Out of the Darkness

There are days when I simply can’t find the words, I often find myself deeply sighing as I try to go through the motions. I can remember exactly when the sighs first started and I pray every day for the peace to make them stop.

At the end of the suicide awareness walk last weekend, there was an illuminated path where family and friends had left notes in honor of those they loved who lost the battle or who are still fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. It was heartbreaking. At the Out of the Darkness event I walked hand in hand with my husband, knowing if I hadn’t sought help he may have been walking the journey alone. I looked on as two of my sons were nearby and was grateful that I was able to be there with them.

A few months ago I told Dean that I was worried. I told him the first time it happened. I was on a long walk along the Miami River. I thought that if I walked out into the water, I could disappear forever and no one would care. Around the same time as I was driving to work I considered driving my car into a tree. The only reason I didn’t that day was because I knew it would be my luck I would survive and end up living a life of more daily pain.

At first he didn’t understand how serious I was when I told him. He didn’t know these were more than passing thoughts. I truly felt hopeless, alone and was done fighting. Years of physical pain, heartbreak, trauma and depression had taken their toll. I was alone on the journey and knew I couldn’t keep doing it anymore. I asked him to help me. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t realize how bad it was. After 19 years together, he had watched me overcome so much and hide my pain so well he didn’t know how severely I was suffering.

I eventually confided in my closest friends and my Dr. I am healing, and we realized the suicidal thoughts were caused from a bad cocktail of meds my doctors had me on. I still battle depression, but after stopping those medicines I can again think clearly and see through the pain. It’s still there, but there is a light that wasn’t before.

When my cousin committed suicide we were all in shock. I no longer question how she could have made the choice she did. I have fought my demons and while I don’t know what hers were, I know she is one reason I choose to keep fighting.

I think about how I repeatedly asked others to help me and no one understood. If I wasn’t my own advocate I know I wouldn’t be typing this today. I don’t want sympathy. I have learned how alone I am on this journey and accepted that others can’t deal with my mess.

I want others to know that while it may be easier to suffer in silence, it’s not going to help you find healing. I want to encourage others to reach out for help, even if it takes countless attempts to find the right person to take you seriously. Don’t give up on yourself, even if other people do. What I want to do, as always, is to remind those who might be struggling that you are never truly alone. To not give up, to fight for yourself even if no one else will. You are worth it.

Breathe deep. Inhale. Exhale. Be grateful for the chance to try again.

Every day is a new opportunity to seek out the light, even if we wake up in the darkness.

One Response to “Out of the Darkness”

  1. Karen Riesett says:

    I walk this walk too. <3