last night we watched the special about Randy Pausch and his last lecture at Carnegie Mellon.   I was in tears and amazed as were most people by his view on life knowing he was going to probably die from cancer.   I’m sure I’m not the only one to have joked that I felt like I was dying when bed ridden w/ the flu or worse, only to recover and get on with life and forget all about it.   there are times when I’ve felt worse than that of course, the flu I mean…meningitis was pretty scary, but even then I had a feeling I’d get by!  On some of my really bad days I wonder if it all is the beginning of the end, that they wont truly figure out what’s wrong with me til they do an autopsy(thanks gregory house for that line! )  this past week and a half I was a bear to live w/ I am sure.  After my appointment last Friday I was ready to call it quits and do nothing but run and hide.  I couldnt stand the let down of being told to go deal w/ it and forget about it…”it” being how badly I feel!   I eventually slept off those initial depressed  feelings and got on w/ things, having 3 kids helps you do that, you really dont have a choice sometimes!  well I guess you do, but those are the same parents that we keep hearing about killing their kids….and then themselves.

So the point is…..I would love to be as brave as Randy Pausch.  To be able to say that knowing his days are truly numbered, he’s still able to live life and enjoy it.  hearing him talk yesterday from the tv was as if he was giving me a wake up call.   How dare I whine about my suffering, it’s not like I’m dying, or as far we know ! So today I got up and went into work and then went to enjoy lunch w/ my hubby(and bo and zeke) since he was going out w/ co-workers for dinner.    Caleb had early dismissal today and I promised he and his friend we’d go to the zoo today if the weather held up again, so I took the 4 boys, my own and my friend’s son to the zoo til almost 5.   It was a lot of fun and would have been perfect if I hadnt been so tired and groggy on the way home! but it was worth it, really it was.  The boys had a lot of fun and I am still a sucker for the zoo for some reason, I love seeing the animals up close like that.

I’m trying to stay positive.  I gave in last Sunday and am doing the trial of a new med that the doctor thought might help.  it seems to have helped w/ the migraines really well and is cheaper than my last migraine med, significantly cheaper, so that’s good.   but some of the other symptoms are still there and the fatigue really isnt going away either, but then again I’m staying busy so maybe it would if I would just chill out and take some down time… until then…tomorow and the next few days, week even are going to be busy.  My friend is directing the high school musical so we’re keeping her kids as much as our schedule allows so they will be here a lot the next few days.   What’s 2 more boys when you already have 3?!?

so I apologize for being so down right bitchy last week and bailing out of my commitments because of my illnesses, and am hoping to get back on top of my mood now that the sun is shining and the temps are warm…as long as the weather man was wrong about the possible flurries this weekend! (which is ridiculous , it was nearly 70 today!)

well off to watch some tv, I sent Dean to the store for some essentials I didnt get to get today because I was too busy and I’d rather not take 3 little ones to the store tomorrow.   I used to do all of the shopping when I could during the day so we wouldnt have to do it at night, but lately I’m too busy and I’ve been sending Dean out more and more after the kids are in bed, and it sure is nice to not have to go myself!!   🙂   gotta love my wonderful hubby…

well enough randomness for today, might have something interesting to post tomorrow.  but then that would mean my life was actually interesting!