I watched my neice and nephew last week.  It went better than I thought, no one killed each other and I didnt feel completely horrible afterward.  the tough part as always is the day after. yesterday I made 3 lasagnas and two two layer cakes, while taking care of my own kids, playing outside, cleaning, starting laundry….today I feel like crap. I’m tired, my back hurts and I cant take anything else for the pain since I’m already taking pain meds.  I’ve kept the kids busy and am trying to keep up with laundry, but if I hadnt slept in I’d really be miserable. now I’m just in pain and a little tired, but still tired.
the question is can I start watching my neice and nephew all of the time. My bil and sil are both now working again and need someone to keep them.  They think that someone is me.  I’m one of the few who dont work. Their kids are 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. SO 4 kids under age 3.  3 in diapers.   Can I do it. Probably not. will I try, probably.
As I wrote in my last entry I have started helping watch kids on tuesday nights at church. by the time I get there I am tired and achy from taking care of my own kids all day.  this is what always happens to me. I finally start to feel good(a few weeks ago when starting the new meds)  then I think I am feeling well and can start doing stuff outside of my normal every day things. I do and then I am back to feeling bad again. I know this is what happens when you have fibromyalgia, if you overdo it on your “good” days you have more “bad” days.   Everytime in the past when I’ve tried to get a job, eiher a real outside the home job, church volunteer job or daycare in my home type gig I get worse. Somedays I struggle to get through the day to day of my own responsibilities, today was one of those days. but I have done it, things are getting done, the kids played outside and had fun…but the truth is I still feel badly.  and I still have to go to church tonight to watch kids.  I’ll come home from that and crash no doubt which means I have spent no time w/ Dean all day. I hate that.
just a entry to vent….I dont feel as bad as I have in the past, but it’s enough that I want to be in bed despite my desire to be out playing or going for walks w/ my kids.  I am not because I do have kids to care for but if I could I’d be resting. the little guys are napping now, at the same time for once in forever and caleb is snacking and drawing.
I dont want to be a slacker and I am motivated to do things but I dread these bad days that come from doing what I want to do.  Was it worth it to overdo it yesterday to take a meal to a family who just had a baby, a family who I hadnt even met until I took them the meal? sure it was.  they have a 2 year old named Zeke and now a baby girl. they live about 5 minutes from us and have a great park by their house.  we had a good chat and I look forward to seeing them more once their newborn craziness settles down.  so sure it was worth it to spend my day doing things for other people, but it uses the last of the energy I have left and now I have pain to go w/ it. like I said it’s not horrible, but it’s affecting how I spend my day. I wish there was a “day after” pill for folks w/ fibromyalgia.
for the class we’re going to on Wednesdays our homework for this week is to write a short paragraph about “our dream” I used to now what that was.  I had a good handle on it. now I’m not sure.   I seem to have lost my ability to dream.  I am at the point where I think it’s pointless, if I can barely do the normal every day stuff for me and my family and then want to do something outside that, well it seems hopeless.  it has never worked in the past, I mean I eventually give up on the things outside our home, if it doesnt need to happen it doesnt. that means no working, no volunteering, whatever.  no doing what I dream I can. so what’s the point in having a dream if you know it will never happen. I think I’ve given up on my dream; and that scares me….
