Wisdom from my walk

The day from hell, or week so far actually. Woke up feeling not to great this past Sunday. Slept most of the afternoon. Monday morning awoke to excrutiating back pain. Spent all day barely taking care of Caleb. Woke today to more back pain and stomach cramps. Had big plans for visiting w/ my brothers family, which ended up being them taking Caleb for the day so I could sit in the ER. My dr couldnt see me til almost 5 pm and I figured at which point she would send me for all sorts of tests tomorrow since most labs close early. So sat in the waiting room of the ER for 7 hours, yep thats right 7 hours before they take me back. Found out I was dehydrated, still not sure how that happened or why I didnt know. Other than that just pumped with pain killers that never worked and sent home being told I had low back pain for no known reason and to take pain killers and muscle relaxer. I’ve been doing that since yesterday and it’s not helped at all. Finally got home and my wonderful hubby is fixing me dinner at 2 am!! I havent eaten since 11:30 Tuesday morning and all I ate was a hot dog!! Tomorrow Caleb is going to stay at a friends until Dean can get off of work. My return to “work” day on my discharge isnt until Friday. I laughed and told the nurse “too bad my return to work is a toddler at home” and struggled to walk my way to the car. I can barely stand up straight and every step is agonizing. Hoping a day in bed tomorrow will help and not knowing what to do if it doesnt. Didnt do anything to strain it that I know of, and nothing that would cause three days of excrutiating unable to resolve w/ narcotics pain. Was very disappointed at the outcome, they didnt do any xrays or MRIs. He totally discounted my complaint of abdominal cramps and said it was probably just ovulation pain, but I’m a week past ovulation. They did a hcg test and it was negative so my fear of a tubal pregnancy was put to rest. So unless I get worse or have more symptoms theres nothing they can do. Had two drs try to reassure me that if my spinal fluid pressure was raising too much I”d have more symptoms than just back pain, but I still dont think they are too sure. It’s just odd that the pain is in the exact spot where the dr did my spinal tap and I was told then that they do it there because that is where the spinal fluid builds up. I dont want a spinal tap but if it menas freedom to walk w/out pain I’d do it. But neither the ER dr or my neurologists thought it was from that since my only symptom was back pain. So I went to the ER at 2 pm and got home around 1:30 am, almost 12 hours there. Spent most of waiting to be seen spent the rest of the time waiting for my body to fill up w/ 2 bags of IV fluid to fix my dehydration. So if anything at least now I’m not low on fluids!! I think its funny I was taking all of those pills to decrease the amt of fluid my body was holding and tonight they fill me full of fluids!! Didnt feel dehydrated and dont feel particularly rehydrated so who knows. Off to bed after some yummy bbq chicken that my wonderful hubby made me!!! Hope tomorrow is a much better day for me and that Caleb knows his mommy loves him even when she is too sick to care for him.

Had an exciting day or two. Saw my eye dr yesterday who said things looked good and that unless I have problems I dont have to go back. Saw my neurologist today and we discussed stopping my meds for baby making purposes. He said that the medicine has not been tested for pregnancy and he would understand my wanting to stop it to see if I can do without. So with his ok we are stopping my pills. Therefore leaving the only pill I take daily being my multivitamin. My pcm wouldnt write me a RX for prenatals so I figure a multivitamin is better than not taking anything. My neuro suggested I make an appt w/ an ob and discuss my condition before I get preggo. I had the talk w/ my pcm and didnt think I’d need to discuss it w/ an ob/gyn before I was preggo but he thought it would be a good idea since I need to find one here anyway. I loved my dr in Ohio for Caleb, but at least I have lots of friends w/ new babies that I can get referrals from. So we’ll see how the next month goes w/out my tumor medicine. I am scared but thrilled at the idea of being off all meds and doing well. My bp was perfect today, 120/80 and I havent taken that medicine for a month. Think that has to do a lot w/ getting my butt of the couch and getting out to play w/ Caleb and cutting my salt. So until winter comes I am sure as long as I stay active I’ll be good. In the winter maybe we’ll be able to afford a fitness club. Until then just Caleb crunches, walks, and other things the count for exercise like cutting the grass and stuff. So I am excited and looking forward to a brighter healthier future. Amazing how things can change w/ a little time and motivation.

Had my eye drs appt today, everything looks great! He said I only need to come back in if I am having problems. So tomorrow I go to the neurologists to see about going off of Lasix since I havent had many symptoms of pseudo tumor in a while. My dr today had a patient right before me who has been off the medicine for it since Oct and has had no symptoms so I am praying I have her luck!!

That was the good part of my day. The really bad part was having been gone longer than I thought since I ended up having to wait for the dr and I left Caleb w/ a newer friend so I wasnt sure how they’d do since she has a 3 month old. But when I left he was doing great. But I ended up not getting back til well past lunch time and hadnt left anything out for Caleb to eat. But the worst part was coming home to find another car in my driveway. I thought maybe it was my friends husband since he’s a student and might be off early. But I didnt think they had that kind of car. And as I walked up I started to realize just whose car it was. Theres a “friend” of the family whose come back into town this last week and has been trying to worm his way into staying with us. I have never liked him as he’s a recovering drug addict and from the looks of it isnt recovering as much as using. So he told my friend he was Dean’s brother and asked to use the phone. She reluctantly let him in and he made himself very comfortable for the next hour. By the time I got home and started talking to him she began to realize he was not who he said was and that he had said a lot of things that werent true. She swiftly bundled up her son and left. I dont think I could apologize enough for his lack of manners and respect for a woman home alone w/ two kids. It took me a lot of ignoring him and kept telling Caleb he needed a nap to get him to finally leave. He asked me if it was imposing on us to have waited for me to get home and I had told him yes it was and he just kept running his mouth about his own problems and didnt seem to care that he had rudely and falsely enterred our home and was not leaving. Theres a reason I hate him and always have, he’s an addict and a huge idiot. Sure I believe people can change, but despite his lofty words and self psycho analyzing he’s far from recovering. And its not like it’s a new thing, its been year after year of the same lies. I hate him more for what he’s doing to his kids. Everyone says they are handling it well, but I know better. He has a daughther who was the same age I was when I had to deal w/ a father like that. I fear that that little girl will carry around the same hurt that has so damaged my life. I cried for her. I cried for her future boyfriends, husbands, children for what they will have to deal with before she truly can love and trust another man. Sure stepfathers can come in and be heros but theres something about your fathers love that can either save you or maim you for life. I hate him for making me remember what its like to deal with all the lies of an addict and for making me remember that I need to forgive. I can forgive only so many time and forgetting is a whole different story. I’ve done this before. I have forgiven another such man and have tried to forget the hurt he’s caused

I know that this pic looks like it was ripped out of some ad somewhere, but I promise you it is indeed Caleb’s new improved room. Still waiting for his bed set to arrive that I won on ebay, waiting not so patiently I might add.

And this says it all:

Isn’t he just a gorgeus little guy?!

Wohoo!! Had a doctors appt today to check how my blood pressure is doing since I’ve been off the meds for it for about a month, and it was great, 126/80!! So no meds and no more checks for another 6 weeks. Unless of course I get preggo before then and she said if I do and go to any other dr appts and my pressure is up then to call and make an appt w/ her. Got lots I want to write about , but thats the most exciting news to me so far, and I’ve got to go get Dean from work. so maybe more later….so no one wants to comment bout how the page looks??!! thought for sure I’d get more feedback, but I guess two comments is better than none.

Cant believe how the day went. Or the weekend so far for that matter. I cant even believe its already Sunday night. Friday night well I already told ya, Dean went out and I stayed home cleaning. We stayed up late that night working on my webpage. i love how it has turned out. yesterday we had dinner at some friends’ and then headed out to Radical psalms since I had never been and was dying of curiousity. We took Caleb with us so he was up late last night. Didnt get in bed til around midnight last night. Then up and out early for church and then home for our party. Ended up w/ lots of people and kids. It was great, even though we were rained in we had plenty of room. The kids were mostly entertained w/ each other, toys, and game cube. Caleb ended up w/ a black eye but he never came to us crying so we’re not even sure how it happened. Being the good parents we are we left him to play w/ the kids as there were a few older ones, oh well, at least no one had any major injuries! After the church folks left my mom and step dad came over as did Stace and her new hubby. Had to fight w/ caleb until he gave in to exhaustion so now Dean and I are just chilling in front of our computers. Going to a friends tomorrow for a party. It’s socially draining on me, as I am not an extrovert at all. But today was very fulfilling to have time to spend w/ so many old and new friends throughout the weekend. But I am about worn out! So off to bed, sometime soon I hope if I can drag the hubby away from his puter.

I am sooo excited!! Yes, it’s 3 am and I am redoing my webpage, geez what is my problem. I need a beer or some caffeine or something. With the help of my lovely hubby I think we’ve got it working now. This is my biggest accomplishment as I had no way to search my archives before.