Changed

If you are reading this, you have likely watched my journey over the last year and a half, if not longer. What started out as a journey to get healthier, I gained much more in terms of emotional and physical strength than I lost.  There were many obstacles to overcome and through it all I had many people encouraging me along.

As my body got smaller, I was still unhappy inside. Even though there were many external changes in my life, there were many internal struggles that I fought on a daily basis. From food addiction and eating disorders to depression, it was never a complete transformation. Although I was definitely healthier than I’d ever been, there were still wounds that needed healed.  Those closest to me knew I was struggling, many did not.

At the prompting of one of my dearest friends, I signed up to go on a Walk to Emmaus weekend retreat.  As the date got closer I really didn’t know what I signed up for, just that it was a group my friend has been to and frequently volunteers with.  I trust her and her spiritual guidance and friendship has been invaluable to me and my family. I trusted that if she thought I needed to go then I should. The event was this past Thursday-Sunday.

On Thursday I received an unexpected gift in the mail. A brand new pair of shoes that I have been wanting and needing. I was blown away by the generous anonymous gift. After being home briefly I headed out to my unplugged weekend retreat.

I can not explain a lot of what happened, but would highly encourage you to go on an Emmaus Walk.  There are few words that would adequately describe the experience. There were many life-changing moments. During one time of private prayer and reflection the image of my new shoes appeared in my mind. I immediately thought, “I am not worthy to fill these shoes”. Despite my major transformation, I still felt like I wasn’t good enough. Like I was unworthy of others love. I didn’t feel worthy of the call to ministry which has allowed me to serve in a community of faith very different than any I have ever been a part of. I feel unworthy of such an amazing husband and family.  During that time of prayer, I was reminded that I was deeply loved by my heavenly Father.

Shortly after, I experienced a time unlike any other in my life. Others have described the moment as what they would imagine when entering heaven, I concur.  During this experience several people I admire and care deeply for showered me with love. The simple gesture of them showing up for me in the midst of their busy weekend, knowing they all had many obligations, reminded me of their love. A man I admire and respect more than many other in my life, embraced me and it was truly a life-changing moment. This person has seen me at my worst and knows many of our family’s secrets. He is a spiritual guide and mentor to both myself and Dean. He is no doubt the smartest man I know. This man, after a long busy day serving countless others and meeting the needs of his own family, showed up simply as a way to show ME support and love. Love I had been unable to accept because I felt unlovable.  It was hard to imagine he and others cared that much for me.

In those moments and many others this weekend I realized the one thing that has kept me from truly transforming from the inside out during my journey, has been me.  My weight loss journey was a way to get healthy, but at its root was a search to become the woman my husband and others could love. I desperately wanted to be loved. And despite the countless others surrounding me on my journey I felt alone and miserable. In order to accept love from others and God I had to first love myself.  I had to recognize my worth.

After being lavished with love from strangers, family, friends, and God in practical and unimaginable non-tangible ways this weekend, I felt like a princess. Like a true daughter of a king. And the truth is, that is just who I am.  Since surrendering my pain and past I have felt a joy and peace that is indescribable.  I not only am able to love myself but feel a strong need to share it with others.  I pray that as my journey continues that others will see not just the external changes that have taken place in the last few years, but the internal ones that took place this weekend.

I would love for others to experience a walk to Emmaus for themselves. Please let me know if you want more information and I will tell you what I can, but I promise words will not do it justice.  You simply need to experience it for yourself.  These thoughts barely scratch the surface of everything I experienced, but had to try to at least put some thoughts to page.  Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my journey, in big and small ways. Forgive me for not always being as receptive as I should have been.  I imagine the woman I now see in the mirror is the woman you always saw, except she might be a lot more beautiful than ever, on the inside and outside!