Here I am again. Been trying to get this time for days, this time for me. It’s just me and puter and a quiet house. It’s only 10:30. It’s only 10:30 and Caleb just now went to sleep. My hubby settled in to bed over an hour ago w/ a stuffy achy head. Where to begin? How about tomorrow?
Tomorrow, the day I have been dreading for months. My first job interview in months. Once again we have no childcare. Seems I cant find a single sole to watch Caleb full time. A stay at home from our new church who I am imposing upon to take Caleb w/ her while she goes to a lunch w/ friends so I can find myself. I’ll drop off my little angel then come home to the empty house and get ready for it. The biggest fear of my life, an open door. An open ear and a firm handshake. Dont give in, dont do it, dont back down, dont talk about how I dont really want the job, how I really like my current job. Hell the hours suck, yeah who really wants to sign up for a 24-7 gig? A paycheck payable in kisses and hugs. Monotony. You thought your fucking sit in the corner and answer phones all day job sucked, well let me tell you, try what I do all day. Everyday day the same, 3 meals to make and clean up, loads of laundry to do, cleaning to do, diapers to change, faces to wipe, tears to wipe, books to read, songs to sing, and naptimes to enforce. Sure I make it sound like I dont like it, but if I tell the truth I’d have to tell my husband that I dont give a damn that we dont have money and that I am staying home with my son. God help the interviewer that asks me if I am ready to go back to work cause I know I will break down in tears and tell them no damnit but my husband just got laid off and what can I do about it.
My poor hubby. He’s making himself sick from all the stress its causing him, and here I go bearing my soul to the whole freaking world but to him do I tell a thing, no. Instead for the last week I’ve bitched about how he’s not helping with the baby. How I feel like I’m doing it all alone. Meanwhile he’s got the same weight of the world on his shoulders to deal with if not worse. I keep telling myself that we’re too young to deal with this stuff. You get laid off when you are in your 40s and afer putting in a zillion dead end years in a job. Not with a new mortgage and baby to care for. Corporate America. Why in the world do I want to go be a part of that when I have everything I need within these walls. After tomorrow I’ll even have my husband home w/ me.
Sunday morning we showed up late to church. Both of us feeling crappy and exhausted. We missed most of the worship service and before the pastor started teaching he led us all in a prayer, he started by saying, “we’re here God” It had taken every fiber of my being to get the baby together all by myself so Dean could rest his sick tired self and because of that we ended up getting out of the house late, but point is, we got there. The pastor went on and on praying for the exact needs we are having in our lives now. I was in tears before he had gotten much further than his first sentence. I was so disheveled by the time he was done that I was ready to just go grab my son and run. How much can you handle? Thats what God’s asking me. Are you ready? Just trust me. For once in your life trust ME. My answer, okay darnit I’ll go to the dumb interview and I’ll bawl my eyes out before and after and maybe then, just maybe then I’ll see what you have in store for me. Cause it’s been a long time since I trusted anyone, and what have I got to lose. I’ve just about lost it all now and I cant do it alone. So tonight as I sit here listening to the quiet around me w/ the tears streaming down my face I feel the peace. Tomorrow is Dean’s last day of work. Tomorrow is my first job interview. Tomorrow I leave Caleb w/ someone who’s almost a complete stranger to me. Tonight I can be strong, but by the end of the day tomorrow I will be so much stronger. And with each new day will come new strength. From tomorrow on things are going to change around here. It’s been a constant growing and changing for the last year and yet we’ve still so much to learn and overcome. How much can you handle? Through the last year I’ve been tested more than I’d want anyone to be, yet everytime we’ve gotten through. Month after month of saying I need to get a job to help pay the bills and not getting a job yet still having the bills paid somehow. Month after month of Dean hating his commute and some days his job, now we face the last commute and his last day at that fateful job that brought us here 9 months ago. Had we known then what we know now we probably wouldnt be in this house or even in this state. We’d still be in Ohio with my old job and Dean with his old job and we’d have someone to watch the baby. But we are here now. We’ve made it by every month. The baby is happy and healthy. Now if we can just figure out what happens after tomorrow……
