I feel horrible.  absolutely horrible.  We had two showings of our home today, one at 9 a.m. , one at 4:30 p.m.   I made sure last night the house was clean but had to vacuum this morning before we left.  So I got Caleb to school, the house finished up, the kids fed and then went to Target to waste time and get some things we needed while folks looked at our house.   I had to keep stopping walking around the store because I was in too much pain to push the cart.  by the time I got home I was near tears, and called the drs office(which resulted in my crying to the receptionist) to find out what to do for the pain.  I am already on some major pain killers but it wasnt helping, in fact it was giving me major headaches.  I havent had headaches in months, and since taking this pain killer my head has been killing me!  They got me an afternoon appointment and Dean struggled to find someone to come help me while I found someone to pick Caleb up from school so I could go to my 2:00 appointment.   I have 5 more prescriptions and no answers.   I asked her what she thinks is going on, her response was that she doesnt want to worry me that she has some ideas but that some are very rare and wants to see what the newest bloodwork I got done today says first.  When I asked if she thought this was a temporary health issue or a chronic one she said she doesnt want to answer she wants to see what we find out from the labwork.  So I left with nothing really, not even a false hope of getting relief.  She wrote out one prescription, said if this works then…and wrote out the next one, then another and if this doesnt work, and just to make sure your stomach doesnt start bleeding from all the meds lets start you on this medicine to protect you from all of this other meds causing internal damage.   I honestly think I am dying.  I mean I worry this is it, that this could be an episode of House, when he says we’ll find out what killed her during her autopsy. give her meds to treat her symptoms and keep her quiet while she slowly dies.   a little extreme you think, well if you were me and felt like I do you might feel the same way I do.    on top of all the other crap I’ve got new concerning symptoms, and a nasty cold on top of that.   I googled the names of the tests she ran today, some for lupus, other for leukemia, some for more thyroid stuff.   All I know is that this isnt normal, and I could see the concern on the drs face as she sat long and hard and thought about what to do next.   I go back to see her next week and am praying she calls me before then, but then again do I really want to know what’s making me this miserable?   I can honestly say the last time I felt this bad was when I had meningitis, pains in different places and more so even….I just love my life really….
thank God my friend’s mom was able to come over this afternoon to help out with the kids while I went to the dr and while the house was being shown, then my mom came over to help w/ dinner and getting the kids in bed.   I dont know how I would have done it without them.  honestly I was going to admit myself to the hospital if the dr wouldnt have seen me today, that’s how bad it is, believe me I hate hospitals.  this was the second time in a week I almost went in hopes of getting relief from whatever this is thats slowly destorying my body.

dean’s a mess worrying about not being here to help and take care of things, I am a mess because I hate not being able to keep up with my responsibilities.   If we had the money I’d hire a nanny until I get better, and a maid!  and for me to give over either of those areas of my life to someone else to take care of is a big deal, and it would only happen if something was really wrong with me, and this last week I think whatever is wrong with me has gotten majorly worse, quickly too, which cant be a good thing.

enough whining, just wanted to update so you all know why I might not be around here updating much, hoping to nap when I get time these next few days and somehow plan my sons birthday party.   dont worry, if I were dying I probably wouldnt be coherent enough to blog right??!?!  that’s the horrible part, I am so mentally here, earlier when I took the pain medicine it was like my body was just done, that I could barely move, that I was thinking and things just werent making sense.  i could think clearly but I felt numb to everything, just out of it.   later though, I was the opposite, my head hurt so bad I coudlnt think straight yet my body felt better.  it’s annoying. it’s either deal w/ the whole body severe pain and be ok mentally or be out of it with a massive headache but no full body pain.   neither is good honestly, so off to bed with me…I joked w/ Dean and the dr that I found the cure, that I felt great as long as I laid motionless in bed w/ my eyes closed.   I asked the dr if we could arrange for that and she just laughed, but still had that damn concerned look on her face, guess she just didnt appreciate the joke….