I totally relate to Cheryl! All through my childhood I was always on the outside. I think back on high school and cant even figure out why I was on the outside. I was shy but not always. I played sports and was very involved in different groups yet I still didnt belong. I always felt like everyone was judging me and that I was being talked about or picked on but now I when I think back I dont seem to know why. I wasnt fat or even bad looking, senior year I think I may have looked as good as some of the popular girls but I still never fit in. The only reason I can think of was because I was a Christian, for most of those years, some of that time I was a normal teenager and did everything teenagers do. Before we moved back to baltimore a few short weeks ago we were in this small group from our church. All of the other couples had money and all came from somewhat wealthy backgrounds. I often thought that if we were younger I would never be accepted here. This group was made up of all the people who were the popular ones at their high school and who came from the good families – all the couples but us. If we were still in high school I know we wouldnt fit in. And I always dealt with that fact and knew that we still didnt really fit in with this group, but at least we were accepted by them. But before we left I realized that I had finally started to finally belong to a group of people and it hurt to know I was going to leave that and have to come back to a place where I never had a group to fit in to begin with.
My friend Stacey and I became friends freshman year. I cant figure out to this day what brought us together or what we really had in common back then. We are as different as night and day, yet we are still best friends to this day. With her I have always belonged, but like I said who knows why but I wouldnt want to lose her friendship for anything. I did once and I had to beg for forgiveness and even gave up other friends to keep our friendship strong. Aside from Stacey and Dean, I have no other friends that I would say I truly am close to. I left behind Penny, she was in our small group in Ohio and I think that I have missed her a great deal since we moved, but we werent even that close. We were starting to bond and I miss having her around to just call if I need to or to go out with if I wanted. I met one of Dean’s friends wife on Friday night and she seemed so familiar to me, when she said my name or talked to me it was as if I had known her forever, I’ve never felt that way when meeting anyone before. The thought that Dean and his friend are still close after all those years away gives me hope that we will indeed find friends to click with soon but I always worry about what other people think and I have a problem trusting people, especially if they are new in my life.
Dean and I are desperately wanting to find other couples we can relate to to go out with or just hang out with. We started to attend a small group at the church we are going to now but I fear we are once again a lot different than those in the group. We are younger than most of them and unlike them we own no house and have no prospect of doing so in the future. We have 2 vehicles, both of which are undependable, one which isnt even working right now. The only two commonalities we have with them is our faith and we all have or will have shortly children. But it is nice to have someplace to go each week and I think in time I may feel like I belong there, but right now I am on the outside looking in and doubting myself. The couple we hung out with on Friday night is a guy Dean went to high school with and his wife. They have no kids though, but they didnt mind the baby being with us, in fact they enjoyed him being there. The best thing about them is the ability to just drop in a visit if we like. Since we’ve been back I have really wanted to get togher with my cousin and her husband, they now have two kids as well, but they arent the type you can just drop in , you have to schedule things with them. we’re the type of people who’d rather just plan at the last minute or even a day or two in advance but it seems everyone else around here you have to schedule time in with. So it’s been kind of tough getting out much except with Stacey.
We’ve got another dinner planned with my dad and his gal friend this week, it’s a night out, but not necessarily the kind of quality time we are seeking with another couple. It’s hard to think of discussing life and relationships with my dad and his date.
Things we just getting normal and we were getting settled in Ohio, but that we before we left and here were are back in the place where our dating journey began. Funny thing is once we started dating it began to be just us. My friends didnt want much to do with Dean, and in fact were greatly hurt that I’d dated someone from outside our church clique. Deans friends, well I had trouble hanging out with them, most of them were exs of Deans and I had trouble with that, and well most of my friends were my exs too so I guess that didnt help Dean much either. So after a while we move to Ohio together with his family and it took those 3 years to finally get to a place of being comfortable and now we’re back to square one. I am sure things will get settled here eventually I just dont know if I can emotionally stand waiting for that to happen. And it’s hard to do much getting out when I am taking care of the baby twenty four seven and Dean has 12 hour work days. So it’s usually only the weekends that I feel like getting out much and well they are a lot less weekends than weekdays so I spend more of my time alone with the baby than out in society or even with just Dean. I guess it’s just going to take a while…….
