I need to apologize for something I’ve been doing to my readers and even to those blogs I read. It’s probably not a big deal but last night I”m doing it more and more frequently. over the last few weeks I’ve found myself taking time to write entries and instead of posting them I just save them as drafts here so there’s a few posts sitting that you havent read and I doubt I’ll go back and publish any of them. I’ve also found myself reading others blogs and writing out comments on people’s post and then decide not to and instead of posting the comment I just shut the window and the comment goes away never to be read by anyone. Why I am doing this you ask? At first it was simply because I changed my mind. The second time was because I felt my writing was unimportant. but I think I’ve figured out the real reason.
I am losing my ability to communicate clearly. It may be the fact that I spend all day w/ kids and therefore dont get much time to really communicate well all day. The truth though is I fear it’s got something to do w/ whatever is making me sick now. Not only is my writing suffering but several times lately I’ve stumbled across my words out loud as well. I’d best describe it as I’m started stutterering. That’s the best way I can describe it, but I’ll start to talk and I’ll get tongue tied but most imporantly I’ll forget what point I was even trying to make because my words get so hard to get out. I cant do much to hide the outward audible occassions of this but I’ve started sheltering myself online so that I dont write incoherently someplace where it might matter, where someone would realize I’m losing it. So here I am admiting to you what is going on. So when I act like you should know something because I posted about it here well just call me on it because chances are I did write about it here, but it never got posted on the webpage itself. This is very saddening to me….I feel like I just cant get out what I want to say and it’s not so bad because the webpage isnt necessary just a nice way to keep my friends in the know about my life. but it’s the everyday communication problem that’s starting to really bother me. I’m hoping to hear from my dr today or tomorrow about my labwork and I hate to have to tell him I think I’m having more problems but I’m also afriad if I dont tell him that it would hurt his figuring out what is wrong with me. So there it is…I just felt bad for what I’ve been doing and forgive me for not commenting or posting as much as I’d like.
