow night he wont be comign home, he’ll be heading to the Pentagon to hand out food to the workers there. So I know the next two days will drag on for me and I hope to get a good nights sleep tonight since I wont have help Friday night with the baby. For me the upcoming days, okay, weeks hold no plans for me, just the usual daily routine of caring for our little angel. I hope to find something to delve myself into soon…but it’s hard having to take Caleb with me everywhere. But hopefully I can find something Caleb friendly to do.

Caleb is a little over 5 weeks old and he is getting so big, not fat, just longer, I think. Considering how tall his daddy is it makes sense, but I thought for sure we’d have a fat baby seeing as neither one of us is skinny by any means. But since I have had the baby I have lost 30 lbs! I am wearing my old clothes, probably some are a good two years old and didnt fit me before I got pregnant. I feel so good about myself, losing weight does that to you I guess. Today I managed to get myself up and out for a walk with Caleb. It felt so good, had it not been so hot and muggy out I may have walked longer than I did – that and my incision started to ache some. I guess after days of not walking up or down stairs (my moms house is all one level) that I have come lazy and out of shape. So I am going to try to walk everyday.

Tomorrow I have a drs appt to further check into my blood pressure problem, it’s kind of scary, but I know it will be better to find the cause and treat it then not to.

It’s so good to be home, sometimes. The best part is having Stacey back in my life, I mean we kept in touch, but it was getting very distant, or so I thought. Today we had a good long talk, just like we used to. It felt great ! I think just being able to talk to someone other than in baby talk is nice! I am going to hate it when she gets a job and isnt around as often. Funny thing is as I sit here writing this I know she will probably read it and I always get worried about writing about people that I know will read what I write. But I guess at least she will know how much I am enjoying getting back into the swing of our friendship again! Another funny thing about us is that we rarely actually do anything but sit around and talk, and well of course , eat! But then again I barely get out much anyway with the baby so I am sure that is the reason. I was impressed with myself for getting out for a walk, and tomorrow I’ll be glad once I get to my drs appt and back without a hitch.

Despite our lack of time and energy, Dean and I seem to be doing well. By the time he gets home from work he is exhausted and by the time he gets home so am I. We have an understanding though, since I dont work I take care of the baby, and he does his best to take over from the time he gets home til he goes to bed, then I am back on duty all night. We’ve learned to take advantage of Caleb’s sleeping to spend “quality” time together. I must admit I think this whole situation is causing us to get closer together. We actually communicate about things and more importantly are discussing our future and the possibilities it holds for us as a couple and individually.

Last night we went to a small group meeting of couples/singles from the church Dean attended for most of his child/teen years. It was nice to be plugged in so quickly since we know people there and 4 of the couples are expecting so Caleb wont be out of place. I cried though to think of how much I miss our group from Ohio. Last night as we prayed for one of the couples who is coping with infertility it hit me the hardest. I remember discussing that with our group then being able to break the news that we were pregnant finally.

When we talked about moving back here that was our big concern, our church, but it seems that that is becoming what of the least of our concerns as we find ourselves getting plugged in so quickly. The biggest concern now is money and housing. More than that is the stress of Dean’s daily commute, I know it is hard on him and it makes my day even longer and lonelier since he seems to be never home and when he is is so tired. So we are getting anxious about moving closer to his work yet we know we cant afford to yet and with still an option out there to move into his aunts house when she moves we are trying to be patient. And if we dont move in there, I will end up having to get a job, since any other option will cost more money. So it’s tough right now coping but it’s also calming to know that we are surrounded by a new church family, and our loving friends and family. So another day here in Baltimore…..and things seem to going just fine. We really looked forward on this move as being very difficult yet each step seems to be falling in place so easily, almost too easily, and we know that is nothing but God’s grace and providence for us. Last night at group they talked about facing your fears and doing instead of tthinking, and thats what we did. We knew the move and all the changes would be hard, and yes I was very afraid, but every since we stepped out in faith things have moved along so smoothly. Except for last Tuesday, but that affected the world not just us so I wont count that. We can only hope the future will remain as changing and yet stable as it has been thus far….

Living at my parents house is just about as difficult as it was when I was in high school. My step father still complains about every little thing, especially our use of the internet seeing as it ties up his business phone line, mind you which hardly ever rings with business calls, BUT, we dont get to get online often. This will hopefully change on Wed when we get our on phone line turned on. Whenever we dont pick up every little crumb when cooking dinner we hear about it too. There are good days and there are bad, today luckily was a good day. Yet I am sitting at the library using the internet to keep from causing more problems.

Going back in time, a week ago today I was sitting at home alone with the baby completely depressed. Dean was stuck in D.C. because the train that he took to work was shut donw due to the tragedy at the Pentagon and fear of further attacks. He spent that night at the hotel with his co-worker. His second day in work, our 5th day back in MD. and they declare it a state of emergency and shut down all modes of transportation in our area. For the next day or two Dean’s work gets evacuated for possible bomb threats. To say the least last week was quite stressful. But to be more detailed, this is how Tuesday went for me: I awake to the phone ringing, Dean calling at 8:20 to let me know he arrived in D.C. and was on his way to work. I go back to bed. Awaken again around 9:00, my mom calling to see if the baby and I were ok, yeah sure, we’re fine. Back to bed. Shortly thereafter the phone rings again, my brother. Frantically asking where my husband was. At work , of course. He said arent you watching tv, NO, you woke me up. I turn on the tv and listen to my brother tell me the news as well. I burst into tears and tell him I need to call Dean. No use, all cell phones arent working and of course it’s only his second day at work so I dont have a phone number to call and reach him at. Instead I call mom and tell her I know, she is mad that my brother called, she was going to come home from lunch early and tell me , knowing I wouldnt have just turned on the tv without being told to. We both cry and she tells me to keep trying to reach Dean. I eventually call my friend Stacey who promptly comes over to be with me while I wait for news about my husband. We wait for hours, sitting glued to the television set, with Caleb going between bouts of crying and then other times he just laid and talked back to the tv newscasters.. Looking back he was quite fussy that day, and I knew then that he was probally crying because I was so often. When he wasnt crying he stayed as focused on the tv as we were.

Dean eventually gets through, as worried about me as I had been about him, apparently the phone lines were so jammed he couldnt reach me. We debated whether or not he should try to get out of DC or just stay, since he’d have to work the next day, or so we hoped. All day, when we could reach other by phone we argued about it, I just wanted him to be safe and out of DC. Alas he never made it home until 2:00 on Wednesday, but I can at least say he did make it home.

At first I worried whether Dean would even have a job but looks like the Senate is determined to keep working, so so will Dean. Which is a good thing for us, seeing as we do need some money.

well I should be going, I have so much more to say about last weeks events and even todays, but I am getting weary. Emotionally drained. As if having a baby , moving, and getting resettled arent enough..looks like it’s just going to be one of those month(s)…….later…….

It’s only been a few days but my life is completely different now. To put in breifly, on Thursday morning I went to my last ob appt here, to find out I really shouldnt be put on birth control until I have a dr look into my very high blood pressure problem, which to me was another sign that I shouldnt take birth control. We have never used, I kind of believe it is messing with nature to take birth control and the fact we didnt get pregnant for 2 years makes me wonder if we will be fine without it, but…..So I return home from my appt to an empty house and a full uhaul out front. I was so NOT prepared for this that I broke down in tears and was a wreck. Dean calmed me and we finished packing up and cleaning out the house. Around 5 pm we left Ohio for Baltimore. About 5:30 my car died in stop and go traffic only 35 miles from home, but we were well on our way again by 7. Around 1 or so Dean and I found a hotel in Breezewood PA, said goodbye to his mom and brother and settled in for a good nights sleep.

On Friday we got up and headed out and made it to my moms around 2 or so, after having stopped at Dean’s granddads to visit, Calebs great granddad! My husband and step dad unloaded the essentials here and then took the rest to a storage place. We really didnt get our new room settled til yesterday though.

Last night we went out to dinner with Dean’s family, since they are heading back to Ohio today. We had crabs ! They were soo good, until I got home and remembered why I never eat that many crabs, I was up for a while with a belly ache.

Today we have plans for church, then my brother is coming up, he lives about 2 hours away, and we are going to a family gathering (my dad’s family). I am super excited, everyone is going to meet Caleb. Well thats all I have time for now…..

Well, Caleb was fine on our trip downtown, and despite my fear that my pay check would be in the mail and not waiting for me to pick up, it was there, and it was for a little more than I’d thought it would be. We went to our favorite chinese restaurant for lunch with Dean today too! Then I went shopping! With my new hair cut and current weight loss I have had the hardest time finding anything to wear in my closet. Half of my clothes are too big, the othe half are either just a tad too small still, in my hips of course, or just look dreadful with new red hair. Or so I think. So I attempted clothes shopping with Caleb – the end result was my charging way too much money for clothes that I am sure I dont need. I am sure once we find my box of winter clothes and the ones I packed up when I got depressed about not fitting into my clothes a few months ago, I am sure my wardrobe will be just adequate enough. I think the need to shop today was pure selfishness. I feel so bad for even thinking about spending money on myself now that I am sititng staring at a bag of clothes I will no doubt return tomorrow out of pure guilt – cause let me remind myself, I am now unemployed, the money that I ussually use to pay off my charge card is no longer, I guess I’d rather not remember that. I mean of course Dean still has money, but it wouldnt be right for me to go rack up my charge card just so I can feel better about how I look, especially if I have no income coming in. I was just going to return the clothes and not mention my guilty little shopping trip to Dean but then I felt so overcome with guilt as I drove home with a bag of stylish clothes filling the empty seat next to me that I immediately told Dean and begged for forgiveness, all while forgetting that heck the charge card is in my name not his, so it’s really my debt not his right? Oh well, I went from being thrilled to have some nice clothes that actually fit to being so guilt ridden that I almost drove right back to the store to return them all had not Caleb reminded me it was already past time for his next feeding. So instead I sat down and made myself even more depressed about the fact that not only do I not have the clothes I so desire, but I dont even have an income any more to begin to build a new wardrobe with. This whole postpartum stuff stinks! One day I feel absolutely thin and am so glad that I actually fit into shorts that didnt fit me before I was pregnant, then I feel like I am still so fat and I even feel like I am getting fatter instead of thinner. All the while I do weigh less now than I did before I was pregnant, and yes those shorts do fit, but the down side is now that I am not breasfeeding some of those old shirts fit too, and I was enjoying my blossoming figure…oh well, I mean I know looks arent everything but having had weight issues before I was pregnant I am determined to keep off the weight I have lost as a result of a very sickly pregnancy and am hoping to lose even more weight, but until then I have to figure out what to wear in the mean time. Maybe I’ll just stick with continue to wear my oversized maternity clothes for now, I mean it has only been three weeks…argh! I guess it’s just easier to worry about my weight than about the upcoming move…

It’s been a long weekend, literally! It was so nice having Dean home yesterday, we got a lot more done to get ready for the move. Just about everything is packed that can be until the last minute.

Friday night we went out to dinner with some friends, a good bye dinner! The food was great, the conversation light, and the atmosphere stress free! just what we needed! And to top it all off, Caleb was a perfect angel the whole time we were out. Saturday we took Caleb to the mall for the first time! He was great then too. Sunday Caleb went to the park and had his first picnic and once again, he was great. Okay, a little fussy, but heck if your belly was hungry you’d be grouchy too! And yesterday we went to a good bye/labor day cook out with the theater group I work with. There Caleb saw his first horse! Dean got him a little too close for my comfort, but it made for a cute picture! So Caleb had a very busy weekend as you can see! – and his mom and dad were wore out! Mom especially.

I think my being so active is coming back to haunt me. My incision has been hurting a lot more and so do my insides around the incision. I go to the dr on Thursday and hopefully everything is all right seeing as we will be leaving either Thursday night or Friday morning for our move. But luckily Dean’s mom has decided to accompany me on the drive back to Baltimore so I can at least get a break and it wont be so hard stopping to take care of Caleb.

Oh yeah, on top of all the changes in our life, I went and had another drastic makeover. I had more of my hair chopped off and then dyed it. It is now red! I am so not used to it, but I got lots of compliments on it yesterday while we were out. I figure, new place, new hairstyle! My mom is going to flip but maybe she’ll like it.

Well today Caleb and I have big plans….and for once I am doing good starting the day off but I am sure it has a lot to do with Dean taking care of Caleb for the last 2 feedings last night. I was so sore from my incision that I could hardly get out of bed. But so far this morning I had already had my shower and am dressed and Caleb is also dressed. After his next feeding we have to make a 40 minute drive downtown to go pick up my missing paycheck, if not, they will mail it to me today, which means it wont be here before we leave town. And sometime today or tomorrow, pending how our first excursion goes, I need to drive to the other side of town to drop off a computer to the theater so that it is done before we move. So I think I’ll go rest while I await for Caleb to wake up for his next feeding. Have a good Tuesday everyone!!

Not only is this cute but fun!!!