I feel like such a bad mom to Baby E. With our first pregnancy I was so excited, it was something we waited a long time for and seemed to come as a miracle at the time. With Bo we thought we wouldnt be able to have more kids due to my health issues and then we couldnt get pregnant again then turns out we could! we were excited and despite being ill throughout the pregnancy, even getting a spinal tap during, i loved bo so much and talked much about the pregnancy. It seems like I’m either too busy with house stuff and the kids or too tired from all of that that I dont have the energy to devote into this pregnancy. I am glad we are pregnant, but I just cant wrap my head around it. I dont know if this is normal for 3rd or more pregnancies but I hate it. I hate not being more excited about this baby growing inside. I hate that the first ultrasounds of this child werent met w/ the same tears I had when I saw Boaz and Caleb via u/s for the first time. I dont know how to get past how I”m feeling toward this child and the last thing I want is for him/her to feel unloved or unwanted. i think it’s more just general fatigue and life stressors but I dont like feeling this way. I love this child I do, I just cant get all excited and emotional, I’ve done this before and for me it’s more misery than joy, at least at this point.
this pregnancy has been much less eventful, at this point w/ Caleb’s pregnancy things were very interesting as was this time with my pregnancy with Bo. Today my pregnancy ticker shows 15 weeks, I’m sure I’ve felt little baby movements but nothing major yet. thank goodness so far nothing major has happened during this pregnancy, it’s almost been like I’m not pregnant at all, minus the throwing up that is! I am hoping after my next appt and soon our “big” u/s to find out if this is a girl or a boy things will seem more real. it’s been hard for me to get attached when I’ve yet to hear the heartbeat like I did w/ the other two and at 15 weeks that concerns me. Sure they said they saw it on u/s but it’s just not the same. it’s always like I dont want to get too into it incase something goes wrong. I know we’re in the second trimester but something just feels so different about this pregnancy.
I think another part of the problem is I’m focusing so much on what my baby’s that are already here are doing. My biggest boy, Caleb is going to school full time and is learing to write and recognize letters in books. Bo is walking even running some now and crawling onto couches and chairs. theres just so much life going on around me it’s hard to remember the one that’s hiding in me growing every day taking in the voices of his big brother, mommy and daddy. Bo will be 11 months old this weekend, Caleb is 4+ and dean and my 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. theres already so much to enjoy that I’m at a loss for enjoying this baby inside. I know once its here things will be different but I wish I could be as devoted to it as I was it’s brothers while they were still inside me. Maybe once my belly grows some it will be easier to focus on this little bean but for now I’m eating up and loving these big boys I have all around me. please forgive me baby E, your day will come!!
