who am I kidding?

So this afternoon I went to the podiatrist, to re-check the fracture and discuss what to do about the arthritis and bone spur that is causing me significant pain.   He asked how I was doing and I told him honestly that the fractured spot seems fine but that the big toe pain is nearly unbearable.    He starts by telling me what my first option is, which is a cortisone injection and he asked what I thought of that.  I said other than having heard it’s extremely painful I was game for anything, and told him how Dean and I joke about it being so painful I’d cut my toe off if it would help.   So we decide it’s worth a try, he says for some people it gives relief for only for a few weeks while others it helps for up to 6 months.  Ideally he said he’s trying to get me through the end of the year w/ this shot.  I am game for that, because if not the answer is surgery w/ a pretty long recovery time considering my job is primarily taking care of three kids all day.    So while chit chatting about things, like our vacation and such he mentions he likes my shirt and asked what the 3 on it meant.  Thinking back I am suprised myself w/ my own answer, but I explained it was for the summer of service that our church holds for teens and the three represents the theme from last year which is God first, others second and putting myself 3rd.  He was kind of surprised and said that that’s hard for some folks to even say, and I had just put it out there like it was nothing.  he said his wife agrees w/ that and asked where the church is, that he’d heard of it but didnt know where it was.   Of course it’s one of those, if I had thought quicker moments I might have been able to delve deeper, but I’ll see him again, unfortunately for me!   But I’ve wondered since then if i have any right to wear that shirt.   it was a free shirt, I got it just because I served that week, or volunteered as some non religious folk might say.    I wear it often because it’s comfy and it is a cool looking shirt.   But if I really thought about it before I put it on maybe I wouldnt wear it.  I’m not that selfless folks, heck I went to the doctor hoping to get a surgery scheduled so I’d be painfree sooner than later and knew that would mean others having to deal w/ my resposibilities and kids for quite a while, but I still thought that was ok.  I didnt ever once think of the greater healing, you know if I prayed and truly believed for healing, the instant recovery, no added costs answer.   why…because I’m selfish.   So since then my foot has been numb, thanks to the novacaine added to the cortisone shot and I’m supposed to ice it down then put bengay on it overnight and take advil and he thinks I will feel great tomorrow.   So I am already planning on going to curves tomorrow, I’ve gained over 20 lbs since my first foot injury about 2 months ago and again, I selfishly cant take it.  I hate how I look and feel.    it’s all about me.   Maybe next time before I wear that shirt I should think first and give myself a reality check.   I’m not fooling anyone am I??   Selfless my butt…..now what to do about that…..