I’ve had a hard time eating, or wanting to eat, and most of all of keeping food down that I make myself eat so this kid will keep growing inside of me. Every other Thursday we have life group and we all bring part of the meal for dinner and eat together. I love that part of Thursdays, or I did. Last night nothing was appealing to me, and I did try to eat some things but immediately felt ill. I was hungry too, it was just that everything makes me feel like throwing up. I sat away from the group and when asked why I told them I was staying away from the food! Several made comments that it will get better, yeah sure if you my pregnancies were normal. Then of course the comments that ” I never got sick when pregnant.”
A friend said that she knew it was because God would never give her something she couldnt handle and that’s why she had an easy pregnancy. Dean joked along the lines that Amy can handle it and that’s why God let her deal with it. I said yeah unfortunately I can handle too much and that’s why I suffer. but it’s really not true, not really. I dont like being sick. I dont think it’s fair that because I sit by and take it that that means I’m stronger because of it. In fact I feel very weak because of the things I’ve been dealt with in my life. My mom commented a few days ago that she gives me a lot of credit for keep going and feeling the way I do. I feel weak and helpless. yes I get through everyday and somedays suprise myself with just how much I do despite constant trips to the bathroom for various reasons and feeling constantly fatigued or ill. I get by because I have no choice. i have two kids to take care of, a hubby to care for and a house that needs tending. I dont do this becuase I am strong enough to, I do it because it’s life. this is what I was dealt with and I’m doing the best I can to deal with it day by day. this has meant not doing much socially or even keeping up with my friends because honestly I’m barely getting by.
People see more in me than I do in myself. they think highly of me because despite throwing up and hating food I did what I had to to prepare a dessert for yesterdays meal. because daily I do things that they say they never would if they felt like I do. but if you were in my shoes you’d learn quickly to get over yourself to be able to do what needs done. what I see is the truth, I’m miserable and sick and almost wish I wasnt pregnant. but if I werent pregnant it would be something else I’m sure making me ill.
My 7th year wedding anniversary is a month away, of these 7 years I’ve been sick in some way for at least 4 maybe even closer to 5 of those years; at least. I cant beleive that my hubby (of almost 7 years) said that I can handle it and thats why God lets me, he should know better than anyone how weak I am and how I struggle everyday. I’m not strong folks, dont think that I am. Inside I’m miserable and wishing I could be like you who said you had great pregnancies. will I be stronger in the end, yes I can say in some ways after years of dealing with different health issues I am better able to deal with things that come along, but I’m not strong because I do what needs done despite what life throws at me. I’m a mere woman who’s trying to get by and take care of herself and her family, really if it were you you’d learn to do the same. In fact I wish it was someone other than me…I’m so sick of being sick. I’ve got many months to go and this is just the beginning. so much to look forward to!!!
