Thank God for nap time.  Getting Zeke to nap has been a struggle since moving him into his toddler bed.  Bo gave up naps who knows how many months ago, maybe even a year ago?!  But today I managed to get Zeke asleep and Bo laid in bed w/ me and we both napped for a little over an hour!  I woke up refreshed enough to pick the boys up from school, play w/ them outside a bit and then head to curves to work out.    I’m still not feeling great but I did manage to convince myself to do some more exericse at home tonight too, hoping  it helps not hinders me.    But I had a bowl of ice cream ( no sugar added though! ) and the guilt of it is making me want to exercise more to even it out!  So Dean is headed to the grocery store and the boys are in bed so enough procrastinating and off to do at least a 2 mile work out.  I’d do the three mile but I just dont have it in me, not to mention I already did the curves work out today and I dont need to overdo it that much!  🙂

I made a doctors appt for next week. I’m about a month past due for a follow up w/ my rheumatologist.   I know I’m doing better since last time I saw her but I still have questions I dont want the answers to, esp. knowing it might mean more meds, and I just got off of so many I dont want to go back that route.   the exercise is helping but things are also getting worse in other ways, I know I need a new neurologist too, havent been since before we moved from MD so I’m really overdue, not to mention I should also have seen an endocronologist by now too.  So considering I’ve made it this long and feel as good as I do, comparatively to how healthy I was before our move, I’d say I’m doing well!   but I cant keep putting off seeing the doctors that I need to for much longer.

A funny thing happened last week at group.  We were talking about prayer requests I think and I mentioned my health and then realized I had never told them I have fibromyalgia and that none of the group knows my crazy health history.  I know partly because I’ve struggled a lot w/ this, with what to tell people.  I’m healthy now compared to how I was, and I didnt want to burden new people I meet w/ so much baggage so quickly.  but the down side of that is having to tell them eventually and them wondering why they didnt know and all the ramifications of that.    I struggled a lot and still do with what to say to folks if things come up, and mostly I’ve been trying to live like I am not sick.  and most days lately that works, at least publicly.  I’ve had tons of days lately where Dean will come home and I will “accidentily” fall asleep while he ends up having to make dinner and feed the kids.   and I mean it that way because I dont mean to fall asleep, it’s just that I get so wiped out and by the time he gets home it takes everything in me not to crash immediately. Tonight was great, I even was able to sit w/ him and the boys while they did bedtime stories, usually I’m so dead by that time I am about useless in the process of getting them in bed.    – this only happened because I got rest this afternoon.

I’m about to the point that in the last few weeks there have been more bad days then good and that’s not a good sign.   I was doing so well so this really pisses me off honestly.  I know I am way overdoing things, like exercising like crazy and dieting and trying to do more volunteer work but I need these things for my sanity and my health too.  I hate having to sacrifice so much for my health and I dont want to have to do it, I dont think it’s fair!  but I’m almost to the point that I wont be able to ignore how I feel any more, most days I push through it and somehow make it, but days like today make me worried that the more bad days I have that the cycle is just starting again.   and I am not ready to deal w/ it again.  I like feeling good, I like waking up pain free, I like exercising and losing weight.  I LOVE volunteering at church.   I dont know what I would willingly give up to make my life easier each day, I already gave up taking the boys to preschool and it’s been awesome, we spend time doing so much more every day for their learning than I did before, just because I have more motivation to since they arent going to preschool right now.   But today I had to force myself to do those things w/ them because all I wanted and felt like doing was sleeping on the futon while they entertained each other.

Anyway..didnt mean to have a down entry…just thinking it through for myself and I’m worried but I also know that the dr will be impressed w/ how much I’m exercising and losing weight.  I’m at least doing what she told me to…now if it just worked out that I could sleep better and get more energy like they say should happen when you exercise  then I’d probably be just fine!