How is it possible that even when I am physically worn out, stressed out watching three kids, and preparing to host an event that I can even be sitting here pondering how much I want to be pregnant??? I suppose hormones can do that to you, but that shouldnt be playing a factor today in my mood, but I guess hormones play on us daily no matter what part of the cycle we’re in huh? Who knows. More so to do with reading other peoples blogs and thinking about family members that will soon be holding their newborns. Thinking that our day will not come.
Our new life group is reading the Purpose Driven Life. Tonight is our first meeting at our house, we are new leaders. I hate to say I am not so thrilled with the book, mostly my own fault. My own fault I cant get past my own faults and accept that I can have a purpose aside from taking care of Caleb, Dean and home, especially when I physically feel like I cant even take care of myself. Sure theres a lot I need to change about my attitude toward my illness and how it affects my life, but considering the work load I’m doing everyday I think I”m doing pretty good even if my attitude is suffering, the work I need to get done is getting done and to me for now that is what matters. doing what needs done when it needs done even when I feel bad. I get by day by day and lately the days have been bad. My marriage is suffering becuase my attitude through it all is not the greatest, but if I”m expected to maintain the same amount of workload even when I feel bad than I’m sorry I cant keep up the same cheery attitude. I understand that maybe some other people could, but I cant and I wont pretend to. So through it all somehow I still want to consider bringing another child into this craziness, now that I think about it, it must be hormones causing me to think it becuase it’s truly ridiculous to think that that would be part of my purpose in life right now. I just wish I could see something more purposeful than just getting by every day……
