Reversing Polarity

It’s crazy cold outside. If you told me when I was younger that I would one day enjoy going for a run in 20 degree weather by myself let alone with a dog I would think you were crazy. You see we never grew up with a pet in our home. The only things I remember about pets were negative in my childhood. My hermit crabs died, I vaguely remember something about their cage being cleaned and the cleaners being what did them in. I vaguely remember stories about having a dog when we were young who ate holes in the walls. For most of my childhood, pets were nonexistent. I wanted my kids to have a different memory of their own childhood.

We have tried guinea pigs and dogs. But I never loved a dog as much as I have til Ozzy. I think it has a lot to with how much I need stability and how much I need someone to force me to get moving every day. There’s no denying Ozzy gets me moving every day. There’s no excuses, not even 20 degree temperatures with this guy. He loves the outdoors, and it turns out so do I. I just didn’t know it.

I’m learning there’s a lot about myself I didn’t know or understand that in hindsight was there all along. For example, this week someone asked me when the last time I felt healthy was. I laughed, because I honestly can’t remember. I answered it was probably 20 years ago. They followed up with asking what happened 20 years ago that made the cycle of unhealthiness begin, I again laughed and joked I fell in love and got married. But the the truth is if I am honest, the unhealthiness was there long before that.

I remember as a child falling and having to use crutches. I remember having to quit soccer because my ankles and knees swelled for no good reason. I remember getting sick after family gatherings. I remember countless doctor’s visits where my mom told them I had an upset stomach and the dr saying they couldn’t find anything in the stool samples they made us do. In hindsight, I wish we knew then what we know now. If we knew about food allergies. If we knew about my muscle issues. If we knew about my electrolyte issues that causes me to have chronic low potassium. If we knew I am bi-polar.

You see two weeks ago I was finally diagnosed as crazy. Certifiable, lock me up for a few days in the hospital to keep me safe from myself crazy. It was the lowest time in my life. It will also be the most life changing time in my life.

No more denying that I can do this on my own. No more pretending I can struggle through another day without help. No more pressure to be perfect. Validation that I am crazy, but it’s a legitimate craziness stirring in my mind that’s been making my life a living hell and not some random unknown lurking danger that can’t be fixed. There is hope. 

Today I am beginning a new journey to wholeness. I’ve resigned from my job so I can spend more time focusing on my physical and mental health. My goal is to return to a place of holistic health where I am thriving and ready to return to the workplace, stronger, smarter, and better equipped to serve others. For now I am not able to be my best self and my family has suffered as a result. We have been struggling for some time under the weight of my illness and the impact has even reached outside the 4 walls of our home. We appreciate the love and support of those who have been walking beside us so closely these last few weeks and hope some of you will join us as we move forward.

I hope to share my journey more publicly as I process what living and thriving with mental illness looks like. I believe it’s an issue society doesn’t address well enough as many struggle in silence. Today I start my journey out of the darkness on the road that leads to reversing the polarity of my mind.



One Response to “Reversing Polarity”

  1. Micah Odor says:

    Proud of you.