baby blues

I’ve decided I know why I’m not as excited for another baby yet.. with the first two, ok lets start w/ Caleb. I wanted, we wanted, a baby badly and waited a few years for it to happen. I always dreamed of being a mom. With Bo; Caleb was older and we again wanted another baby and waited for it to happen. This time I’ve still got a baby around the house so it’s not like I’m envious of others w/ babies as I was before the first two pregnancies. Someone asked us this week ;when we announced to a room of mostly strangers that we are expecting again, if congratulations were in order. Dean made some comment about it being just another baby or something. Sadly I guess things get lost on the 3rd for us at least, but I’m certain it’s more the closeness in age to bo that this baby will be. It’s one thing to look forward to an infant when you’ve got an independent almost schoolage kid around who’s not so high maintenance but when you’re still getting up at night w/a baby it’s a different perspective. i dont really understand why anyone, without a solid reason, would have two kids so close in age. I dont even think our doing so was necessarily the best idea.

So why in the world are we pregnant again so soon you might ask if we really werent ready, well as if anyone is ever really ready…but in my mind and through many conversations while bo was an infant about future children, I cant (or rather couldnt) afford to wait another 3 years or more before getting pregnant again or it wasnt going to happen. my health has been in flux so much since having Caleb and the more years go by the worst I imagine my health being; simply because that’ s how it’s gone, every year some new strange diagnosis or symptom. I was afraid if we didnt try sooner than later for another that I’d never get the chance. When talks of a possible diagnosis of MS loom over your head the world looks a lot different in terms of the future. Sure we could have waited and if God blessed us then we’d know it was his timing, but to me He chose to bless us now and to me that’s answer enough for me. we wont know for sure til after I deliver this baby if my symptoms are from MS, and even then we are just starting all the testing over again at that time so it may be a while yet til we know what is wrong with my body. I dont want to waste time, but in the same regard I worry that trying sooner than later to get pregnant wasnt a good idea. Maybe we should have waited til after knowing if this is MS or not, but then I was afraid I would never be allowed to have a third child. I decided for me it was more important to have this child then to find out what was going on because of the fear of what comes from whatever diagnosis i end up with.

Why am I even dwelling on this today? because I feel bad, physically bad. tired, the facial tingling, headaches and vision problems are getting worse again. I could call my neuro but he’ll order up tests, ones I cant put myself or the baby through right now. I am afraid I’ve done the wrong thing, bringing a child into this world knowing I may not be healthy enough one day to be the mom he/she will need. I felt that way with Bo, and on my worst days I feel that way about all of my babies, Caleb, Bo and Baby E. Not to mention I worry what burden it will be on Dean if my health doesnt improve. i’m fine really , in terms of how things could and have been, but daily I’m reminded by these nagging symptoms that something just isnt right. Some days it’s bad, but I’ve got two kids that need me and a hubby that does too, and that keeps me going, pushing myself to the max. today I’m tired and worn, and worried. I know God will continue to provide the strength I need but it’s still a struggle everyday and I know the next few months are going to be more challenging than ever. then I worry about after, when if I still feel this way we start to go back to tests and drs appts and waiting for answers. Answers that I wanted months ago, when as I feel bad today I cant explain it away because we dont know what’s going on. it’s hard to not know but I’m glad at least that I’ll be able to have baby # 3 before I’m not able to.

I guess I’ll add that I’m not only thinking these things because I feel bad but because I’m sick of the people’s shocked response to our being pregnant again so soon. heck we know people who’ve had babies a lot closer in age, and yes I dont think it’s a great idea, but when it takes you 3 years each to conceive your first two kids and you are worried about future health issues, there’s not really time to waste.