It wasnt a bad day, really.  It wasnt a bad week either.  but I have felt miserable each and every day.  last night I was too worn out to keep going so Dean took the kids to the last night of the kids program at church and I went to bed around 8 p.m. and stayed there til 9 or so this morning.   I’ve tried to keep up.  3 kids is hard.  potty training one kid is hard enough, add to that a new toddler who wants to explore the bathroom while you are trying to get one undressed and dressed without incident, and then add to that a few visiting cousins (who were most of the time helpful, other than when they were all arguing and I wanted to ring all of their necks, but they were helpful also! 🙂 ) and a few neighborhood kids here and there, not to mention, loads of laundry, housework related to 4-5 kids living in the house w/ a dog, and keeping up with outside commitments like  church and early intervention, a doctors appointment, many phone calls w/ the drs office…well IF all this was all I had going on this week then maybe just maybe you might see why at the end of the day I was frazzled.  BUT add to all of the above, intense pain, fatigue, nausea and a very achy belly, well you tell me how I’m supposed to handle.

we went out to a block party the church was holding for a community in the city this morning.  we drove two cars so Dean could leave and go help a friend move.  he lost his keys so I dropped him off at his friends and went home w/ the 4 kids.   the twins across the street came over the play and Zeke took a nap(something I hoped to do to)  Dean got home around 5ish.  we planned to go to dinner then meet Dean’s parents to take Caleb and Laura then head to pick up Dean’s car, he still hadnt found his keys but we had a spare set.  turns out he had locked the keys in the car so at least we found them I suppose.  so as I followed him home from his car tonight w/ two sleeping toddlers I cried and cried and cried.

I need help around the house, a sitter or at least  a mother helper.  we cant afford that.  I’ve thought about getting a part time job for money, but then we’d have to pay a sitter still and I’d have to physically work and keep up w/ the kids after/before and who knows how that would work since I barely have it in me to keep up w/ the kids but part of me thinks an office job would be less demanding than these 3 kids are on me.     either way we’re out of money, I need prescriptions and bills need payed.  I cant afford to work, I dont have the health to get a job as is.    I hate being at this stage, we’ve been here time and time again and it works out.  I’ll eventually feel better…..if they can ever find the right medicine combo that helps me best.

I love my kids but today I made the mistake of saying on the phone to Dean in front of them I cant take these kids anymore…meaning I needed a break but caleb heard it and was so upset w/ me for not wanting him, he said I didnt want him to live here anymore.    which is not what I said or thought.  what I thought was if I dont get a break and the kids dont calm down I’m going to lose it.   we ended up having a peaceful dinner and were all in better moods after but I know my illness and mood has been affecting caleb in many ways.  I know it’s probably why he has anger issues.  he doesnt understand why sometimes we can spend hours at the pool or zoo or kings island then other times all mommy wants to do is lay on the sofa.  the truth is I really shouldnt be doing any of those things w/ three kids on my own in my condition but I do because I feel guilty for the bad days when all I do is want to lay around.  I overdo it sometimes, give him just what he wants and the next day feel shitty and he gets mad we cant go do more fun things.  he’s also having a hard time adjusting to the fact our money has run out. we were doing well but doctors bills, medicines, diapers and gas prices hit hard lately.   I’m dreading the fact that soon our flexible savings acct money will be used up and I’ll still have months of needed prescriptions and doctors appointments.

****Caleb called us now, he’s with his grandparents, he called to sing me a song.   I love my boys, I do….. I just hate not being able to be the mom I need to be for them.     I need to go…he’s making me sad.