My best friend asked me the other day why I stopped blogging. I told her right now I couldnt honestly say I remember and it’s been less than a month. At the time, I was sick and fed up with life. In such a state of depression that nothing meant anything to me, to the point I questioned why I was even alive. I was giving up. Giving in. Giving it to God, again. If it werent for my devoted and loving husband and wonderful blessing of a son I dont know if I would have even bothered going on.
A friend recently wrote about her own coming to terms with depression, and it made me cry. My recent diagnosis of psuedotumor cerebri made me realize that these feeling of sadness and depression are not my fault. I’ve got a medical condition that is for me, at times, very disabling and that in itself can lead to depression. Still despite that I still try to deny how I feel. I blame myself for those bad days, the days when I cant find the strength to get out of bed or if I finally do, to do much else but lay and let Caleb terrorize the house. After which that night I end of taking what little energy I have cleaning obsessively blaming myself that I didnt clean or do much of anything else all day, forgetting that I feel like crap and usually making me feel worse in the end which genereally turns to my lashing out at Dean for not helping when indeed the whole problem is me not him. It’s a viscious cycle. I want it to end. At that end of those nights I end up in bed exhausted and in tears w/ a usually upset and frustrated hubby next to me wishing he could help but neither of us knowing what could be done to fix any of it.
Since my last entry I’ve lost my job due to being ill so often and missing work. I’ve had surgery to hopefully fix some of my symptoms and prevent any more visual loss. I felt better for about a week or two, still not had a killer headache like I used to which has been nice. But all of my other symptoms are back and w/ a vengeance. I go back to the dr on Monday. I ran out of my med for my anxiety and depression, missed my appointment to get a refill for it. I dont want to go. That dr doesnt know I have pseudo tumor yet, I havent been to him for a few months, dont want to go back. I dont want to have to take meds for this or anything. I know its silly, especially since it seems to help me, sometimes. I hate taking so many pills a night, that alone makes me depressed anymore. I am going to be 24 on Friday, I take about 5 pills a day, at least, I dont count anymore. I’m scared to think how that number may increase as I get older.
The only pill I was supposed to stop taking was my birth control. And I have. This makes things hard on Dean and I as well. I want a baby, God knows why I would when I can barely care for me and Caleb now somedays, but in general I’ve felt a lot better than I did before this surgery. I am afraid that if we dont have a baby now that we wont be able to. Infertility and/or reproductive problems are common in women w/ psuedotumor. No suprise there as it took as years to get pregnant w/ Caleb and only after procedural intervention by the dr. Since being off the pill I have felt again symptoms of having an ovarian cyst again. The whole reason I started the pill to begin w/, to help prevent painful cysts. Let me once again say, I am only 23. I want to be able to enjoy life. Enjoy my toddler. Enjoy my hubby.
I stopped blogging because this is how it always seems to go. I feel bad, I write about it and I feel worse because its so sad and depressing. I want to have good things to say. I dont want people to feel sorry for me.
Things I love about life today:
waking up cuddling with my hubby
big hugs and kisses from my precious little boy
discovering how to use E-bay
watching my son love on my mother and seeing him cling to her for more hugs
the thought of a yummy spaghetti and meatball dinner
naptime
Another positive, 2 more days til my birthday. I think a want a dog for my birthday. We tried to get a puppy a few months ago but Caleb was too young and so was the puppy. I’d love a young dog but one old enough to be already housebroken and one that doesnt shed too much. Gee, I sure am picky. Other than that all i want for my birthday is a good nights sleep and time to sleep in, and well of course maybe a special celebration involving just me and my hubby!! (use your imagination) So far, all I know that we are doing is going to Red Lobster for dinner, my mom is babysitting. That alone is something I have been looking forward to for a week or two. Well not sure if this update is a sign that I will be back writing again soon, or just my needed to get some things out.
Amy, reading that was like reading my mind in certain ways. I’m fighting myself over my health problems as well. I want to start a family, but its literally impossible right now. Physically, financially, and emotionally.
I want it to be over, now, but unforunately there’s isn’t anything I can do.
Its’ so frustrating that some days I just want to scream. And Cry. And yell. And sleep.
Depression is also a symptom of my illness as well. I think its because you have to go through such a waiting process to get diagnosis.
There is no point to this, just to say, I understand what you’re saying, and honestly, I wish there was something I could say to help. But, there isn’t, other than hang in there. And you aren’t alone.
I’m only 22. I hope it gets better as I get older instead of worse.
{{{hugs}}} I wish there were easy answers for this. Just know that I am praying for you and want you to be healthy and happy so much. I could have written this post myself. I know exactly what you’re saying. It’s so hard sometimes. But if being on meds makes you feel better, please please please go to that appointment and start them again. For Caleb. For Dean. For you. Because you’re worth it. And I know what you mean about the pills. I was taking 7 pills the last few minutes with the infertility stuff and other health problems. But that’s why God gave us doctors and medicine.
{{Hugs}} Let me know if there’s ANYTHING I can do.
Oh, Amy, you’ve really had it rough lately. I’m so sorry about that! Thank goodness you have a sweet hubby and baby to love you and take good care of you. ((HUGS))
I hope you have a very happy birthday today!