I really hope everything I

I really hope everything I have read about Kiddo knowing how I feel and that it will affect his life for years to come isn’t true. Before I was pregnant Dean and I discussed this, and I side with those who say that kids whose moms didnt want them but had them anyway distinctly knew and that is why they end up with so many problems later in life. I fear that my thoughts, as trivial as they are, will forever torment Kiddo. Yet it’s not that I don’t want him, I just can’t cope right now with so much at one time and I often find myself blaming him. When, as Dean constantly reminds me, it was me who all along wanted a baby(although now it seems as though he is much more excited about the concept than I). And yes when you try for two years you tend to forget what you were trying for, so now that I am hormonally unstable and a physical wreck I can’t help but wonder: what was I thinking!? I am only 22 ! I have tons of time left, but yet I really have 3 months (give or take) left. And really I don’t even have that because I find more and more things in my life that I simply can’t do as well or at all now and I still have 3 months of this left. I am having to limit my job at work just because I can’t bend down as far as my 125 lb non pregnant co-worker so I cant find or return patient’s chart to their rightful place if their last name happens to be on the bottom shelf of our filing system. And that is just a minor thing. And it is not as though I really have awful thoughts about the baby, more like frustrations. Like if I wasnt pregnant I wouldnt be so fat or wouldnt be so tired, but the thing is, guess what, I am pregnant. I guess it is just hard for since I always have issue with my weight and now I have no control over it even if I do eat so much healthier now than I have ever in my life. If it wasnt for the baby I would probably be losing weight! But I am having a baby, and I am thrilled. But I am not thrilled that I can’t do as much and that I cant take care of my house and husband as well. And I hate the fact that there is so much to do and so little time. And that there is so much I want to do for the baby that I can’t. I want to be a good mom but I guess I just don’t know what that means right now. I feel as though I should have the baby’s room painted in adorable colors and patterns, the house spotlessly clean, all the laundry done, done things to make Dean happy, and worked a full 40 hour week. But alas, life is not this kind. I can barely work 40 hours and come home with enough energy to force myself to eat so Kiddo will get big and strong. Yet I still end up somehow with it all done. But I cant help but wonder what Kiddo is thinking or feeling, as I sit here with a growling tummy denying him food because I just ate 2 hours ago so why should I be hungry again. But I am. And am I an awful person for not responding to his demands for food when I am truly too tired to make something or even to go downstairs to find something to munch on. I would say so. Last week I told Dean that I am worried I am not eating enough and I know there are times when I should eat but I just cant bring myself to force more food down my mouth simply because I dont want to. Then all of the sudden I think I am eating too much because in the last week I have gotten a huge baby belly. So Dean is confused and cant figure out why one day I worry about eating too little and now I worry about eating too much yet I still sit and ponder these things as the growling in my tummy gets louder. So I am sure if he realized that not only do these things confuse me, but that I have no clue why or how one minute I can feel one way and another minute feel so utterly opposite. Must be the hormones. Point is, I worry …..ah I suppose that is my # 1 problem……that all of my mixed up feelings about and towards Kiddo will one day come back to haunt me and as mothers day approaches I cant help but wonder what he would say about me as being a good or bad mother up until this point in his life. But I guess if I would just stop worrying about everything maybe everything would be just fine…..ah that would be nice……but if you know me you know thats just about impossible. …….