way too emotional…

Having difficult pregnancies is one challenge I’ve been able to deal with, it was hard and at times I didnt know how I was going to manage or why I put myself through it.   Having a baby born early and spending more days in the hospital than I need to is one challenge I dont know how to cope with.   The hospital we are in has been great, awesome even.  their boarding inn plan for moms w/ a baby in the nicu needing to stay longer is great.    but I dont think they thought about the emotional effect it has on a mom who has to watch other moms and dads care for their babies in their room or hearing those babies cry and being cared for by their parents in their room.   or watch other parents walking their babies down the hall in their little beds for all the world to see.   I know I am probably just dealing with a lot of postpartum emotions but adding to that not having a baby to hold and care for and show off to the world makes it so much harder.    I am a new mom, I just dont get to do all the things new moms do, including going home with their baby on the day they get discharged.

I hate hospitals.  I was ready to go home days ago but stayed to be near my son.   Now I just want to be home with the two boys I already have.   I feel helpless and alone.   Dean is doing his best to be here for me but someone has to take care of the other kids and take care of all the other things outside this hospital.    Luckily a friend has stayed at home all day with the kids today but I hate being alone at night here.   I have spent a lot of today alone here or in the nicu.   I’m tired and very emotional.   I want to take my baby home now and be a family, not a mom and a baby at the hospital w/ dad and two kids at home, two kids I miss dearly.   Caleb came to visit tonight breifly , he seems like a whole new kid, the big big brother.   he loves Ezekiel and loves to talk to him and touch him and ask questions about him.   he wants him to sleep in his bed when we get him home.    he’s never asked why he’s not home with us yet or even why we are here at the hospital for so long.    he is a smart kid and I know he must know something is wrong.    he’s excited that we’ll be home soon, 2 days is what we’ve told him, we are hopeful we can keep that promise.   i miss my Boaz and I hope I can see him tomorrow, I so want to go home tomorrow night to be near my other two boys but I think I might have to stay here to be with Ezekiel.  I keep thinking Zeke wont know or care if someone else cares for him through the night since he wont even remember it but that it would mean a lot to Boaz and probably caleb and dean too to have me home.   It’s a lot to deal with and I dont know how the other parents whos babies who have been here for months or longer deal with it.  I was in tears in the nicu tonight and wondered why I have not seen the other parent cry, maybe it’s becuase they’ve dealt with this, we’re newbies in there and they’ve probably dealt with most of this early emotion at the beginning but now have gone on with the other things going on.    I know our stay here will be breif compared to some of those babies and I am grateful, I know we are blessed, but it’s still hard and a big challenge.  After challenging pregnancies you’d think I would have been better prepared for this, but I think for me it’s always been easy, the after part, having the new baby and their being healthy.    I’ve never had such a bad pregnancy that it affected the health of my child, til now.   I feel guilty and wish things had been different but I know God must have a plan since he knew this would happen and I hope I can have more trust and faith in Him to get us through this in one peice.   sorry for venting here but like i said, I’m alone here so I’ve got to get it out somehow or I’ll be crying all night…