Wisdom from my walk

We’ve had the pleasure of spending a lot of quality family time together this week; as an immediate family and also with the more extended family members as well.   This evening we were invited to spend some time with friends, whom I consider to be the “other” brother and sister in Dean’s family.   I always felt like they replaced us when we moved to Baltimore but when we moved back they stuck around too, and we all are just one big happy family!   It ended up being a fun filled evening, one our adopted dad would have been proud to have known took place.   In fact, one I know both our adopted dads are glad took place, Diaz and our Heavenly Father.    A funny thing happened this week, the family that was already brought together because of Diaz was truly united by his passing.    I can only hope we can continue to draw on one another and build community and family as time goes on, and more importantly, continue the legacy that was started, one life at a time.

Well, I knew the day was coming soon, but not this way. We truly thought my dad would be the one we’d be mourning first. As he’s undergone so many heart problems and is so unhealthy that we never saw this coming, and I think that’s what makes this even harder. For those who haven’t heard, Dean’s dad, and the man who’s been more like a dad to me than anyone else in my life ever, passed away unexpectedly yesterday. We are grateful to know he’s now celebrating his new life in Heaven. We are trying to focus on the legacy he left behind. He was one amazing man and know he would want us to continue loving others the way he taught us to but also want to express that now more than ever if you knew Diaz you know more than anything he wanted you to be living an honest walk with the Lord. Diaz spent his life loving and caring for people that others wouldn’t necessarily take time to. He devoted time and energy making sure people got first, second and third chances to try again after making mistakes, either with drugs and alcohol or just with making dumb mistakes with the law. He and Donna spent years of their lives devoted to sharing their home with children that were not their own, through fostering children, many of whom had multiple mental disabilities that required extra love and care on their part. It was from Donna and Diaz’s example that I learned it was important to have an “open door” policy, always wanting to have my home ready and available, with a spare bed, clean house and ample food in the fridge in case anyone ever needed it. I learned a lot from their examples on how to love others and how to forgive others. More than anything, I found a father in Diaz I had never had before. One who loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. The thing was, Diaz was that way for a lot of people. I am grateful to know my husband is raising my sons to with that same spirit and can see that same love in him today. Diaz’s legacy will forever live on. One heart and life changed will change many more. Take time this week to think about where you are in this journey as this life is fleeting and honor him by doing what would make him most proud of you! (and God as well!) Donations in lieu of flowers can be made to the Healing Center (as me if you need more info) Viewing 5-7:30pm at the Vineyard Chapel Wednesday, January 26th. The funeral service will start at 7:30pm at the chapel as well.

This time last year, I was watching a beautiful baby girl in our home to supplement our income and trying to figure out how to continue to do so with the return of painful chronic illness symptoms and the need for a joint replacement surgery so I could hopefully walk pain free.   In February, I made a hard choice and once again said good bye to an income in favor of my health and underwent surgery.    We were able to begin hosting non-English speaking students that attended a program at a local college as a way to supplement our income shortly thereafter, which we hoped would help even things out.    After a few health scares, including several failed EKGs, stress tests, and being diagnosed with narcolepsy, by summer time I was feeling much better once we found the right combo of drugs and exercise.   The kids were growing fast, learning new skills and amazing us each day.   Zeke was now swimming like a pro and Bo was writing and near reading, both of them tackling skills we never thought they would be able to due to their specific challenges in the past.   Caleb was acting on stage, performing for anyone even when off stage.

The year was full of ups, and downs.   Our hearts got broken, repeatedly, and are still  working on being fixed.   Appearances aren’t all that they seem, a tough lesson to learn at any age.   Though an importance lesson, one we learned, and I hope I helped others learn this year, was to never give up on someone you love.   Before the big heartbreak of my year, I got the biggest heart mend of my life.   Someone I love dearly, someone I have always wanted more from, prayed earnestly for, wished would be a bigger part of my life, choose to be.   Despite the conditions in which it began, I am grateful to say, this year I am proud to say my dad is being a dad.   He’s calling to check on me for once.  Heck the fact he’s calling is a new thing for us.   He’s had a tough year, died a few times, still has a tough time ahead of him, but I know that he knows I’ll be there for him when he needs me, and so will Dean the boys, just like I would have even if he hadn’t become more interested in us.   (But it sure is nicer to do so knowing it’s more reciprocal.)

Its funny now as I write this, I am reminded how I had a double standard even still, in regards to the one who hurt me this year.   But then I’m reminded, I have not given up on him.  I have forgiven, and I still care for him, but I also know that I have the same desires for him that I had for my father.  The same wishes, that deep down he would change.  That he would have choosen differently.  That he would still make different choices in the future, on behalf of the women he involves himself with, so that he doesn’t break their hurts, knowingly or unknowingly.   I am the same person.    I still naively believe a person can change.   And sadly that’s why I got my heart so broken this year.  I wanted so much to believe in some one, believe that what I saw was not the truth, that what I felt in my heart and what I knew was true that made me so afraid was not true, because if it was then I needed to do something before someone got hurt.   In the end, I wasn’t so naive and I learned that people do change, and that person is me.

I still believe that people can change.  I know they can, I have my dad to thank for showing me that people can change.   I really have God to thank for that, because I know that while Dad’s got a long way to go, I know that God’s doing something big and he’s answering prayers every day, even when I don’t feel like He is or see Him doing anything.    I’d like to  think that maybe Faisal’s encounter with us will help him change somehow.  Maybe help him see he can’t lie his way through life, innocently or not.   But if not, it helped me learn a lot of lessons about life.   I am learning a lot every day still, a lot about myself.    Things I hope to impart to my kids and others so that they don’t get hurt one day too.   Lies hurt.   The truth also hurts.    Failing to see the truth also hurts sometimes even more.    I am afraid we live in a world where we are a little too comfortable and we need to stop being so naive, about ourselves and others.    I now know I couldn’t make someone else change, I am done trying to make others change.  I am the game changer now.   If I can’t change for the better, then I may as well give up.

I can’t judge others and expect them to change their ways if I’m not willing to use the same approach to my weaknesses.   I admit my flaws, frequently, ask my husband!   In this coming year, I’ve got a lot to look forward to.   By the end of the year I’ll have three boys in school full time, and I don’t know what they will mean for me.    This time last year I had no plans to be going to school myself, and yet I am.   I’ve survived a lot this year.   I’ve had a lot to fight for; my family and for myself, and some days my whole world and for you.   Sometimes I just fight to make it til morning.    I ended the year with another surgery, but am on the mend, slower than I’d like as always.    I don’t know what I’ll be doing in a month, 2 months or 6 months.  If I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that God’s timing trumps my own.  I have a few more weeks til I’m supposed to start back at classes at CCU, but today as I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying the quiet morning with my son and the quiet free hour or so this afternoon with nothing but chores to occupy my time, I don’t wonder if this time of simplicity could last longer.    Ironically, earlier as I cleaned a toilet, the words, “your beautiful in his eyes” and “he’s got bigger plans for you” blared out from the Christian radio station.    I know these things to be true, yet as I go through the motions of these daily menial tasks of just getting through the day to day it makes me wonder what’s next and when I’ll know when I’ve gotten there and when it’s time to step out in faith to the next thing and what that will be and look like.  Daring to ask those questions is insane, because when I do, my life takes crazy spirals and my life is finally starting to feel normal.    So I guess it’s  as good a time as any to ask God what’s next huh?   So get ready, cause I asked, so chances are…if you ask Him what’s next…..the sky is going to start falling….or maybe just some black birds!  😉

novermber2010 165, originally uploaded by Amy McKenzie.

from the McKenzie boys

There is something I miss about going to a smaller church, I laughed about it before Surgery with Dean, but inside it wasn’t really all that funny.   It kind of hurt.   Sitting here all alone thinking things through, I don’t wonder if it’s time to consider making a change in our lives.   I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, being unsatisfied with how things were, with certain qualities and the lack of change.  I know things are being done and I know I’ve done all I can do to help in that area, and all I can do is wait at this point.    We’ve been blessed these last few days, to have had a friend from church sit w/ the kids while we were at the hospital.  Also our best friends brought us a meal yesterday and are watching the kids today so Dean could go a meeting and so I could continue to rest.    If we were still in Baltimore, our fridge would be packed with meals to last a few weeks, we’d have people here every day helping out, and Dean probably would only have taken one or two days off of work at most just because the schedule would have been covered.  It’s unrealistic to play this what if game, I know.   But I know, being part of a smaller community of faith, or even just stronger smaller community of any kind lends itself to those kind of relationships.  We’ve been here for 5 years now, and we just don’t have that.   It’s a sad story, especially as we prepare to celebrate our 5th Christmas here.     I know I’m getting stronger already, I’m up and about today more than I was yesterday, which is a miracle considering how I spent the first 3 days in bed only getting up to find the bathroom and crawl back into bed in intense pain.   But I feel a little let down, again.   And this time it’s not by the big guy but it’s by the folks who represent him.    I know we are a needy bunch of folks and I’m a true pain sometimes, but I just don’t get it.    I don’t want sympathy, I don’t even want empathy, I guess I just wish I felt like someone noticed we were struggling, especially once we’ve told them something big like this was coming up.    It’s Christmas I know, I’ll stop being selfish, but once you’ve laid around for a few days wallowing in pain and misery it’s hard to not think about the important things in life and wonder where all the people you thought mattered are when it truly counts.    The kids have been great, Caleb keeps offering to put on a movie or get me a drink.   Bo does the same or asks if I need anything, like a snack.  Zeke’s been somewhat out of it, almost as if he’s not concerned.  I guess as long as he’s got someone meeting his needs he’s ok and he’d rather not worry about mommy being sick in bed.  He’s tried to distance himself from me as much as possible, that’s kind of hurt too.   He is usually my hugger and my cuddler, but he really has stayed away since I’ve gotten home.  It’s not like him, but I think it might be because we have said they can’t be too rough and playful around me since it might hurt me.

Dean’s been great at doing everything around the house, doing Scentsy stuff, getting Christmas stuff taken care of , the whole nine yards.  I guess 12 years of knowing what I expect around here have paid off! I was pleasantly surprised to see he’s kept up much better this time than in the past as the dishes are kept up with and the house isn’t a complete disaster yet!  It helps that we’ve started making the boys more responsible for their own things.    Well that’s more than I an bear as far as sitting with a laptop.  It’s been an interesting few days.  Total recoop time is 4-6 weeks, 2 days ago I thought I’d never get better, but then today I’m convinced by the end of the week I’ll be as good as new.   I know for me, getting up and getting moving always helps, but I simply couldn’t for those first few days.  It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt, I’m sure it had to do with how large the two incisions I have are and how close they are to one another and my old incisions.   Today’s panning out to be a better day pain wise, and I’m hoping each day continues to get better.

I just hope in the end my perspective on things gets brighter as well.  Having all this time to think about things is not usually a good thing!  :-)   Sometimes I just wish life wasn’t so hard, and that home was truly what we dream it was, cause that’s where I want to be for Christmas, and those are the folks I want surrounding me this holiday season.   Yet here I am struggling through yet another mess, feeling alone.     There’s always next year…..